Did this guy dump me because I didn’t go over to his place at 1am to give him oral even after I told him he should let me know when he is free?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Onxy said:

No, I don't have trouble reading social cues.

When it comes to guys and dating however, I don't understand why some guys decide to ignore texts, ghost out of nowhere, making false promises instead of flat out saying they don't want to continue it anymore. 

Why “guys”? Women do that as well.

And when that happens, I also point out to the men who complain about it that those women actually don’t owe them anything.

You have to understand something. If people want to end a connection by ignoring text or ghosting or changing their mind about something they said they’d wanted to do, all you can do is just let them.

Even when a partner of several years leaves you like that, without any apparent reason and explanation, there’s still nothing you can do, but yes, in that case that kind of thing would hurt a lot.

But in your case, it was just a fleeting hookup. No actual promises were made, no commitment was declared. The expectations were incredibly low to begin with. And yet you sound as though he promised to marry you and then dumped you at the altar.

 

[Onxy]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why “guys”? Women do that as well.

And when that happens, I also point out to the men who complain about it that those women actually don’t owe them anything.

You have to understand something. If people want to end a connection by ignoring text or ghosting or changing their mind about something they said they’d wanted to do, all you can do is just let them.

Even when a partner of several years leaves you like that, without any apparent reason and explanation, there’s still nothing you can do, but yes, in that case that kind of thing would hurt a lot.

But in your case, it was just a fleeting hookup. No actual promises were made, no commitment was declared. The expectations were incredibly low to begin with. And yet you sound as though he promised to marry you and then dumped you at the altar.

 

So, you are saying he "changed" his mind in 24 hours? Because when we had our convo text-he was saying stuff like how he still wanted me, we were going to do other sexual things, I even told him to text me when he is free, he said he will. I mean, why even say it in the first place? 

Why can't they flat out say they don't want to do it anymore? That's what I'm saying. 

Are you saying the next time I go on a date,  and the guy tells me he will text me, we should do this again sometime, or make plans, then I hear NOTHING, that's acceptable? I shouldn't get my hopes up and get excited? I should show a poker face-guys will see my body language and I will come off as not interested. I should hope for nothing and still keep my options open?

Edited Saturday at 12:41 AM by Onxy

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Onxy said:

When it comes to guys and dating however, I don't understand why some guys decide to ignore texts, ghost out of nowhere, making false promises instead of flat out saying they don't want to continue it anymore. 

People don't always flat-out tell someone when they are not interested.  That's just not reality.  They often ghost, or do a "slow fade", or not follow through on plans, etc.  It happens ALL the time.  People often simply find that easier than explicitly telling someone "I'm not interested in continuing".  It's weird that this is so shocking to you.

You need to learn to just dust yourself off and move on when this happens, not dwell on it.  And most certainly not keep texting the person.  That very much does make you come off as desperate and pathetic and like you can't take the hint.  

10 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Are you saying the next time I go on a date,  and the guy tells me he will text me, we should do this again sometime, or make plans, then I hear NOTHING, that's acceptable? 

It doesn't matter whether it's "acceptable" to you.  You need to learn that you can't control other people.  When someone makes it clear that they are not interested in you, whether it is through explicit words, or simply through their behavior, the normal thing to do is leave them alone and move on.

[Onxy]

26 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

People don't always flat-out tell someone when they are not interested.  That's just not reality.  They often ghost, or do a "slow fade", or not follow through on plans, etc.  It happens ALL the time.  People often simply find that easier than explicitly telling someone "I'm not interested in continuing".  It's weird that this is so shocking to you.

You need to learn to just dust yourself off and move on when this happens, not dwell on it.  And most certainly not keep texting the person.  That very much does make you come off as desperate and pathetic and like you can't take the hint.  

It doesn't matter whether it's "acceptable" to you.  You need to learn that you can't control other people.  When someone makes it clear that they are not interested in you, whether it is through explicit words, or simply through their behavior, the normal thing to do is leave them alone and move on.

Okay, soo next time, I go on a date and if the guy starts telling me "we should do this again" or "I'll call you" anything along those lines, then I should not expect anything out of it? And just be indifferent about it?

Also, not put all my eggs in one basket? I should multi date ?

Edited Saturday at 01:21 AM by Onxy

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, Onxy said:

So, you are saying he "changed" his mind in 24 hours?

Probably. He might have hooked up with someone else, for example. Or you said something that turned him off. What does it matter? Why are you taking it so seriously?

 

30 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Why can't they flat out say they don't want to do it anymore? That's what I'm saying. 

You don’t seem to have a lot of experience in hookups in dating, otherwise you’d know the answer, People are different. Some find it hard to refuse someone directly. They prefer to ghost or slowly fade out or show their lack of interest in other ways.

 

32 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Are you saying the next time I go on a date,  and the guy tells me he will text me, we should do this again sometime, or make plans, then I hear NOTHING, that's acceptable?

I don’t know what the word “acceptable” would possibly mean in this context. It’s not criminal or immoral, and it’s something people do a lot. I don’t see any reasons for an outrage. At any rate, it’s not something you can control.

 

40 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I shouldn't get my hopes up and get excited? I should show a poker face-guys will see my body language and I will come off as not interested. I should hope for nothing and still keep my options open?

Getting your hopes up and showing interest on your side are two different things. What does “poker face” have to do with this? You’ve showed more than enough interest in that guy. He chose not to reciprocate. End of story, move on.

[Onxy]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Probably. He might have hooked up with someone else, for example. Or you said something that turned him off. What does it matter? Why are you taking it so seriously?

 

You don’t seem to have a lot of experience in hookups in dating, otherwise you’d know the answer, People are different. Some find it hard to refuse someone directly. They prefer to ghost or slowly fade out or show their lack of interest in other ways.

 

I don’t know what the word “acceptable” would possibly mean in this context. It’s not criminal or immoral, and it’s something people do a lot. I don’t see any reasons for an outrage. At any rate, it’s not something you can control.

 

Getting your hopes up and showing interest on your side are two different things. What does “poker face” have to do with this? You’ve showed more than enough interest in that guy. He chose not to reciprocate. End of story, move on.

Quote

Getting your hopes up and showing interest on your side are two different things. What does “poker face” have to do with this? You’ve showed more than enough interest in that guy. He chose not to reciprocate. End of story, move on.

I'm talking about going on "future dates" with different guys. I should not get my hopes up and still show interest? How the heck does that work? 

[ShyViolet]

27 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Okay, soo next time, I go on a date and if the guy starts telling me "we should do this again" or "I'll call you" anything along those lines, then I should not expect anything out of it? And just be indifferent about it?

Pretty much yes.  Exactly.

When you go on a first date with someone, or you've only gone on a few dates with someone and you don't know them well, you should not have any expectations.  You should go into it with an open mind and with the attitude that you are just seeing what happens.  They don't owe you anything, and you are not hinging your entire happiness on whether this person follows through on every single word they may have said.  In these early interactions, there's always a high chance that it might fall through and not lead to anything, and you need to learn to accept that.  It's not a good use of your time to spend hours analyzing what their reasons might have been for ghosting you.  

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I'm talking about going on "future dates" with different guys. I should not get my hopes up and still show interest? How the heck does that work? 

It works by sincerely displaying your interest while not expecting it from the other person like it’s something they owe you.

I’m surprised that I need to explain something as basic as that.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

It works by sincerely displaying your interest while not expecting it from the other person like it’s something they owe you.

I’m surprised that I need to explain something as basic as that.

Yes it kinda feels like we are explaining basic human interactions here

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes it kinda feels like we are explaining basic human interactions here

Yes, hence my question to her about struggling to read social cues. 

OP, have you had a boyfriend before? 

[Onxy]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, hence my question to her about struggling to read social cues. 

OP, have you had a boyfriend before? 

Not really. I've only had casual dating with the same guy for about 8 months 

[basil67]

@Onxy You keep using the word "dating" to describe what is obviously "no strings sex".   The two are not the same, and a guy owes you far less if it's just casual sex

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Onxy said:

Not really. I've only had casual dating with the same guy for about 8 months 

You seem to be confused about what "dating" is.

[Els]

On 8/9/2025 at 10:41 AM, Onxy said:

Are you saying the next time I go on a date,  and the guy tells me he will text me, we should do this again sometime, or make plans, then I hear NOTHING, that's acceptable? I shouldn't get my hopes up and get excited? I should show a poker face-guys will see my body language and I will come off as not interested. I should hope for nothing and still keep my options open?

So... Was this a date or a hookup?

[Onxy]

9 hours ago, Els said:

So... Was this a date or a hookup?

Could you define date vs hookup? 

People have sex on the first meeting all the time; this isn't 1950 anymore, where women don't have sex with a guy they are seeing until marriage. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Onxy said:

Could you define date vs hookup? 

People have sex on the first meeting all the time; this isn't 1950 anymore, where women don't have sex with a guy they are seeing until marriage. 

You said at the start of this thread that you're only looking for a hookup, so we're working off what you say

For definition, dating involves spending a lot of time out of the bedroom enjoying each other's company.  Going on dinner dates, movies, markets, hiking.  Basically, it's about also enjoying a person's non sexual company. 

But most importantly, someone you're dating who respects you will not ask you to get in the car and come around at 1am to service him.  Heck, even sex workers won't do this - even they expect the man to come to them!   If you want a guy who treats you with respect, this should have been an automatic dealbreaker for you.  

 

Edited 6 hours ago by basil67

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Onxy said:

Could you define date vs hookup? 

People have sex on the first meeting all the time; this isn't 1950 anymore, where women don't have sex with a guy they are seeing until marriage. 

It’s not about sex, it’s about people’s intentions behind it, and about what they do besides sex.

The guy you’re talking about never said anything about this being more than a hookup. And he treats you accordingly. Did he ask you out on a date? No, he asked you to come over to give him a blowjob.

So where is the dating? Where are long conversations, walks in the park, lunches and dinners, movies, games, trips, all sorts of activities that people do when they’re dating?

Curiously, it’s your high expectations from a hookup that actually make it sound more like the 1950’s. Like, if a man had sex with you it automatically means you’re dating, he is now obliged to be your boyfriend and eventually marry you.

[Onxy]

31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s not about sex, it’s about people’s intentions behind it, and about what they do besides sex.

The guy you’re talking about never said anything about this being more than a hookup. And he treats you accordingly. Did he ask you out on a date? No, he asked you to come over to give him a blowjob.

So where is the dating? Where are long conversations, walks in the park, lunches and dinners, movies, games, trips, all sorts of activities that people do when they’re dating?

Curiously, it’s your high expectations from a hookup that actually make it sound more like the 1950’s. Like, if a man had sex with you it automatically means you’re dating, he is now obliged to be your boyfriend and eventually marry you.

Well, we matched on Bumble, and recently they have this new feature where the guy can send an opening line to the girl-his line was, "Date night in or date night out." I told him date night in. And he told me there was a nice bar near his place where we can meet for drinks. I told him I could go over to his place instead and have drinks. And when I got to his place, we sat on the couch and we were going to watch a movie-we never did. Because he told me he wanted to "f*** me" I mean, he let me sleep over his place and we cuddled throughout the night. 

There was no long conversation or dinners, movies. I mean, I don't know, maybe I should have met him at the bar instead, so we could have gotten to know each other more?

 

Edited 3 hours ago by Onxy

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Well, we matched on Bumble, and recently they have this new feature where the guy can send an opening line to the girl-his line was, "Date night in or date night out." I told him date night in. And he told me there was a nice bar near his place where we can meet for drinks. I told him I could go over to his place instead and have drinks. And when I got to his place, we sat on the couch and we were going to watch a movie-we never did. Because he told me he wanted to "f*** me" I mean, he let me sleep over his place and we cuddled throughout the night. 

There was no long conversation or dinners, movies. I mean, I don't know, maybe I should have met him at the bar instead, so we could have gotten to know each other more?

 

OP, I don’t understand, are you really that naive or is this some kind of trolling?

”Date night in” = hookup. Casual sex. One night stand. No strings attached.

But the weirdest part is this: you knew that. You are the one who asked him to go to his place instead of a bar! That was an official declaration of a hookup, an empathic statement that this was not a date, and you made it!

Then why on God’s green Earth are you expecting that guy to behave like you were dating, if you were 100%, crystal clear right from the beginning that it was not dating?

 

[Onxy]

48 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I don’t understand, are you really that naive or is this some kind of trolling?

”Date night in” = hookup. Casual sex. One night stand. No strings attached.

But the weirdest part is this: you knew that. You are the one who asked him to go to his place instead of a bar! That was an official declaration of a hookup, an empathic statement that this was not a date, and you made it!

Then why on God’s green Earth are you expecting that guy to behave like you were dating, if you were 100%, crystal clear right from the beginning that it was not dating?

 

I'm not trolling, I guess I caught feelings for him, and I thought he would have feelings for me later on and wanted to hang out more. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you have any close female friends or family members in rea life who can guide you? 

You seem to have no clue what you are doing and no idea how dating works. I don't think strangers online can help you much with this. 

[Gebidozo]

35 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I'm not trolling, I guess I caught feelings for him, and I thought he would have feelings for me later on and wanted to hang out more. 

How could you have caught feelings for him before you met him? Or even during the first meeting? That makes no sense at all.

But even if somebody slipped you a digital love potion and you really miraculously fell for him at first virtual sight, assuming that he “would have feelings for you later on” is preposterous. You simply can’t assume such things, least of all after you made it clear to him that it was only casual sex.

Other people’s feelings are their own and you can’t control them or plan for them to happen. Why on Earth would you think that a guy would fall for you simply because you had a one night stand with him? You can’t be that gullible.

OP, I think your ideas about dating and romance have little to do with objective reality, and I’m afraid that you’re going to be very hurt if you continue in that vein. Perhaps there is somebody in your life, perhaps a close friend, or maybe even a therapist, who can explain these things to you better.

 

 

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

How could you have caught feelings for him before you met him? Or even during the first meeting? That makes no sense at all.

Gebidozo has a good point.    To be fair, feelings for someone we've never met can develop via weeks and months of intense conversations - this is why so many seem to get into LDRs of years without meeting.  Not suggesting it's sustainable, but that connection without having met face to face can feel very real.  I've even experienced it with pen pals.     But this is a man you've had at best a couple of sentences with.  If he's hot, you may have feelings of lust, but one can't develop romantic feelings based on "hey, do you wanna come over for some sex"

I ask this kindly, do you have any diagnosis?  I feel like you are missing the social cues around situations like this

Edited 21 minutes ago by basil67