Anonymous Posted August 4 Posted August 4 We met when we were at the end of long 30+ year marriages. We met nine months ago. I left my husband two months later. He left his wife five months after we met, which is now four months ago. We are still a secret. Only a couple of close family members are aware of our situation. We would like to move to a traditional, normal relationship without anyone ever finding out. This is mostly to preserve the relationship with our adult children, and relationships with other friends if possible. There's been a lot of waiting, and it's hard, but at some point we want to stop waiting and let people know we have "met someone". So, to those who have been here before, any tips on how to do this? What timeframe will people think is acceptable? I would dearly love to move in with him now, but it's probably way too soon.
stillafool Posted August 4 Posted August 4 The only time frame you need IMO is to wait after the divorces. Have you both filed for divorce and where are you in the process? Some people file for a legal separation or it is required and then start dating. Have you done that? Do your children know you're seeing each other?
BaileyB Posted August 4 Posted August 4 (edited) 9 hours ago, Anonymous said: So, to those who have been here before, any tips on how to do this? From personal experience, the people who love you want you to be happy. Get the divorce and when you are ready, tell them that you’ve met someone. This is KEY - don’t push your new relationship on your children/family. Give them some time to get used to the idea. Introduce your new partner when your kids say that they are ready. Keep your expectations low - the first holiday, your kids may not be ready for your new partner to attend. Enjoy your new relationship - this is a special time for the two of you together. Things will come together with your children with time and it will be easier/faster if you are patient and respect the feelings of your children who are grieving the loss of this nuclear family. It will take longer and be much harder if you push this on them. But - if they love you, they will accept this… because they want you to be happy. Edited August 4 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted August 4 Posted August 4 (edited) 9 hours ago, Anonymous said: I would dearly love to move in with him now, but it's probably way too soon. Sorry, I missed this initially… Please, don’t move in with this man now. I wouldn’t advise anyone who has been dating someone for a handful of months to move in together - certainly not someone who is in this situation and wants their children to accept the new relationship. My goodness - let’s throw gasoline on a smouldering fire by moving in with a man that your children do not even know exists as you are in the process of divorcing their father. That is the OPPOSITE of what I described above - if you want your children to put some distance between you - moving in with your affair partner before the ink has even dried on the divorce papers with their father should do it. Very. Bad. Idea. I think you are at least 18 months to 3 years away from moving in with this guy… assuming your kids accept the relationship and all goes smoothly… Having lived it with a parent who thought his feelings and opinions were the only ones that mattered and who now admits that he moved too fast and would make different decisions… taking your time with this and being considerate of your children’s feelings is ALWAYS going to be better for your kids and your relationship with your family. Edited August 4 by BaileyB
Anonymous Posted August 4 Posted August 4 Thanks for your comments. Our kids are all 25-29. I've told mine I'm dating, just not that I met someone. My husband had already told our kids he was going to start dating, so that was easier for me. My partner will tell his kids he's dating in the next month or so, maybe when he's coming up on six months separated. Where I live you can't apply for divorce until you've been separated 12 months. Until it feels right we'll probably continue with the sleepovers a few times a week. Hopefully I can spend a lot of time at his place while technically still living somewhere else. I think it's just that the secrecy and waiting is hard. I feel like I've been waiting all year, and we've both had enough of the secrecy. I know it's necessary, I just don't like it. We are both aware that Christmas will be tricky, and we will not be celebrating as a couple with any of our kids.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5 Posted August 5 At this point, you don't even know if this relationship will last. You two have rushed straight into something after having both left long marriages. A lot can go sideways here, and you don't really know yet if this will even work out. It is always a gamble to divebomb right into something new after finishing one relationship. Add to that the fact that it was an affair, and there is high risk it won't last. It may, yes, but you need to be a biit more realistic here and realize you first need to understand if you two have the legs to make it last longer term. It's way too early to know that. 22 hours ago, Anonymous said: I would dearly love to move in with him Why? What's the big rush? 3
Bobby Posted August 5 Posted August 5 Fair point Expat. In your opinion how long does it take to know whether you have the legs?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5 Posted August 5 59 minutes ago, Bobby said: Fair point Expat. In your opinion how long does it take to know whether you have the legs? I'd give it at least a year. Especially since affairs are prone to falling apart after they're no longer affairs. 2
Anonymous Posted August 5 Posted August 5 Thanks for that. :) Realistically it's probably going to be at least early New Year when we actually move in . Which will be nine months non-affair, and 14 months total. Obviously we'll end up doing whatever we do. But it's useful to get other opinions.
BaileyB Posted August 5 Posted August 5 (edited) 13 hours ago, Anonymous said: We are both aware that Christmas will be tricky, and we will not be celebrating as a couple with any of our kids. It’s been 12 years for us and my father and his girlfriend still don’t celebrate Christmas together - not because the children/grandchildren would be opposed, but because they both want to spend the holiday with their children/grandchildren and extended families. Blended families can be complex and difficult to coordinate. I agree with expat - more time is needed for you to assess whether this relationship will go the distance or whether it has served its purpose (as an exit affair - the catalyst for you to end your marriage). I understand that you are eager to move forward and legitimize/make this relationship “official,” but you will never regret taking the time to do a serious assessment of whether this person/relationship is truly a good partner for you and give your kids time to adjust to this new change in their lives… All kinds of bad things are possible if you don’t - Edited August 5 by BaileyB 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5 Posted August 5 12 hours ago, Anonymous said: Realistically it's probably going to be at least early New Year when we actually move in . Which will be nine months non-affair, and 14 months total. It would be a good idea to take this time to get on your own two feet again. You haven't been on your own in a very long time, obviously. Are you still living with your husband? 1
Anonymous Posted August 5 Posted August 5 Neither of us are living with spouses. I moved out in December and currently rent/share with a housemate. My partner moved out in March and has been living at a friend’s house. He’s just moved into his investment property so has his own place now. Their finances are separated. My husband and I have agreed to put our family home on the market next year, we’re mortgage free and all other finances are separated. I’ve been working this year on developing my friendships and interests as a single person, because I was very shut down and insular while living at home. It’s a huge transition. I take your points Bailey and Expat
BaileyB Posted August 5 Posted August 5 I wish you well during this time of transition. I hope you take the time you need before making any more major life decisions. Best wishes. 1
Carlston Posted August 6 Posted August 6 On 8/4/2025 at 7:33 AM, Anonymous said: What timeframe will people think is acceptable? Why do you care so much about what other people think? You're so worried you even post under the name "Anonymous". What's it like to live your life in such fear of the disapproval of others?
Bobby Posted August 7 Posted August 7 Hi Carlston, I would have thought it reasonable that we want to preserve relationships with our adult kids, and existing friends if possible. It's natural to worry about how this will play out going forward. I'm not worried about being judged by people on the internet, but I do worry about those closest to us. I was looking for input from others here, and I got some useful advice.
Carlston Posted August 7 Posted August 7 5 hours ago, Bobby said: Hi Carlston, I would have thought it reasonable that we want to preserve relationships with our adult kids, and existing friends if possible. It's natural to worry about how this will play out going forward. I'm not worried about being judged by people on the internet, but I do worry about those closest to us. I was looking for input from others here, and I got some useful advice. If your friends disapprove of your actions they weren't your friends to begin with. Kids are going to be reluctant to accept a new partner in their parents life regardless of how quickly it happens, although older kids probably won't care so much but again if they do, and they decide they don't want to remain connected to you, then screw 'em. Life your life without fear of others.
Recommended Posts