Bobby Posted August 4 Posted August 4 We met when we were at the end of long 30+ year marriages. We met nine months ago. I left my husband two months later. He left his wife five months after we met, which is now four months ago. We are still a secret. Only a couple of close family members are aware of our situation. We would like to move to a traditional, normal relationship without anyone ever finding out. This is mostly to preserve the relationship with our adult children, and relationships with other friends if possible. There's been a lot of waiting, and it's hard, but at some point we want to stop waiting and let people know we have "met someone". So, to those who have been here before, any tips on how to do this? What timeframe will people think is acceptable? I would dearly love to move in with him now, but it's probably way too soon.
Gebidozo Posted August 4 Posted August 4 My experience with my current partner has been similar in some ways. We started an affair when I was in a long-term relationship, then broke up, then reconnected a year and a half later, which caused her to get out of her relationship. We aren’t secret, but her relatives still refuse to accept me after almost 3 years. They think her ex was a much better match. I can only imagine how much harder it is for the relatives of someone who’s been married for 30 years. i definitely don’t suggest to move together so soon, and take your time making this relationship publicly official. As long as it’s official between you two, and as long as it doesn’t affect the actual time spent with your current partner, it doesn’t make much difference who knows about it and who doesn’t.
Author Bobby Posted August 4 Author Posted August 4 Good advice, I know that intellectually. But in my heart I just want to move to the next stage, wake up next to him every day. We're not particularly patient people, that's all. Gonna have to be I guess. I think as well that it's just the way I am, to want to move quickly. I moved in with my husband two weeks after I met him, and it was a good marriage for 20 years or so, it just faded to a roommate situation and we had nothing left to talk about. There was no dramatic blow up, but there was no connection left.
Gebidozo Posted August 5 Posted August 5 2 hours ago, Bobby said: I moved in with my husband two weeks after I met him, and it was a good marriage for 20 years or so, it just faded to a roommate situation and we had nothing left to talk about. If it faded to roommate situation then it wasn’t a good marriage. A good marriage doesn’t end in a divorce. Moving in with someone within two weeks of meeting them is an insane decision. If, as you admit yourself, you don’t have much patience, please be extra slow and careful with this new relationship.
Author Bobby Posted August 5 Author Posted August 5 I have to respectfully disagree that good marriages don't end in divorce. We were together for 33 years. We had twenty or more great years, and the fact that a marriage ended doesn't mean it wasn't good for the years that it was. It means we allowed distance and a lack of emotional and physical intimacy to sever the connection. We tried marriage counselling but it was far too late. Sometimes things end, and that's hard. We are being careful, and I appreciate your advice.
S2B Posted August 5 Posted August 5 You would both being doing yourselves a favor if you wait until the divorces are final. In the mean time do some individual counseling to become independent. Also be smart about keeping your assets and money separated while together in the future. but I’m a believer that any union is happier if a person is happy alone as much as happy with a love interest. I believe you need to learn what happy alone looks like. i also think it’s less complicated if people divorcing wait until it is final. Many people file and the timeline gets complicated - causing tension and resentments.
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