Jae9891 Posted August 3 Posted August 3 I NEED HELP. Badly! Im stuck in this loop and I don't know how to get out. It hurts. Im (35), She (42). We have been together for 1.5 years. It never used to be this way. I was NEVER this anxious in my life! Now im so broken and confused to leave her. Im embarrassed to even admit this stuff. It started in the beginning with her minor outbursts to minor problems and inconveniences. When i was willing to walk, she begged me to give her time and patience because she "hasn't been" in a relationship in so long. Ok cool. The more I tried to br patient, the worst she got. Then I got to a point she would threaten to use other men as threats in gain control in the relationship when she wanted s*** to go her way. Then it progressed to serial dumping but then said she's "just joking" when I was willing to walk at whatever strength I had left. Now its to the point where she will openly disrespect me. I've tried hard to stand up for myself but it just seems to not work. She does double standard s***, gaslighting and blamed shifting. When I refuse to engage in ANY arguments, im wrong. Even when she is fully validated. But when I need to talk with her, im starting stuff. For example TODAY. At the gym i seen this guy she was messaging behind my back. I confronted her about this yesterday. She got upset. But she has done the exact same to me via confronting ANY of my female friends for no justifiable reason. I told her inwas going to go ask him and i did respectfully. She got upset and literally stonewalled me. She told me i should take her "word" for it and not "cause" trouble so she threatening to mess up my job at work. We work together BTW. She then later called me to "talk" to which i initially declined. Then I gave in and tried to talk to her. She literally accused me of having an "attitude" because I told her that I felt some kind of way from earlier which in turn she said "made her" feel like she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I felt like she used me to see if I was still willing and when she saw that she went back in her same narcissistic avoidant ways. When I kept asking her direct yes or no questions, she keeps evading them by saying idk, up to you or I have nothing to say. But when I say the EXACT SAME THING, she says im not trying to talk and she doesn't want to do "this" while knowingly admitting to being the main causation of this. Basically She gets upset when I mirror her actions yet she sees NO PROBLEM doing it smh. Im done. I wanna be done so damn bad! Im hurt. Im confused. Im weak. I feel so alone. I cant take this anymore. I hate this "eggshell" feeling and I need emotional support. I know its going to be said to just "walk away" but this constant loop and being in love complicates this into a whole new level which i cant describe. By no means am I saying im perfect. Im not. All im saying is that for the love I have gave and dealt with from her, this hurts. I used to remember reading stuff like this about how it was hard to leave a relationship and I honestly used to think it was a "joke" as far as...."it isn't so hard to leave....Just LEAVE!" OBVIOUSLY I've been humbled beyond repair. Please be easy on me. Im trying. Im crying in anger as I type this out. I need tips, stories, advice....anything to help me begin my journey to leave her alone.
Gebidozo Posted August 4 Posted August 4 I’m sorry, but I really can’t give you any other advice but this: leave. Someone who uses other men to threaten your relationship or threatens to mess up your job isn’t “avoidant”, it’s an emotional abuser. Leave without looking back, before it’s too late. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 4 Posted August 4 This is not an "avoidant anxious cycle"... she is ABUSIVE. You need to END this relationship. It's very concerning that you didn't have the self-respect to walk away much earlier when she showed the first signs of this behavior. You allowed this to go on too long. You shouldn't date again until you get some serious therapy, so you don't repeat these patterns.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5 Posted August 5 Until you learn to respect yourself, this won't get better. Why? Becuase you won't fnd it in youself to do what you should have done ages ago and end this completely. We can't really offer much help if you won't help yourself. Have your past relationships been like this too? I also don't see where an anxious-avoidant attachment style factors into this. She's just a jerrk and you have low self-respect. 1
Author Jae9891 Posted August 5 Author Posted August 5 Yes I understand. It's been over a year. It's not easy. This sucks. Trust me I'm trying my HARDEST to leave. I JUST don't know HOW.
Gebidozo Posted August 6 Posted August 6 3 hours ago, Jae9891 said: Yes I understand. It's been over a year. It's not easy. This sucks. Trust me I'm trying my HARDEST to leave. I JUST don't know HOW. You’ve only been together for such a short time, you don’t live together, you don’t depend on each other financially, you don’t have kids. Just tell her you’re breaking up with her, and do it.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 6 Posted August 6 I'm sorry but you have a fundamentally wrong assumption that's getting you into trouble. It started in the beginning with her minor outbursts to minor problems and inconveniences. There are no "minor outbursts" and "minor problems" that are acceptable at the start of a relationship. You're putting up with being treated like dirt, so it's no surprise that the partner continues to treat you like dirt. Dump her. No, there are no "outbursts" that are acceptable early in a relationship. Absent having a history of being tortured for ten years. And even then, outbursts are not acceptable, they're just more perhaps understandable. Stop going out with people who treat you in a way you don't like, especially in the first months. Period. Move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 6 Posted August 6 9 hours ago, Jae9891 said: Trust me I'm trying my HARDEST to leave. What exactly have you been doing to try your hardest? 1
Acacia98 Posted August 12 Posted August 12 On 8/4/2025 at 2:51 AM, Jae9891 said: Please be easy on me. Im trying. Im crying in anger as I type this out. I need tips, stories, advice....anything to help me begin my journey to leave her alone. I'm sorry, OP. One thing that might help you is understanding the mechanics of your relationship. When you understand the things she does, how they impact you, and why they impact you that way, it's easier to understand when she's pushing your buttons and how to resist. To this end, you can do a search for, say, "understanding abuse manipulation." I've just glanced at the search results, and they look promising. Why don't you read some of the articles and watch some of the videos and then come back here with any questions or thoughts you have.
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