Does my husbands friend's wife dislike me?

[Gibbse]

I've been married to my husband for over 10 years. He has some lovely friends (not in the same friendship group) who he has known for years before we got together 18 years ago. I think one of husband's closest friend's wife doesn't like me and I don't know what her problem is. I feel I'm not good enough for her as I have tried for 18 years to be decent and friendly. Her sister and my sister are best friends as well so we've known each other for over 20 years. She met her husband for 2 years before I got together with my husband. It was quite apparent she was frustrated by the fact we got engaged, married and had a child before they did. I invited her to my hen which she declined. She then made remarks about our plans for our wedding in terms of the photographer we were using and she got weird by the fact i wouldn't reveal what my wedding dress was like, even though my husband was sitting directly opposite me when she asked. She pinched me when we walked out after our wedding ceremony blurting out jokingly "you said your dress was simple". She made lots of remarks during our wedding reception to my family and friends saying that this was basically her wedding and comparing every thing to how her day was going to be like. I was very upset by this but never confronted her. We went to their wedding 2 months after which was lovely but she said she had changed certain bits (which I noticed had been changed to match same as ours e.g her bridesmaid dresses, colour themes, ceremonial songs etc). She also behaved and did little quirky things and gestures during the day which were exactly the same as what I did on my day as I am known to be a bit of a character, which both my husband and I noticed and thought this was very odd. I didn't like she was trying to be competitive and same as me because what's the point. This woman is far more pretty, well dressed and quite glamorous in comparison to me so she has nothing to want to compete with as far as Im concerned. Fast forward a few years we have rarely done anything together considering they live up the road and our children go to same school. Our husbands speak regularly and go for an occasional round of golf. Ive tried a few times to make the effort and thought we had turned a corner in 2022 when we were both at another wedding and we had a lovely time together, but sadly no. My husband and I never get invited for social dinners or nights out. She did give me a card and bottle of Asti for my 40th months ago which I appreciated but I recently discovered that she had a big do for her 40th and neither me or my husband were invited. This really upset me as there were lots of other people I knew, one in particular who has been very two faced behind her back so I couldn't believe that she went, let alone been invited. They go out for lunches and dinners together. Despite my upset i bought her a lovely 40th gift box with a glass, candle etc in it. I felt that i need to be the bigger person and try. She's a very popular girl with a lot of friends but sadly she's one of those people who comes across a bit stuck up, is very self centred but also a real arse licker which by today really irritates me. My husband sees these things in her as well but thinks I should ignore it. 

I can't make sense of what's going on here. I've come to the point that I'm feeling very angry and resentful towards her. Is it just me who sees there's an issue here? And what can i do to resolve/move forward with this?

Edited Sunday at 01:39 PM by Gibbse
Misspelled

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth do you feel the need to keep trying and trying to get this woman to like you, when her behavior has been nothing but petty, competetive and rude to you?  Honestly WHO CARES if she doesn't like you.... don't you think you deserve better friends than this?  I don't understand why you feel like you have to keep trying to cultivate a friendship with her.  She is clearly not your friend.

[Gibbse]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth do you feel the need to keep trying and trying to get this woman to like you, when her behavior has been nothing but petty, competetive and rude to you?  Honestly WHO CARES if she doesn't like you.... don't you think you deserve better friends than this?  I don't understand why you feel like you have to keep trying to cultivate a friendship with her.  She is clearly not your friend.

Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate it. You are absolutely right and it's exactly what I would say to someone else should they be in the same situation. She isn't worth my energy or time tbh but i merely try for my husband's sake. She appears to be very popular and well liked by so many people, and because of this I have gotten myself into the habit of thinking that I'm the problem and there must be something wrong with me. Others don't see or have experienced what I have from her so it's very hard to not feel a little resentful. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gibbse said:

She appears to be very popular and well liked by so many people, and because of this I have gotten myself into the habit of thinking that I'm the problem and there must be something wrong with me. Others don't see or have experienced what I have from her so it's very hard to not feel a little resentful. 

You are not the problem, she is.  She just doesn't like you for whatever reason and you need to accept that and stop trying to be her friend.   You said your husband and hers play an occasional round of golf, so it isn't like he sees him every weekend or daily.  I would just let him have his friendship with her husband and stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  You should just start having your own parties with your real friends and not invite her.  Be pleasant when you see her but stop trying to be her friend.  Say hello, be cordial and keep it moving.  I have a feeling that once you stop acting like you care and show that you're having fun with your own life's plans she will eventually come around.  If not, who needs her?

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Gibbse said:

And what can i do to resolve/move forward with this?

Stop trying to get her approval. 

I don't really see why you want to be friends with someone you describe this way: 
 

23 hours ago, Gibbse said:

who comes across a bit stuck up, is very self centred but also a real arse licker

I would personally not care if she didn't like me because I can't imagine wanting to be friends with this individual anyway. I get that it sucks to feel left out, but I also don't quite understand why you keep trying to prove yourself to her, either. 

Accept that you two aren't friends, and reflect on where this need for her approval comes from. 

[Els]

Unlike what 90s sitcoms would have you believe, there isn't really a need to be all chummy with your husband's friend's wife. Just be polite in group interactions with them, and focus on your own friends.

[MsJayne]

Sounds like she's jealous of you for whatever reason. Maybe her husband really likes you and it gets up her jealous nose. Excluding you from social gatherings is really spiteful, for me that would mean the gloves are off and I would pretty much ignore her completely outside of a grunted hello if I happened to run into her somewhere. Go ahead and be rude and dismissive towards her, it always rocks the a***ole's boat when someone gives them the a***ole treatment back. 

[Acacia98]

On 8/3/2025 at 4:33 PM, Gibbse said:

I've come to the point that I'm feeling very angry and resentful towards her. Is it just me who sees there's an issue here? And what can i do to resolve/move forward with this?

You're feeling angry and resentful because you keep doing all this stuff for her and she doesn't reciprocate. You obviously can't force her to reciprocate, but you can stop doing so much for her. Let her efforts guide you. If she doesn't invite you to events, don't invite her to events. If she doesn't get you elaborate gifts, don't get her elaborate gifts. If she only occasionally does one nice/polite thing for you, match that. And let this be your general guide for dealing with people. Don't invest too much energy in people who are, at best, lukewarm in their treatment of you.