Right Person Wrong Timing Breakup & Friend Group Complexities.

[Dash23]

Hey Folks,

Just over a month ago, I had an incredible partner have to call things off. I met her through a mutual female friend and it simply started as a group of 4 of us hanging out every week as friends for the first 2 months. After trusting me, and feeling good around me for quite some time, she eventually made a move on me, we hooked up a few times, and then we soon progressed it into an actual relationship because of our feelings and dated for 4 months after. And given I knew her for 6 months at this point, I even eventually met her 2 elementary aged girls and family, which went great! A month before her calling it off, she was crying and talked about feeling overwhelmed and how she feels like she’s trying to be so many different people and it’s like she never has time and is stretched so thin. So, in hindsight, the breakup wasn’t a complete blindside. Given that we’re also part of the same friend group and must figure that out, her and I had a great talk where we didn’t hold anything back so we could get to the bottom of “us” and how this looks moving forward. The main points that came up were the following:

-she said the meeting of the kids although great felt like it kind of ramped up the intensity and it felt like it meant “full steam ahead” so she was feeling even more overwhelmed and realizes she needs to prioritize her focus on her kids and what she currently needs.  She’s not even meeting her important basics even (not going to the gym, barely sleeping, etc.). She feels like she’s not showing up anywhere the way she wants to, that she needs to get to a point where she feels she has more capacity to give and the only thing that she can sacrifice at this current point is unfortunately a relationship.

-She said I never asked for too much but it’s a pressure that she puts on herself, she puts people before herself and talks about this in therapy a lot since she’s a people pleaser and other people’s feelings are so important to her. She gives a lot emotionally and is all or nothing in a relationship and these are all things she needs to work on. It all became too much, and she needs to put her energy towards her kids and herself.

-the last point led to us talking about scaling it back to friends with benefits even though it’s never a great idea and she said because of feelings that she doesn’t know if we should go there, at least not any time soon.

-I told her all the reasons why she’s the best partner I’ve had even in the limited time we’ve known each other. She agrees I have all the qualities she wants in a partner, she genuinely did/does see long term and that’s why this really sucks as she has nothing negative to say about me and it has nothing to do with me, but she’s not ready timing wise.

-She was in a marriage for 15 years and after 2 months of separating, she had a rough 8-month situationship with a guy, then 3 weeks after that, her and I unexpectedly happened. She feels like she hasn’t figured out herself and how to navigate herself.

-Although she didn’t state it as a specific reason for the breakup, she is about to go through the legal divorce matters and serve her ex the papers, which will be a stressful time.  I did let her know that I was ready to go to war with her through those trials and tribulations as much as it is going to be rough – and that my support doesn’t end even after the breakup, especially considering we’re part of a friend group.

-I was very honest with her and said I’d obviously be devastated if I found out several months down the road, she was dating a new guy given how compatible her and I are and how many steps we’ve already proven, especially with meeting her kids and family who really like me (and they didn’t like her last guy nor are they fans of their dad). She said there is genuinely no one else she wants, I have all the qualities she wants, that’d she’s obviously so attracted to me, the physical chemistry, she’s just not timing wise there – and when the timing is right for her, Ill be the first person she’ll still think of and will contact, and if I’m with someone then it is what it is at that point.

That was the just of the long chat we had. I know many people disagree with the “right person, wrong time” way of thinking, and even though she obviously doesn’t expect me to wait for her and I can’t read the future, it’s so hard not to be cautiously hopeful. I absolutely want to get back together down the road. We still text in our 4 friend group chat here and there and her and I have even sent some Instagram things to each other back and forth a few weeks ago. We even hung out for our weekly group hangout twice since the breakup, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t an “odd” feeling since we’ve been reset to just friends for the time being.  It also doesn’t help that she looks extra hot now that it’s summer time!

I’m curious on people’s thoughts and if anyone has been in a similar situation and how they coped, while trying to manage moving forward even though it’s so hard to not keep hope.

Edited August 1 by Dash23

[Gebidozo]

Well, it certainly feels like you rushed into a relationship with a person who is still legally married to someone and is clearly in a state of emotional and even physical instability and turmoil.

Meeting her kids and family was absolutely unnecessary, way too early, and very strange, considering the circumstances. She is still married to someone. She just barely got out of a subsequent relationship with someone else, probably a rebound. You’ve been only dating for 4 months.

You got entangled into something without thinking it through, and the results are quite predictable.

Please don’t keep up hope of a rekindled relationship with her and make sure that next time you don’t push things forward so fast with a person who isn’t mentally ready to be in a relationship.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that this all seems very rushed. 

She's still fairly fresh out of a marriage, especially comsidering she didn't really have any downtime on her own to process everything before she started dating again. She wasnìt thiinking clearly and got too wrapped up with you too quickly. Now it's all hitting her.  

I wouldn't hedge your bets on rekindling any time soon. Maybe in the future you can reconnect, but I would not plan for that.  It's hard to say if this was just poor timing, and I wouldn't stress yourself out over that. I would urge you to keep your distace from her in the event that she does wind up dating someone else. I realize she said she woulnd't, and she may not, but you can't rule it out either. It would be very hurtful if you continue to keep in  personal contact and then you come to find out she's gone out with another man at some point. I also realize you share mutual friends, but I would strongly suggest you keep your distance otherwise and don't communicate with her outside of that. 

Next time, be very cautious about someome who is this recently out of a marriage, and don't involve the kids so soon. It creates a sense of false intimacy  that is built on a flimsy foundation simply becase your relationship wasn't yet solid enough to take such a step. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Dash23 said:

she is about to go through the legal divorce matters and serve her ex the papers, which will be a stressful time.  I did let her know that I was ready to go to war with her through those trials and tribulations as much as it is going to be rough – and that my support doesn’t end even after the breakup

And be careful about volunteering yourself for this role. It doesn't sound as though she asked for your support, and while your heart may be in the right place, it would not be wise to get involved in this. It's not really your place and it would keep you too attached to her. 

 

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Dash23 said:

 I did let her know that I was ready to go to war with her through those trials and tribulations as much as it is going to be rough – and that my support doesn’t end even after the breakup, especially considering we’re part of a friend group.

-I was very honest with her and said I’d obviously be devastated if I found out several months down the road, she was dating a new guy given how compatible her and I are and how many steps we’ve already proven, especially with meeting her kids and family who really like me

This right here is you continuing to put pressure on her about wanting to continue the relationship... which honestly is not very respectful of you.  She is letting you know she is completely stressed out with all she has going on in her life and she doesn't have the time or mental capacity for this relationship.  You need to respect that.  Give her the space she is asking for.  You never know, maybe you and her can circle back some time in the future if her life is in a different place.  But do not put pressure on her about it.  Let her be the one to come to you, if she does at all.

Edited August 2 by ShyViolet

[Dash23]

On 8/1/2025 at 8:34 PM, Gebidozo said:

Meeting her kids and family was absolutely unnecessary, way too early, and very strange, considering the circumstances. She is still married to someone. She just barely got out of a subsequent relationship with someone else, probably a rebound. You’ve been only dating for 4 months.

Her parents were consistently being polite and inviting me to tag along to family dinners and her youngest daughter was very much pushing for it - so they figured might as well rip off the band-aid and just meet everyone at once.  She definitely just "went with it" at the time when we all met but it obviously ended up hitting her two-fold after the fact with the overwhelm. Months back, her ex husband brought his now girlfriend into the picture with their daughters way sooner than she wanted and she is not fond that the new girlfriend is always around with their daughters during the 50% time that he has them. In hindsight, me meeting her family 6 months in of knowing her may have been too soon after all. The one saving grace is that I only met and hung out with her daughters twice as she made a point to not have me around all the time during her 50% time with them. So, as much as her family and daughters really liked me, no deep bonds have been formed yet with them by any means.

 

On 8/1/2025 at 8:34 PM, Gebidozo said:

You got entangled into something without thinking it through, and the results are quite predictable.

Yeah, even our last text after we had the talk, she reiterated that this is all very confusing for her and she feels like she's losing her mind, but she needs to do what's best for her right now. She thanked me for being supportive and understanding of that.

 

On 8/2/2025 at 12:11 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I would urge you to keep your distance from her in the event that she does wind up dating someone else. I realize she said she woulnd't, and she may not, but you can't rule it out either. It would be very hurtful if you continue to keep in  personal contact and then you come to find out she's gone out with another man at some point. I also realize you share mutual friends, but I would strongly suggest you keep your distance otherwise and don't communicate with her outside of that. 

Indeed, I'm aware there is potential of this happening and truthfully, this would be 10x worse than the actual breakup for me. What makes it tricky is our mutual female friend is her best friend that she's known for 20 years and even though this friend cares about both of us, her loyalties ultimately lie with her. It worked great when we were dating since we are all friends and hung out so often as a group, but I can clearly tell our mutual friend had a bit of jealously and part of her is glad to have more attention from her (and me to an extent) in individual capacities. She's made it clear that she is well aware of her friend and that it doesn't have any bearing on her decisions. Our mutual friend calls me every week for a check in and to see how I'm doing - and this is tricky since I've often said how I'm feeling when she asks, but feel I'm constantly needing to be careful of any 'angles' with her and the recon of information she may get. I'm not exactly sure how to move forward with this but at some point I'm basically going to have to respectfully tell her that I'd prefer we don't talk about any of that stuff for everyone's sake.

Our group of 4 normally hang out every Thursday and would usually talk about fun topics revolved around relationships and such. Our mutual friend and I discussed how Thursdays moving forward are obviously going to be different and I mentioned that the trickiest part is that my ex and I aren't going to be able to talk about certain things as to avoid hurting each other. 

On 8/2/2025 at 12:14 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

And be careful about volunteering yourself for this role. It doesn't sound as though she asked for your support, and while your heart may be in the right place, it would not be wise to get involved in this. It's not really your place and it would keep you too attached to her. 

Agreed, and I said it more from a place of the fact that we're part of the same friend group hence my support in general as a friend does not stop just because she's ended things with us romantically. She has an amazing support system of friends and family so I'm aware that she won't really have any need to talk to me about that stuff anyhow.

 

On 8/2/2025 at 10:39 AM, ShyViolet said:

This right here is you continuing to put pressure on her about wanting to continue the relationship... which honestly is not very respectful of you.

In many ways, you're absolutely right but I needed to let her know how I'd ultimately feel about it since her and I were quite transparent with each other during our talk, given we have the friend group dynamic to navigate moving forward. She mentioned she doesn't want to hear that I'm sleeping with anyone. She also even mentioned she hated hearing the idea of me dating anyone else (even though she obviously doesn't expect me to wait). A week ago, my therapist was throwing out different ideas/scenarios of how to handle the whole situation and asked me how I would feel if I told her I wanted to wait. I said I absolutely would never say anything along those lines now at this point since it would put more unneeded pressure on her and that it would come off quite pathetic. Plus, she's already well aware that if we're both available when the time is right that I would be absolutely open to reconnecting.

Also during our talk, I briefly brought up the issue of the expensive gift she bought me for us to go to an orchestral show together in mid October. I said we could potentially go as friends when the time comes and we both agreed we still have months to figure that out when the time comes. 

[livingalife2009]

She is still married and already introduced you to her kids as her lover. Sounds like she is unstable. Stay away from her for now.

[Dash23]

On 8/28/2025 at 10:37 AM, livingalife2009 said:

She is still married and already introduced you to her kids as her lover. Sounds like she is unstable. Stay away from her for now.

It's layered for sure. Her youngest daughter pushed for me to meet them all given that she knew her mom and I were already friends for 2 months even before the 4 months that we actually dated. Then my ex's mother said "invite him to our family dinner and might as well rip the band-aid off and meet everyone at once" and my ex went with it at the time. But all in all, I only saw the family once and her daughters twice so there isn't any scathing damage on that end. 

 

On 8/2/2025 at 12:11 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I also realize you share mutual friends, but I would strongly suggest you keep your distance otherwise and don't communicate with her outside of that. 

This is the bit that I'm struggling with the most as of late. My ex and I have done a good job of naturally cutting off direct contact over the last couple of months other than the odd birthday text at this point. What is difficult is navigating my friendship with our mutual friend (my ex and her are best friends and have known each other for decades, while I've only known this friend for about 5ish years) so ultimately her loyalty and what she may disclose freely will always be to her. 

This friend cares about both of us but it's easy to tell part of her does not want us to be together. I also secretly know she's even told my ex that she doesn't think we are a match and that I'm not her guy and that I was like this in the beginning of my 2nd last relationship before things started going south. Sure, it's her opinion, but my ex and I don't agree with it nor that what has happened in my past is necessarily indicative of the future. 

This mutual friend and I hooked up several times when we first knew each other 5 years ago and have obviously since remained completely platonic even well before I started dating her friend. So naturally, I stopped hanging out with our mutual friend 1 on 1 out of respect for my new relationship and we kept that to group settings.  However, upon the breakup conversation, I asked my ex how she would feel if our mutual friend asked me to hang out from time to time given, she knows there is nothing between us and since I was friends with her years before we started dating. She responded that she can't be mad "outwardly" but that she honestly wouldn't like it.  And I can't just straight up tell this friend of ours any of this stuff that I know because it could mess with their friendship. So, I've been respectfully trying to only accept hang out invites from our mutual friend when it's in some sort of "group setting". Some people have told me that my ex should just have to deal with it since I was already friends with her best friend years beforehand, but I have a hard time doing that knowing how it could make my ex feel.

The trickiest part is our friend will talk to me once a week at least and sometimes ask me if I've been on any dates and such. Normally this is fine chatter, but I'm not comfortable sharing this type of gossip with my ex's best friend given what may get back to her or what type of angle the info may be used in (like I said, this friend isn't exactly on our side for being an actual couple). And yes, I know, this is why people should not sh|t where they eat in their friend groups and such, but here we are!

I have a good idea of how I will approach that conversation but has anyone here been in a similar situation where they didn't feel comfortable sharing personal gossip on dating life with a close friend because of how it can get back to their ex? I know I'm free to do as I please but in a typical break up I wouldn't have these friend group connections, and I’ve always preferred that sort of information not to travel back and forth either way (i.e. I don't want her to hear any of my personal dating details nor if she ends up doing so, which would hurt more than the break up itself).

Edited September 23 by Dash23

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Dash23 said:

Normally this is fine chatter, but I'm not comfortable sharing this type of gossip with my ex's best friend given what may get back to her or what type of angle the info may be used in (like I said, this friend isn't exactly on our side for being an actual couple)

I'm not sure this person is a real friend to you anyway, OP.

She sounds...meddling. Even before you mentioned it, I wondered if you had more personal history with her than just friendship as she seems to have a bit of an agenda in keeping you from and her best friend apart. 

Since what was done can't be undone, I would be clear with her that you don't want to discuss your love life with her. She is not going to like that, but tough. She has showed you that she doesn't really have your best interests at heart and I would not trust her to not go dancing off to her best friend and  blab all about it. It's up to you to draw a boundary here. 

And also, I would work on fostering other friendships. This mutual friend doesn't sound  like someone I would want to be too close to. 

[glows]

Oh my god I used to know a guy like you and I blocked him everywhere and he (not you) kept coming back like an entitled venereal disease. Don’t be like him. There are poor boundaries every which way in this so called friend group. This meddling friend you slept with/have a not so platonic history with who keeps asking completely inappropriate questions about your dating and love life. The married people pleaser ex who doesn’t want you but doesn’t want to hear about your future partners. Why are you getting caught up with such poor quality people who have no respect for you? 

You deserve way more than this. Truly scraping the bottom of the barrel here but until you see it for yourself and actually remove yourself from this bizarre inappropriate throuple situation you will always believe and feel this is all you deserve and want. Please don’t settle for such garbage. Shut the door, stop making excuses for others’ poor decisions and move forward with a fresh start.

 

[Sanch62]

I don't know if you've been through divorce, but a person can spend months or years separated and believe that they've stabilized solo, only for the legalities of finalizing the divorce to stir up an emotionally crazy-making time in their lives.

But this woman has never even taken the time to stabilize solo. She's leapfrogged from her ex-husband to a rebound partner to an attempt at another rebound with you.

Your involvement positions you badly. Divorces with children are a guilt trip on parents because the security rug of their kids' entire world as they knew it was pulled from under them. Especially when one parent prematurely takes up with a new lover who superimposes their presence on those kids. Yet despite her children's father's lack of insight, this woman has never taken HER time to stabilize solo into a consistent and secure relationship that prioritizes her children. She keeps inserting other men as her focus, while her awareness of this is screaming at her to stop--recalibrate, and prioritize her children's needs.

This has zero to do with her child or parents encouraging you, which confuses a desire for this woman's immediate happiness with the stability they all need in their lives. These are lay people, not trained people. It makes no sense to put such a burden of approval onto a kid who's only operating without a rudder on her mother's behalf.

Your best position is to disassociate yourself from this chaos. Otherwise, you'll remain associated with the guilt and turmoil that comes with it, no matter what you say or do. And that will erode even your best attempts to compensate for having no business inserting yourself prematurely into this family's time of upheaval. I don't mean that disrespectfully, just practically and realistically in YOUR best interests.

As for the mutual friend, I'd tell her if anything happens with your love life that you feel worthy of sharing, you'll do so. Repeat as necessary, and don't resume the intimate confidences you enjoyed with this person, even though it was platonic. She's an ex-lover. Whether your next relationship involves a stranger or this rebounder, it is no longer that friend's business. Making it so will cause potential harm to any new relationship, because no self-respecting woman wants to involve herself with someone still involved with an ex-lover. Consider her an acquaintance, and treat her respectfully as such.

Edited September 24 by Sanch62