Husband and female friend in love

[WilsonsGirl]

I am new to this board and I'm coming here for advice during one of the most emotionally painful times in my life. My husband had been hiding a female friend from me that he had had basically our entire relationship and marriage. He introduced me to her 2 years ago and she and him explained that it was strictly platonic and they had been friends for a long time. I was obviously very skeptical and didn't feel good about their closeness. But, despite my feelings, I tried very hard to become comfortable with this and initially actually liked this female friend a lot. I almost got to the point where I trusted her. I got really scared though when they both thought it was appropriate to go in on the purchase of a truck together without even asking me how I feel. It seems like they both thought that now that I knew about their friendship that everything was okie dokie and they could just continue being what they had always been. Long story short I couldn't continue the friendship with this female. And I did tell my husband that I wasn't comfortable with his friendship with her either and didn't really feel like it was platonic. I just had a very deep-seated intuition about it. And my intuition is rarely ever wrong. Fast forward 2 years, my husband comes to me crying saying he's so sorry for putting me through all of this, like being friends with this woman despite my distress for 2 years. However, he then finds out that she is breaking it off with him because she is not willing to be just friends with him if she cannot have him fully. She is in love with him and knows that he is not going to leave me, so she is breaking off the friendship. He has been crying and in a deep depression for 2 weeks now. I feel incredibly hurt and don't understand how he could be so upset over this  friend cutting it off with him. He admitted that he loves her and she loves him but it's not the same love he has for me, and that he would be much more devastated if he lost me than her. I'm finding this hard to believe however. I feel like he knows that I don't want to go through a divorce, and that I am much more invested in our relationship than she is. So I feel like he isn't really scared about losing me. This is by the way his second marriage and my first I believe in marriage as a lifelong commitment with the person that you got married to assuming there's no abuse or infidelity. The problem is that I feel certain that he was having an emotional affair with this woman basically our entire relationship and it turned into more than that. I am absolutely broken hearted and the worst part is that he is not willing to choose me over her. Like he wants to have both of us in his life. I am speechless. I have a lot of trauma in the past of never being good enough and always seeming to be second place to other women in relationships I've had. This also started in middle school with being bullied by other girls, specifically girls that I thought were my friends. So now this is seeming to only confirm that trauma that I have had my entire life with other females taking what I want and should be mine. I am hurting so badly and just wanting to understand what my husband is thinking. I don't really want advice on just divorcing him. I'm looking for maybe advice from anyone else that has been in this situation and has come out of it without divorce. I know that my prior trauma is clouding this and is screaming at me that I just want to be chosen, I just want to be good enough, I want to be finally the one the only one somebody wants. Which I thought I was for basically our entire marriage until 2 weeks ago. This is not about looks. I am a model and I'm not trying to be superficial but she is nowhere near what I look like. She has two sons from her previous two marriages. I don't have any kids but raised my husband's daughter as my own since she was 5 and we are both very close. I am devastated at all of this.  we have been married for 10 years and together for 18. We own a home together. My parents actually helped us with the initial loan on the home, and we've been paying them back ever since. I do not make near as much money as my husband does, and I think that causes resentment on his part. I do however take care of the home, cook and clean, and do my absolute best to make up for what I don't earn in money in the best ways I can. I do take care of some of the bills myself. But it never seems to be enough for him, and I do feel shame for that. This other woman makes quite a bit of money. And I feel like if I were to make that amount of money, somehow this wouldn't be an issue. I know that I shouldn't base my worth on how much money I make, I have a problem with self worth. Both my husband and I are also on disability for mental illnesses. Mine is bipolar II (not manic, mostly extreme depression), PTSD, anxiety, ADHD. His is from ocd, tourette's disorder, PTSD, and very complex childhood trauma also related to being raised as a Jehovah's witness. If anyone has an experience anywhere near this, I would greatly appreciate some advice. Thank you very much in advance.

[MsJayne]

Wow, that’s a lot. He definitely shouldn’t have been ‘hiding’ her, that’s just all sorts of wrong. Going into business with her re; buying a truck, I guess if it’s his business it’s up to him but something about not discussing things like that with you, his wife, seems off. As for her “breaking it off with him”, um, what? Who the Hell does this woman think she is? How dare she make demands, and how dare he make her so important?! He’s making you feel second best, are you prepared to put up with that garbage? In your shoes I’d be on to a divorce lawyer at the speed of light. He sounds like an entitled a**hole who deserves a financial reaming. As for her, hopefully she rolls her truck off a cliff. 

[WilsonsGirl]

Sorry if this is not in the right place to reply to your comment LOL I am brand new to this forum. Thank you very much for your reply. I know I wrote a lot, it's just there is so much to be said for the situation and the emotional complexity that it involves. I completely agree with you on everything. And I find it appalling also that she feels the right to cut off any relationship with my husband. Then again, the depth of their relationship is something that has continued to be relayed to me by my husband over time. The more I know, the more it hurts. He doesn't seem to understand how he is splitting his emotions between me and this best friend of his. He says that she was able to give him an ear to speak to about things he didn't feel he could talk to me about without me judging him. A couple of these things I know of are financial and also sexual. When he would talk to me about financial things, it always felt like he was blaming me and acting as though I wasn't doing my best to make enough money to satisfy whatever level he had made for me. As for the sexual conversations with her, apparently because I am not open to many of the things he wants to do, he feels like I am judging him if he speaks about them to me. From my standpoint, I feel pressured by him to carry these things out despite my feeling uncomfortable simply because he opened up about them to me. How can we communicate about these topics without feelings of expectations? Is it me? Should I not see his opening up to me about these as a demand to comply with his wants and needs? How can I explain this to him without him getting defensive? And also, I'm confused on how he's able to talk with her about these things and get the emotional validation he needs? Without her having the ability to fulfill is wants or needs for him? I've told him that I definitely feel like I am second place in all of this. Both he and she ultimately would have wanted a three-way romantic relationship with all of us. She is bisexual. I am not. Nor am I interested at all in sharing my husband with any other female. Seeing as though she couldn't have that three-way relationship, it seems that she simply focused on getting him. And since she realized he wasn't going to leave me., she broke off the friendship completely with him. I just have having a hard time with the amount of depression and sadness he's having over her and not my complete heartbreak over the love that they had for each other, which I feel should be for me and not her. I know that I'm not perfect in any sense, but I purposely didn't reach out or seek any friendships with men from the beginning because I know how they can mess with feelings in a marriage. I thought my spouse was on the same page with me. I feel like he wasn't protecting our marriage while I was and prioritizing it.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  It's good that she's breaking off the friendship but sucks that he's so involved with her that he is mourning the loss of her friendship.  I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about his sadness in losing her.  He can't help how he feels so it's going to take time for him to heal and get over her.  I personally couldn't stand by and watch my husband mourn the loss of another woman.  You said you think he resents you because you don't make much money.  Are you in the process of trying to get a better job that will pay you more?  Having a better paying job will raise your self-esteem and put you in a position of independence which is attractive.  That's probably what he likes about her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think these two have been having an affair for years and tried you throw you off their scent by prentending they were just "good friends."

She got fed up when he woulnd't leave you for her, and dumped him. I don't buy for a moment that this was only friendship. I think he is in love with her and has been having his cake and eating it too - for ages. She got tired of it. 

I hope you will see the reality of this soon. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[Acacia98]

OP,

You don't have to compare yourself to her. Your husband isn't cheating on you because you are somehow flawed. He's cheating on you because of something within him that believes that living a double life and being deceptive are preferable to being courageous about who he is and what he wants. I think that this is at least partly related to the religious abuse he experienced. He hasn't really dealt with the aftermath of that abuse in his life, has he? Even his apparent attitude regarding your financial contribution to the marriage has a ring of that judgmental attitude that one might associate with a religion that teaches that some are chosen while others are just not good enough. I don't think the man was ready for marriage to anyone

Anyway, those are your husband's issues. You can't fix them for him, nor should they be your priority. Your priority should be understanding your own issues and addressing them so that you can be the best person that you can be. I think part of that entails asking yourself why you don't think you're good enough to deserve an out from what is obviously a deceitful marriage with a man who does not care about your emotional health and well-being and takes your valuable contributions for granted. The fact that he thinks it's appropriate for him to come crying to you about his heartbreak as if you're his mother and you're supposed to comfort him makes me angry on your behalf. The man is ridiculously self-centered. In all sincerity, do you think it's possible to salvage a relationship with someone who behaves this way?

I must say this: I admire your awareness of your intuitive abilities and the fact that you don't doubt them. I also admire your strong sense of self-awareness and understanding of what you want out of your marriage. It saddens me to see what you're going through at your husband's hands. But getting a sense of how you view yourself, him and the situation gives me hope. It seems to me that you have already done some work on yourself. I hope you will take advantage of whatever resources you have access to to get some counselling or, if that's not possible, to continue doing the self-work that will help you appreciate and value yourself like you deserve.

I haven't been through what you've been through. I have never been married. But I have been cheated on, and I have struggled with low self-esteem.

I think you should separate and get a divorce. But my opinion is irrelevant. I think that your opinion is what counts. And I think you will be in a position to make the right decision for yourself if you first learn to value yourself and to believe that you truly deserve better.

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, WilsonsGirl said:

Is it me?

No, it is most certainly not you. You're being set up to feel like you're in competition with this woman, and what he's doing to you is so far out of line, so disgustingly manipulative, you must be living with constant feelings of conflict within yourself. You've probably been living with high stress for so long it's become normalised to you. 

11 hours ago, WilsonsGirl said:

Both he and she ultimately would have wanted a three-way romantic relationship with all of us. She is bisexual. I am not.

 She's also a predatory, sly, wannabe homewrecker. That's why he felt comfortable discussing his secret sexual desires with her, they're birds of a feather. I'd lay a decent bet that he's been telling her for years that he'd talk you into being a throuple eventually, and because you've stood by your beliefs he's then had to tell her he's staying with you, (his daughter's a consideration in this decision, people like him don't want to look bad to those they present a false image to), and that would be when she told him it's over. I wouldn't believe for a moment that there's been no physical relationship between them. I think the best thing you could do is find a good counsellor to talk to about all of this, you must have so much bottled up inside you after years of tolerating what is actually severe emotional abuse and you need some proper support while you go through some hard decision-making. Do you have any contact with his first wife? I imagine she'd have a story to tell that would differ greatly from his version of what went wrong in their marriage. Sending you a hug because you must feel quite alone. 

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, WilsonsGirl said:

I don't really want advice on just divorcing him.

I’m sorry, but I think that is the best advice anyone can give you right now.

What happened wasn’t your fault. It was your husband’s fault. He is the one who’s been having an emotional (and maybe also physical) affair for years. He is the one who allowed a woman who clearly wanted him for herself to have unlimited access to him and to do everything to undermine your relationship. He is the one who talks rubbish about how he can love two different women and who is devastated by the fact that he has to break up with what he deceptively describes as a “friend”.

It’s not you, it’s him. Dump him and find a man who will love and prioritize you. You will begin attracting such men when you get rid of your inferiority complex and guilt feelings and gain confidence and self-love.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but I think that is the best advice anyone can give you right now.

I thnk so, too. 

I can't in good faith recommend anything except for getitng  out of this messy farce of a marriage.