It's freaking me out how hard it is to make friends!

[mario_C]

Despite being 56, I still go out to things like trivia nights and live bands, and I have a pretty public facing job. No luck. Not even dating, just having a conversation with someone about anything meaningful. I'm starting to think it's impossible - that everyone would rather isolate with people they know from the before times and never associate with anyone new ever again.

Maybe I have a face people don't trust? I'm pretty masculine and that's considered threatening, which I get ... how do I get past that?

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're having trouble making new friends.   However I think you misunderstand the actions of others:  We are not isolating with our friends, we are focussing on them.  Most of us go out with our friends in order to have a good time with them.   Sure, I could have a chat with someone while I'm queuing for a drink, but then I go back to my friends.

I am curious as to what you mean by being "pretty masculine" and how this is considered threatening.   Can you describe more?   To me, all men are masculine looking unless they are wearing a feminine skirt,  and the only time I'd be threatened would be if he looked like a thug, perhaps with tattoos on hands and face.  

You mention that you go to trivia nights. I assume you mean you are part of a team.  Have you ever suggested going out for dinner?  

Have you tried using "MeetUp" as a way to meet new people?  

[mario_C]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're having trouble making new friends.   However I think you misunderstand the actions of others:  We are not isolating with our friends, we are focussing on them.  Most of us go out with our friends in order to have a good time with them.   Sure, I could have a chat with someone while I'm queuing for a drink, but then I go back to my friends.

I am curious as to what you mean by being "pretty masculine" and how this is considered threatening.   Can you describe more?   To me, all men are masculine looking unless they are wearing a feminine skirt,  and the only time I'd be threatened would be if he looked like a thug, perhaps with tattoos on hands and face.  

You mention that you go to trivia nights. I assume you mean you are part of a team.  Have you ever suggested going out for dinner?  

Have you tried using "MeetUp" as a way to meet new people?  

Well, I appreciate the reply...I guess you could describe me as having "Resting Trump supporter face". When I'm very much not. I'm not sure how to work with or around that.

I play alone, but I go to one where we are encouraged to pair up with other players who are alone. That's once a month.

The issue with Meetup is: if you clean up properly and can make pleasant conversation, they'll never be able to kick you out, but they don't really want you there. There's got to be a reason I never get invited to the private activities these groups do outside of Meetup (obviously I'm not referring to professional mixers, which are their own set of problems).

So...sigh. Music events are better, people become sociable when you play an open jam or something.

[Acacia98]

You're right. It is hard to make friends. I spent much of my adulthood outside my home country. So the friends and acquaintances I made over the years live in other countries today. We can't get together for a bit of fun over the weekend. We can't do the usual social things that friends do. And, ever since I returned home, I have struggled to meet and make new friends. My old friendships (from childhood) are not really an option either. We've mostly outgrown each other. So I can relate to your struggles. And I'm not a man.

It's hard to break into existing friend groups. People are comfortable with the people they know and love and prefer to focus on them. Adulthood being what it is, they don't necessarily have the extra time or energy to get used to new people.

So I'm not really proposing solutions. Just letting you know that you're not alone. You can keep trying to socialize, but be more relaxed about it because the challenges you're experiencing are not your fault. I'm guessing there's someone out there who's going through the same as you and you may eventually bump into each other.