My family don’t approve of me marrying my LDR girlfriend.

[Bobajob]

I met my Filipino girlfriend back in October 2022 on an online dating site and have visited her twice for three weeks at a time both last year and this year. We frequently video chat and watch movies together on our days off. We got engaged this year and plan to marry next year however my parents and my sister don’t approve of our marriage and have called me things like ‘mug’ and ‘stupid’.

She is registered as a dietitian here in the UK but has been struggling to find work for the past three years that offers sponsorship despite applying for countless jobs as a dietitian and a healthcare assistant. This is due to a change in immigration policy and in particular the rules regarding the Health and Care worker visa within the UK meaning that both the NHS and private companies have either stopped recruiting or significantly reduced recruitment from overseas at present.

The original plan was for her to get a job here and then we would get married once she was here which at the beginning of our relationship may have been possible but things in the UK in relation to immigration and worker visas changed shortly after that. Therefore due to this I can’t see her getting a job here anytime soon. So this has left a situation of us being stuck been a rock and a hard place in that we either break up as we’re not going to be together soon or carry on our relationship and naturally progress it to the next stage and go down the family visa route instead.

I often hear the argument from both my sister and others that LDRs aren’t real relationships and also things like ‘you’ve only seen her in person for six weeks which isn’t long enough to get to know someone’. My sister thinks she is with me just to get into the country and is using me for a visa. I’m sure many on here have heard similar and can understand my frustration and general hatred of people who make such comments and assertions.  

My parents haven’t met her and due to their health won’t be able to make it to the Philippines for the wedding and my sister won’t be coming as she has made her feelings very clear by saying racist slurs such as ‘Paki’ and saying the only reason her skin is that colour is because she is filthy and wipes her bottom with her hand. She even said this to her kids (my niece and nephew). She has said that I will not see them all the time I’m involved with her. I tried to correct her on the fact that she is SE Asian not Pakistani and that they use a tabo not their hand but she was having none of it. It’s very much her way or the highway. She's one of those people who you can’t win against. I can’t believe how racist she is especially considering she works in healthcare with plenty of foreign colleagues and patients.

My sister has been very anti my relationship from the start and wonders why I haven’t told her a lot about her and why she's the last to hear about things. Well it’s because I know that if I mention the slightest thing it will be met with a barrage of racial abuse and usual responses such as she’s just after your money and she’s using you for a visa. My sister is currently going through a divorce and I wonder if this is making her worse than ever.

My parents have commented that it’s not normal to marry someone and then live thousands of miles apart and that they are worried that I spend too much time watching movies with her and on my phone with her and not on other stuff. I slightly agree with them but it’s a bit difficult not to use a phone when you’re in an LDR.

It hurts that my parents won’t be able to make it to the wedding but if I stick to the original plan of getting married when she's here who's to say they’ll still be alive by then. Whereas this plan could open the door to a small ceremony when she gets here that they can attend.

It feels like I'm stuck in the middle in that if I go against them they will be very disappointed and may even cut ties with me but on the other side you’ve got her and what could be a wonderful relationship with the potential to close the distance.

Any advice gratefully received.   

[Gebidozo]

To be clear, of course your sister’s way of expressing her disapproval is hurtful and outrageous.

That doesn’t mean, however, that the general gist of what she’s saying is wrong.

At the risk of further upsetting you, I’ll be very blunt: I think that what you’re planning to do is sheer madness.

LDRs can be real relationships only if they occur in the middle of a normal relationship that has stood the test of time (say, people live together for 5 years, then apart for 2 years, then together again). Seeing someone in person for only 6 weeks isn’t enough to start making any commitments to that person, to say nothing of a life-altering move such as marriage.

Your sister’s racism is appalling, but relationships between people of different cultures are tricky. Irreconcilable  cultural differences have undermined many relationships. I’m a Western man living in an Asian country for 20 years, so please believe me when I say it is true.

Please don’t get married until you and your girlfriend have found a way to live in the same city, date regularly, get to know each other, try to live together, get to know each other even more. 

 

[MsJayne]

Your sister's way out of line, but in her own twisted way she's expressing her concern that you're making a serious mistake. May I ask if you're familiar with the culture of many SE Asian countries where, as a comparatively well-off Westerner, you may be expected to make regular financial contributions to your partner's family in the Philippines? It's absolutely true that many women from those parts of the world are willing to marry pretty much anyone who can get them residency in a Western country and/or provide them with a good lifestyle in their own country, I could tell you at least two horror stories, but at the same time I could tell you of successful and happy unions between Filipino ladies and Australian men. If you're within the same age group as your girlfriend, and she can speak English well and is educated and willing to work, you have as good an outlook as you would with a girl from your own culture and country, but if there's an age difference between you, or if you're looking for an Asian wife because you think they're subservient, be careful what you wish for. I'll tell you of someone I know very well who married a Filipino woman. He went to her country to meet her, and they got along well, so he invited her to come to Australia for three months on a tourist visa, and she accepted the gift of an all-expenses paid holiday, (this made her think he was wealthy). He was a young-looking 60 years old and she was 41. When her visa expired she flew home to the Philippines and about two weeks later told him over the 'phone that she was pregnant. He decided to do the 'right thing' and flew to the Philippines and married her. He stayed there for a couple of months, chipped in a significant amount for her family to build a decent house on land that they owned, and paid for her to give birth in a good hospital. Shortly after that he brought her back to Australia to live. The marriage lasted three years. Once she realised that he only rented his home and wasn't well off she began to resent him. As soon as she gained residency and started earning money she was sending the majority of it home to her family. The marriage turned super nasty and they separated, and for the past 9 years she's used their son to make his life Hell. When he first told me about going to the Philippines to meet this woman I had my reservations because of all the bad stories I'd heard, (and seen a couple first-hand), but it wasn't my job to voice my concerns. As I said, I also know of happily married couples where the wife is Filipino, there are several of them on the island where I live. The way your sister's carrying on is all sorts of wrong, but regardless of her awful attitude she knows you well, and her perception of the situation may not be too far off reality. You need to get to know your partner much, much better before taking the giant step of marriage. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your sister's behaviour is appalling, and I am sorry she is subjecting you to it. There is no excuse or justifcation for her racism. 

However, your family isn't wrong to be concerned. I would be very worried too if my brother planned to marry someone he'd spent a grand total of 6 weeks with, especially with all the logistical complications involved. 

I would urge you to speak a gpod immigration lawyer so you can be fully informed about what this whole process entails, and what legal or financial obligations or responsibilities you might bear if you bring her to your country and the marriage falls apart. The sponsoring partner is often the one who assumes the risk. Do not make any legal commitment to her until you are completely informed about this. 

[Els]

15 hours ago, Bobajob said:

my sister won’t be coming as she has made her feelings very clear by saying racist slurs such as ‘Paki’ and saying the only reason her skin is that colour is because she is filthy and wipes her bottom with her hand.

Jesus, your sister is disgusting.

Anyway, I think you're right in that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. My main concern, besides you only having met her for a few weeks, is that you met her on an online dating site.

Now, think about it: Who on earth would sign up to an online dating site and message men who live on the other side of the world? That person is likely to have an ulterior motive IMO. If you two had met while she was in the UK before she had to leave, and spent at least several months together in person, then that wouldn't be quite so risky.

That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say that she's "using" you, but rather that you might end up in a marriage that is based on practical reasons and not love. If this risk is OK with you, then hey, you're both adults and you should do as you feel best.

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

May I ask if you're familiar with the culture of many SE Asian countries where, as a comparatively well-off Westerner, you may be expected to make regular financial contributions to your partner's family in the Philippines?

but if there's an age difference between you, or if you're looking for an Asian wife because you think they're subservient, be careful what you wish for.

Asian here, this is correct. Despite some very prevalent misconceptions among Westerners, many traditional Asian cultures are actually quite matriarchal (i.e. your mother-in-law is Queen), and expectations of a son-in-law can be extreme. Sometimes the son-in-law is expected to financially provide for the parents (regardless of what country he is from). Have you at least met her family when you were there?

Edited Thursday at 03:20 PM by Els

[Carlston]

If you go through with it you are making the biggest mistake of your life.

 

[Bobajob]

Thank you for your replies. Having had time to rethink this situation I can't help but think that maybe I was rushing into marriage with this woman too soon. I tend to agree that six weeks is far too short a time and that there needs to be a lot more time before committing to marriage.

I am also concerned that by getting married next year I would be putting myself in a bad financial position at a time when I need to be saving for a new car as mine is getting old and due to my line of work in the community I can't be without a car for long.

I wondered if I could get people's thoughts on a possible plan I have been thinking about. The plan would be that instead of me going to visit her next year she comes and stays with me in the UK. I haven't decided whether it would be for the four weeks as I was planning on going there or a different time. She thinks she can get three months off but I would have to work during some of this time so she would be on her own. I work three days a week for 12 hours and have four days off so it's not too bad. We would go see her brother in London and visit my parents regularly as they live 15 minutes away. My hope with this plan is that it would give my parents time to get to know her instead of her being a stranger on the other side of the world and put their minds at rest and would give us time to see if we could cope with living in the same house together. 

 

All thoughts and opinions welcome. 

[Els]

44 minutes ago, Bobajob said:

wondered if I could get people's thoughts on a possible plan I have been thinking about. The plan would be that instead of me going to visit her next year she comes and stays with me in the UK. I haven't decided whether it would be for the four weeks as I was planning on going there or a different time. She thinks she can get three months off but I would have to work during some of this time so she would be on her own. I work three days a week for 12 hours and have four days off so it's not too bad. We would go see her brother in London and visit my parents regularly as they live 15 minutes away. My hope with this plan is that it would give my parents time to get to know her instead of her being a stranger on the other side of the world and put their minds at rest and would give us time to see if we could cope with living in the same house together. 

It's not a bad plan if you're willing to support her for the 3 months, since she can't work on a tourist visa. Just be aware of the laws re: adding people to your lease and de facto relationships.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Bobajob said:

She thinks she can get three months off but I would have to work during some of this time so she would be on her own. I work three days a week for 12 hours and have four days off so it's not too bad. We would go see her brother in London and visit my parents regularly as they live 15 minutes away. My hope with this plan is that it would give my parents time to get to know her instead of her being a stranger on the other side of the world and put their minds at rest and would give us time to see if we could cope with living in the same house together. 

This is a much more realistic plan. It would be a combination of time together, (long enough for any personality clashes to surface), plus the reality of you working and being the main provider, and the opportunity for your family to meet her and perceive her as a person rather than as a potential scammer from the other side of the world. You didn't mention earlier that she has a brother living in London, is he her actual brother or a friend of her family who she refers to as a brother? 

[Bobajob]

21 hours ago, MsJayne said:

This is a much more realistic plan. It would be a combination of time together, (long enough for any personality clashes to surface), plus the reality of you working and being the main provider, and the opportunity for your family to meet her and perceive her as a person rather than as a potential scammer from the other side of the world. You didn't mention earlier that she has a brother living in London, is he her actual brother or a friend of her family who she refers to as a brother? 

He is her actual brother.