Is any attraction to another person "bad"?

[OmoiYari]

Hi all,

Not sure I've chosen the right title for this post.

I've been reading a lot of (negative) comments on "cheaters", considered as manipulative, dishonest and much worse. And for sure many are all those things, probably not just in their sentimental relationship, but in all.

I've never betrayed. I love my hubby and have no plans of leaving him, but for the first time in my life I feel an attraction for this other man that completely...(can't even describe it properly) turns everything upside down and makes me wonder if I'd lose an incredible experience on multiple levels, which would start from the physical one and reach all the possible other ones.

This attraction has such a power on me that I've been avoiding him to gain back some peace of mind, some perspective.

Just looking into his eyes was like both time traveling and exploring the most exotic place.

In this instance and not for the sake of bringing thrill to one's life (as many bored couples do), how should one behave? 

Turn off all those feelings or accept the fact that such kind of attraction is not unhealthy and not to be "silenced"?

In the meanwhile I understand with your help, I keep avoiding him..

Thanks for your help

[Gebidozo]

About five years ago, I was in the seventh year of a relationship when I met a woman for whom I felt something that you’ve described so well:

3 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

completely...(can't even describe it properly) turns everything upside down and makes me wonder if I'd lose an incredible experience on multiple levels, which would start from the physical one and reach all the possible other ones.

At the time, I was convinced that my moral duty was to stay with my then-partner. So I cut off all contact with the other woman and tried to focus on the long-term relationship I was having then. Nothing worked, it deteriorated quickly (there were many factors that ruined it), and about a year later my then-partner broke up with me.

I sought out the other woman, and we both discovered we still had feelings for each other. We’ve been together for almost three years now.

Based on what I’ve experienced in my life, I arrived at the following opinion.

There is attraction and there is attraction. It’s one thing to consider another person sexy and hot or generally attractive and to casually wonder what would happen if you were single. This is normal, and I wouldn’t even classify it as a real attraction. It’s just, so to say, a bud of potential desire that’s easy to nip with a bit of concentration and a few reminders. Or, you could say that it’s a tiny flame that will extinguish on its own if you don’t stoke it. When that happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong in your relationship. There is no need to ruin it to pursue something like that.

However, something of the magnitude that you’ve described feels like a very different thing altogether. If this new passion of yours has stood the test of time, if it hasn’t diminished even though you’ve done everything you could to not artificially inflame it and arrived at the firm conclusion that it was real - then things cannot be possible truly fine between you and your husband.

I think your first task should be try and figure out what has been happening in your relationship that made it possible for you to fall so strongly and seriously for another person. This kind of thing feels like it comes out of nowhere, but it doesn’t. There are always internal reasons, cracks in the relationship that people are simply not aware of. You’ll see a much clearer picture once you get to the bottom of what exactly happened that made you fall for another man, and it’ll be easier for you to make the right decision.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

In this instance and not for the sake of bringing thrill to one's life (as many bored couples do), how should one behave? 

Turn off all those feelings or accept the fact that such kind of attraction is not unhealthy and not to be "silenced"?

Feelings are not lightswitches that we turn on and off. We can't always control them. Just because we are with someone and devoted to them, doesn't mean we stop being human and stop having feelings for others. We can still be attracted to others - be it physically or emotionally. We can be attracted to personalities and characteristics. We can even indulge in a fantasy in our minds, wonder what it would be like in another universe where things were different. It doesn't have to be unhealthy or something wrong inside of us. It doesn't make us a bad person.

The important thing is to separate fantasy from reality. It is knowing where the line is and not crossing it. Noticing someone and having a thought, a passing interest, isn't a crime. It's not cheating. It becomes a problem when you start to do things with the person that you feel ashamed to talk about or need to lie to cover up. At that point it is best to take a step back and not put yourself in a position where things could go further. 

The real issue is the relationship you are in. Are you happy and satified in that? If you are, they focus on it. Embrace it and remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have with him, the times you have shared. Take time to keep that spark going and savor it. If you aren't, then figure out what is missing. Talk to each other and light the spark again.

8 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I've been reading a lot of (negative) comments on "cheaters", considered as manipulative, dishonest and much worse. And for sure many are all those things, probably not just in their sentimental relationship, but in all.

Most people will make cheating a black and white issue. It is clearly wrong and anyone who does it is a monster that can't be forgiven. And for sure, it's not a good thing and the people who do it can be monsters. But there can also be shades of gray. There can be nuances that make it more understandable. And couples can recover.

My mother met a guy online and started what could be considered an emotional affair. For most they would see it as cheating and blame her when she asked for a divorce. But if you considered my father was an alcoholic who spent more time getting drunk at bars or passed out in bed then showing her affection, things look different. Her action was trying to reach out for comfort when she felt alone and the relationship was more about finding the strength to push her into getting out of something that was making her unhappy. 

I knew another couple where they felt like something was missing in the marriage. So they mutually agreed to an open relationship. She had something with another guy, though there was no intercourse involved (other physically intimate acts were). Ultimately that relationship ended and she stayed married to her husband. For some that would be cheating and wrong. For them, they were okay and managed to stay together.

I say this to show that there are many different circumstances and many beliefs on what is okay. The important thing is that you do what you feel is right and what honors your particular relationship. Don't do something that would hurt your partner, and ultimately be more harmful for you. What other people think about cheaters or the situation will be based on their personal feelings and history. That might not be what is right for you. What you need to do is focus on your relationship and figure out what is happening there. Figure out what the line is for the two of you.

I hope you can work things out.

[OmoiYari]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

About five years ago, I was in the seventh year of a relationship when I met a woman for whom I felt something that you’ve described so well:

At the time, I was convinced that my moral duty was to stay with my then-partner. So I cut off all contact with the other woman and tried to focus on the long-term relationship I was having then. Nothing worked, it deteriorated quickly (there were many factors that ruined it), and about a year later my then-partner broke up with me.

I sought out the other woman, and we both discovered we still had feelings for each other. We’ve been together for almost three years now.

Based on what I’ve experienced in my life, I arrived at the following opinion.

There is attraction and there is attraction. It’s one thing to consider another person sexy and hot or generally attractive and to casually wonder what would happen if you were single. This is normal, and I wouldn’t even classify it as a real attraction. It’s just, so to say, a bud of potential desire that’s easy to nip with a bit of concentration and a few reminders. Or, you could say that it’s a tiny flame that will extinguish on its own if you don’t stoke it. When that happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong in your relationship. There is no need to ruin it to pursue something like that.

However, something of the magnitude that you’ve described feels like a very different thing altogether. If this new passion of yours has stood the test of time, if it hasn’t diminished even though you’ve done everything you could to not artificially inflame it and arrived at the firm conclusion that it was real - then things cannot be possible truly fine between you and your husband.

I think your first task should be try and figure out what has been happening in your relationship that made it possible for you to fall so strongly and seriously for another person. This kind of thing feels like it comes out of nowhere, but it doesn’t. There are always internal reasons, cracks in the relationship that people are simply not aware of. You’ll see a much clearer picture once you get to the bottom of what exactly happened that made you fall for another man, and it’ll be easier for you to make the right decision.

 

 

 

Dear Gebidozo 

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.

I'd like to learn more from it.

I can't contact you with a PM, as I'm a new member.

Can you do it?

Cheers,

O

[OmoiYari]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Feelings are not lightswitches that we turn on and off. We can't always control them. Just because we are with someone and devoted to them, doesn't mean we stop being human and stop having feelings for others. We can still be attracted to others - be it physically or emotionally. We can be attracted to personalities and characteristics. We can even indulge in a fantasy in our minds, wonder what it would be like in another universe where things were different. It doesn't have to be unhealthy or something wrong inside of us. It doesn't make us a bad person.

The important thing is to separate fantasy from reality. It is knowing where the line is and not crossing it. Noticing someone and having a thought, a passing interest, isn't a crime. It's not cheating. It becomes a problem when you start to do things with the person that you feel ashamed to talk about or need to lie to cover up. At that point it is best to take a step back and not put yourself in a position where things could go further. 

The real issue is the relationship you are in. Are you happy and satified in that? If you are, they focus on it. Embrace it and remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have with him, the times you have shared. Take time to keep that spark going and savor it. If you aren't, then figure out what is missing. Talk to each other and light the spark again.

Most people will make cheating a black and white issue. It is clearly wrong and anyone who does it is a monster that can't be forgiven. And for sure, it's not a good thing and the people who do it can be monsters. But there can also be shades of gray. There can be nuances that make it more understandable. And couples can recover.

My mother met a guy online and started what could be considered an emotional affair. For most they would see it as cheating and blame her when she asked for a divorce. But if you considered my father was an alcoholic who spent more time getting drunk at bars or passed out in bed then showing her affection, things look different. Her action was trying to reach out for comfort when she felt alone and the relationship was more about finding the strength to push her into getting out of something that was making her unhappy. 

I knew another couple where they felt like something was missing in the marriage. So they mutually agreed to an open relationship. She had something with another guy, though there was no intercourse involved (other physically intimate acts were). Ultimately that relationship ended and she stayed married to her husband. For some that would be cheating and wrong. For them, they were okay and managed to stay together.

I say this to show that there are many different circumstances and many beliefs on what is okay. The important thing is that you do what you feel is right and what honors your particular relationship. Don't do something that would hurt your partner, and ultimately be more harmful for you. What other people think about cheaters or the situation will be based on their personal feelings and history. That might not be what is right for you. What you need to do is focus on your relationship and figure out what is happening there. Figure out what the line is for the two of you.

I hope you can work things out.

Hi ShySoul,

Thanks for your advice.

I don't want to cheat on my wonderful husband (I didn't do it in the past to other men who didn't deserve such honesty) and I even told him I need something we could not experience together until now, but of course he cannot agree on such solution.

In the meantime my thoughts about that other person just grow.Ayhe I should just get to know him for real and discover it was just all in my head.

Best,

O

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

Dear Gebidozo 

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.

I'd like to learn more from it.

I can't contact you with a PM, as I'm a new member.

Can you do it?

Cheers,

O

The website says you can’t receive messages!

Just ask me stuff here!

The people here know all my most sordid secrets

[Sony12]

Just because someone gets married doesn't mean they will stop being attracted to others. It's completely normal to have these feelings. The only thing that could be held against you is if your chose to act on those feelings on a physical or emotional level. It's not uncommon for married individuals to develop crushes outside of their marriage. Those are normal human feelings. That isn't cheating. Cheating only comes into play if those feelings get acted on.

Is your sex life with your hubby still good or has it become pretty stale? Are you still physically attracted to your husband?

Maybe you could try spicing up the sex life with your husband. There technically wouldn't be anything wrong with pretending you are having sex with your crush while you are having sex with your husband. Or doing some things to your husband that you fantasize about doing with/to your crush.

 

 

[OmoiYari]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The website says you can’t receive messages!

Just ask me stuff here!

The people here know all my most sordid secrets

Ok, I see. But they don't know about mine

Jokes aside, then can I ask you more about your story?

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

My plan for the time being until I get more emotional distance is to avoid him as much as possible.

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

Ok, I see. But they don't know about mine

Jokes aside, then can I ask you more about your story?

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

My plan for the time being until I get more emotional distance is to avoid him as much as possible.

Is this person someone you work with?

[OmoiYari]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Just because someone gets married doesn't mean they will stop being attracted to others. It's completely normal to have these feelings. The only thing that could be held against you is if your chose to act on those feelings on a physical or emotional level. It's not uncommon for married individuals to develop crushes outside of their marriage. Those are normal human feelings. That isn't cheating. Cheating only comes into play if those feelings get acted on.

Is your sex life with your hubby still good or has it become pretty stale? Are you still physically attracted to your husband?

Maybe you could try spicing up the sex life with your husband. There technically wouldn't be anything wrong with pretending you are having sex with your crush while you are having sex with your husband. Or doing some things to your husband that you fantasize about doing with/to your crush.

 

 

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already. 

I am very attracted to my husband although we go through some up and downs due to the fact we like different things and the routine of daily life plays a negative role. I love him so much I don't understand why there is space in my soul for another person.

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any? So I say to myself that love is not a one size fits all, it's not less love if certain aspects are not there or are not at their best. I love my husband for all his qualities and would never hurt him.

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

From the other side, although I'm not jealous of my husband (I used to be a lot, but now I even tell him he can flirt as much as he wants but under my nose, if it's just a game), sometimes I can't keep being jealous of this other man, thinking he might exchange looks as he does with me with other women.

So it's all messed up! All a complete chaos right now..

[OmoiYari]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Is this person someone you work with?

No, luckily not.

[OmoiYari]

2 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already. 

I am very attracted to my husband although we go through some up and downs due to the fact we like different things and the routine of daily life plays a negative role. I love him so much I don't understand why there is space in my soul for another person.

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any? So I say to myself that love is not a one size fits all, it's not less love if certain aspects are not there or are not at their best. I love my husband for all his qualities and would never hurt him.

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

From the other side, although I'm not jealous of my husband (I used to be a lot, but now I even tell him he can flirt as much as he wants but under my nose, if it's just a game), sometimes I can't keep being jealous of this other man, thinking he might exchange looks as he does with me with other women.

So it's all messed up! All a complete chaos right now..

NOT under my nose

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

The truth is, we did have an affair. We didn’t go all the way with sex, and I ended it after a few months, but we did confess our feelings to each other, arranged meetings, took walks together. We were both overwhelmed with guilt feelings, and eventually I cut off all contact with her.

I tried to forget her and I did everything I could to suppress the feelings I had for her. But then, over a year later, when my then-partner broke up with me and we reconnected, the feelings came back gushing.

In retrospect, I know now that if things had been really fine between me and my then-partner, I wouldn’t have fallen for another person like that.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

My point exactly. Big difference between just thinking someone is hot and feeling what you’re feeling

 

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already. 

It’s not cheating, but let’s put it like this: if I knew my partner was feeling like this about another man, I’d let her go immediately.

This is serious and of course it doesn’t happen in every relationship.

 

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any?

There are problems and there are problems. If whatever problems you’re having with your husband create a space in your soul that can be filled with such a strong feeling for another man, then these are very serious problems indeed.

 

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

It’s not about society, it’s about you. You are obviously distressed and shocked by the situation. You understand that loving one person and yet feeling so strongly about another is not a healthy or desirable  state of mind and soul

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you in personal contact with this other man? 

[OmoiYari]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The truth is, we did have an affair. We didn’t go all the way with sex, and I ended it after a few months, but we did confess our feelings to each other, arranged meetings, took walks together. We were both overwhelmed with guilt feelings, and eventually I cut off all contact with her.

I tried to forget her and I did everything I could to suppress the feelings I had for her. But then, over a year later, when my then-partner broke up with me and we reconnected, the feelings came back gushing.

In retrospect, I know now that if things had been really fine between me and my then-partner, I wouldn’t have fallen for another person like that.

Of course there is always something missing when something so strong arises.

Why you didn't cut it before anything could happen? Like even before speaking to her?