Is any attraction to another person "bad"?

July 29

Hi all,

Not sure I've chosen the right title for this post.

I've been reading a lot of (negative) comments on "cheaters", considered as manipulative, dishonest and much worse. And for sure many are all those things, probably not just in their sentimental relationship, but in all.

I've never betrayed. I love my hubby and have no plans of leaving him, but for the first time in my life I feel an attraction for this other man that completely...(can't even describe it properly) turns everything upside down and makes me wonder if I'd lose an incredible experience on multiple levels, which would start from the physical one and reach all the possible other ones.

This attraction has such a power on me that I've been avoiding him to gain back some peace of mind, some perspective.

Just looking into his eyes was like both time traveling and exploring the most exotic place.

In this instance and not for the sake of bringing thrill to one's life (as many bored couples do), how should one behave?

Turn off all those feelings or accept the fact that such kind of attraction is not unhealthy and not to be "silenced"?

In the meanwhile I understand with your help, I keep avoiding him..

Thanks for your help

July 30

About five years ago, I was in the seventh year of a relationship when I met a woman for whom I felt something that you’ve described so well:

3 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

completely...(can't even describe it properly) turns everything upside down and makes me wonder if I'd lose an incredible experience on multiple levels, which would start from the physical one and reach all the possible other ones.

At the time, I was convinced that my moral duty was to stay with my then-partner. So I cut off all contact with the other woman and tried to focus on the long-term relationship I was having then. Nothing worked, it deteriorated quickly (there were many factors that ruined it), and about a year later my then-partner broke up with me.

I sought out the other woman, and we both discovered we still had feelings for each other. We’ve been together for almost three years now.

Based on what I’ve experienced in my life, I arrived at the following opinion.

There is attraction and there is attraction. It’s one thing to consider another person sexy and hot or generally attractive and to casually wonder what would happen if you were single. This is normal, and I wouldn’t even classify it as a real attraction. It’s just, so to say, a bud of potential desire that’s easy to nip with a bit of concentration and a few reminders. Or, you could say that it’s a tiny flame that will extinguish on its own if you don’t stoke it. When that happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong in your relationship. There is no need to ruin it to pursue something like that.

However, something of the magnitude that you’ve described feels like a very different thing altogether. If this new passion of yours has stood the test of time, if it hasn’t diminished even though you’ve done everything you could to not artificially inflame it and arrived at the firm conclusion that it was real - then things cannot be possible truly fine between you and your husband.

I think your first task should be try and figure out what has been happening in your relationship that made it possible for you to fall so strongly and seriously for another person. This kind of thing feels like it comes out of nowhere, but it doesn’t. There are always internal reasons, cracks in the relationship that people are simply not aware of. You’ll see a much clearer picture once you get to the bottom of what exactly happened that made you fall for another man, and it’ll be easier for you to make the right decision.

July 30

7 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

In this instance and not for the sake of bringing thrill to one's life (as many bored couples do), how should one behave?

Turn off all those feelings or accept the fact that such kind of attraction is not unhealthy and not to be "silenced"?

Feelings are not lightswitches that we turn on and off. We can't always control them. Just because we are with someone and devoted to them, doesn't mean we stop being human and stop having feelings for others. We can still be attracted to others - be it physically or emotionally. We can be attracted to personalities and characteristics. We can even indulge in a fantasy in our minds, wonder what it would be like in another universe where things were different. It doesn't have to be unhealthy or something wrong inside of us. It doesn't make us a bad person.

The important thing is to separate fantasy from reality. It is knowing where the line is and not crossing it. Noticing someone and having a thought, a passing interest, isn't a crime. It's not cheating. It becomes a problem when you start to do things with the person that you feel ashamed to talk about or need to lie to cover up. At that point it is best to take a step back and not put yourself in a position where things could go further.

The real issue is the relationship you are in. Are you happy and satified in that? If you are, they focus on it. Embrace it and remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have with him, the times you have shared. Take time to keep that spark going and savor it. If you aren't, then figure out what is missing. Talk to each other and light the spark again.

8 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I've been reading a lot of (negative) comments on "cheaters", considered as manipulative, dishonest and much worse. And for sure many are all those things, probably not just in their sentimental relationship, but in all.

Most people will make cheating a black and white issue. It is clearly wrong and anyone who does it is a monster that can't be forgiven. And for sure, it's not a good thing and the people who do it can be monsters. But there can also be shades of gray. There can be nuances that make it more understandable. And couples can recover.

My mother met a guy online and started what could be considered an emotional affair. For most they would see it as cheating and blame her when she asked for a divorce. But if you considered my father was an alcoholic who spent more time getting drunk at bars or passed out in bed then showing her affection, things look different. Her action was trying to reach out for comfort when she felt alone and the relationship was more about finding the strength to push her into getting out of something that was making her unhappy.

I knew another couple where they felt like something was missing in the marriage. So they mutually agreed to an open relationship. She had something with another guy, though there was no intercourse involved (other physically intimate acts were). Ultimately that relationship ended and she stayed married to her husband. For some that would be cheating and wrong. For them, they were okay and managed to stay together.

I say this to show that there are many different circumstances and many beliefs on what is okay. The important thing is that you do what you feel is right and what honors your particular relationship. Don't do something that would hurt your partner, and ultimately be more harmful for you. What other people think about cheaters or the situation will be based on their personal feelings and history. That might not be what is right for you. What you need to do is focus on your relationship and figure out what is happening there. Figure out what the line is for the two of you.

I hope you can work things out.

July 30

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

About five years ago, I was in the seventh year of a relationship when I met a woman for whom I felt something that you’ve described so well:

At the time, I was convinced that my moral duty was to stay with my then-partner. So I cut off all contact with the other woman and tried to focus on the long-term relationship I was having then. Nothing worked, it deteriorated quickly (there were many factors that ruined it), and about a year later my then-partner broke up with me.

I sought out the other woman, and we both discovered we still had feelings for each other. We’ve been together for almost three years now.

Based on what I’ve experienced in my life, I arrived at the following opinion.

There is attraction and there is attraction. It’s one thing to consider another person sexy and hot or generally attractive and to casually wonder what would happen if you were single. This is normal, and I wouldn’t even classify it as a real attraction. It’s just, so to say, a bud of potential desire that’s easy to nip with a bit of concentration and a few reminders. Or, you could say that it’s a tiny flame that will extinguish on its own if you don’t stoke it. When that happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong in your relationship. There is no need to ruin it to pursue something like that.

However, something of the magnitude that you’ve described feels like a very different thing altogether. If this new passion of yours has stood the test of time, if it hasn’t diminished even though you’ve done everything you could to not artificially inflame it and arrived at the firm conclusion that it was real - then things cannot be possible truly fine between you and your husband.

I think your first task should be try and figure out what has been happening in your relationship that made it possible for you to fall so strongly and seriously for another person. This kind of thing feels like it comes out of nowhere, but it doesn’t. There are always internal reasons, cracks in the relationship that people are simply not aware of. You’ll see a much clearer picture once you get to the bottom of what exactly happened that made you fall for another man, and it’ll be easier for you to make the right decision.

Dear Gebidozo

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.

I'd like to learn more from it.

I can't contact you with a PM, as I'm a new member.

Can you do it?

Cheers,

O

July 30

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Feelings are not lightswitches that we turn on and off. We can't always control them. Just because we are with someone and devoted to them, doesn't mean we stop being human and stop having feelings for others. We can still be attracted to others - be it physically or emotionally. We can be attracted to personalities and characteristics. We can even indulge in a fantasy in our minds, wonder what it would be like in another universe where things were different. It doesn't have to be unhealthy or something wrong inside of us. It doesn't make us a bad person.

The important thing is to separate fantasy from reality. It is knowing where the line is and not crossing it. Noticing someone and having a thought, a passing interest, isn't a crime. It's not cheating. It becomes a problem when you start to do things with the person that you feel ashamed to talk about or need to lie to cover up. At that point it is best to take a step back and not put yourself in a position where things could go further.

The real issue is the relationship you are in. Are you happy and satified in that? If you are, they focus on it. Embrace it and remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have with him, the times you have shared. Take time to keep that spark going and savor it. If you aren't, then figure out what is missing. Talk to each other and light the spark again.

Most people will make cheating a black and white issue. It is clearly wrong and anyone who does it is a monster that can't be forgiven. And for sure, it's not a good thing and the people who do it can be monsters. But there can also be shades of gray. There can be nuances that make it more understandable. And couples can recover.

My mother met a guy online and started what could be considered an emotional affair. For most they would see it as cheating and blame her when she asked for a divorce. But if you considered my father was an alcoholic who spent more time getting drunk at bars or passed out in bed then showing her affection, things look different. Her action was trying to reach out for comfort when she felt alone and the relationship was more about finding the strength to push her into getting out of something that was making her unhappy.

I knew another couple where they felt like something was missing in the marriage. So they mutually agreed to an open relationship. She had something with another guy, though there was no intercourse involved (other physically intimate acts were). Ultimately that relationship ended and she stayed married to her husband. For some that would be cheating and wrong. For them, they were okay and managed to stay together.

I say this to show that there are many different circumstances and many beliefs on what is okay. The important thing is that you do what you feel is right and what honors your particular relationship. Don't do something that would hurt your partner, and ultimately be more harmful for you. What other people think about cheaters or the situation will be based on their personal feelings and history. That might not be what is right for you. What you need to do is focus on your relationship and figure out what is happening there. Figure out what the line is for the two of you.

I hope you can work things out.

Hi ShySoul,

Thanks for your advice.

I don't want to cheat on my wonderful husband (I didn't do it in the past to other men who didn't deserve such honesty) and I even told him I need something we could not experience together until now, but of course he cannot agree on such solution.

In the meantime my thoughts about that other person just grow.Ayhe I should just get to know him for real and discover it was just all in my head.

Best,

O

July 30

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

Dear Gebidozo

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience.

I'd like to learn more from it.

I can't contact you with a PM, as I'm a new member.

Can you do it?

Cheers,

O

The website says you can’t receive messages!

Just ask me stuff here!

The people here know all my most sordid secrets

July 30

Just because someone gets married doesn't mean they will stop being attracted to others. It's completely normal to have these feelings. The only thing that could be held against you is if your chose to act on those feelings on a physical or emotional level. It's not uncommon for married individuals to develop crushes outside of their marriage. Those are normal human feelings. That isn't cheating. Cheating only comes into play if those feelings get acted on.

Is your sex life with your hubby still good or has it become pretty stale? Are you still physically attracted to your husband?

Maybe you could try spicing up the sex life with your husband. There technically wouldn't be anything wrong with pretending you are having sex with your crush while you are having sex with your husband. Or doing some things to your husband that you fantasize about doing with/to your crush.

July 30

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The website says you can’t receive messages!

Just ask me stuff here!

The people here know all my most sordid secrets

Ok, I see. But they don't know about mine

Jokes aside, then can I ask you more about your story?

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

My plan for the time being until I get more emotional distance is to avoid him as much as possible.

July 30

10 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

Ok, I see. But they don't know about mine

Jokes aside, then can I ask you more about your story?

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

My plan for the time being until I get more emotional distance is to avoid him as much as possible.

Is this person someone you work with?

July 30

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Just because someone gets married doesn't mean they will stop being attracted to others. It's completely normal to have these feelings. The only thing that could be held against you is if your chose to act on those feelings on a physical or emotional level. It's not uncommon for married individuals to develop crushes outside of their marriage. Those are normal human feelings. That isn't cheating. Cheating only comes into play if those feelings get acted on.

Is your sex life with your hubby still good or has it become pretty stale? Are you still physically attracted to your husband?

Maybe you could try spicing up the sex life with your husband. There technically wouldn't be anything wrong with pretending you are having sex with your crush while you are having sex with your husband. Or doing some things to your husband that you fantasize about doing with/to your crush.

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already.

I am very attracted to my husband although we go through some up and downs due to the fact we like different things and the routine of daily life plays a negative role. I love him so much I don't understand why there is space in my soul for another person.

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any? So I say to myself that love is not a one size fits all, it's not less love if certain aspects are not there or are not at their best. I love my husband for all his qualities and would never hurt him.

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

From the other side, although I'm not jealous of my husband (I used to be a lot, but now I even tell him he can flirt as much as he wants but under my nose, if it's just a game), sometimes I can't keep being jealous of this other man, thinking he might exchange looks as he does with me with other women.

So it's all messed up! All a complete chaos right now..

July 30

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Is this person someone you work with?

No, luckily not.

July 30

2 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already.

I am very attracted to my husband although we go through some up and downs due to the fact we like different things and the routine of daily life plays a negative role. I love him so much I don't understand why there is space in my soul for another person.

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any? So I say to myself that love is not a one size fits all, it's not less love if certain aspects are not there or are not at their best. I love my husband for all his qualities and would never hurt him.

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

From the other side, although I'm not jealous of my husband (I used to be a lot, but now I even tell him he can flirt as much as he wants but under my nose, if it's just a game), sometimes I can't keep being jealous of this other man, thinking he might exchange looks as he does with me with other women.

So it's all messed up! All a complete chaos right now..

NOT under my nose

July 31

4 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

If yes, please tell me, did you see that woman (who is now your partner) often? How did you manage your feelings and kept them under control? Did you know her (for example as a working colleague with whom you had to deal quite often) or just see her in one of the places you both regularly visited?

The truth is, we did have an affair. We didn’t go all the way with sex, and I ended it after a few months, but we did confess our feelings to each other, arranged meetings, took walks together. We were both overwhelmed with guilt feelings, and eventually I cut off all contact with her.

I tried to forget her and I did everything I could to suppress the feelings I had for her. But then, over a year later, when my then-partner broke up with me and we reconnected, the feelings came back gushing.

In retrospect, I know now that if things had been really fine between me and my then-partner, I wouldn’t have fallen for another person like that.

July 31

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

This is not a normal attraction. At least not anymore.It started as physical and then I met his eyes

My point exactly. Big difference between just thinking someone is hot and feeling what you’re feeling

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

And for some "theorists" just thinking about someone else in that manner is cheating already.

It’s not cheating, but let’s put it like this: if I knew my partner was feeling like this about another man, I’d let her go immediately.

This is serious and of course it doesn’t happen in every relationship.

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I know very well what the problems in my present relationship are, but which couple hasn't any?

There are problems and there are problems. If whatever problems you’re having with your husband create a space in your soul that can be filled with such a strong feeling for another man, then these are very serious problems indeed.

5 hours ago, OmoiYari said:

I started doubting humans are actually made to love just one partner and that our society labels as negative the multiple shapes this can take.

It’s not about society, it’s about you. You are obviously distressed and shocked by the situation. You understand that loving one person and yet feeling so strongly about another is not a healthy or desirable state of mind and soul

July 31

Are you in personal contact with this other man?

July 31

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The truth is, we did have an affair. We didn’t go all the way with sex, and I ended it after a few months, but we did confess our feelings to each other, arranged meetings, took walks together. We were both overwhelmed with guilt feelings, and eventually I cut off all contact with her.

I tried to forget her and I did everything I could to suppress the feelings I had for her. But then, over a year later, when my then-partner broke up with me and we reconnected, the feelings came back gushing.

In retrospect, I know now that if things had been really fine between me and my then-partner, I wouldn’t have fallen for another person like that.

Of course there is always something missing when something so strong arises.

Why you didn't cut it before anything could happen? Like even before speaking to her?

July 31

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My point exactly. Big difference between just thinking someone is hot and feeling what you’re feeling

It’s not cheating, but let’s put it like this: if I knew my partner was feeling like this about another man, I’d let her go immediately.

This is serious and of course it doesn’t happen in every relationship.

There are problems and there are problems. If whatever problems you’re having with your husband create a space in your soul that can be filled with such a strong feeling for another man, then these are very serious problems indeed.

It’s not about society, it’s about you. You are obviously distressed and shocked by the situation. You understand that loving one person and yet feeling so strongly about another is not a healthy or desirable state of mind and soul

Yes, serious problems which we are trying to solve although I believe certain things cannot be forced , not all the way.

About the society or myself point, I really believe we feel guilt because of the society in this case (as we feel obliged to behave in a certain way because of where we live). Besides being described in detail by psychologists and sociologists, I feel it every day on my skin as an expat.

Nowadays there are many of open couples. Not that I could stand that, but if my hubby would say go and understand what you feel in this moment of your life, I'd do it. I don't because we've spoken about this option in general (not the specific guy) and he disagreed completely.

July 31

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you in personal contact with this other man?

No, I just spoke to him once and then tried to avoid him ever since for several reasons. One being that if he would ever ask me to meet just for a coffee, I could say/do too much and cross the line.

July 31

38 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

About the society or myself point, I really believe we feel guilt because of the society in this case (as we feel obliged to behave in a certain way because of where we live). Besides being described in detail by psychologists and sociologists, I feel it every day on my skin as an expat.

Could you please elaborate on that?

39 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

Nowadays there are many of open couples. Not that I could stand that, but if my hubby would say go and understand what you feel in this moment of your life, I'd do it. I don't because we've spoken about this option in general (not the specific guy) and he disagreed completely.

It definitely sounds like you and your husband have a glaring incompatibility.

If my partner wanted to try an open relationship, I’d break up with her, as that would constitute a fundamental, irreconcilable difference in our approaches to romantic relationships.

We had discussed all those things shortly before we became a couple, agreeing that from now on we’ll only be sleeping with each other. We’ve both had rather colorful pasts in that respect, so it’s not like there were any taboos or societal pressure involved.

July 31

47 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Could you please elaborate on that?

It definitely sounds like you and your husband have a glaring incompatibility.

If my partner wanted to try an open relationship, I’d break up with her, as that would constitute a fundamental, irreconcilable difference in our approaches to romantic relationships.

We had discussed all those things shortly before we became a couple, agreeing that from now on we’ll only be sleeping with each other. We’ve both had rather colorful pasts in that respect, so it’s not like there were any taboos or societal pressure involved.

On the part as expat? Or on the first?

I'll reply now to the one which can be answered fast, the expat life.

Coming from a country where social life and interaction with people is very spontaneous and an important part of every day life and also where humour is used in a playful way in all types of relationships, I ended up in a country where all of this is the opposite: not important, stiff, organised, people don't speak to each other casually if they don't know each other.

I had to tune down everything (getting frustrated most of the time), even the way I speak otherwise they would think I'm arguing..

After so many years I made peace with it and let myself go "wild" with the people who I know are on the same wave length.

I never had such colourful experiences like you and I don't want in general an open relationship. Only now and with this other guy, I'd like to have the freedom to get to know him and go to whatever point we both would like to reach.

July 31

1 hour ago, OmoiYari said:

I never had such colourful experiences like you

Perhaps that’s part of the problem.

I’ve known many people, also men but especially women, who got married only to discover, sometimes many years later, that they haven’t had enough passion, sensual exploration, romantic adventures in their lives.

The “other man” they encounter at that point basically serves as an incarnation, a manifestation of those unfulfilled desires, acting like a catalyst that releases them, sometimes in radical ways.

July 31

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Perhaps that’s part of the problem.

I’ve known many people, also men but especially women, who got married only to discover, sometimes many years later, that they haven’t had enough passion, sensual exploration, romantic adventures in their lives.

The “other man” they encounter at that point basically serves as an incarnation, a manifestation of those unfulfilled desires, acting like a catalyst that releases them, sometimes in radical ways.

Maybe, but I didn't want it just for the sake of it (the sensual exploration). And I'm that kind of person who can have passion only when emotionally involved, when I feel a connection which goes way beyond the physical attraction.

So i think the problem was rather that I didn't meet the right ones, right for me.

I recently came across (again) Jung's theory about anima/animus (animus in women: Represents the totality of a woman's unconscious masculine psychological qualities. Similarly, it's not just a reflection of the man's father or other male figures, but a more universal image of the masculine. The animus is influenced by a woman's experiences with men and cultural perceptions of masculinity) and it resonated immediately and partially with what I feel for this man, partially because on one hand he feels like my animus and the other like I know him from somewhere else (I don't believe in reincarnation but it feels like I know him already from another time).

Anyway, probably it's all just in my head. This man doesn't feel any special connection to me and I should just watch again "he's not that into you" to remind myself some basics of men-women mechanisms.

Or should I try to find out?

.

July 31

If you have only spoken to the guy once then he really is more of a fantasy you have created in your mind.

July 31

39 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you have only spoken to the guy once then he really is more of a fantasy you have created in your mind.

Yes better I stop this nonsense before I find out it's actually not just my fantasy

July 31

15 minutes ago, OmoiYari said:

Yes better I stop this nonsense before I find out it's actually not just my fantasy

You better stop this nonsense before you make a fool of yourself…

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Is any attraction to another person "bad"?

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