Blaming the one getting rejected/dumped - why do people do this?

[Sam1986]

So I (39m) dated a woman (37f) for 5-6 weeks over the summer, and the way it ended really caused me to crash here, killing off any interest I had in dating. 
So much so that I'm curious to know if anyone has any perspectives, or perhaps a similar story to share.

I met this girl on a dating event (my first one ever!), and we really hit it off, staying up until nearly 3 am to dance, talk, kiss and set up another date.
She did tell me her "secret" immediately on that event, which was that she living on benefits due to having a chronic disease (ME/CFS), and while I was stoked at having a date with such a very attractive girl (usually well out of my league), I did do some reasearch into seeing if that would be an issue - eventually I just figured "I'll find out, but I am not against it in principle" and she later did appreciate me doing research on her illness).
We had our first date a week later, and the date seemed to go really well from what I could tell as we had a ton of things to talk about, and it ended with us making out in her car before my train left for the evening.
We set up a new date while at, but unfortunately she wasnt "free" until about two weeks later, which was a bit odd but I figured was probably because she does have a chronic illness that does require her to rest a lot.
However texting also started dropping on her part (slow responses taking many hours to near full day), though she did text me at least once a day with a rather long response, and I figured that it might just be her style, or that the illness could affect it.
Either way, we then met again two weeks later (me taking the train to see her, as she lives like 1,5 hours away), and I thought the date went well again.

A little drop in her energy again with slower texting, but nothing out of the ordinary (she did reply with long texts eventually) and we decided we would meet up for a third date.
Though on our second date the the first red flags did show up - she did mention on that date that she "needs time" when dating (not specifying the reason for this or what "time" meant),  that she probably never has falled in love with anyone before(!!!), that she had been single for well over 10 years now (but otherwise met a bunch of men which she usually dumped shortly after), and never had a serious LTR apart from an on and off again thing with some guy that lasted 6(!!!) years and had left her unfulfilled.
Some really odd red flags, but I figured I'd test the waters again since she otherwise seemed genuine with me and because I can handle the rejection if she found out that she wasn't feeling the spark/attraction/chemistry or whatever.
Unfortunately summer vacations got in the way, and since she again wasn't able to meet up the week after, so we had to postpone the third date about 3 weeks until both of us were back from vacation.
Fine, I'll wait I thought, but I suggested we perhaps could call each other some time so that we kept some of the momentum up, to which she agreed.

Then came my summer vacation, and her texting came down to a minimum (once a day, always before bedtime).
She did write long replies that seemed interesting though, so I wasn't gonna question that directly.
But when I asked if she was up for a phone call, she claimed that she was "literally unable to since there's so much going on here in my family", which I personally found to be a really suspect answer, but again, I dont want to be "that guy" and dropped the matter and let her know that I would appreciate it if she wanted a phone call later when she got home (apparently one of the symptoms of that illness is fatigue, so I didnt want to push it out of respect to her).
We never did end up having a phone call for those whole 3 weeks.
And truth be told, I was starting to become a bit worried that I was getting played here, as something was "off" about the whole situation (late replies, no calls, and her comments on the second date), and figured that since it was gonna be the third date anyway, that I should just find out where we were standing (since we would have known each other for 5-6 weeks then).
Personally I am rather old school about dating - I have been burnt in the past, but I am pretty secure when it comes to dating otherwise (I've had two LTRs over the last years, 3 and 1,5 years respectively), and will generally not play games and just show consistent interest and avoid too much ambiguity.

I finally met up with her last week for our third date, and initially the date seemed to go really well.
It was her time to come visit, and I planned out a museum trip (we both like that), a dinner, before going to a standup comedy show.
It was at that dinner that I asked (carefully!) about how she thought the dating went between us, as a check-in since we had now known each other for 5-6 weeks and met up a few times.
The mood immediately went completely sour, as she seemed to get annoyed at the question and told me that "I don't know what to say, you're putting me on the spot here and it's making me uncomfortable since I feel like I'm being forced to decide on something".
The response completely blindsided me, because generally around the 3-4 date mark is when I have a conversation about whether there is mutual interest to continue dating (which is also very common, according to friends and the internet in general).
I then apologized because my intention was not to "force her" to do anything, and told her that I did like her a lot and that my only intention was to see whether she think our dating was going well, and in the case that she did think there was compatibility here, if she wanted to start dating each other exclusively (we had known each other for about 5-6 weeks by then after all, texting each day and meeting up 4 times), as I personally prefer to date only one person at a time, and would love for it to be her.
Her response then got even weirder (body language wise), and I sensed that something was off and asked if she was dating others at the time or still going to the dating events, at which point she acknowledged that she had kept going to the dating events during all these weeks.
She then rationalized our behaviours and said that "we are different in that you want to focus on dating one person, while I prefer to keep my options open to avoid the risk of being locked to one person".
This was not ok for me (I told her that I wasn't too happy about such an approach since I ideally am looking for a long term exclusive relationship), and said that it was way too soon to be talking about any sort of exclusivity, to which I replied that I wasn't asking for us to be a couple, just whether she wanted to only date one person (me) so that I could focus my efforts on her instead of using dating apps and whatnot on the side.
She then replied that this was "too early and not a normal question, noone has this sort of talk this early", and I left it at that since I didnt want to ruin an otherwise decent date by being pushy (I don't want to be "that" guy as I wrote above), though the whole thing did leave a rather sour taste in my mouth.

She then texted me the next day, calling it off, and to my surprise also repeated that "you were putting me on the spot and its not normal to have these kind of talks, and you're being really pushy".
That last bit really annoyed me, and I told her that I value honest and direct communication and this was my communicating to her my desire to keep seeing each other and maybe start dating exclusively.
I did after all not push her one bit - slow texts? I didnt comment on it. Need lots of rest due to your illness and doesnt have time to meet met once a week? Totally fine. Cant talk on the phone for the next week? No problem, just call me when you do have time.
I then asked if perhaps she wasnt interested in dating me, and let her know that I had felt that something was off (mentioning the points above in the most tactful manner that I could), and she claiemd that nooo, she had been very interested in me, but my crazy pushing had now ruined all that attraction.
Essentially, blaming it on me completely, trying to paint me as some super insecure type that she had to get rid of as fast as possible,
As I am a rather secure type in dating now (I did do therapy for a few years and thus managed to get into two LTRs since, and the last one being a rather good one that unfortunately had to be gutted due to fundamental incompatibility on the issue of having children), that last bit really ticked me off.
I then told wrote her back that I didn't understand where this was coming from, as I thought it was perfectly normal to have a check-in at the third date to see if there was any interest in exclusivity, and that I was actually used to things progressing a bit faster than this (when I met my last two exes, it was pretty obvious right after date 1-2 that we were into each other and wanted to make time to see each other severa at least twice a week, though I didnt text her that in order to not compare her to my exes and create a toxic situation).
She finally texted back the next day saying that "well it might not be completely unheard of to have a relationship check-in and a talk about excusivity on the third date, but either way I haven't felt any chemistry or connection with you since our first date. Also you apparently dont handle rejection well since you're arguing with me back".


Now sorry for the long wall of text, but I've had a really hard time over the last few days, because the things she said really got to me.
While I've been working on myself to become rather secure in dating now, I am left with a feeling that she blamed this entirely on me.
This really sucks because I really liked her (despite some of her red flags, which I should have commented on earlier, note to future self), I dont think I deserved that sort of treatment at all.
I really can't see what I did wrong here towards her, to warrant such a response where I essentially got blamed for things ending so out of the blue (especially since she did after all admit that she wasnt feeling it later on when I questioned that weird narrative).
One of the reasons why I like to be fortright and honest about my intentions is precisely to avoid time wasters that just end up stringing me along, but never in my wildest dreams had I anticipated that this otherwise (apparently) kind girl would respond in such a manner.

Is this a normal thing that people actually do, blaming others when they decide to call it quits?
Has anyone experienced something similar before, and did you learn any sort of lesson from it?
I'd really like to minimize the chance of something like this happening again in the future, as it's now really killed off my interest in dating for the time being.

Edited Tuesday at 05:43 PM by Sam1986

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't matter if she "blamed" you, there were more than enough signs early on that she wasn't interested in dating the way that you were.  She showed very low interest, made herself unavailable and wasn't even willing to have a phone call with you.  You did push too hard in asking her those questions.  There was no need to start asking those questions when it was only the third date and she had already been showing a lot of signs of making herself emotionally unavailable.  You failed to "read the room", and kept pursuing something that was a dead end.  You can't argue someone into wanting to date you, when their behavior is showing you that they simply are not interested. 

[Sam1986]

34 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It doesn't matter if she "blamed" you, there were more than enough signs early on that she wasn't interested in dating the way that you were.  She showed very low interest, made herself unavailable and wasn't even willing to have a phone call with you.  You did push too hard in asking her those questions.  There was no need to start asking those questions when it was only the third date and she had already been showing a lot of signs of making herself emotionally unavailable.  You failed to "read the room", and kept pursuing something that was a dead end.  You can't argue someone into wanting to date you, when their behavior is showing you that they simply are not interested. 

Fair enough, in hindsight I definitely could have dropped this earlier.
The thing that threw me off here was her illness (which I thought was a legitimate reason to respect her wish to go slow and let her take additional time to reply/call), and the fact that when she did reply (usually near midnight) she did craft a proper long reply which seemed genuine to me.
Thus my guard was lower than it usually is.

That being said, I dont necessarily agree that this approach is "failing to read the room and pushing too hard", as my approach to dating (showing lots of consistent interest) is also partially due to me hoping to weed out time wasters on purpose, since I figure that usually scares them off when it becomes clear that the underlying interest levels are mismatched.
I was fully aware that she might not have the same feelings in return, but usually my approach has worked well for me because people who are not genuinely reciprocating tend to show themselves out the door pretty fast, or I see that I'm not getting much in return and thus end it on my part (while it builds a strong momentum with people who are interested, like my last two LTRs for instance).
This however pushed all the wrong buttons for me, especially since I sucked up a lot of the nonsense by virtue of wanting to respect the limits imposed by her illness and falling for that charade, then getting "blamed for killing the attraction she had for me", when there was none and the illness was just a ruse for whatever reason I dont understand.
Really trying not to become jaded at the moment...

Anyway, thank you for your comment!

Edited Tuesday at 07:08 PM by Sam1986

[Sony12]

You definitely gave this gal too many benefit of the doubts for this chronic fatigue she said she had. Even if she was being completely honest with you (which it is very possible she wasn't) there are still all kinds of different severity levels with most physical issues. If she was able to go dancing with you and was able to have make out sessions with you she likely could have easily done most regular dating activities. Maybe she would have trouble keeping up with an avid hiker but regular dating activities likely weren't an issue for her. You probably made far too big of a deal about her physical issues. Chances are she just tells people that because it gives her an easy out if she doesn't want to do something.

She was showing a clear lack of interest and you probably should have picked up on it before that final conversation. You probably were being too pushy and you did put her on the spot. 

[Sam1986]

23 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You definitely gave this gal too many benefit of the doubts for this chronic fatigue she said she had. Even if she was being completely honest with you (which it is very possible she wasn't) there are still all kinds of different severity levels with most physical issues. If she was able to go dancing with you and was able to have make out sessions with you she likely could have easily done most regular dating activities. Maybe she would have trouble keeping up with an avid hiker but regular dating activities likely weren't an issue for her. You probably made far too big of a deal about her physical issues. Chances are she just tells people that because it gives her an easy out if she doesn't want to do something.

She was showing a clear lack of interest and you probably should have picked up on it before that final conversation. You probably were being too pushy and you did put her on the spot. 

That's really hard though, because on some level I feel like it's just a decent thing to do, to give someone that benefit of the doubt when it comes to an actual illness.
Having read up on it I came across forums where some people were apparently so ill that they couldn't get out of bed on a regular basis and that any strains could cause some sort of relapse, so I figured that it could be pretty severe and that I wanted to respect that by not pushing her limits.
Stupid me I guess.

That being said, I'm not sure what you mean when you said that I "put her on the spot".
Like, half the point of that conversation was to find out how she felt since I was unsure if her slow pace and lukewarm interest was due to her illness or her interest level, and I'm personally not a fan assuming this and that (which has gotten me into all sorts of troubles before), and would rather communicate my needs.
It's not like I asked "are you interested in me or not?" to force a reply, I asked my usual "how do you think things are going?", which is a check-in topic I usually ask on the third date (including those that turned into LTRs, and in that case the answer was along the lines of "Fantastic! We were really lucky to get to know each other, what do you think?").
The illness was nothing she made up by the way, I even saw her "disability card" that let her get some tickets for half price etc - definitely was a real illness in her case!

Edited Tuesday at 07:37 PM by Sam1986

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Sam1986 said:

That's really hard though, because on some level I feel like it's just a decent thing to do, to give someone that benefit of the doubt when it comes to an actual illness.
Having read up on it I came across forums where some people were apparently so ill that they couldn't get out of bed on a regular basis and that any strains could cause some sort of relapse, so I figured that it could be pretty severe and that I wanted to respect that by not pushing her limits.
Stupid me I guess.

That being said, I'm not sure what you mean when you said that I "put her on the spot".
Like, half the point of that conversation was to find out how she felt since I was unsure if her slow pace and lukewarm interest was due to her illness or her interest level, and I'm personally not a fan assuming this and that (which has gotten me into all sorts of troubles before), and would rather communicate my needs.
It's not like I asked "are you interested in me or not?" to force a reply, I asked my usual "how do you think things are going?", which is a check-in topic I usually ask on the third date (including those that turned into LTRs, and in that case the answer was along the lines of "Fantastic! We were really lucky to get to know each other, what do you think?").
The illness was nothing she made up by the way, I even saw her "disability card" that let her get some tickets for half price etc - definitely was a real illness in her case!

Her being physically fit enough for dating is something for her to worry about. Not you. I'm sure she knows what all goes into a relationship and it's her responsibility to decide if she is well enough to do those things. If she willingly goes to bed with a guy and gets hurt because of her illness than that is on her. It wouldn't be the guys fault. The only time the guy would be at fault is if he forced her to do something she didn't want to do and got hurt doing it.

In the future don't worry about those things. It's their responsibility to decide if they are capable of doing everything that is involved in dating.

I would recommend not asking those questions on the third date. That is still very early in the dating process and many people would feel like you are putting them on the spot. Try to read the room instead. Generally when people seem to be making themselves less available to you that usually does mean they are either losing interest or were never quite as interested as you thought they might be. 

Edited Tuesday at 09:31 PM by Sony12

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

...she did mention on that date that she "needs time" when dating (not specifying the reason for this or what "time" meant),  that she probably never has falled in love with anyone before(!!!), that she had been single for well over 10 years now (but otherwise met a bunch of men which she usually dumped shortly after), and never had a serious LTR apart from an on and off again thing...

Sorry she's upset you, Sam, but I hope you'll bounce back quickly after recognizing that her trigger-happy habits speak of her own problems, not yours. This walking red flag is certainly not worth harming your own well-won security and healthy attitude about dating and relationships overall.

Read back your quote above. Does this sound like a healthy dater to you? The woman rattled off her warning shots like habitual theater. These weren't just red flags; they were a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones that read, "You are next to be nexted..." right across the front.

This is her thing. First, she speaks it, then she does it. Whatever reason she grabbed doesn't matter; it'll get her to the same place with every guy, no matter what he does or doesn't do, speaks or fails to speak. "I've been meeting men for 10 years, and I (invent reasons to) dump them shortly thereafter..." So, why make that your problem?

Most people come here bewildered because their dates give them no reason beyond, "I don't feel a connection..." despite behaving to the contrary, or worse, they get ghosted out of nowhere. In your case, this woman behaved consistently all along and even gave you fair warning about her clear pattern. Then, true to form, she showed you exactly why this was never going to work out. All you need to do now is 'see' the obvious and don't take her issues to heart.

Of course, she had to make it about you. She can't operate any other way. She told you this in your quote above. NObody makes it past her defenses. That's not on you.

Edited Tuesday at 09:58 PM by Sanch62

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

she acknowledged that she had kept going to the dating events during all these weeks.

Looks like that CFS isn't affecting her too badly if she had the energy to do that, (while obviously lying to you about circumstances in order to keep you dangling in the wings). To me it sounds like you have an honest, (and rare), healthy attitude towards dating and forming relationships, and you shouldn't take one bit of notice of anything she said to you because reading your post it comes across that she suffers from Chronic Bullsh***ers Syndrome. I think you dodged a bullet here, if you'd actually got into a relationship with her I suspect you'd be paying both emotionally and financially because she showed herself to be a liar and potentially exploitative. I know CFS is a real thing, but I recall when it first became popularly known in the late 80's all of a sudden a whole lot of malingerers showed up at their doctors complaining about how tired they were. I would have wanted to see your girl's blood test results showing the Epstein-Barr virus before I believed her. 

[Gebidozo]

I disagree that her prior romantic life was a red flag.

I know plenty of people with very weird pasts that later had completely normal long-term relationships. These things don’t only depend on your own dating patterns, but also on other people.

I also disagree that her not having phone calls with the OP was, per se, a sign of disinterest. I don’t like phone calls and I’ve been avoiding them as much as I could, including with people I definitely care about. These things differ from person to person.

That said, I do think that the OP over-invested into that connection, hence the disappointment.

OP, when you’re dating someone and you think that person displays red flags or otherwise does things in a way that constantly makes you feel inconvenient, uncertain, wondering, and confused, stop dating that person.

It’s not about guessing how she feels, it’s about how she makes you feel.

 

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I disagree that her prior romantic life was a red flag.

Sure, I could make room for prior dating life if it didn't align with this:

Quote

...when ... you think that person ...does things in a way that constantly makes you feel inconvenient, uncertain, wondering, and confused...

And I don't even imply that sticking around for all of this was necessarily a mistake. I get that sometimes you might just like someone enough to want to see how things play out.

I'm only pointing out why it makes no sense to take blame seriously from this combo plate of weirdness who's even bragged about her long history of ditching men quickly.

OP, she didn't ditch you because you were willing to invest in her; she ditched you because she's unwilling to invest back, AND that is consistent with how she behaved and what she already told you.

Edited yesterday at 05:49 PM by Sanch62

[flitzanu]

i think you're a little 50/50 on this one, sure maybe you were asking a bit early and maybe you weren't recognizing the signs...but also, if she WAS interested, she likely wouldn't have responded so negatively. 

so....wrong moves?  maybe.  saving yourself time by not wasting energy and finding this out now?  maybe.

[flitzanu]

i think you're a little 50/50 on this one, sure maybe you were asking a bit early and maybe you weren't recognizing the signs...but also, if she WAS interested, she likely wouldn't have responded so negatively. 

so....wrong moves?  maybe.  saving yourself time by not wasting energy and finding this out now?  maybe.

 

*also to add, that potentially could sound a little rude for her to tell you to your face she was "keeping her options open"

again, that's very subjective because yes a person should keep options open, but if you like someone...you'll do all you can to spend time with them.