Still Living Together After a Breakup, Looking for Others Who’ve Been Through This

[Joana Silva]

My ex and I broke up after seven years together. Things had reached a point of no return, especially after she ended up cheating. Despite the breakup, we’re still living together. Has anyone else been through something like this? I'm struggling to make sense of the fact that we’re still friends and continue doing things together, yet we’re no longer in a relationship. It’s a confusing place to be, especially when that relationship was such a core part of my identity for so long. We’re both foreigners living abroad, which adds another layer. In many ways, we've become like family. That closeness is helpful in some ways; we support each other through things. But at the same time, she doesn't feel like just another friend. I still carry a lot of resentment about how things ended, about how quickly she moved on, and I often feel foolish for still holding onto these emotions. I find myself watching YouTube videos just to try to process it all and feel less alone in it. I wish I wasn’t so emotionally attached or didn’t feel this emptiness, but I know I can’t just switch that off. The videos help, but it would also really help to hear from others who’ve gone through something similar, how they navigated it, and how they made peace with it.

[ShySoul]

It's not exactly the same thing, but there are similarities. I have lived with someone where there was interest on both sides but didn't progress to a relationship. I fell harder and would have been with her if I could have. But she wanted to keep it as friendship. I get how much it hurts and how confusing it can be. You want to go back to how things were and since you see them everyday you don't get time away to process on your own. How things ended with you also adds a layer of hurt that is difficult to recover from. But then the friendship is something you don't want to lose either. And in many ways friends and relationships are almost like the same thing, just without some physical stuff thrown in. You still hang out, talk, laugh, do things together. So it can be easy to wonder why it can't be more.

For me I tried to see that what I wanted most was for her to be happy. I loved her enough to want what was best for her, even if it wasn't a relationship with me. If she was doing well, then I would just be happy for her. And I realized that our friendship was too important for me to lose. So no matter how difficult it could be, I did what was needed to perserve that. We had been through so much together, helped each other out when no one else was there, that the thought of not being her friend was worse then the thought of not being her boyfriend.

Most of all, I'd say to be honest with yourself and with her. If something is bothering you, let her know. Say just what you told us. You clearly value the friendship and don't want to lose it. But you also are trying to balance your feelings. If you need to, set a boundary. Don't be afraid to say if you are uncomfortable with doing something together or if you need some space to yourself. She seems like she would understand. She is also navigating feelings for you and doesn't seem to want to hurt you anymore. Work together to figure out how to best manage this friendship.

Having that kind of friendship can be very rewarding. It's a sign of two mature people that they can stay so close after what happened. It isn't always easy, and it can take time to work out the kinks, but it's worth the effort. I admire you for being able to even try and I know you can succeed.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't advise you strongly enough that you two start to look for separate living quarters. 

I have been where you are. While my ex didn't cheat, we had to continue living toegther for a bit as we both looked for our own places. The real healing didn't start until after we were no longer under the same roof. Until then, we were still in that strange zone where you are now, not together but still acting like it because we were so familiar with each other  - and complacent. That's not a healthy place to be long-term. I would urge you to stop 

On 7/29/2025 at 11:51 AM, Joana Silva said:

I still carry a lot of resentment about how things ended, about how quickly she moved on, and I often feel foolish for still holding onto these emotions.

Why do you feel foolish? She did a hurtful thing to you and blew up the relationship. It's normal to be upset with the person. I get you are trying to keep the peace but it's not a good idea to judge your own feelings, either. It is going to take time to process it and move on. The fact that you're still living together and behaving like a couple in certain ways is going to delay your ability to do so. 

I would also caution you about keeping a friend who has showed you she doesn't much respect you or care about your feelings. She would have broken up with your first before cheating if she did. Are those the characteristics you value in a friend? I would not be interested, personally. She would not longer meet the basic definition of "friend" in my books. 

 

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 01:36 PM by ExpatInItaly

[ShySoul]

On 7/29/2025 at 2:51 AM, Joana Silva said:

I still carry a lot of resentment about how things ended, about how quickly she moved on, and I often feel foolish for still holding onto these emotions

You have no reason to feel foolish. Our emotions are our emotions. Any breakup hurts and takes time to heal from. That time varies from person to person. If you are feeling it, then you still are working through it. It's a journey, not a lightswitch. Whatever you need to heal is fine. It will take as long as it takes. My brother was cheated on and spent a week crying for hours a night. I was hurt by someone and would randomly start crying for months. It's not foolish to have these emotions. It's how we deal and process everything. So feel whatever you feel.

I will also say that just because someone looks like they have healed on the outside, doesn't mean they have healed on the inside. Some people jump to new relationships and try to act happy and cheerful but are really masking unresolved feelings. She may not be completely comfortable with things either. And even if she has moved on, it's not a competition. Every person deals with things in their own way.

Finally, resentment doesn't change things or make them better. It really just holds us back. As does choosing to view the other person negatively. True healing and moving on is the moment you can let go of the past, forgive a person, and still wish them well. It's seeing that as humans we make mistakes but being able to move past them. A person isn't who they are the last time you spoke, they are who they have been the entire time you have known them. A person shouldn't be judged on one action, but on their pattern of behavior. You should be upset and hurt by her cheating. But has she owned up to the mistake? Has she been a good friend to you otherwise and  is trying to atone? Keep those things in mind and it might help lessen the hurt and resentment.

Hang in there. Things get better.