Differences during stressful times

[Gebidozo]

My partner and I have very different ways when something sad or painful or stressful happens in our lives.

When such things happen to me, I want her to be there. I get emotional, I talk to her, I share, I want to be consoled. I increase communication. The need for physical contact grows. I become more attached.

When such things happen to my partner, she prefers, in her own words, to deal with them alone. She reduces communication. Physical contact lessens dramatically. She becomes more emotionally distant.

There was a time period about half a year ago when her relative suddenly got very sick and died. She behaved as described above, but eventually things completely returned to normal on their own.

Now, an even closer relative of hers is sick and in a hospital, the situation is probably not life-threatening but very serious nevertheless, there are mental and physical problems at once there.

The drastic decrease of affectionate words and gestures and physical contact between us is more painful than I thought it would be. I try to be as warm and as affectionate to her as I can because that’s what I would have wanted from her myself if the situation were reversed. But I can see that she doesn’t need that from me and she can’t reciprocate. That makes me feel unwanted and useless. I struggle to brush off these negative emotions, and they keep coming.

I must clarify that I’m fully aware of the inadequacy of my internal reaction. I know that it’s not about me, it’s about her and her family. I know that different people have different ways of dealing with stress and grief and that I must let her do it in her own way. I feel like a selfish monster and an idiot for feeling the way I’m feeling.

But I guess that the notion that withdrawing oneself emotionally and physically during difficult times is a sign of a lack of a truly deep connection is too deeply ingrained in me, even though I rationally understand that it is not necessarily true and most probably not true in her case.

Half a year ago she was in another town during the tough times. Now she is staying in town and also comes back home from work and hospital visits to rest and sometimes to spend the night. Which somehow makes it harder for me. It’s like she is here, but she is not here. 

Because I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, I also feel like an absolute a**h***. Instead of being 100% mentally supportive and helpful, I’m internally freaking out. I hope she hasn’t noticed, but I suspect she might have, which would make it even worse. I didn’t complain or said anything to her because I’m afraid that would just increase her stress, and I feel I need to deal with these issues on my own without involving her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Does the fact that I’m thinking about myself and feeling bad about myself in this situation instead of only thinking of her make me an incorrigibly self-centered person?

I’m deeply disappointed in myself and I begin to question my adequacy as a partner and my moral compass.

Is this some sort of a deep and serious insecurity issue that I need to deal with through therapy?

 

 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Does the fact that I’m thinking about myself and feeling bad about myself in this situation instead of only thinking of her make me an incorrigibly self-centered person?

I’m deeply disappointed in myself and I begin to question my adequacy as a partner and my moral compass.

The fact that you are disappointed in yourself and questioning your own adequancy as a partner should tell you that you aren't self centered. You are still thinking of her and being hard on yourself, wishing you could put aside your feelings for her sake. That tells me you care for her and want the best for her. That isn't selfish.

We all have our own feelings and issues we are dealing with. It's okay to still think about you in these times. You can't shut off your feelings. And given that you are more of an emotional person, you really can't turn those off. You have very different ways of dealing with situations, and there will be conflict. It is a balancing act to try to get both of your needs met. Neither of you is wrong or being selfish. It's finding a way to meet in the middle and work together so that both of you feel okay with things. 

I'm like you in that when there is a problem I like to talk to the other person or just be with them. I don't even need to fix or resolve something. I just want the support of knowing someone is there. My friend jumps to trying to fix it, creating a plan of what we should be doing. We kind of have a similar problem right now, where I just need a hug but she is either too focused on finding solutions or withdrawing because she can't deal with it right now. It's tough. It can feel isolating for both sides, like the other person doesn't care as much. Even if we know it's not true, in the moment it doesn't feel that way.

You are doing okay. Try to not take it personally. Let her know you are there for her and give her the support she needs. At the same time, maybe try to get her to do something with you just to get her mind off of it for a bit. A break might be good for both of you. It's not good for her to dwell on this all the time and a chance to clear her head might be refreshing. And it can give you the sense of doing something and feeling close to her. Otherwise, know that it's not about you, it's her needing to work through what is going on. When things get better, she will return the affection she has shown you before.

Remember, helping and caring for someone isn't about giving what you would want. It's about listening to the other person and providing them with what they say they need from you.

I hope things get better for all of you and this relative comes out of this well.

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Remember, helping and caring for someone isn't about giving what you would want. It's about listening to the other person and providing them with what they say they need from you.

So true. Thank you for your kind and wise advice!

[Els]

You and your partner sound like H and me, except with genders reversed.

My best advice is that it's not your fault for feeling however you're feeling. Just be mindful of how you handle these negative emotions - maybe try talking to a friend or taking up a new hobby etc, so that you can occupy yourself while she does what she needs to do to cope. 

Best of luck to you two.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Els said:

You and your partner sound like H and me, except with genders reversed.

My best advice is that it's not your fault for feeling however you're feeling. Just be mindful of how you handle these negative emotions - maybe try talking to a friend or taking up a new hobby etc, so that you can occupy yourself while she does what she needs to do to cope. 

Best of luck to you two.

Thanks you, Els!

I’m just wondering whether my self-absorbed reaction is within the parameters of “normality” or there are some serious issues that I need to address.

So far, everyone’s been telling me that my feelings are understandable and not my fault. Why, then, do I feel like crap about that? I’ve discovered, to my horror, that I’ve begun to resent my partner for not giving me enough attention these days. I’m not supposed to feel like that, I’m supposed to be concerned about her father and take myself out of the picture.

So basically, I’m beginning to hate myself for being a selfish a**h*** of epic proportions…

 

[Els]

23 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Thanks you, Els!

I’m just wondering whether my self-absorbed reaction is within the parameters of “normality” or there are some serious issues that I need to address.

So far, everyone’s been telling me that my feelings are understandable and not my fault. Why, then, do I feel like crap about that? I’ve discovered, to my horror, that I’ve begun to resent my partner for not giving me enough attention these days. I’m not supposed to feel like that, I’m supposed to be concerned about her father and take myself out of the picture.

So basically, I’m beginning to hate myself for being a selfish a**h*** of epic proportions…

 

We can't always control what emotions we feel. What we do have control over is how we manage and express them. 

I actually feel that cognitive behavioral therapy with a qualified therapist could help you a lot with this. It's one of the first things that those of us with OCD or anxiety learn - the thought/feeling exists, and there's no point feeling bad about it being there or trying to force it to leave. Just accept and acknowledge that it's there, and use the methods that you've learned to manage it. The therapist should go over some of those methods with you as well.