Should I stay or should I go

[Yellowrose2026]

I'm in my mid fifties and I think I know the answer to this question. However, perhaps I'm missing something?

Question- Should I move in with my ex who is battling a cancer diagnosis?

Backstory-We share a teenager who has some OCD and anxiety issues. She has a therapist and we are both supportive of her issues. About two years ago when we I left him we decided our daughter would live with him (about 20min from me) because she goes to school in his community and all her sports activities, friends etc are that community. Also, she was having extreme anxiety about transitioning from home to home. We never went to court on this decision  and I visit quite often.

A few month ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer. He refuses to tell our daughter what is going on. Although, it is quite obvious he is sick. I come over his house more frequently now and help out. He has told me at least several times that if I want to continue to sleep here occasionally I  must have "relations" with him and not date anyone else. I am over him and have no interest and sleeping with him. And I'm in no looking to date anyone anyway. I would still come see our daughter but not be welcomed to stay the night.  However, I'm wondering if I should bite the bullet and sleep with him 1) to spend more time with our daughter and 2) to help him as he goes through Chemo. 

What say you?

[MsJayne]

No, having cancer doesn't give him the right to make these demands. In fact, using illness to attempt to blackmail you is appalling behaviour. Your marriage is over, and if he thinks it's OK to use cancer as a means to interfere with your relationship with your daughter there's no prizes for guessing why you left him, manipulative people drain the life out of you. You only live twenty minutes away, you don't really need to sleep over, though I understand that having you do that may help your daughter if she feels that, despite separation, everything's fine between her parents. If he's going through chemo it's going to become obvious to your daughter soon enough that he's ill so he's doing her no favours by trying to be all noble and stoic, (or controlling and deceitful, depending how you look at it), and not telling her what's going on, she's on the verge of adulthood but he's treating her like a child and depriving her of the opportunity to support him. May I ask what sort of cancer he has, re: survival rate, etc? 

Edited Monday at 09:58 PM by MsJayne

[Yellowrose2026]

I just realized I can't edit my own post after fifteen minutes. But meant to say "...when I left him we decided.."

Thank you MsJayne. Yes, it does seem manipulative and I see that. He has gastrointestinal cancer, stage 4. We were together for fourteen years and never married due to  his anger and PTSD issues. I always kept my own home as well.

But I want to do what is best for our child. I could certainly visit daily but I want my daughter to see that no matter what, I will try my best to be there for a dad as he goes through this tough time in his life. I have some PTSD from the relationship and don't really want to live with him. But again, I think I'm not thinking clearly on this.

A good friend of mine suggests I leave and visit each day to  help out. He has siblings who could certainly step up and help too. But so far there is no talk of this happening because his diagnosis was only a couple months ago and he is still able to be up and about  and work some days, except on the days right after his round of  chemo. 

[ShySoul]

A few years ago my brother had a stroke. He had no family in the area who could assist him. So his ex wife, who he had stayed civil with for their children, took him in for a time while he recovered.

It is a good thing that you can be there to help him out. Health concerns should come above differences and if you care about people then you want to be there when they are going through something.

However, caring about someone and being there does not mean doing things you are not comfortable with and giving them whatever they want. "Relations" is not about helping his cancer. It won't help him or your daughter. And it's going to make you feel worse. You already have PTSD. Why get any more involved then you have to? Why set yourself up to be hurt again? That is crossing a line and absolutely not acceptable.

And if he can take care of himself most of the time, then you are not needed there all the time. You would be going against your values, doing something that you don't want to do and would be harmful to you, for nothing. 

If it's not broke, don't fix it. Visiting occassionally and helping out is working right now. Being there when he is at his worse from the treatments shows you care for both of them and is the right thing to do. Unless his condition seriously worsens, just leave it as it is. And even then, keep it about helping him with his health issues. Don't let it cross the line into anything more personal or intimate.

Edited Wednesday at 03:34 AM by ShySoul

[Yellowrose2026]

Thank you for that ShySoul. You are right.