Going to see male strip shows in secrecy when in a relationship

[Sony12]

This is really more about him being afraid that his wife is going to cheat. If she is going to cheat it most likely isn't going to be with a stripper. Also hopefully this guy doesn't watch porn if he is that uptight about his wife looking at naked men.

Edited Wednesday at 01:45 PM by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

the guys don't get close enough to grope.

They sometimes do. 

Ask me how I know! 

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

They sometimes do. 

Ask me how I know! 

Of course there are going to be some at those places that get a little more wild. Just like there are some women online who have sex with men young enough to be their kids. But I would imagine the majority of the women there aren't rushing to put their hands all over the strippers body. They are just going and laughing and having some drinks with their friends.

[mranonymous]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

This is really more about him being afraid that his wife is going to cheat. If she is going to cheat it most likely isn't going to be with a stripper. Also hopefully this guy doesn't watch porn if he is that uptight about his wife looking at naked men.

Yes you have that right. It has a lot to do with how I have been treated in the relationship over the years, and also everything to do with the fact I had been lied to for 7 months etc, on something we had both agreed we would not entertain from early on, which i had held up on my end. It was the fact that she could look me in the eyes without flinching when I had directly said on a few occasions about it etc, and it felt like cheating based on the secrecy, and only being told the day before the wedding. I never got to have a say and was lied to. No I dont watch porn, nor go to strip clubs, but I would 100 percent say that a live show where people can literally talk to one another it they want, is much more a threat than someone on a screen etc etc. I am uptight/insecure, but this is based on how our relationship has gone over time, and not felt noticed. I have a lot of examples for this, but obviously it's getting too deep and probably something for a therapist lol  

[mranonymous]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Your wife is right and you're talking rubbish.    In my experience, it's nothing more than a bunch of screaming women screaming at dancers who never get close and who don't remove their G-string.   Nobody's intending to cheat and the guys don't get close enough to grope....it's just dumb fun

If you're going to implode your marriage over this, at least go to one and see what actually happens

My wife is right to change our agreed boundaries, not to discuss with me and at least tell me she has a different opinion now, ans be honest with me about this? She only announced that she had gone to the show the day before the wedding, and only because she realised that it could be brought up by someone else. She knew I have anxiety based on our own past etc, and so knew I would be very uncomfortable. Had she have mentioned at the start o may have at least had time to prepare for it if you know what I mean. It is because she looking me dead in the eye several times and lied, and that told me that my feelings were not important, so much so that she could lie and not feel guilty. Maybe she may be/others may be very comfortable on this subject, but she knew I was not, and as far as I was aware, we were both on the same page about these types of shows, but rather than just talk it out, she lied, and that in turn has made it very difficult, as it makes you start to question if there were other past lies etc etc 

[Sony12]

OP you are starting to sound pretty controlling. You sound like you have issues about yourself that you need to figure out. Until then you are probably going to have trouble trusting anyone.

If your wife wants to cheat on you it most likely isn't going to be with a stripper from one of these shows.

[flitzanu]

53 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

OP you are starting to sound pretty controlling. You sound like you have issues about yourself that you need to figure out. Until then you are probably going to have trouble trusting anyone.

If your wife wants to cheat on you it most likely isn't going to be with a stripper from one of these shows.

this 100%.

just because a dude works as a stripper doesn't make him a prostitute or a slut, and you're just assuming that anyone of these dancers would actually sleep with your wife, that's #1

and #2, exactly what @Sony12 said, if your wife is going to cheat, it is far more likely to be a stranger down the street than a stripper being paid by thousands of women to dance naked.  the odds of someone actually picking up a stripper, male or female, are incredibly low.  it would be much easier meeting a random dude at the bar if she just wanted to have sex with someone.

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, flitzanu said:

this 100%.

just because a dude works as a stripper doesn't make him a prostitute or a slut, and you're just assuming that anyone of these dancers would actually sleep with your wife, that's #1

and #2, exactly what @Sony12 said, if your wife is going to cheat, it is far more likely to be a stranger down the street than a stripper being paid by thousands of women to dance naked.  the odds of someone actually picking up a stripper, male or female, are incredibly low.  it would be much easier meeting a random dude at the bar if she just wanted to have sex with someone.

Not to mention a lot of male strippers are actually gay. There is a lot more money involved for taking your clothes off for men than there is for women. Even if it is a club just for women I wouldn't at all be surprised if the majority of the men that dance there also take their clothes off for men at some other venues.

[Gebidozo]

I’m going to go against the apparent consensus on this one.

I think that the OP isn’t being unreasonable or controlling when he says he feels bad about the whole thing.

The problem here isn’t  the stripper, it’s the breach of boundaries and the lie.

Regardless of whether watching strippers is categorized as cheating or not, clearly in the OP’s case it’s something he and his wife have agreed not to do. The fact that she did it without telling him, and then lied when asked about that, is disconcerting.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m going to go against the apparent consensus on this one.

I think that the OP isn’t being unreasonable or controlling when he says he feels bad about the whole thing.

The problem here isn’t  the stripper, it’s the breach of boundaries and the lie.

Regardless of whether watching strippers is categorized as cheating or not, clearly in the OP’s case it’s something he and his wife have agreed not to do. The fact that she did it without telling him, and then lied when asked about that, is disconcerting.

The issue really is is that the OP clearly has a lot of insecurities. If people are too insecure it doesn't matter what others do because fault will be found in whatever it is.

The OP needs to go talk to a professional.

Edited Thursday at 02:35 AM by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

The issue really is is that the OP clearly has a lot of insecurities. If people are too insecure it doesn't matter what others do because fault will be found in whatever it is.

The OP needs to go talk to a professional.

That’s also true.

But l think that many confident people would also feel uncomfortable if their partner doesn’t warn them about going to see strippers, and then lies about it when asked. 

[Sony12]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s also true.

But l think that many confident people would also feel uncomfortable if their partner doesn’t warn them about going to see strippers, and then lies about it when asked. 

As always there are two sides to every story though. In one of the OP's opening posts he says that he is insecure about his wife looking at men who are more attractive than him. We all know that people don't stop enjoying looking at attractive individuals just because they tie the knot. If she knew he would throw a little bit of a fit I could see why she wouldn't tell him. Cheating is wrong but just looking at attractive individuals isn't cheating. And the OP has absolutely no evidence she ever did anything other than look.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Of course there are going to be some at those places that get a little more wild. 

I was responding to the post which claimed dancers don't get close enough to touch women. I came to point out this is smply not always accurate and more than touching sometimes happens, too. I didn't say the majority of women do this, but to suggest this doesn't happen, well, isn't true either. 

I won't get into further details but it's evident from some of the posts here that some folks have limited knowledge about the other side of the coin in such places. 

Edited Thursday at 04:08 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was responding to the post which claimed dancers don't get close enough to touch women. I came to point out this is smply not always accurate and more than touching sometimes happens, too. I didn't say the majority of women do this, but to suggest this doesn't happen, well, isn't true either. 

I won't get into further details but it's evident from some of the posts here that some folks have limited knowledge about the other side of the coin in such places. 

No I think most know exactly what goes on. You have the majority who are just sitting there laughing while a few get a little more crazy. It's also true that a high number of male strippers are actually gay.

[mranonymous]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m going to go against the apparent consensus on this one.

I think that the OP isn’t being unreasonable or controlling when he says he feels bad about the whole thing.

The problem here isn’t  the stripper, it’s the breach of boundaries and the lie.

Regardless of whether watching strippers is categorized as cheating or not, clearly in the OP’s case it’s something he and his wife have agreed not to do. The fact that she did it without telling him, and then lied when asked about that, is disconcerting.

Thank you, I think this is the bigger issue, which in turn has made me question so much more of us, and has pushed my insecurities even further. I came to this group, as I was trying to work out whether I am just insecure and shouldn't worry, but ultimately I have been broken since it happened, several panic attacks, when she hugs me now it doesn't feel the same, its like i want to feel connected, but at the same time my instinct want to push her away as she is 'danger'.

We have been discussing therapy, as I think I may have Betrayal trauma pr something. Each day I keep yo coming from its ok, to being depressed/can't look at her. I hate how things are now, sort of seeing the world differently. It's like i want to trust again and see the world in a happy way, but its also like the person I thought i knew is just this different person to me now and im pretty numb, struggling to get on at work, i also play it out in my mind, this idea of her laughing having fun, ignoring my texts whilst there, getting visions of her being there lasting (probably exaggerated in my head etc)

 

I have been trying to understand whether the way I have been feeling/being is 'normal' to try and get out of needing therapy, as I dont want to accept that something is wrong with me etc for feeling how I am do deeply?

 

 

 

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, mranonymous said:

Thank you, I think this is the bigger issue, which in turn has made me question so much more of us, and has pushed my insecurities even further. I came to this group, as I was trying to work out whether I am just insecure and shouldn't worry, but ultimately I have been broken since it happened, several panic attacks, when she hugs me now it doesn't feel the same, its like i want to feel connected, but at the same time my instinct want to push her away as she is 'danger'.

We have been discussing therapy, as I think I may have Betrayal trauma pr something. Each day I keep yo coming from its ok, to being depressed/can't look at her. I hate how things are now, sort of seeing the world differently. It's like i want to trust again and see the world in a happy way, but its also like the person I thought i knew is just this different person to me now and im pretty numb, struggling to get on at work, i also play it out in my mind, this idea of her laughing having fun, ignoring my texts whilst there, getting visions of her being there lasting (probably exaggerated in my head etc)

 

I have been trying to understand whether the way I have been feeling/being is 'normal' to try and get out of needing therapy, as I dont want to accept that something is wrong with me etc for feeling how I am do deeply?

 

 

 

If you do go to therapy fully expect the therapist to be brutally honest with you. Your insecurities run much deeper than your wife. You have absolutely no evidence that she has cheated on you. The most you have is that she perhaps enjoys checking out attractive men. Something about 95% of happily married women who have no intention of cheating on their husbands still do. Being attracted to the opposite sex doesn't go away just because you choose to get married. Most people have individuals that they are more attracted to than they are their spouses. Developing a slight crush on someone outside of your marriage also isn't uncommon. Those are normal human feelings. Without those feelings people wouldn't get married or have sex to begin with. The only thing that matters is if they do or don't act on those feelings.

You have no evidence that she has ever actually acted on any normal feelings most everyone has.

[mranonymous]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

If you do go to therapy fully expect the therapist to be brutally honest with you. Your insecurities run much deeper than your wife. You have absolutely no evidence that she has cheated on you. The most you have is that she perhaps enjoys checking out attractive men. Something about 95% of happily married women who have no intention of cheating on their husbands still do. Being attracted to the opposite sex doesn't go away just because you choose to get married. Most people have individuals that they are more attracted to than they are their spouses. Developing a slight crush on someone outside of your marriage also isn't uncommon. Those are normal human feelings. Without those feelings people wouldn't get married or have sex to begin with. The only thing that matters is if they do or don't act on those feelings.

You have no evidence that she has ever actually acted on any normal feelings most everyone has.

Thank you. A big fear i have had for many years is that she had grown out of love for me, when we first got together she was also quite unsure, and we have both talked about previous experiences, and also her not thinking about me etc. To be lied to about something for several months, when she knew it would be uncomfortable, also gave me the impression that she wasn't thinking about my feelings etc etc, and we have done a lot of deep talking together. She agrees that she has not been showing up the past few years, especially after kids. It is not so much the cheating, but indeed a fear that she is going to leave me one day, and because I already had this fear, when this then happened it just made the whole thing feel a lot worse. Definitely something for a therapist to help with, and we have agreed to go together, she has also agreed to do more to show up and notice me more, as she agrees that it has definitely been one sided a long time.

 

10 year anniversary I bought her a necklace, I didnt even get a card, and there are so many more examples, that had me doubting my value to her, obviously this is all stuff for a therapist though I know. 

 

You are also unaware of the past 12 years of our relationship together, and perhaps if you had all that info it may help, but I appreciate this is not the best place to go over deep stuff, with complete strangers.. I probably should have avoided coming here and just straight to a therapist with her anyway, I guess I just wanted to see what people think honestly.

 

Thanks for the input, ill probably be taking this post down now anyway, as I need to also get out of the negative thoughts for the sake of me and her to move forward and resolve things together, which we both agreed just today that we want to do.

 

 

 

 

[Sony12]

Probably best you do take it to a professional. All anybody here can do is respond to what you have actually said within this thread. This entire thread has just been about an outing she had with some gf's to check good looking guys out. If there is more to the situation then that you obviously haven't mentioned it.

[mranonymous]

36 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Probably best you do take it to a professional. All anybody here can do is respond to what you have actually said within this thread. This entire thread has just been about an outing she had with some gf's to check good looking guys out. If there is more to the situation then that you obviously haven't mentioned it.

Thanks. Yea I think this was the final thing, where I erupted and we nearly finished completely. Sad times, but i think we can get it back with some time and assurance/therapy and so on