She wants to go clubbing every Thursday, I just want more time together

[murra]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and it’s been one of the best periods of my life. We’re both med students, so free time is really limited. Lately, though, we’ve been arguing more, especially about how we spend the little time we have.

This year I’m behind on exams and won’t be in class with her. We just found out Fridays are free, so no early wake-ups. As soon as she heard this, she said she wants to go clubbing every Thursday, since she loves it. I really don’t enjoy clubbing, and I was hoping we could use Thursday nights for some proper quality time—not just quick study breaks like during the week (this year we met on evenings around 2 times a week from 9 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. or we studied together during the day if this wasn't possible but I don't like it at all)

She says we’ll still have Friday and Saturday nights, but she often goes home on weekends, so that’s not always true. She agreed not to go clubbing on the Thursdays when she’s away, but that still leaves most weeks.

To be clear: I don’t have a problem with her going clubbing—she did that last year too—but doing it this often, at the expense of our time together, does bother me. I told her I don’t mind her spending time with friends, but I don’t think it’s fair to give up our one proper evening for that, especially when we barely see each other Monday to Wednesday.

Maybe I’m being too clingy? I just feel like we don’t value our time together the same way.

Edited Monday at 03:49 PM by murra

[Els]

You don't want to give up your "one proper evening with her", but she also doesn't want to give up her "one proper evening with friends doing what she loves". Neither of you is wrong, but you might be incompatible.

That being said, I've dated people in med school... and I don't understand how you can't spend time together on other evenings? There aren't usually classes in the evening. Yes you have to study but you don't have to study every single evening ALL year. How is it that you two can only make 5 hours per week for each other? Is either of you working part time as well?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, murra said:

Maybe I’m being too clingy?

I don't think so., no. 

It seems you two have very different priorities when it comes to your relationship, though: 

3 hours ago, murra said:

I just feel like we don’t value our time together the same way.

You're right aboutt that. She's okay with much less time together than you are. You might want to reflect on that, and where your connection is really at these days. 

1 hour ago, Els said:

How is it that you two can only make 5 hours per week for each other?

I wonder this, too. 

[murra]

1 hour ago, Els said:

You don't want to give up your "one proper evening with her", but she also doesn't want to give up her "one proper evening with friends doing what she loves". Neither of you is wrong, but you might be incompatible.

That being said, I've dated people in med school... and I don't understand how you can't spend time together on other evenings? There aren't usually classes in the evening. Yes you have to study but you don't have to study every single evening ALL year. How is it that you two can only make 5 hours per week for each other? Is either of you working part time as well?

Because she goes to gym 2 times a week in the evening

[Els]

2 hours ago, murra said:

Because she goes to gym 2 times a week in the evening

Okay, but people usually have 6 hours from the time that classes finish til the time they go to bed, and you can't gym for 6 hours...

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. She should be able to go clubbing on the one night a week that she can sleep in. The question here is why doesn't she feel like spending more than 5 hours with you the rest of the week?

[BaileyB]

Is there a reason why she needs to go home “often” on the weekend? I mean - most people excited about a new relationship will decrease the weekends at home to stay at school to spend time with their new partner - you know what I’m saying. Add to that, she is in med school - weekends are for studying. At least, they were when I went to university… Go out in the evening, study for a few hours or all day Sunday. 

Relationships are negotiated - if she choses to go home for the weekend, my expectation would be that she spends Thursday night with me. I would hope that she choses over time to invest more in school/the relationship and the interval between visits home starts to increase… and if it doesn’t, that means you are not really compatible in the way that you prioritize your time/relationship and that may need to give you pause to reconsider…

[murra]

14 hours ago, Els said:

Okay, but people usually have 6 hours from the time that classes finish til the time they go to bed, and you can't gym for 6 hours...

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. She should be able to go clubbing on the one night a week that she can sleep in. The question here is why doesn't she feel like spending more than 5 hours with you the rest of the week?

We study in those 6 hours, we need to study the whole day

[ExpatInItaly]

I dont't see how this relationship is going to survive, at this rate. 

Your barely have any time for each other, and she isn't as keen to devote what little free time she has to you. 

[enterthevoid]

You're not wrong for wanting a partner you can see regularly.  She's also not wrong with spending her time how she wants to.

It seems like you are both incompatible, and you're better off finding someone who can give you what you want.

[Els]

4 hours ago, murra said:

We study in those 6 hours, we need to study the whole day

If this is genuinely how both of you feel about it (and again, as I said, not all med students share this belief), then I think you're just not in the right place to have a relationship at the moment. Friendships are an important part of college and she should be able to spend 1 night a week with her friends. So maybe you two should just take dating off the table until you're done with med school.

Although frankly, if both of you can't find more than 5 hours a week for your partner during med school, you're not gonna find it during residency years. So maybe start dating after you've completed residency I guess...?

Edited 13 hours ago by Els

[BaileyB]

To be fair, if you are both in med school this may be your relationship if your schedules are compatible - meeting for lunch, studying together. I know many people who dated others for exactly this reason - you can spend a lot of time together attending class/studying. You just need to set your expectations accordingly. 

When I was in school, I spent my weekends studying. I would go out in the evening and work or study during the day. She has competing demands for her time - school, friends, family, and boyfriend. Maybe she doesn’t have time for a relationship, or maybe you negotiate and set your expectations understanding that this is a very busy time of life…

Edited 13 hours ago by BaileyB