Boyfriend uses phone a lot but doesn’t message me

[photographer02]

Hey! I’m 32, a guy, I have a boyfriend of 3 years. He’s 30. 

Sometimes I feel like something isn’t right so maybe that’s not helping, but although I ask him if everything is ok and he always says yes/he loves me, I still get worried! 

If he’s out with friends, I will get no messages from him until he’s home. It could be 4-6 hours later. I would never tell anyone to go on their phone around friends, you have to enjoy the time, have a good laugh etc. However what I do - say if I’m out with friends and if I’m walking to a bathroom or something, I’ll quickly send him a message. I don’t get anything like that.

When we’re together, if he gets a notification on his Apple Watch, he’ll look at it. He’ll then go on his phone, open it/read it, and reply. This will even be if we’re cuddling and just relaxing/spending time together (due to work sometimes we don’t see one another for a week - we don’t live together). 

It just makes me feel a bit worthless maybe? He must see messages come up from me on his watch when he’s out, and not reply for 4-6 hours or so? Yet when we’re being intimate/cuddling, he’s checking his watch/phone.

Again, I’m not saying he needs to reply instantly. If he’s out, I’ll only send one or two messages. I won’t keep disturbing him. But he must see my messages and ignore it?

It just makes me feel like I’m not good enough? I don’t know what to do? What do you think? Or am I just being stupid?

Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, photographer02 said:

. However what I do - say if I’m out with friends and if I’m walking to a bathroom or something, I’ll quickly send him a message. I don’t get anything like that.

I don't do this either actually. I wouldn't really see the need to text my partner if I'm out with friends, unless I have something important to share with hin. It wouldn't mean I didn't care or wasn't thinking about him, but I also don't really feel the need for check-ins if I'm spending time with other people. 

2 hours ago, photographer02 said:

He must see messages come up from me on his watch when he’s out, and not reply for 4-6 hours or so?

What sort of messages do you send him when he's out? Is it something that warrants a prompt reply? 

2 hours ago, photographer02 said:

Yet when we’re being intimate/cuddling, he’s checking his watch/phone.

This would irritate me though, as it would tell me he's too distracted to really focus on the moment with me.  I can't stand when someone with one of these watches is constantly distracted by it  and its every notification. Same goes for folks who cannot stay off their phones. 

I think your expectation about comnunication when he's out may be too much, but have you spoken to him about interrupting intimacy to check his devices? 

 

[photographer02]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't do this either actually. I wouldn't really see the need to text my partner if I'm out with friends, unless I have something important to share with hin. It wouldn't mean I didn't care or wasn't thinking about him, but I also don't really feel the need for check-ins if I'm spending time with other people. 

What sort of messages do you send him when he's out? Is it something that warrants a prompt reply? 

This would irritate me though, as it would tell me he's too distracted to really focus on the moment with me.  I can't stand when someone with one of these watches is constantly distracted by it  and its every notification. Same goes for folks who cannot stay off their phones. 

I think your expectation about comnunication when he's out may be too much, but have you spoken to him about interrupting intimacy to check his devices? 

 

Wow thank you for your reply!

About the messages I sent - it was around 2am, I was trying to check if he was ok and I was heading to bed and I wanted to say goodnight. 
 

With the intimacy - I think this is why I worry about not getting messages when he’s out. Again, I don’t expect someone to be on their phone when they are out with friends.

 

But to be having a cute moment with him, and he’s looking at his watch or going on his phone when I’m there with him? - when sometimes it goes around a week or longer before we can see one another… I just don’t appreciate that and it upsets me a lot. I just think… oh you can message people when you’re with me and haven’t seen me in ages, but you can’t message me to let me know you’re safe?  

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, photographer02 said:

But to be having a cute moment with him, and he’s looking at his watch or going on his phone when I’m there with him? - when sometimes it goes around a week or longer before we can see one another… I just don’t appreciate that and it upsets me a lot.

Again, I'll ask you: have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? 

[photographer02]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, I'll ask you: have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? 

I have once before and he replied “well you check your phone in front of me”

Yes I do, to check if it’s an important/emergency kind of text. But I’ve never gone on my phone if we’re cuddling/being intimate/busy together. 
 

For example I’d check my phone if he was on his phone, or if we weren’t having a conversation or something! 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/27/2025 at 1:35 PM, photographer02 said:

I have once before and he replied “well you check your phone in front of me”

And how did you respond to that?