Why am I jealous about an old flame?

[MrHansh]

Hi

I've been dating a woman for 12 months and everything is going well. We work together and have done for 20 years so we know each other well. Both of us are divorced with kids.

I recently joined Instagram and was looking through her followers to add people from work and noticed that she follows a man who she had a fling with before she met her ex husband (whom cheated on her, hence divorce) The fling also worked at our establishment at the time and he had a gf... He eventually moved to the other side of the world with his gf within 12 months of them having said fling. I don't know how it ended, all I know that is was a secret but not to secret office romance.

He likes her photos but doesn't comment. He also follows others from our workplace and likes their photos. (Yes I checked). My gf has only been on Instagram for about 5 years so she wouldn't have been his instagram friend whilst they had their thing. So now I wonder who followed who and why? Crazy, I know.

I totally trust her and I'm sure it's just noseyness (shes very nosey and will openly say this), she lost a lot of weight since they had their thing and got married (then divorced) so maybe it was to show him that she has moved on?! I don't know.

She had a lot of casual relationships when she was younger as she wasn't ready to settle down, which I struggled with. Mainly due to the fact that I didn't and wish I had explored a little more and feel like I missed out. I sometimes get upset at not making a move earlier (although she made the move on me) and it makes me jealous when looking back at her younger self thinking I missed out on that period with her when she was starting to settle down with more serious boyfriends. I'm not a jealous person but for some reason with her I am. It's like I feel I missed out on thay chance, although we are together today. Insane, I know. I'm OK with it now but at the time I couldn't stop thinking about it, same with this. I just need to rationalise it but I can't see the wood for the trees. It's keeping me up at night and I don't know why!!!!!

Is it normal to be friends with your ex fwb? Especially when you've become social media friends years after your fling or am I just making myself crazy?!!

 

Edited yesterday at 10:38 AM by MrHansh

[Sony12]

You clearly don't completely trust her which is understandable given her dating history with her having flings with people who were already in with someone.

Probably 90-95% of people's social media friends are just individuals they knew at one point in their life so it's no surprise that they are from their social media apps. Likely nothing to worry about currently especially if he still lives on the other side of the world.

The more concerning thing is that if she took part in a cheating situation once the chances are better that she would do it again.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, MrHansh said:

She had a lot of casual relationships when she was younger as she wasn't ready to settle down, which I struggled with. Mainly due to the fact that I didn't and wish I had explored a little more and feel like I missed out.

There’s your answer. Your insecurity and false sense of inferiority are what’s causing these retroactive jealousy problems.

You have to understand that any jealousy is a harmful, self-destructive emotion. Retroactive jealousy is even worse because it means torturing yourself over something nobody will ever be able to change.

Accept and embrace your girlfriend’s past, because it is what has shaped her into the woman that you love now.

As for your perceived lack of prior sexual escapades, you’ll need to make peace with that. Either you’ve “sown your seeds” sufficiently or you haven’t. In the first case, just forget about the fact that your girlfriend has done it to a larger degree, because it’s not a competition. If, however, you feel you haven’t played the field enough, better break up with her, because she deserves someone who isn’t craving for casual sex with other women.

 

1 hour ago, MrHansh said:

Is it normal to be friends with your ex fwb?

Absolutely normal.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MrHansh said:

She had a lot of casual relationships when she was younger as she wasn't ready to settle down, which I struggled with. Mainly due to the fact that I didn't and I wish I had explored a little more and I feel like I missed out.

Your issue isn’t really about her, it’s about you - based on this comment. 

This man with whom she and the entire office is instagram friends with is not a threat to your relationship. 
 

2 hours ago, MrHansh said:

I sometimes get upset at not making a move earlier and it makes me jealous when looking back at her younger self thinking I missed out on that period with her when she was starting to settle down with more serious boyfriends. It's like I feel I missed out on that chance, although we are together today. 

It’s ok to wish that you had found each other sooner - I wish that I had found my husband sooner, we would have had a child together. But, I can’t go back and change the past, that’s just reality. I’m grateful to have met him and we have a great relationship now. 

If you are not able to switch the narrative and continue to focus on these negative, obtrusive thoughts, I would suggest that you get some counselling, if you can. 

 

[MrHansh]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Your issue isn’t really about her, it’s about you - based on this comment. 

This man with whom she and the entire office is instagram friends with is not a threat to your relationship. 
 

It’s ok to wish that you had found each other sooner - I wish that I had found my husband sooner, we would have had a child together. But, I can’t go back and change the past, that’s just reality. I’m grateful to have met him and we have a great relationship now. 

If you are not able to switch the narrative and continue to focus on these negative, obtrusive thoughts, I would suggest that you get some counselling, if you can. 

 

I know it's about me and its not her. I'm just struggling a little. Ironically he only follows 4 people, all pretty girls

Retro anxiety is real.

[MrHansh]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There’s your answer. Your insecurity and false sense of inferiority are what’s causing these retroactive jealousy problems.

You have to understand that any jealousy is a harmful, self-destructive emotion. Retroactive jealousy is even worse because it means torturing yourself over something nobody will ever be able to change.

Accept and embrace your girlfriend’s past, because it is what has shaped her into the woman that you love now.

As for your perceived lack of prior sexual escapades, you’ll need to make peace with that. Either you’ve “sown your seeds” sufficiently or you haven’t. In the first case, just forget about the fact that your girlfriend has done it to a larger degree, because it’s not a competition. If, however, you feel you haven’t played the field enough, better break up with her, because she deserves someone who isn’t craving for casual sex with other women.

 

Absolutely normal.

I agree with everything you said and I think I just needed someone external to tell me what I already know. Its just being blocked by these negative thoughts. Thank you

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you are not able to switch the narrative and continue to focus on these negative, obtrusive thoughts, I would suggest that you get some counselling, if you can. 

I agree. Any of us can be capable of twisting just about anything into a threat or a regret that sabotages our own happiness. But if you believe that you are incapable of controlling such an impulse, then hiring someone who is trained to help you do that would be wise.

People tend to have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax expert for expertise in areas that they, themselves, lack. So why would your quality of life be any different regarding a relationship that could otherwise thrive if you step out of your own way to seek the kind of help you may need?

[MsJayne]

You're probably blowing it up into something it wasn't. I'm friends with an ex-partner from nearly 40 years ago, we chat on the 'phone every couple of months, and a couple of boyfriends have had a huge problem with it. They convince themselves that because we're still in contact there must be some secret regret going on, but there isn't. I like him because he makes me laugh, he has a wicked sense of humour, but I also know that he's a total wanker who's madly in love with himself, and that's why I left him and now find him exceedingly unattractive. You're right though, retro jealousy is real, it's a horrible feeling that you've got someone else's leftovers, but I believe it's caused by your partner exaggerating the importance of a particular relationship. It's highly likely that your gf's ex-fling couldn't care less if she dropped off his Instagram radar because their office affair was cheap and shallow and she means absolutely nothing to him. 

[ThorLyonsSalem]

Whatever the case may be, the past is the past.  There is not one person reading this who doesn't have a skeleton or two in the closet.  Maybe you had a few too many drinks, did drugs, spent a weekend with someone you shouldn't have.  Or something far more serious?  It can and does happen of course.

Just let it go.  

[basil67]

A friend is a person who's company we seek out (whether online, face to face, phone or text) to have long discussions and sharing of thoughts and feelings.   What you're describing is not remotely a friendship.   Rather, it's a just an IG connection where they don't even talk - they just acknowledge photos.  

A normal IG profile has strangers we follow because we like their feed, acquaintances we met once, randoms from our past and actual true friends.   He's not a true friend, he's more of a random person from her past