11 yrs. After D-day, daughter still won’t accept my new husband

[heartbrokenmom]

11 yrs. ago I left my husband of 23 yrs. & still remain with my AP.  My youngest daughter was 16 at the time, and discovered the affair.  It has been a rough decade to navigate thru special occasions, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc.  Had I known the severe consequence of limited time with my youngest, I may have sacrificed my happiness & made a different choice!  However, that is not possible.  We do have a good relationship, but she has set very strong boundaries.   Recently she got engaged and I’m soo happy for her!   She is having her wedding out of state, and I will be going alone since OM is not allowed in her life.  Because of this, my 5 closest friends will accompany me without their husbands since my husband won’t be there.   I have accepted her choice, and have made peace with it.  Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation?   I continue to hang on to a glimmer of hope that one day she will be able to be in the same room as my new husband.  He has been very supportive, & mostly just feels bad for the pain I endure with the limited mother/daughter relationship I have.  The next step in her life will be having a baby.  I think she may really need my help with babysitting, support, etc. , but do I continue to allow her to call all the shots?  I am not looking for sympathy, simply wondering how much do I accept this punishment, shame, and guilt????

Also, i will be financially contributing to the wedding (& my new husbands name will be on the check as it is OUR money).  Thoughts?

[Gebidozo]

It’s strange that you are seemingly regretting your choice of partner and willing to retrospectively sacrifice your happiness with him because of your daughter’s feelings about that and her subsequent actions.

Your daughter has no obligation to like your new partner. She is feeling what she is feeling, and you have to simply respect her choice to not interact with him. You shouldn’t regard her behavior as punishment or something that brings shame to you.

She hasn’t severed contact with you and even invited you to her wedding. What does it matter whether your new husband attends or not? I think you should be glad that she  is in a good relationship with you. You can hope that one day her attitude to your new husband will change, but as long as it doesn’t, just respect her wishes.

My situation has some similarities to yours: my partner’s parents don’t accept me and refuse to meet me because they want their daughter to be with her former partner and not with me. I’m not invited to any and all family gatherings on any occasion. This has been going on for almost 3 years. An unpleasant situation, to be sure, but there is nothing I can do, so I don’t harbor any hopes. The important thing that my relationship with my partner can function regardless of her parents’ approval or disapproval.

[BaileyB]

I have a friend in a similar situation - her mother had a life altering medical event, and her father had an affair and left her mother. She never accepted the affair partner in her life (that relationship has now ended). Her children spent time with their grandfather but she asked that his girlfriend/affair partner not be present during those visits. It’s been years - she has a cordial relationship with her Dad now but I would not say that they are close. In fact, her father recently remarried another woman and she went to the wedding.
 

8 hours ago, heartbrokenmom said:

I will be financially contributing to the wedding (& my new husbands name will be on the check as it is OUR money). Thoughts?

I’m going to be blunt because you asked - this kind of passive aggressive behavior would reinforce for me that I need to maintain a strong boundary with you. You say that you have accepted/are respecting her decision but you’re really not - you are going to use the opportunity of her wedding to push your relationship with your husband on her and pressure/guilt her into accepting this relationship. Not ok. That would really make me angry - I would not want to deal with this on the occasion of my wedding. I don’t know how she will respond but I would be very tempted to tell you to keep your money… 

My advice to you - it is her day, put aside your own feelings on this one day to celebrate your daughter. It’s not about you - this day is about her. 

You can give her cash or a money order. Giving your daughter a cheque with your husband/affair partners name on it “because it is OUR money” is a power play that is very transparent and it will not help your relationship - particularly if your goal is reconciliation.

Edited July 24 by BaileyB

[ShySoul]

On 7/23/2025 at 9:42 PM, heartbrokenmom said:

I am not looking for sympathy, simply wondering how much do I accept this punishment, shame, and guilt????

Why do you view this as shame, punishment, and guilt? Is she saying anything to make you feel that way? Or is that coming from within you?

Viewing it in those terms is holding you back and making you feel worse about it. From what I see, she has accepted you and your decisions and has extended herself to you with love. She has made you a part of her life even when she could have shut you out entirely. You have a daughter who includes you and care for you. You have a husband who loves and supports you, accepting what is an uncomfortable situation for all involved. Things may not be perfect, but it is pretty good.

My father got engaged while he was still married to my mother. They were in the process of a divorce, just starting the process when he immediately jumped to someone else. I never liked this other woman and tried to not associate with her except when necessary. But I didn't want to shame or punish either of them. I just didn't feel okay with being around her given what had happened (and there is a lot more to the story that makes it very messy). Not being around her kept things neutral. They could have their relationship, I could have my own with my father. It kept the peace and prevented any bad feelings.

I was able to be in the same room with her, even rode in the limo next to her during my father's funeral. I haven't spoken to her since, but I still wish her well and don't wish harm to her. There is always a chance your daughter may be able to be around him in the future. For now, enjoy the relationship you have and focus on making it as good as possible. The closer you are with each other, more comfortable she feels and more chance that some day she may be able to resolve whatever feelings she has about everything.

[ShySoul]

On 7/23/2025 at 9:42 PM, heartbrokenmom said:

Also, i will be financially contributing to the wedding (& my new husbands name will be on the check as it is OUR money).  Thoughts?

This is doing a nice thing and trying to help her out. If she has a problem with his name being on a check, that is her problem. I would hope on her wedding day she has more important things on her mind then holding a grudge against someone who is doing nothing more then wishing her well and trying to contribute in some small way to her happiness.

All you or your husband can do is be supportive and reach her where she is at. Let her know you are there for her if she needs you and do what you can to assist her. Don't force or push anything, don't read into things. Just stay steady and keep things civil. When (or if) she is ready for more, she will make the move. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Viewing it in those terms is holding you back and making you feel worse about it. From what I see, she has accepted you and your decisions and has extended herself to you with love. She has made you a part of her life even when she could have shut you out entirely. You have a daughter who includes you and care for you.

Well said. I could not agree more.
 

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If she has a problem with his name being on a check, that is her problem. I would hope on her wedding day she has more important things on her mind then holding a grudge against someone who is doing nothing more then wishing her well and trying to contribute in some small way to her happiness.

As I said above, I still think it’s an unnecessary dig. But hopefully, as you say, she won’t let it ruin her day. I would just urge OP to reconsider, there are other ways to do it that don’t stir the pot at your daughter’s wedding. Better days and better ways to have this discussion…

Edited July 27 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

She's punishing you for breaking up the family. She loves you and doesn't want to cut you off completely so dumping her anger on your partner is the only way she can express it, but don't be misled, she's still angry at you. The weddings of daughter's from broken families raise all sorts of issues, not least of all when an aggrieved ex-spouse refuses to attend if the other ex-spouse if going to be there with a new partner, sometimes the daughter has a step-father walk her down to the aisle, sometimes step-parents are excluded altogether, etc, etc. Having a lasting relationship with an AP doesn't make it any less offensive to children or spouses who were disregarded when those long-past events took place, the feeling that an outsider was more important than your family never goes away. Perhaps an honest discussion and some sincere apologies for the hurt caused might go some way towards repairing the damage. If your ex-husband was abusive there's some mitigation to your choice of action, but if he's a nice guy then in your kids eyes you will always be the villain of the piece. 

[Sony12]

She caught you cheating and that was likely a very traumatic event for her. I really don't blame her. You really probably should have separated from your husband before you began the affair.