Boyfriend confessed that he is “incapable” of having my back.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. He’s 43 and I’m 35. We’re still in early stages and haven’t yet told our mutual friends about us, but have been planning to soon. He did ask me to go “official” a few weeks ago but I said I need some more time.

Things are generally great- he’s often told me how he values the strong emotional connection that we have which he said he’s not had in previous relationships, and the similar values that we share such as the importance of family (he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, whom I’m yet to meet). He loves how open I am with telling him how I feel; something he said his ex wife often left him in the dark with which contributed to their split at the end of last year. 

He always treats me very well, as I him, and we have a great time together which he’s often expressed. However, something that’s come up now and then is how he doesn’t have my back.

One of our mutual friends, whom he met through me, but is more of an acquaintance of his than a friend, has been quite disrespectful to me now and then, on the back of asking me out himself and getting (gently) refused. I’ve told my boyfriend about this but he was nonchalant about it, trying to be objective and make excuses for the other guy’s behaviour.

Some of our other friends who have heard and seen exactly the same things relating to this person’s treatment of me have shown more passion and sense of injustice at how this guy has been treating me than my boyfriend himself. The other day my boyfriend witnessed it again, on a group chat, but did nothing. I asked him behind the scenes if he could please come on and say something as my partner. He subsequently did to some degree but then complained how he felt I was treating him “like a puppet”. All I asked him was to come on and support me since this guy was trying to say something about me that wasn’t true and my boyfriend knew it, but his rationale for not coming on was that he thought I was “doing fine” in responding to the guy myself.

My boyfriend has often used the excuse that I’m a strong and independent woman whom he’d not imagine to “need help”, but multiple times I’ve tried to tell him that it still means a lot to me to have a partner stand by my side in support of me when someone is being disrespectful like this man. In my view a partnership should be ‘you and me against the world’, not one person leaving the other to their own devices when they’re being disrespected while they just stand and watch like a lemon. I should also say that my boyfriend is a big advocate for feminism; there are books on this on his shelf (I did get a little surprised when I first saw this upon first coming to his house), but I feel he doesn’t know where to draw a line with this and be ‘a man’ for a woman in a relationship.

My boyfriend does promise that he’ll try to be better in this area but it happens again and again, being the prime source of arguments between us, culminating in a 
recent telephone conversation we had where my boyfriend admitted he is “incapable” of having my back. This is not something he’s ever said before. I challenged him on this and said how I always have his back, to which my boyfriend said yes, I’ve always had his back and he knows that. But he is just “incapable of having mine”.

My boyfriend also has a new coping strategy where after any argument, he just disappears for days, ignores any attempts from me to communicate, and I’m left in the dark about when or if he’s coming back. I’ve often told him how this disappearance makes me feel and how it benefits me to have communication to talk through things rather than this, and he promises to do it differently but lo and behold it happens again. I should say that this vanishing is a new thing he’s started doing in recent weeks; before that we always managed to talk through misunderstandings and this brought us closer together and reach a deeper level of understanding of each other. My boyfriend often commented on this himself, saying how he loves how I understand him well and a lot better than his ex did, and how the resolving misunderstandings together was one of the things that really drew him to me and brought us closer together emotionally. But unfortunately he’s not been feeling this recently, and has been doing these disappearances, and checking out of the relationship I feel.

I am wondering what to do and would love some advice. Thank you 
 

 

Edited Wednesday at 03:39 PM by babybrowns

[Gebidozo]

There are so many red flags here.

First, he complains about his ex, which is normally not a good sign.

Second, he is unable to offer you simple words of support.

Third, his disappearances are quite outrageous. Why would you want to be with a person who doesn’t seem to know the basic rules of communication?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait a minute. 

This is the same man you complained about before for not wanting you to carry down the stairs, right? The one you complained about not wanting to fight off a hypothetical attacker but instead choosing to walk away from the hypothetical attack? 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My boyfriend also has a new coping strategy where after any argument, he just disappears for days, ignores any attempts from me to communicate

I think he is getting tried of this relationship and your complaints, honestly. Is it mature of him to handle it this way? No it's not. He should use his words and communicate that he's  probably on his way out. But I also strongly get the impression that you aren't the easiest to deal with, either. I don't mean to be unkind but your past threads about him reveal a laundry list of complaints, some of them quite absurd. 

My guess is that a break-up is coming, and it will be him who pulls the plug. 

Edited Wednesday at 06:15 PM by ExpatInItaly

[flitzanu]

there's a lot of context missing here.

just because he is your boyfriend doesn't mean he has to blindly "have your back" in every possible situation.  people make decsions and choices and are responsible for those actions.

if my gf woke up and wanted to go slaughter panda bears and cause their extinction, no, i wouldn't "have her back" and would be quite incapable of having her back.  

 

and as youve described this, no one knows this is your boyfriend.  so if your other friends are so uncomfortable about this guy's behavior, why aren't they "having your back" about it publicly, since that's what this boyfriend is...your friend, because it is a secret about dating?

this other man in the friend group is hitting on you in front of your "boyfriend" because the both of you can't actually tell the same group that you are dating, so what is he going to say?  "hey that's my girlfriend" because no...he can't say that.  in your scenario you want him to come off as a white knight saving you for what, as a man that isn't your boyfriend telling another man to "stop hitting on her"?  

 

 

[swirlingcloud]

He has a right to deal with his conflicts the way he think is right for him. To have a fight online in some group chat that you chose to get yourself involved with is to me not the adult thing to do, it will not solve anything, I'm afraid. To then get dissapointed in him for not joining and showing everyone he agree with you and say he do not have your back is of course something you are entitled to feel, but then again I for one would not join something of the sort no matter if my partner was chosing and being wrapped up in it. It is not my thing. It sounds to me as if it is not his thing as well. You need to respect that. You two can have different ways of dealing with conflicts with other people. Could it be you push and push so much he feels like a puppet on a string? Can it be that your feelings take up too much space? Only your perspective? Do you understand where he is coming from? He is avoiding you for days in a row and you have no idea when he is back again, big warning sign. I'm sorry, I get a feeling you're dominating him with all your feelings and your critique of him.

There are sadly signs you are insecure and need reasurements with both him and you comparing with his ex, who gets too much space too in this relationship, you both doing that. 

If you hold on going official it is going to be confusing, if not impossible how others are going to view the both of you. Me and my husband would for instance find ourselves in awkward situations when at times socializing as other people, guests there did not know we were a couple. We simply did not act like the rest, we were not close by one another,  he had been taught one way on how to socialize (mixed culture) that simply was not the way to go where we now were, other types of social rules. I was not one to run after him. He figured he would socialize with the males only. He had been taught not to show physical display from home, so really it was our fault that nobody recognized us as a couple. At best they thought we were siblings, related. Yea. We had to take ownership in that. You and he have not gone official. How is this other guy suppose to know he can't hit on you if he thinks you are single? It would be strange and revealing if your bf right then and there, at full speed, stepped into the picture, no? It should be more than enough with you going thanks, but no, I am not interested in you like that-sort of reply.

[stillafool]

If one of my male friends continued to be appropriate with me by asking me out, knowing I have a boyfriend, and making stupid comments I would end the friendship myself.  I wouldn't even tell my boyfriend about it.   Why are you still friends with a guy who is disrespectful to you and your boyfriend?  I would expect my boyfriend to do the exact same thing if one of his girl friends were coming on to him.

Edited Wednesday at 09:36 PM by stillafool

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My boyfriend also has a new coping strategy where after any argument, he just disappears for days, ignores any attempts from me to communicate, and I’m left in the dark about when or if he’s coming back. 

This is not a coping strategy, it's a punishment. He's stonewalling you, a form of punishment often used by someone high in narcissistic traits. Feeling like your partner doesn't have your back is another flag for this, (the only person whose back they have is their own), and so is denigrating a previous partner, (that's how they tell you what you're not allowed to do - manipulation). If he had genuine feelings for you he would be offended, and possibly jealous, when his so-called friend hits on you. My advice is get in first and dump him asap because disappearing for days on end is usually a sign that the sudden end of the relationship is coming very soon. 

https://www.simplypsychology.org/stonewalling-narcissists.html#Signs-That-a-Narcissist-is-Stonewalling-You

[ShyViolet]

There are a lot of very strange things in your post.  So this guy is your boyfriend, and you've been dating for months, but the relationship is a secret and you haven't told any of your friends about it?  And he asked you to be official but you said you weren't ready?  Something is off about that.  Add in his recent behavior of ghosting you for days at a time every time you have a disagreement, and this relationship sounds very unhealthy and strange.

Furthermore, if your friend is disrespecting you, then the normal thing to do is stop being friends with the person and stop talking to him.  You shouldn't need your boyfriend to fight your battles for you and go say something to the guy.  That is a weird expectation.  You are an adult, if a so-called friend has been acting disrespectful to you then you put a stop to it yourself, you tell them that their behavior is unacceptable and you are not OK with it, and if it continues then you cut the person off and simply stop talking to them.  You don't stick around and let it continue and then try to drag your boyfriend into some drama.  This all sounds really ridiculous.

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is the same man you complained about before for not wanting you to carry down the stairs, right? The one you complained about not wanting to fight off a hypothetical attacker but instead choosing to walk away from the hypothetical attack? 

Thanks for making that connection, EI. OP, you've already complained about this guy not fitting your manly-man fantasy about your ideal prince charming. So, c'mOn. You're within your rights to dump him if you so desire, but sticking around to set him up as a pawn to fight your battles is even more ridiculous.

You have not revealed your romantic status to your friend group, and yet you want the guy to step up (to do who-knows-what, exactly) in front of this group? And you hold up friends' comments as evidence that he 'should' behave like your protector--but why would they say this without even knowing that he's your BF?

The guy you've turned down as exclusive doesn't owe you anything. It sounds as though he's already recognizing that, himself. If you want to keep engaging with someone who is disrespectful to you, then that's on you. If you want to dump the BF for being too smart to pretzel himself to cater to your fantasies, then go ahead. He's probably contemplating doing that himself whenever you set him up as your patsy over stupid stuff.

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

The guy you've turned down as exclusive doesn't owe you anything. It sounds as though he's already recognizing that,

Yes, exactly. 

OP, you seem to lack a lot of insight into how your own behaviour and choices contribute to these problems. I don't think this relationship is going to last much longer anyway,, but hopefully you will do some reflecting on how you can approach dating more matrurely and effectively next time. 

He isn't the omly problem here. 

[IrinaM]

Why is your new boyfriend and a man you've romantically rejected part of the same group chat? 

[babybrowns]

Hi all,

Thanks for your posts so far. 

There seems to be a misconception coming through in the posts that I “need” my boyfriend to fight my battles. This isn’t the case. This is about knowing your partner has your back and will happily support you when you are being disrespected. It is because I don’t seem to “need it” that he feels he doesn’t have to do it, despite me talking about it with him multiple times. I have done it for him, which he acknowledges, and I would like him to do it for me as well. I think we can all agree that a partnership is showing support and solidarity with one another when the other person is the target of unprovoked disrespect.

Secondly, yes this is the same man I had posted about before. For the benefit of those who haven’t read the other post from a couple of months back and might mistake it to revolve around being carried down the stairs, this was not the case. I came on here to seek help with unpacking my thoughts on this man’s sense of masculinity. He has often made jokes about the fact that he is not manly, and I have overlooked it, until it manifested in more serious ways since then. Hence this post.

Not having my back is unfortunately another symptom of his advocating for feminism to the extent of having books on feminism on the shelf beside his bed, to an extent beyond that appropriate for a heterosexual relationship. His view is that independent and strong women shouldn’t need help in any sense. He doesn’t understand that this isn’t about needing help; it’s about a woman having respect for a man who is able to step up for his partner rather than simply be a bystander.

I had an incident with a previous boyfriend many years ago where I was sexually assaulted in a bar right in front of him and he did nothing, and since then I’ve been very careful with who I let in. Do I need them to fight my battles on my behalf? No. Do I want them to show support as my trusted partner? Yes. This man unfortunately seems to be of this same category as the man I refer to. 

And lastly, I told my boyfriend about this mutual friend’s disrespectful behaviour after it had been going on for a month. All our other mutual friends know and have seen it themselves as well. I didn’t need my boyfriend to be unpleasant with him on the group chat, but like others have done of their own volition, it would be nice to see positive support from him on a public platform, not as a boyfriend but just as a friend. To just leave it when I’ve always done it for him (incidentally when the same guy has been disrespectful to him on there) is poor.

My boyfriend said his ex wife was also a strong and independent woman and was also the main breadwinner in the household with her busy career, while he was a stay-at-home dad looking after the children, only applying for a job when she was leaving him last year. He was with her for 20 years. A lot of problems, he said, revolved around her not expressing her needs to him.

Even though I also have a good career and am a strong and independent woman, this other lady seemed to have less feminine needs than I do in a relationship, or atleast didn’t express them, and he has said that being with me “has been helping him rediscover his masculinity”. Unfortunately he is not as far ahead on this journey that he needs to be in order for me to have trust and respect for him as a man who can be my partner. It is difficult though, since the emotional connection that we have, perhaps another trait of his feminine side, is very strong and something we both value.

 

Edited Thursday at 12:57 PM by babybrowns

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It is difficult though, since the emotional connection that we have, perhaps another trait of his feminine side, is very strong and something we both value.

This sentence alone is enough to make me modify my previous advice to you.

Whatever your boyfriend’s problems are, I think you’d do yourself a favor if you concentrated on your own problematic view of masculinity and femininity.

Speaking for myself, I can only say that I would also begin to disappear (actually more likely break up straight away) if my partner thought that my emotionality was a “trait of my feminine side”.

It’s one thing to ask him to support you, and a completely different thing to keep bugging him about being more “masculine”. It looks like he can’t bear the pressure of you constantly doubting his masculinity, and erroneously ascribing gender-specific functions to normal human traits.

 

 

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The other day my boyfriend witnessed it again, on a group chat, but did nothing. I asked him behind the scenes if he could please come on and say something as my partner. He subsequently did to some degree but then complained how he felt I was treating him “like a puppet”.

Why can’t you fight your own battles? 

This guy is your “friend” - it’s not your boyfriend’s responsibility to “have your back” when a person that you have let into your life disrespects you. 

If this person disrespects you - ignore him, tell him to stop, or end the relationship. Those are your choices. 

 

40 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Unfortunately he is not as far ahead on this journey that he needs to be in order for me to have trust and respect for him as a man who can be my partner.

Here you are complaining about the fact that he did not stand up for you when you were disrespected - and then you disrespect him by saying that he is not a man enough to be your partner. 

Do him the kindness of ending the relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Unfortunately he is not as far ahead on this journey that he needs to be in order for me to have trust and respect for him as a man who can be my partner

I wouldn't worry about this sicne it sounds like he's going to end it with you anyway. 

He seems to be getting tired of the nonsense. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

And lastly, I told my boyfriend about this mutual friend’s disrespectful behaviour after it had been going on for a month. All our other mutual friends know and have seen it themselves as well. I didn’t need my boyfriend to be unpleasant with him on the group chat, but like others have done of their own volition, it would be nice to see positive support from him on a public platform, not as a boyfriend but just as a friend. To just leave it when I’ve always done it for him (incidentally when the same guy has been disrespectful to him on there) is poor.

Why don’t the other people on the chat stand up for you and kick this guy off the group chat? That would be an appropriate response if the disrespectful behavior continues.

Criticizing your boyfriend’s masculinity is not ok. If he has any kind of self esteem, he is going to walk away - and it does sound like that will happen sooner than later. There is only so much of this kind of emotional abuse that a person will take before they leave. 

 

Edited Thursday at 01:48 PM by BaileyB

[introverted1]

IIRC, your bf was only a couple of months out of a long-term marriage with 3 young children at the point he met you.  Several of us commented that he had not had the time to heal from that breakup, which involves not just blaming the other person but also doing the introspective work to figure out his own role of why things devolved. In addition, you had many concerns about him and his masculinity/willingness to fit your desired mold. 

You have many, many, MANY rules about how men should act and just as many examples of people disrespecting/mistreating you. I can only imagine how exhausting this must be for your bf. To be clear, I think his decision to disappear rather than discuss these issues is not ok. But I also think he is likely tired of the many s*** tests you create. 

We date to assess compatibility.  It does not sound as though you are your bf (assuming you can call him that when you have apparently rejected making it official) are compatible. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

But I also think he is likely tired of the many s*** tests you create.

That’s what this is - exactly. 

And then, she passes judgment and belittles the man when he fails the test.

Thats not ok. It’s a terrible thing to do to another person.  

[stillafool]

It seems that you two are blaringly incompatible.  I think you should break up with him and find a man who likes drama and doesn't mind getting into fights with other men.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t need my boyfriend to be unpleasant with him on the group chat, but like others have done of their own volition, it would be nice to see positive support from him on a public platform, not as a boyfriend but just as a friend.

Oh, the drama! 

If what this acquaintance  says and does is so bad that you need your boyfriend/daddy to step in and defend your honour, you and the whole group would have ditched him long ago.   But as he's still on the group chat, I imagine it's nothing worth getting upset about, let alone having a fight with your boyfriend about not defending you.    Honestly, aren't you embarrassed at needing him to do this?  

If you continue as you are, you're going to continue to be very disappointed in your dating life

[IrinaM]

On 7/23/2025 at 11:35 AM, babybrowns said:

One of our mutual friends, whom he met through me, but is more of an acquaintance of his than a friend, has been quite disrespectful to me now and then,

So my question remains--how did these two grown adult men wind up in a "group chat" together? Did you add your new boyfriend to a group chat with a pre-existing friend group? If so, why? In light of the fact that you don't want to be "official," what purpose could this serve?

 

[IrinaM]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If what this acquaintance  says and does is so bad that you need your boyfriend/daddy to step in and defend your honour, you and the whole group would have ditched him long ago.   

my thoughts too. If this guy is openly disrespecting you in front of your friend group, they aren't your friends at all.  I don't understand why you are still part of this group chat, and even decided to add your new boyfriend? Especially in light of the fact that you two are both over 30. Group chats aren't so important at this stage of life. I'm only part of one, with my sisters.

[basil67]

I would add that he's not "incapable" of having your back.   Rather, he thinks you're being childish/needy and is refusing to buy into it

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

And lastly, I told my boyfriend about this mutual friend’s disrespectful behaviour after it had been going on for a month.

 

You still haven't addressed the question.... if you have a so-called "friend" who had been disrespecting you for at least a month, why didn't you handle it like a mature adult, nip it in the bud and put an end to it, including cutting off the friendship and communication with that person if necessary.  That would be the normal thing to do.  Instead you have chosen to let this nonsense continue, and create drama with your boyfriend over it.  It all seems very childish and immature.  It's not his job to jump into arguments that you have with other people and speak for you.  You sound like you just want drama.

It's still not clear why you can't speak up for yourself with this disrespectful "friend" and just put an end to the situation yourself.

 

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This is about knowing your partner has your back and will happily support you when you are being disrespected.

Naaah. I call BS. This is nothing being inflicted upon you; it's a voluntary interaction that you have continued to orchestrate rather than remove from your life.

That's on you, and so is your warped view of what this guy 'should' perform to prove his masculinity.