Has he been avoiding me?

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

Do you have a crush on him?  Do you have a boyfriend?

Why don't you answer these questions?

[basil67]

The reason it seems you have a crush is because you made a thread about him apparently avoiding you, and stated that you'd feel offended if he is.   

Thing is though, if you really didn't like him, you'd be glad he is avoiding you and you wouldn't need to write about it   

Edited Thursday at 10:27 PM by basil67

[katie949]

On 7/24/2025 at 12:57 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't have any idea if he actually did this. 

I don’t, but given that he always acts differently and/or avoids me when his wife is around makes me think that they’ve spoken about me in some way. Particularly because his wife has looked obviously unhappy with him in my presence on several occasions.

[katie949]

On 7/24/2025 at 6:35 PM, stillafool said:

Why don't you answer these questions?

I will answer them, but I thought the first one was clear from my other replies.

No I don’t have a crush, I just feel hurt by this man’s behaviour.

No I don’t have a boyfriend, but this shouldn’t be relevant?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, katie949 said:

don’t, but given that he always acts differently and/or avoids me when his wife is around makes me think that they’ve spoken about me in some way

Right, but that doesn't mean your assumption is correct. You still don't know if they have even talked about you at all. 

Feelings are not always facts. Try not to project. I know you are hurt, but this tells me you are way overly emotioanlly-invested in him. 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, katie949 said:

I will answer them, but I thought the first one was clear from my other replies.

No I don’t have a crush, I just feel hurt by this man’s behaviour.

No I don’t have a boyfriend, but this shouldn’t be relevant?

Most employees would be anxious and confused if their boss was avoiding them because it could mean they're getting ready to lose their job.  Not hurt, that says your emotions are involved.  That's why I asked if you have a crush on him.  You are too emotionally involved with your boss if his lack of attention to you is hurting you.  Maybe you need to find another job.  Sounds like his wife probably has picked up on your feelings for him, warned him and he's doing everything he can now to preserve his marriage and satisfy his wife.

I asked you if you have a boyfriend because it's obvious you miss the attention that your boss was giving to you.  Women who have a boyfriend or husband get their male attention from them and hearing you don't have one is even more reason I think you have crush on your boss.

 

 

Edited Friday at 06:47 PM by stillafool

[katie949]

On 7/25/2025 at 7:46 PM, stillafool said:

Maybe you need to find another job.  Sounds like his wife probably has picked up on your feelings for him, warned him and he's doing everything he can now to preserve his marriage and satisfy his wife.

I asked you if you have a boyfriend because it's obvious you miss the attention that your boss was giving to you.  Women who have a boyfriend or husband get their male attention from them and hearing you don't have one is even more reason I think you have crush on your boss.

 

 

I already have another job lined up for autumn. I just need to finish my contract.

I might have been flattered by this man’s attention but I don’t think that’s a crush. A crush would be wanting to date him if he were single, which I wouldn’t as he’s told old in my opinion.

A few people on here are saying I’m the one crushing, but they’re ignoring this man’s past behaviour towards me…. Staring like a weirdo (in front of his wife), acting like an idiot, making comments about my dress or skirt, telling me when he’s coming in for some menial task unrelated to me so I’ll go over and chat to him…. He has stopped recently, with the exception of the odd time when his wife isn’t around. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, katie949 said:

A few people on here are saying I’m the one crushing, but they’re ignoring this man’s past behaviour towards me…. Staring like a weirdo (in front of his wife), acting like an idiot, making comments about my dress or skirt, telling me when he’s coming in for some menial task unrelated to me so I’ll go over and chat to him…. He has stopped recently, with the exception of the odd time when his wife isn’t around. 

No one is ignoring what this married boss actions.  You are the one who is here and said you are hurt because he's withdrawn his attention to you.  Our point is he's a married man, and he's your boss and you are overly emotionally invested in him.  The question you need to ask yourself is why and the correct it.  It's good you already have another job lined up for fall.   That should help.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, katie949 said:

few people on here are saying I’m the one crushing, but they’re ignoring this man’s past behaviour towards me…

Well, no, we didn't ignore that. But you never asked if we thought he liked you.  Were you hoping we would tell you that he did have a crush on you? That's the sense I am getting now. 

But you are the one with the problem right now, and the one who created a thread. I personally think this guy is gross and I have a hard time seeing what you found flattering about his attention.  I also don't think you are being very honest with yourself about your emottional invesment. It's  telling that you are upset to the point of being hurt now that he's not paying as much attention to you. You don't seem upset by his inappropriate comments and interactions with you prior to that, which is also revealing. 

What advice are you actually seeking at this point? 

[katie949]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

No one is ignoring what this married boss actions.  You are the one who is here and said you are hurt because he's withdrawn his attention to you.  Our point is he's a married man, and he's your boss and you are overly emotionally invested in him.  

Perhaps they aren’t ignoring it, but it felt that way because a few people said ‘you must be crushing to be this upset about him…. He and his wife must be able to tell.” I don’t have a crush but yes I have felt hurt because it feels like I am being made to look like the idiot/as though I’m incompetent/as though I’m annoying because he’s making a point of avoiding me, mostly in front of his wife. I did feel flattered (stupidly perhaps) by his attention but not to the extent of needing it to continue even when his wife was visibly annoyed by it. I just don’t think he needed to avoid me and make ME look like the fool when it’s him! 

I also wonder whether this guy and his wife have made disparaging comments about my appearance behind my back, when the wife noticed him gawping at me and presumably had words with him privately. I could imagine her saying, “you were staring at X…. You like her don’t you?”, and him replying, “no of course not…. Her bust is too small/I don’t like long hair” or something like that. I could just be projecting my own insecurities here though.

I haven’t behaved as though I care in real life. I’m very professional and very ‘need to know basis’ when it comes to any communication with this man.

[katie949]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, no, we didn't ignore that. But you never asked if we thought he liked you.  Were you hoping we would tell you that he did have a crush on you? That's the sense I am getting now. 

What advice are you actually seeking at this point? 

I didn’t want people to tell me he has a crush if they didn’t think it, it’s impossible to read anyone’s mind anyway. I was asking whether it sounded like he was making an effort to avoid me (which I suspect strongly that he is) and was just looking for some comfort and to hear strangers’ perspectives on the situation. I feel pretty horrible at work, even though this man is only here about once a month . Even after I’ve left, he lives locally so I might (likely will) see him occasionally. I’d rather not though…. I think he’s slimy and manipulative.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, katie949 said:

I also wonder whether this guy and his wife have made disparaging comments about my appearance behind my back, when the wife noticed him gawping at me and presumably had words with him privately. I could imagine her saying, “you were staring at X…. You like her don’t you?”, and him replying, “no of course not…. Her bust is too small/I don’t like long hair” or something like that. I could just be projecting my own insecurities here though.

You are projecting SO MUCH.  You are at the point where you are imagining made-up conversations in your head.  Sitting around making up scenarios or imagining them talking about you is not a productive use of your time and is a destructive rabbit hole to go down.  You are giving this guy and his wife way too much of your mental energy, and for no good reason.  Even if they have talked about you, that is their own private conversation and there's nothing you need to do about it.  But I highly doubt these imaginary scenarios are true.  You need to get control of your insecurity and focus on what's important.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, katie949 said:

I could imagine her saying, “you were staring at X…. You like her don’t you?”, and him replying, “no of course not…. Her bust is too small/I don’t like long hair” or something like that. I could just be projecting my own insecurities here though.

Girl. 

You need to stop. You are spiraling over imaginary conversations in your head. Do you usually stress over made-up scenarios? 

 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, katie949 said:

Quote

I don’t have a crush but yes I have felt hurt because it feels like I am being made to look like the idiot/as though I’m incompetent/as though I’m annoying because he’s making a point of avoiding me, mostly in front of his wife.

You are projecting way too much if you think your boss is purposely trying to make you look like an idiot, incompetent or annoying in front of his wife just because he isn't showing you attention.  Nothing you have said about his actions are saying he has a crush on you just because he's given you compliments and has been chatty with you when he comes in the office just once a month.  You however have hurt feelings because he sent over a senior colleague to help you solve a problem rather than coming himself.  You are also upset that he's not giving you attention when his wife is around.  Why wouldn't he give his attention to his own wife when she's around?  She's the most important person in his life.  I'm sure if you had a question pertaining to your job and asked him about it in front of his wife he would answer you.  Why do you need more of his attention than that?

Quote

I did feel flattered (stupidly perhaps) by his attention but not to the extent of needing it to continue even when his wife was visibly annoyed by it. I just don’t think he needed to avoid me and make ME look like the fool when it’s him! 

I had a boss who complimented me on the way I dressed and looked in my clothes all the time.  When his wife came in the office, she would complement the way I dress and my figure too.  I never thought for a moment that my boss had feelings for me just because he was complimentary.  It never even crossed my mind.  Your boss is probably not thinking about you other than when he comes into the office that one time a month.  Much less purposely avoiding you because of his wife.  If he were interested, he'd be over there in your face every other day, asking you to go to lunch and trying to see you after work. He's an older man so he knows how to woo a woman, and he isn't trying that on you.

Quote

I also wonder whether this guy and his wife have made disparaging comments about my appearance behind my back, when the wife noticed him gawping at me and presumably had words with him privately. I could imagine her saying, “you were staring at X…. You like her don’t you?”, and him replying, “no of course not…. Her bust is too small/I don’t like long hair” or something like that. I could just be projecting my own insecurities here though.

You are thinking way too much about this boss and his wife.  It's doubtful that they talk about you at all, much less your body parts.  If I even had an inkling that my boss's wife thought he liked me, the last thing I would want is for him to be around me when his wife is there.  It's telling that you are upset that your boss doesn't come around you when his wife is there.  Are you trying to compete with her?  Otherwise, this makes no sense.

I

Quote

I haven’t behaved as though I care in real life. I’m very professional and very ‘need to know basis’ when it comes to any communication with this man.

Well that's good and perhaps you should keep it that way and stop expecting anything from your boss other than professionalism from now on.

 

5 hours ago, katie949 said:

Quote

I was asking whether it sounded like he was making an effort to avoid me (which I suspect strongly that he is) and was just looking for some comfort and to hear strangers’ perspectives on the situation.

The fact that you had to come to a forum to seek comfort from feeling rejected by your boss is really telling of how strong your emotions are for him.  It probably wouldn't hurt to seek therapy to help you get over him if you stay at that job when you're at this point.

Quote

I feel pretty horrible at work, even though this man is only here about once a month . Even after I’ve left, he lives locally so I might (likely will) see him occasionally. I’d rather not though…. I think he’s slimy and manipulative.

All of these emotions from seeing a married man, 20 years your senior, only once a month.  Think about that for a minute.  I don't see where he's done anything slimy or manipulative.  Can you explain why you're calling him that?

 

[Alpacalia]

You posted this on another forum. I'm curious what your fascination is with him and his wife?

Are you afraid your job is at stake or is it something more...

This isn’t about you—it’s about his inability to manage boundaries. His wife’s jealousy or his own awkwardness shouldn’t dictate your work environment. Venting is valid, but try not to internalize it. If his behavior starts affecting your job (e.g., withholding support, excluding you), then it’s worth addressing formally. 

[katie949]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

He might not have a crush but he has stared at me to the point of other people (including his wife), noticing it. His wife has kept putting her arm round him while he did this (which he just ignored) and glared at him on another occasion. She was obviously not happy with him. She might not have discussed this with him privately, but given her really obvious glaring at him it seems possible. 

A man commenting on a woman’s figure in the workplace is considered unacceptable nowadays. Maybe you thought it was ok but many people (and employment law in the UK and US) don’t think that it’s ok. At the time I might have felt flattered but I also felt uncomfortable and with hindsight I find it creepy. Wish I’d have shut it down instead of just smiling back at him.

I’m calling him slimy and manipulative because of how he behaves entirely differently when his wife is present. He’s chatty and jokey when she’s not there, but when she he is he’ll be brief and excuse himself from talking to me.

I never said anywhere that this man was trying to pursue me - he has been married for 25 years and is almost double my age. I just described some of what he did. 

If, in a workplace, a superior avoids interacting with one of their team, and other employees notice, it can make said employee (me in this case) stand out… for the wrong reasons. When the boss sent in an external hire to assist, my colleagues were joking about why (contrary to his usual behaviour) ‘Mr Stingy’ was actually PAYING for someone to do something that’s so basic to him. One of my (very nice) colleagues joked, “well he must be really sick of you this week if he’s actually paying someone else to come in!” (For the record I hadn’t been incompetent, it was an issue on the client’s side which is out of my remit.)

I should add that I am very glad to leave and see the back of this man, and hope I don’t bump into him in town once I have. 

Edited Monday at 02:49 PM by katie949

[katie949]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You posted this on another forum. I'm curious what your fascination is with him and his wife?

Are you afraid your job is at stake or is it something more...

This isn’t about you—it’s about his inability to manage boundaries. His wife’s jealousy or his own awkwardness shouldn’t dictate your work environment. Venting is valid, but try not to internalize it. If his behavior starts affecting your job (e.g., withholding support, excluding you), then it’s worth addressing formally. 

Thanks for this reply. There are other posts insinuating that I must have a crush while he doesn’t in the least… 

I have actually accepted a new job but I haven’t handed in my notice yet (I will soon).

You are completely right that this man’s behaviour and his wife’s reactions should be nothing to do with me, and they should not bring that into the workplace. But they have…

To be honest, I’ve been feeling pretty horrible at work all year…. His wife has made it quite obvious she’s unhappy with the boss interacting with me in any way beyond the most basic, when that doesn’t apply to any other employee. So that makes me feel awkward and it does make me wonder what she might say behind my back, which isn’t nice as I’m blameless in this. 

[katie949]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl. 

You need to stop. You are spiraling over imaginary conversations in your head. Do you usually stress over made-up scenarios? 

 

Sometimes yes, I am an over thinker. But not just out of thin air…. There has to be some event or someone has to say something to trigger it.

I never said that his wife has definitely spoke negatively about me to her husband…. I was just judging from her (very obvious!!) behaviour in front of me - the glaring at her husband, the wrapping her arm around him while he’s ignoring it - that she might. Don’t most visibly annoyed wives privately have words with their husbands later on?

I’ve felt uncomfortable at work all year and I jsut wanted to vent and get strangers’ opinions. I don’t discuss this in real life with friends or family as I don’t want to give it that much credence.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, katie949 said:

Don’t most visibly annoyed wives privately have words with their husbands later on?

You were imagining them talking about your "small bust" or "long hair". Come on, now. It's highly unlikely ypu take up as much rent in either of their minds (or talk time duriing their conversations) as you seem to fear you do. You are way overly-invested in your emotions here and imagining yourself as the main character in their chats to a bizarre degree. 

Oh, and the people you should actually be concerned are talking about you behind your back? It's your coworkers. I am not sure how you didn't realize that sooner. I would be a lot more concerned with that than anything else. 

[katie949]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You were imagining them talking about your "small bust" or "long hair". Come on, now. It's highly unlikely ypu take up as much rent in either of their minds (or talk time duriing their conversations) as you seem to fear you do. You are way overly-invested in your emotions here and imagining yourself as the main character in their chats to a bizarre degree. 

Oh, and the people you should actually be concerned are talking about you behind your back? It's your coworkers. I am not sure how you didn't realize that sooner. I would be a lot more concerned with that than anything else. 

No I don’t think I am any sort of ‘main character’ to them, I just said I thought that she might have had a word with him. That isn’t taking up a lot of time. She’s looked very annoyed on a few occasions which is why I thought that.

My co-workers are quite close friends and we socialise often outside of work. They know I’m good at my job and often thank me when we work together. I don’t know what they could say about me behind my back. 

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, katie949 said:

My co-workers are quite close friends and we socialise often outside of work. They know I’m good at my job and often thank me when we work together. I don’t know what they could say about me behind my back. 

You'd be surprised at how people will smile in your face but talk about you behind your back.

You might find this thread helpful, you two sound just alike:

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/28/2025 at 7:40 PM, katie949 said:

I don’t know what they could say about me behind my back. 

Really? No clue?