Has he been avoiding me?

[katie949]

I think my manager has avoided me and I’d be a little offended if so.

Long story short, my manager is twenty years older and in the past few years I’ve been with the company, he’s been very friendly with with me. On a handful of occasions, his wife glares at him really obviously (in front of me) when he’s chatting and laughing with me, or when she finds out he’s offered me extra help (not extended to others). He’s also made comments (though not overtly creepy) on my clothes and size of my figure. His wife obviously doesn’t like him talking to me for some reason (though it’s silly imo, I’m a 28 year old woman).

Anyway, usually manager (who only comes into our office once a month or so), will come into our office in person if we’ve had some issue (he never calls Teams meetings). If he doesn’t come in, he has to pay another senior colleague extra hours for coming to see us…. Which he hates as he’s stingy. 

Last month I had an issue on a project (the client’s fault, not mine). Manager gets in touch and sends over a senior colleague to assist the next day, telling me that he’s “a bit out of his depth with this one.” (clearly untrue  - he’s sorted this issue out before himself). He then turned up to the office several days later, with his wife (who was next door). I saw him outside the office on his own on my break and he was polite but brief, so I hurried away into town. He later, on his way out, was smiling at me really big and waving like an idiot… I found it cringey but waved back.

Then he saw me with his wife the following week and was again brief and obviously making excuses not to speak go me (‘well I’ll leave you too it, was nice to see you.’) 

He turned up on his own a few days ago, knocked on my door, and was chatting and joking as ´normal’… Then the next week, when his wife was there (but outside) he pretended to be on his phone and walked past and just waved to me. It’s odd and I just wanted to vent… 

[stillafool]

So what?  If my manager who is a married 58 year old (I don't know why his age matters) wasn't up in my face friendly with me I wouldn't care.   As long as he assigned someone to help me with my work (and he did) that is what I'd be more concerned about.  Maybe his wife thinks you have a crush on him.  Most 28 year old women who have plenty of attention from men their age would not care one bit about what some married man is doing.

Edited July 20 by stillafool

[ShyViolet]

Even if he is avoiding you, what does it matter?  He's not your friend.  Is there some reason that you would want him to pay more attention to you?

[ShySoul]

A few months ago on a different site I saw this same situation presented from the wife's side. I wonder if it's the same people involved. I think hearing what she and others had to say may help you understand what could be happening.

The wife, clearly acting out of jealousy, decided to tell her husband that he should avoid contact with his co-worker because she might spread untrue accusations against him about sexual harrassment and thus get him in trouble. The husband/boss listened to his wife and proceeded to start ignoring and avoiding the co-worker out of fear - fear of angering his wife and fear of getting into trouble.

The wife was encouraged by nearly everyone on the site as they constantly bashed him for being inappropriate and harrassing his co-worker, even when the wife admitted it was innocent and harmless. They also ignored all the things the wife did, such as spy on her husband and make up lies and stories about what was happening.

I'm thinking something similar is going on. Your manager has his own relationship with you. As long as you are okay with it and it doesn't cross any lines for you, then you should be able to have those interactions. If you are uncomfortable, then you should report it of course. But if it's not something that offends you, then you should have the natural friendship that develops. But because of his position and probably because of his wife, he may not feel comfortable now around you. He might be getting messages told to him about how he needs to behave or about you. It's sad, but a lot of people are insecure and will make up stories about someone.

I don't think you've done anything. I don't think you should be offended. At most I think he may have a slight crush that he hasn't tried to pursue and which you clearly aren't interested in. That has placed him in an awkward spot and he is trying to remain a friend, while establishing boundaries as a boss, while pleasing an upset wife. It's a messy situation. Just stay focused on doing your job and stay friendly with him. Stay out of the unnecessary drama.

[katie949]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what?  If my manager who is a married 58 year old (I don't know why his age matters) wasn't up in my face friendly with me I wouldn't care.   As long as he assigned someone to help me with my work (and he did) that is what I'd be more concerned about.  Maybe his wife thinks you have a crush on him.  Most 28 year old women who have plenty of attention from men their age would not care one bit about what some married man is doing.

His wife might think that I have a crush? His wife has literally seen him staring at me like an idiot and telling ridiculous jokes. She was giving him an unimpressed look. I haven’t done anything to suggest I have a crush. I send very professional emails at work…. And I certainly don’t gaze at him!!

[katie949]

18 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Even if he is avoiding you, what does it matter?  He's not your friend.  Is there some reason that you would want him to pay more attention to you?

No particular reason, it’s the changed behaviour that I noticed and I wondered what it’s all about.

[katie949]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

But because of his position and probably because of his wife, he may not feel comfortable now around you. He might be getting messages told to him about how he needs to behave or about you. It's sad, but a lot of people are insecure and will make up stories about someone.

I don't think you've done anything. I don't think you should be offended. At most I think he may have a slight crush that he hasn't tried to pursue and which you clearly aren't interested in. That has placed him in an awkward spot and he is trying to remain a friend, while establishing boundaries as a boss, while pleasing an upset wife. It's a messy situation. Just stay focused on doing your job and stay friendly with him. Stay out of the unnecessary drama.

This man didn’t do or say anything overtly inappropriate. He did make comments on my clothing and slimness, but nobody else was there at that time. He did once stare at me in front of his wife and she kept putting her arm around him, but he didn’t stop… so that might have been a catalyst for her anger/upset. Yet after that, he still was chatty and friendly…. I don’t know what he and his wife say privately about me. I wonder whether he makes up any lies about me to please (or appease) his wife, like saying I have a crush on him and that I want to talk to him but he doesn’t want to (which is rubbish - he’s the one initiated all the chatting and joking, not me). 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, katie949 said:

I haven’t done anything to suggest I have a crush

It seems rather obvious from what you wrote, though. 

I imagine this is not lost on her. Or him. 

[katie949]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It seems rather obvious from what you wrote, though. 

I imagine this is not lost on her. Or him. 

I don’t act like a silly, giggling girl in front of him though, and he’s been caugjt staring at me by his wife…he also made comments about my clothes and figure…. So not sure why you think I have a crush.

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, katie949 said:

He did make comments on my clothing and slimness, but nobody else was there at that time

Totally inappropriate. His wife's picked up on his office crush, she's not blind and deaf, and she's not impressed, she's worded him up about how obvious it is and he's trying to be careful how he behaves towards you when she's around. As long as you're not responding by encouraging his special attention there's no reason to be bothered by it, much less be flattered by it, he's just a middle-aged fool being disrespectful to his wife if he actually is crushing on you. 

[katie949]

38 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Totally inappropriate. His wife's picked up on his office crush, she's not blind and deaf, and she's not impressed, she's worded him up about how obvious it is and he's trying to be careful how he behaves towards you when she's around. As long as you're not responding by encouraging his special attention there's no reason to be bothered by it, much less be flattered by it, he's just a middle-aged fool being disrespectful to his wife if he actually is crushing on you. 

I agree with all of this. I can't understand why the poster above thinks that I  have a crush....perhaps s/he didn't read my full post.  

Edited July 22 by katie949

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, katie949 said:

perhaps s/he didn't read my full post.  

I read everything. 

If you didn't have a crush, why would you care what his wife does or what happens in their marriage? I also don't think you'd be that bothered that he's keeping some personal distance, either.  You say you don't like him that way, but that's not how it comes across. One doesn't need to be a "giggling girl" to pick up on interest from someone. 

9 hours ago, katie949 said:

he also made comments about my clothes and figure

And is this okay with you? I'd have long ago started looking for a new job. 

[swirlingcloud]

On 7/20/2025 at 7:41 PM, katie949 said:

I think my manager has avoided me and I’d be a little offended if so.

Long story short, my manager is twenty years older and in the past few years I’ve been with the company, he’s been very friendly with with me. On a handful of occasions, his wife glares at him really obviously (in front of me) when he’s chatting and laughing with me, or when she finds out he’s offered me extra help (not extended to others). He’s also made comments (though not overtly creepy) on my clothes and size of my figure. His wife obviously doesn’t like him talking to me for some reason (though it’s silly imo, I’m a 28 year old woman).

Anyway, usually manager (who only comes into our office once a month or so), will come into our office in person if we’ve had some issue (he never calls Teams meetings). If he doesn’t come in, he has to pay another senior colleague extra hours for coming to see us…. Which he hates as he’s stingy. 

Last month I had an issue on a project (the client’s fault, not mine). Manager gets in touch and sends over a senior colleague to assist the next day, telling me that he’s “a bit out of his depth with this one.” (clearly untrue  - he’s sorted this issue out before himself). He then turned up to the office several days later, with his wife (who was next door). I saw him outside the office on his own on my break and he was polite but brief, so I hurried away into town. He later, on his way out, was smiling at me really big and waving like an idiot… I found it cringey but waved back.

Then he saw me with his wife the following week and was again brief and obviously making excuses not to speak go me (‘well I’ll leave you too it, was nice to see you.’) 

He turned up on his own a few days ago, knocked on my door, and was chatting and joking as ´normal’… Then the next week, when his wife was there (but outside) he pretended to be on his phone and walked past and just waved to me. It’s odd and I just wanted to vent… 

He and his wife has different boundaries of what is ok or not. Im sorry, this guy makes me laugh as I think he is such a dork.  One minute like that with his wife. When she is nowhere near another. I would pretend they were both air to me and refuse to get in the middle of it. If things would escalate and it got too much for me to continue in that fashion, the air attitude, I would either quit or if I would think it would help have a conversation with the boss about what to do. 

[katie949]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I read everything. 

If you didn't have a crush, why would you care what his wife does or what happens in their marriage? I also don't think you'd be that bothered that he's keeping some personal distance, either.  You say you don't like him that way, but that's not how it comes across. One doesn't need to be a "giggling girl" to pick up on interest from someone. 

And is this okay with you? I'd have long ago started looking for a new job. 

I actually do have a new job lined up for this autumn. I have to see out my contract which ends in November.

This man has also stared at me and made ridiculous jokes in front of his wife… I don’t think it’s me who’s acting like an idiot in this situation!

[katie949]

1 hour ago, swirlingcloud said:

He and his wife has different boundaries of what is ok or not. Im sorry, this guy makes me laugh as I think he is such a dork.  One minute like that with his wife. When she is nowhere near another. I would pretend they were both air to me and refuse to get in the middle of it. If things would escalate and it got too much for me to continue in that fashion, the air attitude, I would either quit or if I would think it would help have a conversation with the boss about what to do. 

Like a dork… haha I agree with that. He once stared at me really obviously in front of his wife, she was clearly not impressed (kept putting her arm around him), and another time he saw me and was chatting she was glaring at him! He obviously lacks self awareness.

You are right, I need to forget them. I’m just a sensitive person, too much sometimes.

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, katie949 said:

I don’t think it’s me who’s acting like an idiot in this situation!

I never said you were. 

52 minutes ago, katie949 said:

He obviously lacks self awareness.

You also don't know how many other times he may have behaved this way before, with other women. But really, none of that is your concern. I would focus on getting the work done and nothing more. 

56 minutes ago, katie949 said:

I actually do have a new job lined up for this autumn. I have to see out my contract which ends in November.

That's good.  I wouldn't be able to get away fast enough from some gross boss like this one. 

[katie949]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I never said you were. 

You also don't know how many other times he may have behaved this way before, with other women. But really, none of that is your concern. I would focus on getting the work done and nothing more. 

That's good.  I wouldn't be able to get away fast enough from some gross boss like this one. 

Oh most likely he’s behaved this way towards other women in the past. I won’t be the first…. 
I just hate how manipulative and sly he is…acting one way in front of his wife, and potentially lying about me.

[swirlingcloud]

4 hours ago, katie949 said:

Like a dork… haha I agree with that. He once stared at me really obviously in front of his wife, she was clearly not impressed (kept putting her arm around him), and another time he saw me and was chatting she was glaring at him! He obviously lacks self awareness.

You are right, I need to forget them. I’m just a sensitive person, too much sometimes.

You are not sensitive. This would get under anyone's skin. You were hired to do a good/great job. He was hired partly because he should be the support, guidance you need in your position in order to do that, not to put you at risk. He is the one active in all this. 

About his wife, I wonder, if she did not know who she married. She should not have to feel like she has to baby sit this boy in a middle aged man's body. 

What he is doing is not fun, not fun to her, not fun to you. 

It is not fair either if the wife goes after you for maybe thinking your boundaries are too weak because she needs to understand you are younger, in an inferior position, and you are not active. He is active. You are playing along for other reasons than being into him. It is not easy for you. 

There are these clowns who think nobody can touch them, they can do everything and get away with it. Have they over time gotten the image, the role, to play at work where they play this game that what ever they say or do is funny and if you do not like it  you do not have the right kind of humor, you have to play along, know that you do not have to play along. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, katie949 said:

I just hate how manipulative and sly he is…

Fair enough, but in that case,  I should think it's a good thing he's more distant with you now. 

I would prefer that he stayed away from me, if I were you. Just focus on work and get to the end of your contract. 

[swirlingcloud]

I want to add one more thing. I have experienced women who glue themselves to their men and give who ever they view as a woman trespassing the evil eye. Just like this wife of his does to you, despite you not being the one active. I always felt embarrassed for these women as I do not think it is their job to do that, ut is their men's job to signal with or without her present and no matter her behavoir that he's taken, he belongs to someone else. 

Both me and my mom has experienced men that we know are not single to hit on us. Both me and my mom could not believe how naive their women were to not know what their men is about as it has been obvious from the get go to everyone else around them. These men has put both my mom and I in this ridiculous situation caused by these men of tampering if and if so how to tell their partners. We never asked for it. I know my mom simply made it clear by her reaction to the man she was rejecting him, but in the end she chose not to say anything to his wife as she thought he would blame it on her and say she was making it up. As for me there were all kinds of indicators the men were flirting with me, but it was not enough so that it could not be blurred out if he chose to defend himself, say he was innocent, and me making it up. We all tried in our own ways to support her and we all knew this was going to end with him finding someone to cheat with and maybe leave her, and it did. I have gotten to a place in life where I am just sick of these games these men played, but too in a way sick of the women being tangled up with them as both of them mean trouble to me, in a way that I never asked for. I say keep them both away from me. 

There are some work places where they do not permit couples to work side by side, for I suppose various reasons. I say I never mix business with pleasure. It can very well be this wife of his is so terrible that she will block you, and hinder your development somehow and if so she is making this her private vendetta, she is not being fair.

If I were their boss I would make it my business to seperate this married couple so they will stop making drama etc. 

I thought some more and I do not think it is fair that you have to quit because of these two. I would place them away from you so they both will leave you at peace. I think you should talk to someone authorized and tell them this situation is starting to make you feel uncomfertabke and that you want them to leave you alone and out of their drama.  

 

 

[stillafool]

On 7/21/2025 at 2:26 PM, katie949 said:

His wife might think that I have a crush? His wife has literally seen him staring at me like an idiot and telling ridiculous jokes. She was giving him an unimpressed look. I haven’t done anything to suggest I have a crush. I send very professional emails at work…. And I certainly don’t gaze at him!!

Do you have a crush on him?  Do you have a boyfriend?

[ShyViolet]

You must care about him deep down on some level, why else would you start a whole thread about this guy and spend this much time thinking about him and analyzing the actions of him and his wife.  Like honestly who cares if he is paying less attention to you or avoiding you?  If you didn't have a crush on him then this would be irrelevant and you wouldn't be spending so much time thinking about this.  Something just doesn't add up.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You must care about him deep down on some level, why else would you start a whole thread about this guy and spend this much time thinking about him and analyzing the actions of him and his wife.

Yes, it seems rather obvious, doesn't it? 

[katie949]

On 7/22/2025 at 8:01 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Fair enough, but in that case,  I should think it's a good thing he's more distant with you now. 

I would prefer that he stayed away from me, if I were you. Just focus on work and get to the end of your contract. 

Completely agree, but it isn’t nice when other people can tell that he’s being pleasant with them and then off hand with me. It makes it seem as though I’ve done something wrong/I’m incompetent in some way, when I haven’t. I also don’t like the idea of him making up rubbish about me to his wife (although she has seen for herself how he behaves around me, so I’d hope she wouldn’t believe any of it anyway…. Although some women do believe anything their husband says because they want to).

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, katie949 said:

I also don’t like the idea of him making up rubbish about me to his wife

You don't have any idea if he actually did this.