Sugarspice25 Posted July 19 Posted July 19 I've been talking to this guy he lives 1hr away from me. He asked me out for dinner but he wants me to go to him. Im not comfortable with that. I would prefer if he drives to me for the first date so I know he's actually invested in this, and secondly I would feel safer and more comfortable too. How do I communicate that to him?
MsJayne Posted July 19 Posted July 19 Just knock him back, full stop. No gentleman, (that's a key word), requests that a woman drive an hour to meet him. Meeting halfway is fine, but wanting you to meet up on his turf is a fair indicator that he's planning to either get you drunk so you can't drive home, or keep you late so that he can try the old "It's too late for you to drive all that way now", (because you're just a simpering female and driving late at night is man stuff). Communicate it to him like this, "No way am I driving an hour to meet you, happy to meet somewhere halfway, and I'll pay for my own dinner just in case you're the kind of sleaze who thinks paying for dinner means a woman owes you". If he has a problem with that you've saved yourself the cost of dinner, fuel, and time. 1
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 19 Author Posted July 19 8 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Just knock him back, full stop. No gentleman, (that's a key word), requests that a woman drive an hour to meet him. Meeting halfway is fine, but wanting you to meet up on his turf is a fair indicator that he's planning to either get you drunk so you can't drive home, or keep you late so that he can try the old "It's too late for you to drive all that way now", (because you're just a simpering female and driving late at night is man stuff). Communicate it to him like this, "No way am I driving an hour to meet you, happy to meet somewhere halfway, and I'll pay for my own dinner just in case you're the kind of sleaze who thinks paying for dinner means a woman owes you". If he has a problem with that you've saved yourself the cost of dinner, fuel, and time. Well I don't have a car and he said he's willing to pay for my Uber but its a first date. I never met the guy. You know.
ShyViolet Posted July 19 Posted July 19 If you've never met the guy, you don't make the first date a dinner at all. You make it something more casual like a coffee or lunch. If you don't like him or he turns out to be weird, you don't want to be stuck at a dinner. You want it to be something shorter. No need to be all defensive or negative in your message to him, just simply suggest a closer location. Say "Is _____ ok? I prefer something closer." 1
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 19 Author Posted July 19 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: If you've never met the guy, you don't make the first date a dinner at all. You make it something more casual like a coffee or lunch. If you don't like him or he turns out to be weird, you don't want to be stuck at a dinner. You want it to be something shorter. No need to be all defensive or negative in your message to him, just simply suggest a closer location. Say "Is _____ ok? I prefer something closer." Listen I like dinner dates, so thats not a problem for me.
Gaeta Posted July 19 Posted July 19 Absolutely not. A gentleman would come to you. He would fully understand that while meeting strangers from online it's the woman that is vulnerable, not men. Nothing good will ever come out of meeting a man that wants you to travel to him. No - he is not invested in meeting you. Does he have a car? If you want to meet halfway you go with your own uber account. 1
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 19 Author Posted July 19 Just now, Gaeta said: Absolutely not. A gentleman would come to you. He would fully understand that while meeting strangers from online it's the woman that is vulnerable, not men. Nothing good will ever come out of meeting a man that wants you to travel to him. No - he is not invested in meeting you. Does he have a car? If you want to meet halfway you go with your own uber account. Yes he has a car. Yeah you're absolutely right. Thank you
Gaeta Posted July 19 Posted July 19 Just now, Sugarspice25 said: Yes he has a car. Yeah you're absolutely right. Thank you He has a car but can't be bothered to drive to meet you! Nah. Abort that and go to next. 1
MsJayne Posted July 19 Posted July 19 1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said: Well I don't have a car and he said he's willing to pay for my Uber but its a first date. I never met the guy. You know. No, no, and no! Wanting to have you delivered by Uber is beyond creepy, you are not a pizza! This guy's a predator and the warning signs are all there, you'd be very silly not to pass on this one. 1
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 19 Author Posted July 19 Just now, MsJayne said: No, no, and no! Wanting to have you delivered by Uber is beyond creepy, you are not a pizza! This guy's a predator and the warning signs are all there, you'd be very silly not to pass on this one. So he agreed to come to me and booked a restaurant here.
justwhoiam Posted July 20 Posted July 20 Hi Sugarspice25. As no one has mentioned this so far, you shouldn't tell him where you live, though you might have already. Either way, be cautious and make sure to only meet in public places. Just recently, I heard about a friend who was stalked by a guy who became obsessed with her. She ended up having to go to the police for a restraining order. She was genuinely in fear for her life. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 20 Posted July 20 2 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said: Listen I like dinner dates, so thats not a problem for me. Ok it's not about whether you like dinner dates, it sounds like you don't know much about this guy. It's not smart to get yourself into a situation where you might be stuck on a dinner date with a weirdo or someone you don't like. It's usually better to make the first date short, and if you like the person the second date can be something more involved. 2
Gaeta Posted July 20 Posted July 20 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said: So he agreed to come to me and booked a restaurant here. You had to ask him to come to you, not very impressive...how old is this guy? Another question: why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? Edited July 20 by Gaeta 1
Sanch62 Posted July 20 Posted July 20 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: ... why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? Good question. If you're fine with an occasional fling, that's one thing, but if you want to get to know someone and date on the regular, an hour away isn't really conducive to that.
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: You had to ask him to come to you, not very impressive...how old is this guy? Another question: why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? Well we connected through Facebook. He has a car so I don't see that as a problem. He's 32.
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 31 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: Good question. If you're fine with an occasional fling, that's one thing, but if you want to get to know someone and date on the regular, an hour away isn't really conducive to that. You think? Why? So he can't drive down at least once a week?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20 Posted July 20 57 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said: You think? Why? So he can't drive down at least once a week? This was a man who expected a non-driver to come to him for the first date. Do you really think he's going to be keen to come to you every week? Very unlikely. I personally would not bother with this date. He's already showed you a red flag that I would urge you not to overlook. 2
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This was a man who expected a non-driver to come to him for the first date. Do you really think he's going to be keen to come to you every week? Very unlikely. I personally would not bother with this date. He's already showed you a red flag that I would urge you not to overlook. I mean yes but when I told him I prefer he come to me he was okay with it. So should I raise that question now with him? If we potentially hit it off how would the dates look like? Im confused as to go out with him or not .
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20 Posted July 20 13 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said: I mean yes but when I told him I prefer he come to me he was okay with it You're missing the point. The point is that a decent guy wouldn't have requested you come to him in the first place. 14 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said: Im confused as to go out with him or not That's up to you, and depends on what boundaries you have for yourself. I personally would not be interested. 1
enterthevoid Posted July 20 Posted July 20 12 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said: I've been talking to this guy he lives 1hr away from me. He asked me out for dinner but he wants me to go to him. Im not comfortable with that. I would prefer if he drives to me for the first date so I know he's actually invested in this, and secondly I would feel safer and more comfortable too. How do I communicate that to him? You tell him. "We live a bit far away. I would prefer if you drive to me, or we at least meet halfway for the first date."
ThorLyonsSalem Posted July 20 Posted July 20 14 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said: Well I don't have a car and he said he's willing to pay for my Uber but its a first date. I never met the guy. You know. No no no no no! You are completely at his mercy if you do something like this! You don't know this person at all! Tell him that you would prefer if he would come to you or you can meet him halfway. A decent man would agree to do this. If you and/or him are just looking for sex that's another matter, but if you are looking for a relationship of some kind then it's not. If he doesn't want to do so, tell him where to go. You can tell a lot about someone by their behaviors in a situation like this.
Gaeta Posted July 20 Posted July 20 12 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said: Well we connected through Facebook. He has a car so I don't see that as a problem. He's 32. May l ask how old you are? If you were both drivers then dating could be a possibility. Dating someone an hour away that does not drive could become a burden to him...he would always be the one on the road, always the one picking you up, and spending fuel money. I briefly dated someone that didn't have a car, he was only 15 mins away and it drove me crazy that l always had to pick him up then he started asking if l could drive him to this or that store. He got free rides while l paid the fuel, car maintenance, car registration, and absorbed depreciation. You don't own a car so that may be why you think that him always driving is not a big deal. It will become a big deal.
Author Sugarspice25 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: May l ask how old you are? If you were both drivers then dating could be a possibility. Dating someone an hour away that does not drive could become a burden to him...he would always be the one on the road, always the one picking you up, and spending fuel money. I briefly dated someone that didn't have a car, he was only 15 mins away and it drove me crazy that l always had to pick him up then he started asking if l could drive him to this or that store. He got free rides while l paid the fuel, car maintenance, car registration, and absorbed depreciation. You don't own a car so that may be why you think that him always driving is not a big deal. It will become a big deal. Im 27. Well he offers to pay for my ubers. I dont know if he's asking me out I guess he's okay with the long distance.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20 Posted July 20 1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said: I dont know if he's asking me out I guess he's okay with the long distance. What was the plan supposed to be if you'd actually gone to him? Did he expect you to stay over? This whole situation sounds off.
Sanch62 Posted July 20 Posted July 20 (edited) 16 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said: Well we connected through Facebook. Do you know any of the same people who you can ask about him? Be careful about strangers who want to connect with you over FB or any free platform, with no payment to a dating site that can verify that they're at least using a real name and credit card. Don't position yourself in a car or other private place with a stranger. He tried to get you to come to him, and that's sketchy. A man with good intentions wouldn't do that. So now he's agreeing to come to meet, but that doesn't rule out grooming you to get you alone. You sound a bit naive' to be messing with strangers who you can't get to know easily over time and in public. How many dates with an hour long drive do you think this guy would be willing pull off before he wants to 'see' your place? Edited July 20 by Sanch62
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