Long distance

[Sugarspice25]

I've been talking to this guy he lives 1hr away from me. He asked me out for dinner but he wants me to go to him. Im not comfortable with that. I would prefer if he drives to me for the first date so I know he's actually invested in this,  and secondly I would feel safer and more comfortable too. How do I communicate that to him?

[MsJayne]

Just knock him back, full stop. No gentleman, (that's a key word), requests that a woman drive an hour to meet him. Meeting halfway is fine, but wanting you to meet up on his turf is a fair indicator that he's planning to either get you drunk so you can't drive home, or keep you late so that he can try the old "It's too late for you to drive all that way now", (because you're just a simpering female and driving late at night is man stuff). Communicate it to him like this, "No way am I driving an hour to meet you, happy to meet somewhere halfway, and I'll pay for my own dinner just in case you're the kind of sleaze who thinks paying for dinner means a woman owes you". If he has a problem with that you've saved yourself the cost of dinner, fuel, and time. 

[Sugarspice25]

8 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Just knock him back, full stop. No gentleman, (that's a key word), requests that a woman drive an hour to meet him. Meeting halfway is fine, but wanting you to meet up on his turf is a fair indicator that he's planning to either get you drunk so you can't drive home, or keep you late so that he can try the old "It's too late for you to drive all that way now", (because you're just a simpering female and driving late at night is man stuff). Communicate it to him like this, "No way am I driving an hour to meet you, happy to meet somewhere halfway, and I'll pay for my own dinner just in case you're the kind of sleaze who thinks paying for dinner means a woman owes you". If he has a problem with that you've saved yourself the cost of dinner, fuel, and time. 

Well I don't have a car and he said he's willing to pay for my Uber but its a first date. I never met the guy. You know.

[ShyViolet]

If you've never met the guy, you don't make the first date a dinner at all.  You make it something more casual like a coffee or lunch.  If you don't like him or he turns out to be weird, you don't want to be stuck at a dinner.  You want it to be something shorter.  

No need to be all defensive or negative in your message to him, just simply suggest a closer location.  Say "Is _____ ok?  I prefer something closer."

[Sugarspice25]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you've never met the guy, you don't make the first date a dinner at all.  You make it something more casual like a coffee or lunch.  If you don't like him or he turns out to be weird, you don't want to be stuck at a dinner.  You want it to be something shorter.  

No need to be all defensive or negative in your message to him, just simply suggest a closer location.  Say "Is _____ ok?  I prefer something closer."

Listen I like dinner dates, so thats not a problem for me.

 

[Gaeta]

Absolutely not.

A gentleman would come to you. He would fully understand that while meeting strangers from online it's the woman that is vulnerable, not men. 

Nothing good will ever come out of meeting a man that wants you to travel to him. No - he is not invested in meeting you.

Does he have a car?

If you want to meet halfway you go with your own uber account. 

[Sugarspice25]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Absolutely not.

A gentleman would come to you. He would fully understand that while meeting strangers from online it's the woman that is vulnerable, not men. 

Nothing good will ever come out of meeting a man that wants you to travel to him. No - he is not invested in meeting you.

Does he have a car?

If you want to meet halfway you go with your own uber account. 

Yes he has a car. 

Yeah you're absolutely right. Thank you

[Gaeta]

Just now, Sugarspice25 said:

Yes he has a car. 

Yeah you're absolutely right. Thank you

He has a car but can't be bothered to drive to meet you! Nah. Abort that and go to next. 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Well I don't have a car and he said he's willing to pay for my Uber but its a first date. I never met the guy. You know.

No, no, and no! Wanting to have you delivered by Uber is beyond creepy, you are not a pizza! This guy's a predator and the warning signs are all there, you'd be very silly not to pass on this one. 

[Sugarspice25]

Just now, MsJayne said:

No, no, and no! Wanting to have you delivered by Uber is beyond creepy, you are not a pizza! This guy's a predator and the warning signs are all there, you'd be very silly not to pass on this one. 

So he agreed to come to me and booked a restaurant here.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Sugarspice25.

As no one has mentioned this so far, you shouldn't tell him where you live, though you might have already. Either way, be cautious and make sure to only meet in public places. Just recently, I heard about a friend who was stalked by a guy who became obsessed with her. She ended up having to go to the police for a restraining order. She was genuinely in fear for her life.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Listen I like dinner dates, so thats not a problem for me.

 

Ok it's not about whether you like dinner dates, it sounds like you don't know much about this guy.  It's not smart to get yourself into a situation where you might be stuck on a dinner date with a weirdo or someone you don't like.  It's usually better to make the first date short, and if you like the person the second date can be something more involved.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

So he agreed to come to me and booked a restaurant here.

You had to ask him to come to you, not very impressive...how old is this guy?

Another question: why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? 

Edited 6 hours ago by Gaeta

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

... why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? 

Good question. If you're fine with an occasional fling, that's one thing, but if you want to get to know someone and date on the regular, an hour away isn't really conducive to that.

[Sugarspice25]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You had to ask him to come to you, not very impressive...how old is this guy?

Another question: why do you chat with someone living 1 hour away if you don't drive? 

Well we connected through Facebook. He has a car so I don't see that as a problem.

He's 32.

[Sugarspice25]

31 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Good question. If you're fine with an occasional fling, that's one thing, but if you want to get to know someone and date on the regular, an hour away isn't really conducive to that.

You think? Why? So he can't drive down at least once a week? 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

You think? Why? So he can't drive down at least once a week? 

This was a man who expected a non-driver to come to him for the first date. 

Do you really think he's going to be keen to come to you every week? Very unlikely. I personally would not bother with this date. He's already showed you a red flag that I would urge you not to overlook. 

[Sugarspice25]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was a man who expected a non-driver to come to him for the first date. 

Do you really think he's going to be keen to come to you every week? Very unlikely. I personally would not bother with this date. He's already showed you a red flag that I would urge you not to overlook. 

I mean yes but when I told him I prefer he come to me he was okay with it. 

So should I raise that question now with him? If we potentially hit it off how would the dates look like?

Im confused as to go out with him or not .

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

I mean yes but when I told him I prefer he come to me he was okay with it

You're missing the point. The point is that a decent guy wouldn't have requested you come to him in the first place. 

14 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Im confused as to go out with him or not

That's up to you, and depends on what boundaries you have for yourself.  I personally would not be interested.