Anonymous Posted July 19 Posted July 19 I (F22) have been dating my girlfriend (F21) for 3 years. We met 1-2 weeks before starting college, since we were going to be classmates. She was supposed to live in the dorms for free, but after 2 days, she hated it and invited herself to sleep over at my place (we barely knew each other). We hooked up that night - and she basically never left. Classic lesbian stereotype, I know. At first, I hid from my parents that she was living with me since they were paying my rent and didn’t know her. After 2 months, we made it official. A few months later, she met my parents (they thought we were just friends) and they adored her. She came home with me every visit. After 2 years, I told them we were together, and surprisingly, they were super supportive - even got over their strong homophobia for her. Now they treat her like their own daughter, and my whole family loves her... even more than they love me, sometimes. She’s been a super supportive partner and has helped me a lot with my business. I honestly wouldn’t be where I am without her. But she doesn’t have a job, and her abusive parents don’t support her or even know about us. She lives off a small scholarship allowance and feels guilty for not contributing more. I got her a laptop, my dad got her a phone, but she refuses to let me hire her because she wants to earn her own money. I usually cover everything, and I don’t mind since my business does very well. We recently moved to another apt, and my parents still pay the rent for both of us. The truth is, I don’t think I ever truly loved her romantically. I was probably just scared of being alone in a new city and clung to her because we were both lesbians and colleagues. I mistook her vibe for something more masculine at first, but over time I realized she’s not really my type physically. I do love her personality - she’s emotional, artistic, and sees the world beautifully. I’d often find myself staring at other people, not fantasizing, just feeling a quiet frustration inside. In the first year we were very active se)(ually, but now I am forcing myself to do it. I'm not enjoying it. When I moved away for college, I was excited to live independently, but that never really happened. She moved in almost immediately, and we became co-dependent: always together, doing everything side by side. Now that we just finished college, I feel like I missed out on everything -freedom, partying, self-discovery. While others were out living, I was working nonstop on my business. I am succesful, I've even been on the news, but I feel empty, like I sold my soul for money. Sometimes, I think the only escape is death. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but I’m scared to leave. My parents love her and they’d never forgive me. They would never accept another girl, because SHE is the reason they stopped being homophobic. I’ve been saving for a house abroad and told her it’s for both of us, but she hasn’t contributed financially because she doesn’t have a job. I’m not upset - most people our age aren’t making this much, but she constantly compares herself to me and feels like a failure. She has breakdowns because she can’t provide, even though most students don’t have it figured out yet. I tried encouraging her to freelance; she got one client and gave up. I have tons of business and investment ideas, but she won’t act on them. I can’t keep pushing her. I’m already exhausted from running my business and dealing with my own mental health issues. I’ve always valued freedom, and marriage feels like a cage. I like being alone and dream of traveling the world. I could afford to do it now, but I can’t because she can’t afford it and feels guilty when I pay. I know she’ll get a job eventually and things might balance out, but for now, I’m sad my youth is slipping away. My past relationships were traumatic - one landed me in the hospital, another was a drug addict, one dug up her dead dog’s skull, and another cheated on me while I paid for everything because she was nearly homeless. This time, I chose someone kind and stable, not really my type, but safe. She’s never hurt me, but I’m still unhappy. And even though I know she’s not using me, I’m tired of always being the provider. I know you’ll judge me, and I don’t blame you. Last year, feeling lonely and needing a new friend, I started chatting with a masc lesbian on Bumble BFF. She had a girlfriend, so I saw her as a safe friend. She was adventurous, always traveling and doing extreme sports - basically the life I wanted. She wasn’t the issue... it was what she awakened in me. She was the version of myself I never got to be. We talked nonstop for months, and my girlfriend noticed. I felt happy texting the other girl - not se)(ually, just less lonely. My girlfriend got jealous, and I understood why, but I couldn’t stop. The girl broke up with her partner of 4 years and started dating around. I was interested in her stories because I was frustrated about my own relationship. She invited me to hang out, but my girlfriend asked me to cut contact, saying the other girl was flirting. I didn't tell my gf that that girl broke up with her partner, because I wanted to keep things safe. She eventually removed me from her following list and she unfollowed me, because I stopped replying to her texts, since my gf was mad. I want to be honest. I hoped we’d become best friends and maybe more. Some of our chats felt like flirting. She complimented me a lot, and we talked nonstop. After we started talking, I had a breakdown and told my girlfriend I didn’t love her and wanted to break up. She was devastated and she thought I was falling for that girl. I couldn’t break up for real because I worried about my parents and that my girlfriend would have nowhere to live. I told another time I wanted to break up, and she begged on her knees for me to stay. We’re stuck together for at least two more years because we’re doing our masters in the same city. I feel trapped and often think about su!cide as the only way out. The pressure from my parents, business, and her situation feels overwhelming. It’s been 1 year since I stopped talking to that girl, but I’m still frustrated my gf wouldn’t let me meet her. I think I developed an unhealthy obsession, hoping to run into her or reconnect. Now I see it was emotional cheating and wrong. I never even met her in person, so it was just lust stuck in my mind. Since then, my girlfriend lost trust in me and started trying to be more masculine, feeling like she was competing and getting easily triggered. I’m stuck. Leaving my girlfriend now would ruin my relationship with my family, and she’d have nowhere to go. But staying makes me more depressed every day. I’m on medication and feel like my youth is slipping away. I regret not exploring more before her. I only slept with 2 women before. When I tried to break up, she begged me to stay and offered that I could sleep around while she waited but I refused because that wouldn’t be fair to her. I’m still dating her but feel guilty for leading her on. I’ve lost myself in this relationship and put on 10 kg. I hate the way I look. I wanted someone who would push me, but she’s my mirror. We even say the same things and act alike. We often leave the house messy because we’re both struggling mentally and isolated from friends. She had therapy for a while but stopped due to cost. Her therapist once told her that they knew the girl I talked to. It used to be one of their old patients but she was problematic. The fact that the therapist told my gf the confidential info about that other girl made me distrust therapy even more. Although I know people will say I need it. Please tell me what you think about this situation. You can be harsh, because I know that what I did was not moral at all. I haven’t told any of my friends this, because I am afraid. All of our friends are common and they would think I am a s!lut. I have been keeping this inside for over one year. Thank you!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19 Posted July 19 It's way past time to end this relationship. It's not doing your girlfriend any favours to stay when it's obvious you don't want to be with her. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet, like any other adult. Yes, she will be upset but she has to take some responsibility for herself here too. Your parents will also have to deal with it, and I doubt they would want you to stay with her when you really don't want to. Doing your masters does not mean you can't end the relationship. This is an excuse. Nobody has to stay in a relationship because of their studies. On some level, you are choosing this. You need to figure out why, and then do the right thing and break up for real. There is no happy ending with this, but you can find happiness elsewhere. Your girlfriend eventually will too, even if she doesn't want to see that yet.
Acacia98 Posted July 19 Posted July 19 First things first, OP: so far, I haven't seen anything that explains why your girlfriend is unable to get a basic job and support herself. I don't see anything about her having a disability or chronic illness that limits her options. I haven't seen anything about her being a non-citizen and not having the papers that would allow her to work legally in the country you live in. There's nothing about her being unable to communicate in the official language. So what really is the problem? You say she's not using you. But I think she is. With your permission. You may have invited her to use you. But if she has a conscience and a sense of self-preservation, she should not continue accepting your excessive generosity. She's 21, not 15. She should be able to get a job and keep it. I don't care if it's a low-income job. A job is a job. She should also be able to figure out what she can afford and to live within budget. She presumably can't afford to live in your neighborhood, so she should move to a cheaper place. If she has to share with roommates, so be it. You're not her mother. Stop acting like she's your helpless child.
ShyViolet Posted July 19 Posted July 19 (edited) She has been mooching off of you and suffocating you and you have been allowing it. This relationship sounds like it is destroying your mental health and you need to end it, like now. She is being completely manipulative, always saying that she "feels bad" that she doesn't contribute financially, yet she refuses to get a job. This relationship is toxic and needs to end. 12 hours ago, Anonymous said: My parents love her and they’d never forgive me. They would never accept another girl, because SHE is the reason they stopped being homophobic. This is NOT about what your parents want, it's your life and your decision. I sincerely hope that your irrational mind is distorting things and that your parents are not truly this toxic. I have to think they would understand and just want you to do what is best for you. But even if this is true, that they like her and wouldn't want you to break up with her, that is NOT a reason to stay in this relationship. 12 hours ago, Anonymous said: My past relationships were traumatic - one landed me in the hospital, another was a drug addict, one dug up her dead dog’s skull, and another cheated on me while I paid for everything because she was nearly homeless. So you have a history of making really bad, toxic decisions in relationships. You seriously need to get out of this current one, and then not date again for a long time until you get some serious therapy. You need to focus on yourself and your own mental health. Stop letting relationships ruin your life. Edited July 19 by ShyViolet
smackie9 Posted July 25 Posted July 25 This is where you start: Sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation with them about this. Since they were very supportive last time, I bet money on it they will be supportive of you again. You assume way too much. You are their daughter! You obviously will come first. And they will reassure you/support you of any decision you make. They just want to see you to flourish and be happy. There is no way they are going to be mad with you. Your GF on the other hand, well it may get rough, but ending a relationship is rarely easy. BUT that shouldn't stop you from following your dreams. In other words, from this boomer (me): It's time to grow up, pull up your boot straps and get on with it. You can do this.
ShySoul Posted July 26 Posted July 26 On 7/18/2025 at 6:49 PM, Anonymous said: I am succesful, I've even been on the news, but I feel empty, like I sold my soul for money. Sometimes, I think the only escape is death. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but I’m scared to leave. My parents love her and they’d never forgive me. They would never accept another girl, because SHE is the reason they stopped being homophobic. The issue isn't with her, it's within you. You don't feel fulfiled or happy. You aren't doing the things that you want to do and feel pressured to please everyone around you. You are even thinking of death as a release, which is troubling. With your parents, talk to them. They surprised you once by accepting a girl. Who says they won't surprise you again? They should want you to be happy. If they knew you were dreaming of death to escape, they would be concerned for you. They would understand that you aren't in the right state of mind to be in a relationship right now. And most likely, when the time comes, they would be open to someone else because it would make you happy. Most parents just want us to be with someone who makes us feel better. And it doesn't mean they can't still be friends with her if they want to. My brother got a divorce from his first wife and yet remained close to the inlaws. On 7/18/2025 at 6:49 PM, Anonymous said: I’m on medication and feel like my youth is slipping away. I regret not exploring more before her. I only slept with 2 women before. Exploring isn't all it's made out to be. Being with multiple people won't make you feel better. This is a fear of commitment. You see marriage as a trap. You are afraid to settle down. It's okay not to be ready for that. But please don't think that being with other people will make you feel better or is something that you need to do in your youth. Plenty of people only sleep with two others, or even less. Some people are even fine with only sleeping with one person their whole life. How many people we are with isn't nearly as important as being with the right person. In the end, you need to find something for yourself, something that drives you and makes you want to continue. Seeking approval of finding it in others won't ever really make you happy. True happiness comes from within.
Rockmysocks Posted August 4 Posted August 4 On 7/19/2025 at 11:49 AM, Anonymous said: I’m stuck. Leaving my girlfriend now would ruin my relationship with my family, and she’d have nowhere to go. No. Nothing would ruin your relationship with your family if they really loved you, and it's obvious they do. That's what families do, they stick together. Sometimes, when we're still very young & don't have much life experience yet, everything seems so dramatic, especially when it comes to romance. But as you get older you'll understand that it's not life & death. You break up with someone, they'll eventually move on & so will you. If it doesn't feel right, then get out. Don't do yourselves both a disservice by soldiering on & wasting time, because it's obvious from what you've said things will eventually come to a head & it will end badly anyway. It's your choice to stay because you think she's financially dependent on you. You're not beholden to take care of any other grown & filly functioning adult that way, unless you want to live a life of misery. There's no perfect time for a breakup, just the same as there's no perfect time for a hookup. So get out of it if your relationship feels like s*** & start living again.
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