Mixed Signals After Reconnecting – Unsure About Where This Is Going

[Anonymous]

TL;DR:
Reconnected with a woman I had a summer fling with 4 years ago. We’ve both recently gotten out of relationships and started talking again, mostly through Snapchat. She’s super busy and independent — I’ve asked her out multiple times, but she rarely has time. She did initiate a hike once and came over another time, which led to us sleeping together. She was affectionate afterward but said we should keep things casual. We still chat daily and share a lot, but she’s distant about making plans. I'm confused — is she interested but just keeping it light for summer, or is she not into this at all? Not looking for a casual friendship, but unsure where I stand.


Hi,

About four years ago, I had a summer fling with this girl (she’s 28, I’m 39 now). Recently, we both got out of long-term relationships (around six months ago) and coincidentally ran into each other at the gym, where we’ve both had started working out again. We started talking, added each other on Snapchat, and quickly got into daily chats and snap exchanges.

She’s very social, always has something going on, and has a strong, independent personality — even a bit masculine in her way of being. Over the past 5–6 weeks, I’ve asked her out to do something four times, but each time she’s said she was busy and never followed up with another time. However, she did invite me on a hike once in between, which we went on, and then about two weeks later, she called and said she wanted to come over.

That night, we slept together and she stayed over. The next morning she was really affectionate — woke up early, laid on my chest, held my hand — it felt like we picked up right where we left off years ago. She originally planned to stay until 5 p.m., but left a couple of hours earlier because she’d forgotten plans with a friend. She told me she’d been holding back for the past couple of weeks, but when she saw me that day, she just knew we’d end up sleeping together. She also said we shouldn’t hang out as intensely as we did four years ago, and basically agreed to keep things casual — hooking up now and then.

When her ride came to pick her up, we stood at the door kissing for a while until I pointed out that she should probably go so she wouldn’t keep her friend waiting.

Later that day, and over the next couple of days, she messaged more than usual — sending updates, showing me what she was up to. A few days later, I asked if she wanted to meet up again. She said she’d try to come by the next day, but was swamped preparing for a long weekend trip. That night, she sent me a message showing the chaos of her packing and said she wouldn’t be able to make it.

During her trip, our communication dropped off. She seemed a bit distant, but I  she was away with friends and probably taking a break from her phone — as she should being on a trip with her friends. A couple of days after she got back, things picked up again. I didn’t ask to meet up because she had to prep for a two-week vacation starting that weekend, and I was leaving for a short trip myself. Also, I figured the ball was in her court. We did work out together one day, and she was quite chatty telling me about the weekend with her friends — even waited for me afterwards instead of just leaving like she normally does.

When I left for my trip, she sent a message wishing me a great time.

I know she’s trying to keep her summer free to do whatever she wants without feeling tied down — which I get. She has plans with friends pretty much every day. I don’t mind taking things slow either.

Still, I’m feeling a bit confused. On one hand, she seems interested — we talk a lot, she shares a lot, and she seems genuinely curious about my life. But on the other hand, she’s so relaxed and non-committal about seeing each other that I’m starting to wonder if she’s actually interested at all — or if I’m just misreading things. Maybe she’s conflicted, or maybe I’m just not seeing the signs clearly.

I’d really like to see where this could go after summer — to spend more time together and see if it could turn into something. But with how things are right now, I don’t know where I stand. I’m definitely not looking for a friendship like this — constant talking, sharing, emotional closeness — unless it’s heading somewhere more.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it play out?

[Sanch62]

22 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

...She was affectionate afterward but said we should keep things casual.

 

Quote

... Not looking for a casual friendship, but unsure where I stand.

These two things don't match. So, there's really nothing to 'figure out'.

She wants casual, and only when it's convenient for her. You don't want casual... so what are you doing focusing on her?

Confusion only comes in when you're trying to convert someone into wanting what they do not want. Which, as you've noticed, doesn't work.

Otherwise, it's all pretty straightforward. Choose where YOU stand, and then find someone who matches you on that.

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

TL;DR:
Reconnected with a woman I had a summer fling with 4 years ago. We’ve both recently gotten out of relationships and started talking again, mostly through Snapchat. She’s super busy and independent — I’ve asked her out multiple times, but she rarely has time. She did initiate a hike once and came over another time, which led to us sleeping together. She was affectionate afterward but said we should keep things casual. We still chat daily and share a lot, but she’s distant about making plans. I'm confused — is she interested but just keeping it light for summer, or is she not into this at all? Not looking for a casual friendship, but unsure where I stand.


Hi,

About four years ago, I had a summer fling with this girl (she’s 28, I’m 39 now). Recently, we both got out of long-term relationships (around six months ago) and coincidentally ran into each other at the gym, where we’ve both had started working out again. We started talking, added each other on Snapchat, and quickly got into daily chats and snap exchanges.

She’s very social, always has something going on, and has a strong, independent personality — even a bit masculine in her way of being. Over the past 5–6 weeks, I’ve asked her out to do something four times, but each time she’s said she was busy and never followed up with another time. However, she did invite me on a hike once in between, which we went on, and then about two weeks later, she called and said she wanted to come over.

That night, we slept together and she stayed over. The next morning she was really affectionate — woke up early, laid on my chest, held my hand — it felt like we picked up right where we left off years ago. She originally planned to stay until 5 p.m., but left a couple of hours earlier because she’d forgotten plans with a friend. She told me she’d been holding back for the past couple of weeks, but when she saw me that day, she just knew we’d end up sleeping together. She also said we shouldn’t hang out as intensely as we did four years ago, and basically agreed to keep things casual — hooking up now and then.

When her ride came to pick her up, we stood at the door kissing for a while until I pointed out that she should probably go so she wouldn’t keep her friend waiting.

Later that day, and over the next couple of days, she messaged more than usual — sending updates, showing me what she was up to. A few days later, I asked if she wanted to meet up again. She said she’d try to come by the next day, but was swamped preparing for a long weekend trip. That night, she sent me a message showing the chaos of her packing and said she wouldn’t be able to make it.

During her trip, our communication dropped off. She seemed a bit distant, but I  she was away with friends and probably taking a break from her phone — as she should being on a trip with her friends. A couple of days after she got back, things picked up again. I didn’t ask to meet up because she had to prep for a two-week vacation starting that weekend, and I was leaving for a short trip myself. Also, I figured the ball was in her court. We did work out together one day, and she was quite chatty telling me about the weekend with her friends — even waited for me afterwards instead of just leaving like she normally does.

When I left for my trip, she sent a message wishing me a great time.

I know she’s trying to keep her summer free to do whatever she wants without feeling tied down — which I get. She has plans with friends pretty much every day. I don’t mind taking things slow either.

Still, I’m feeling a bit confused. On one hand, she seems interested — we talk a lot, she shares a lot, and she seems genuinely curious about my life. But on the other hand, she’s so relaxed and non-committal about seeing each other that I’m starting to wonder if she’s actually interested at all — or if I’m just misreading things. Maybe she’s conflicted, or maybe I’m just not seeing the signs clearly.

I’d really like to see where this could go after summer — to spend more time together and see if it could turn into something. But with how things are right now, I don’t know where I stand. I’m definitely not looking for a friendship like this — constant talking, sharing, emotional closeness — unless it’s heading somewhere more.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it play out?

It sounds like she's telling you exactly what she wants, to hang out and hook up sometimes, and for both of you to be free to drop in or out whenever you want.

It sounds like unfortunately you aren't cool with that and want something more. I know it's tempting to keep her around but if you're developing feelings it's only going to drive you nuts pretty quickly. I'd either tell her you're catching feelings and want something more without much expectation she's going to feel the same way, or just wish her well and say it's been fun but you're on different wavelengths.

[FredEire]

Also FWB can still act affectionate without it really meaning anything, it can just be something that feels good in that moment.

That kind of arrangement has almost always developed into a situationship for me, but one of the few times it truly worked was a bisexual girl who was more into girls but took a liking to me and wanted to hook up for a while.

We'd cuddle a bit when she came over, but outside of hooking up it genuinely just felt like a friendship. We got on well and enjoyed having sex, but there was genuinely nothing romantic about it and the cuddling never felt that way for me and I don't think it did for her either.

The way you describe her she sounds a bit like my friend, but you're ascribing meaning to some gestures where she's probably just playing around in reality.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think there is anything confusing here. She told you she wanted a casual fling. You want something more serious. Obviously, these two things don’t match each other.

The fact that she is affectionate to you doesn’t mean that she wants a serious relationship with you. I’ve had casual flings with women during which there was a lot of genuine affection from both sides. People can like each other and have respect for each other and have a degree of sexual chemistry between each other, but that doesn’t mean that each such situation invariably ends in a serious relationship. She isn’t conflicted, on the contrary, she expresses very clearly what she wants.

If you aren’t fine with only having casual sex with her, you should move on. Getting your hopes up and becoming more and more attached to her will only cause you more disappointment and pain in the future.

 

[ShyViolet]

Listen to what she has told you.  She explicitly said she is only interested in something casual, and to hook up occasionally.  And her behavior is consistent with that.  You clearly want more and wouldn't be satisfied with something as casual and inconsistent as what she is giving you.  So don't get attached because she doesn't want the same things you do.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it being summer has anything to do with it, OP. 

She isn't interested in the way you are, unfortunately. This isn't about taking it slow or confusion on her end. She is happy to keep things casual because that's all she wants from you, it appears. So, for her it's no problem to keep in touch and enjoy your attention and affection when it suits. 

If you're hoping to actually date her, you are going to be disappointed. I would strongly recommend that you keep a healthy distance from her or you will get hurt later. 

[enterthevoid]

 

Quote

she said we should keep things casual. We still chat daily and share a lot, but she’s distant about making plans.

This is the answer to your question.   She wants an online acquaintance that sometimes has casual sex.  Not a relationship.

There is no miscommunication or mixed signals.  She clearly told you what she wanted.  You understand what she wants.  You just disagree with it.

 

 

 

Edited 20 hours ago by enterthevoid

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, enterthevoid said:

 

This is the answer to your question.   She wants an online acquaintance that sometimes has casual sex.  Not a relationship.

There is no miscommunication or mixed signals.  She clearly told you what she wanted.  You understand what she wants.  You just disagree with it.

 

 

 

Yeah basically. There are no "mixed signals" here, except from you. It sounds like she is being completely fair and upfront. If you don't like that that's on you quite frankly, not on her.