Hitting crossroad on life with values

[theoneandonly12]

I am in my 30s and have a decent paying job. I am hitting a crossroad and having difficulty on deciding what I really want out of life.

On one hand my original plan when I was single was live with my parents and eventually take over my parents house. Their house is in a really good location. My parents depend on me financially so it was only fitting. I picture having the option to retire much earlier, travel, enjoy life, and not have to work as much. Just work part time. There is alot of freedom and certainty with this path. I always dislike work and trading time for money. Being able to have the option to work whenever I want and eventually escape the rat race per se was appealing. 

Now I have a girlfriend soon to be wife and she wants independence and basically the american dream. House in the suburbs, have kids, etc... Houses here are expensive. I am just worried about being trapped like I see so many people are. Living the rat race working all the time paying bills. They don't even have the time to enjoy their life. I do want kids, but I don't care for nice house if it means that I am trapped. However thats like the next stage of being an adult is having your own place and living your life. So I guess it boils down to being selfish, choosing money/financial freedom or choosing traditional roles of an adult. What is deemed fulfilling. Anyone got personal stories? 

Edited July 18 by theoneandonly12

[Els]

If you want kids, how exactly do you envision that happening with your plan? You are really expecting your wife and kids to live with your parents as well?

Look dude, you gotta choose. Nothing in life is free. If you want kids, you need to at least be capable of paying a mortgage. If you want to retire early, travel a lot, not have to work much... you can't have kids. You could potentially still have a wife, IF your wife is willing to not have kids and to live this lifestyle.

Also I'm not really seeing how "your parents depending on you financially" is going to work with your early retirement plan. If your parents are genuinely completely dependent on you financially, that is going to be MUCH more financially intensive than supporting a wife and kids, because as they get older they will need more medical attention, potentially a full-time carer, etc.

Let's say you follow your plan, retire at 50. Somehow you manage to make that happen despite having kids (unlikely, but let's go with that hypothetical anyway). At the same time your parents are now 80+ and they are diagnosed with medical conditions that require a lot of medical care and at-home care. Who is going to pay for that? Even in countries with universal healthcare, good elder care isn't free. This is why people are encouraged to plan and save for their own retirement so that they aren't financially burdening their kids.

As for eventually taking over your parents' house, you realize that this is likely to only happen when you are 60+ yo right? You might not even live til then.

Anyway, to answer your question, I chose to not have kids, and I'm also not financially responsible for my parents. This gives me plenty of financial freedom and plenty of time to enjoy life, travel, etc. 

(Edit: I just checked your post history and apparently you're in the USA. Ummm... good luck with your plans, is all I can say. Your parents' medical bills are going to be enormous.)

Edited July 20 by Els

[ShySoul]

On 7/18/2025 at 5:25 AM, theoneandonly12 said:

I am just worried about being trapped like I see so many people are. Living the rat race working all the time paying bills. They don't even have the time to enjoy their life. I do want kids, but I don't care for nice house if it means that I am trapped.

Why do you see this as a binary choice? Why does having a job, going to work and paying the bills have to mean you are trapped and can't enjoy life?

What you are underestimating is that when you have a wife and children, it's not just about the work and supporting them. They actually can motivate you to do the work. They can make the long hours or frustrations worth it because you know at the end of the day you get to go home to them. It's not that a parent who works doesn't have time to enjoy their own life, it's that they find enjoyment in different things then a single person might. Sure, you don't get a wild weekend in Vegas or some exotic and tropical vacation. But you don't care as much because getting to push a child on a swing or reading them a bedtime story turns out to be just as enjoyable. 

My father married my mother when she already had two sons. Then they had me. There was never a lot of money. We had an apartment, they never were able to buy a house. We still found a way to take a few vacations when I was younger - Grand Canyon, Yosemite, visiting relatives. Things weren't always easy. But I am sure my mother would say she didn't feel trapped because she had three children to care for. And I am sure if my father was still alive he wouldn't say he felt trapped either. 

My brother ended up with a woman who had two daughters. They had a son togther. He struggled to make money and care for them. Things weren't easy for them - they lost one of the girls when she was five, ended up divorcing, and he had a stroke that forced him to stop working. But I don't think he ever felt trapped and he wanted to do the best he could for all three children. And seeing his son graduate high school this year was an enjoyable and worthwhile result.

Guess I'm saying that where you are, the home you have, having to work or getting the luxury of free time... none of that defines our life. What counts most is the kind of person we are and the people we spend our life with. If you have a family, that family becomes top priority and is what makes life enjoyable. If you aren't ready for that, then you shouldn't be having a family at this time.

[Els]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

But I am sure my mother would say she didn't feel trapped because she had three children to care for. And I am sure if my father was still alive he wouldn't say he felt trapped either. 

They wouldn't say this to you, of course. What kind of person would ever say that to their own children? But it doesn't necessarily mean that they've never felt it or thought it or said it to a close friend.

And it's not necessarily a bad thing either. The friends who have told me that they wouldn't have kids if they could go back in time... they still love their children and want the very best of them. But no, they did not get enjoyment from the countless nights of waking up to feed and soothe the baby, not having any time for themselves, having to make sacrifices in their careers, or having to give up their hobbies and lifestyles. Like you said, it's not a binary thing.

I'm sure there are also people who do genuinely find parenthood very fulfilling and the most enjoyable thing in life, as well. Different people want different things in life. It's up to each of us to figure out what we want and to go for it, downsides and tradeoffs included.

[ShyViolet]

If the word that comes to mind when you think about a life with your girlfriend is "trapped", then she is not the one for you.  And you don't sound like you really want to have kids.  You should never have kids unless you truly, enthusiastically want to.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Was your girlfriend aware of your life plan when you two decided to get married? 

[BaileyB]

On 7/21/2025 at 6:41 AM, Els said:

And it's not necessarily a bad thing either. The friends who have told me that they wouldn't have kids if they could go back in time... they still love their children and want the very best of them. But no, they did not get enjoyment from the countless nights of waking up to feed and soothe the baby, not having any time for themselves, having to make sacrifices in their careers, or having to give up their hobbies and lifestyles. Like you said, it's not a binary thing.

I'm sure there are also people who do genuinely find parenthood very fulfilling and the most enjoyable thing in life, as well. Different people want different things in life.

Just wanted to add, this is not a static thing either. They say the early years are the hardest, with young children. I once heard someone say - “there is a reason why young children are so cute! Because if they weren’t, nobody would want to put the time and energy into caring for them” It’s a ton of work!

But, that effort for many is rewarded when those children get older, when they become adults, and have their own children. Of course, not everyone enjoys the teen years and some don’t get along with their adult children. But others do - and watching the children they nurtured grow to become adults and raise their own children can be a great pride and joy in life. 

As with everything in life, one’s perspective and experience changes over time…

[BaileyB]

On 7/20/2025 at 11:51 AM, Els said:

Look dude, you gotta choose. Nothing in life is free. If you want kids, you need to at least be capable of paying a mortgage. If you want to retire early, travel a lot, not have to work much... you can't have kids. You could potentially still have a wife, IF your wife is willing to not have kids and to live this lifestyle.

This. Your life is a direct reflection of the choices that you make - choose well. 

I would just add, the decision is not as black and white as you present. Many people are able to find a compromise, they negotiate together to build a life that brings joy and fulfillment to both partners. If you are not able to do that, you are not compatible with your partner - you want different things in life. That’s ok, but you need to communicate your intentions honestly so that your partner can make the best decision for herself as well.

[S2B]

If your wife wants all that - is she willing to work full time and provide all of that for you?

is she aware of your plan before you met her?

it’s possible you aren’t a good match unless she is going to provide all of the things she wants for the relationship. Leaving you to provide for your parents.