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I’ve been hurt so much just TRYING to date that I don’t know if I can continue

Volcanferno

By Volcanferno
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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Volcanferno New Member

Volcanferno

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Posted

It’s super bad honestly.  I’m very very inexperienced for my age at 28M.  Two girlfriends, both last 6 months.  Both complained about how bad I am at sex.  I am afraid no woman will want me due to how bad I am at it.  I can’t please them.

At age 20, I lost my father to suicide, and for 5 years I suffered PTSD combined with OCD and depression.  My mother was there for me the whole time but that was it.  Grandparents, uncle, aunt, they couldn’t give less of a f*** about any of us.  Grandparents even made fun of us and said “haha you must be hated by god”.

Now for dating, well.. I don’t act like an incel. If I did, I’m not sure how I would have lifelong female friends.  But I cannot COUNT how many times I’ve been called an incel irl and online.  I’m nervous around women due to all this… and I’ve had more than a few women tell me to give up and die alone.  They can tell I’m inexperienced.

One woman caught I was nervous and I accidentally creeped her out.  Simply put, she was creeped out, but she lied to HR and said I “touched her”.  Which I didn’t.

I recently met a gf who I thought would be patient only to learn she was cheating on me. Her excuse was “well, you suck in bed.  Of course I’m gonna cheat.  You won’t find anyone willing to put up with it.”

I know I should be a man, but EIGHT YEARS of this BS is finally getting to me.  Am I truly just cooked?

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

Posted
Posted

This is not something any of us can answer. The best thing you could do is get some one-on-one counselling from a professional who specialises in social anxiety and unresolved grief. Feeling inadequate and hopeless is a dangerous state of mind to be in and you need proper mental health support so that you can move forward and begin to get your life under control. Sending you a hug. 

Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Volcanferno said:

But I cannot COUNT how many times I’ve been called an incel irl and online.  

Can you tell us what exactly caused other people to call you that? I’m not saying that they are right, but what exactly were they reacting to?

 

10 minutes ago, Volcanferno said:

I’ve had more than a few women tell me to give up and die alone

I’m almost 50 years old and I’ve seen all sorts of women in my life. But I’ve never met or even heard about a woman who would say something horrible like that. Not even in a state of great anger. Not even as a reaction to something horrible that the man did.

If what you’re saying is literally true, that you, at the age of 28, have already heard such an awful thing from more than one woman, there are only two possible explanations. Either you did something so bad to them that it caused them to lash out like that, or something has been causing you to subconsciously choose incredibly mean and toxic women for your dating purposes.

In either case, I highly recommend finding a good therapist to help you solve such a serious problem.

 

17 minutes ago, Volcanferno said:

Her excuse was “well, you suck in bed.  Of course I’m gonna cheat.  You won’t find anyone willing to put up with it.”

This is something one would perhaps hear from a traditional wife from 19th century or before, who couldn’t divorce her unloved husband to whom she was forcefully wed, yet wished to satisfy her sexual needs that he was unable to fulfill, so the only thing left for her to do was to cheat.

Modern women don’t cheat when they are sexually dissatisfied with their partners, they either try to solve the problem together or break up with them. What your ex says is absolutely ridiculous and untrue.

That said, you admit yourself that you aren’t good in bed. May I ask what exactly makes you say so? Most such problems are psychological and mental, and even some of the purely physiological problems can be solved. At the age of 28, you shouldn’t just say “I’m bad in bed”, you should try to get better.

  • Like 2
ShySoul Established Member

ShySoul

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry your are having a hard time. I wish I knew why it seems to come so easy for some people and not for others. I wish I could make things be different for you. What I can say is I know how challenging it can be when you don't have much luck. And I can say that these women you run across who say bad things or lie about you? They are the minority. There are much better women out there. Any women who cheats and then blames you for it isn't worth your time. They are doing this to avoid dealing with their own issues. They are the messed up one, not you. 

I have also had many women tell me that being inexperienced isn't a bad thing. When I was a bit younger then you I had even less experience then you do. I had women telling me they found it sweet and made me more attractive. They liked that I was not rushing into anything and they wouldn't feel pressured to do something. They liked the idea of sharing new things with me, being the one that would be first for various things. And as I did get experience, the woman never seemed to have a problem with me or what I did. When the people involved really care for each other and you can both relax and just be in the moment, it tends to be fine. Genuine love and enthusiasm means more then experience.

5 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

At age 20, I lost my father to suicide, and for 5 years I suffered PTSD combined with OCD and depression.  My mother was there for me the whole time but that was it.  Grandparents, uncle, aunt, they couldn’t give less of a f*** about any of us.  Grandparents even made fun of us and said “haha you must be hated by god”.

How are you dealing with this? Are you okay? Are you talking to anyone? Making sure you are okay with yourself is the mos important thing. And I'm sorry this happened to you.

Also remember, you don't have to date. The process should be fun. If you aren't having fun with it, you don't need to be doing it. That doesn't mean you are giving up or will always be alone. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can take a break. You can take the time to heal yourself and just have fun on your own, no pressures of what other peple will think. Life is more then dating and relationships. And you have to be whole on your own before you can combine with another person.

There are many ways to find someone. Dating is just one method. I've never tried my hand at dating. It hasn't stopped me from meeting women naturally and becoming friends. And some of those friendships became more. By focusing on me and taking the time to really know a person, letting things develop, it removed a lot of the stress and pressure of dating. And when things did happen, because I knew the person so well as a friend, I could trust she wasn't the kind to lie or cheat. We both knew our strengths and weaknesses and could better work through problems that came up together.

For now, please make sure you take care of yourself. Process everything that happened in your past and learn to love and accept yourself first. 

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

But I cannot COUNT how many times I’ve been called an incel irl and online.  I’m nervous around women due to all this… and I’ve had more than a few women tell me to give up and die alone.  They can tell I’m inexperienced.

If it was just online I'd say ignore it, because trolling is well and truly alive and "incel" is part of a troll's favored vocabulary.

But if people you know in real life are telling you you're giving them incel vibes... then you probably are. And you need to talk to a therapist about this. Simply saying "I'm not an incel" is not going to fix anything, because clearly people think that you ARE. And this is not something that's common - people don't generally just go around telling everyone IRL that they're an incel. 

Being inexperienced has nothing whatsoever to do with the term "incel", by the way. That term is usually reserved for men who can't take no for an answer, do things that make people feel uncomfortable, display egregious signs of entitlement.

  • Like 2
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But I’ve never met or even heard about a woman who would say something horrible like that.

I have said this to one guy before.

He was in my circle of mutual friends, had a thing for me, and just would NOT take no for an answer.

He asked me out on dates repeatedly. I said no each and every time.

Eventually, I said please stop asking me out, or I'm going to have to stop talking to you. He did it again anyway, via text message.

I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him or attend our group meetups IRL anymore. He flipped out on me and started accusing me of all sorts of things.

So yes, I told him pretty much exactly that. I get incredibly angry when my boundaries are ignored and violated multiple times, especially when I have to give up something that I enjoy thanks to someone's complete disregard towards my consent.

Edited by Els
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

It’s super bad honestly.  I’m very very inexperienced for my age at 28M.  Two girlfriends, both last 6 months.  Both complained about how bad I am at sex.  I am afraid no woman will want me due to how bad I am at it.  I can’t please them............... I recently met a gf who I thought would be patient only to learn she was cheating on me. Her excuse was “well, you suck in bed.  Of course I’m gonna cheat.  You won’t find anyone willing to put up with it.”

Clearly you've got to make improvements in the bedroom.   If you want to talk this through further, perhaps make a post to discuss and get advice in our Sex subforum 

22 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

Now for dating, well.. I don’t act like an incel. If I did, I’m not sure how I would have lifelong female friends.  But I cannot COUNT how many times I’ve been called an incel irl and online.  I’m nervous around women due to all this… and I’ve had more than a few women tell me to give up and die alone.  They can tell I’m inexperienced.

If you're getting called incel in person and online, then it can only be beause you're displaying attitudes which incel guys do.  Generally it's around entitlement, or use of phrases like Chad and Stacey.  Can you give examples of what you've said prior to being accused of being an incel? 

22 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

One woman caught I was nervous and I accidentally creeped her out.  Simply put, she was creeped out, but she lied to HR and said I “touched her”.  Which I didn’t.

Even if you didn't touch her, don't go hitting on women at work.  

22 hours ago, Volcanferno said:

I know I should be a man, but EIGHT YEARS of this BS is finally getting to me.  Am I truly just cooked?

And this is why you're getting labelled incel.  Calling this situation BS instead of asking how you can improve smells like entitlement

Edited by basil67
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