Ghosted in Situationship

[Anonymous]

Where do I begin?  In late 2022, I met a guy through a dating app and felt like we instantly hit it off.  From the get go, he was pretty flakey.  We'd make plans and then last minute he'd let me know he was stuck working, or just wouldn't say anything.  He always has been the King of Excuses too.  From him saying his phone died, his family needed to borrow his truck to go pick up something, he was helping rescue a dog, he locked his phone and keys in his truck, etc., etc., in hindsight, it's laughable at how stupidly I fell for all of it.  But he strung my sorry self along for nearly 3 years.  There were a couple gaps of time in there when we didn't speak, or I got tired of his excuses and zero effort and told him as much.  Last Fall, he ghosted me completely out of the blue, resurfaced 3 months later saying he was stressed about work at the time, etc.  He said he wouldn't do it again, and I told him how hurtful it was.  We had dinner together in December, and I thought it went well.  We then have continued to text since then, but haven't gotten together because he's always "busy with work" where I know that if he was truly interested, he could've made time.  I hung on to his every word for so long.  His texts weren't consistent, but he'd always pop up eventually.  He'd say how sexy I was to him, and how he couldn't wait to see me.  Or how he wasn't talking to anyone else because he didn't have time for it.  There was something about this guy that I really was attracted to and I felt something for him.

Fast forward to last week.  We are friends on TikTok.  He has very few friends on his list there, but I saw a new girl added.  TikTok thinking it was being helpful suggested her to me.  Automatically, I'm like hmm, could this be the other person in his life since he's always been so emotionally distant when he disappears?  I waited a week and then asked him.  He said they met on a dating site long ago, and hadn't spoke for a long time until they reconnected on TikTok recently.  Automatically, my heart sank.  Granted, we weren't official, but I feel like after all this time and his BS, he could've told me he was talking to others.  It would've hurt but I would MUCH rather have heard the truth than to feel like this once I found out.  He got all defensive and then said how they never met in person because she lived far away, but she is cool.  Alrighty then!  I messaged her on TT and told her she looked like someone I went to High School with and wondered if she went to school where I did (which was a fib) and was like "oh hey, I see we have a mutual friend"  Yesterday afternoon, after I told him how I felt and how I really did like him, and hoped he could be honest with me if he was interested in others, because it's okay and I'd rather just know I'm not the only one he's entertaining and vice versa.  He'd always say, "oh, we should go out on __ night' and then it would never be mentioned again.  I'm stupid for even giving him the time of day, I know.  But oddly, I liked knowing he was in my life in whatever capacity you'd call it.   Anyway, he texts me and says, "Oh my god, did you actually text her?"  And my heart sunk.  I explained to him and said why I did (which was also a fib) and he said "She's asking who you are now" and how she wasn't saying what I was telling him.  I'm like well IDK what she's saying I said to her, but it was nothing and I can show you if you'd like to see.  He never replied.  I sent him a goodnight text, no reply.  So I've been ghosted yet again.  

I understand how maybe I crossed the line, but I also feel like after ALL this time, while he doesn't owe me the world, he kind of owes me the truth and some honesty and to frigging stop ghosting me and to man up and be honest and talk to me instead of acting as if I never existed.  Will he come back in a few months, like before?  Who knows.  I guess the real question for me is WHY do I keep allowing him to do this and treat me as an option when he's ready.  I guess I had high hopes, especially after last time, that he wouldn't ghost me but instead tell me to get lost, and I wouldn't ask any questions.  That would hurt a lot less than how I'm feeling now.  Please don't be harsh on me, I'm already feeling crappy enough.  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

frigging stop ghosting me and to man up and be honest and talk to me instead of acting as if I never existed.

You got it backwards, girl 

You need to friggin stop letting him back into your life, and stop leading yourself on. It couldn't really be any clearer that he's not interested in dating you, and just keeps you around on a very distant backburner in case he ever feels like attention. 

Should he be man enough to be homest and stop tugging your chain? Yes. But you should also be woman enough to demand better for yourself and let go of dead weight way before it gets to this point. That part's not on him. It's on you. I'm a woman too and we all too often let tools like this orbit us when we know perfectly well it won't amount to anything. 

10 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I guess the real question for me is WHY do I keep allowing him to do this

You really need to get to the bottom of this. You've let this drag on way, way too long. 

11 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Will he come back in a few months, like before? 

He can't cone back without your permission. So, stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best friend. You are responsible for your own happiness. Making choices you know very well will not be good for you is up to nobody else but you. 

 

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You got it backwards, girl 

You need to friggin stop letting him back into your life, and stop leading yourself on. It couldn't really be any clearer that he's not interested in dating you, and just keeps you around on a very distant backburner in case he ever feels like attention. 

Should he be man enough to be homest and stop tugging your chain? Yes. But you should also be woman enough to demand better for yourself and let go of dead weight way before it gets to this point. That part's not on him. It's on you. I'm a woman too and we all too often let tools like this orbit us when we know perfectly well it won't amount to anything. 

You really need to get to the bottom of this. You've let this drag on way, way too long. 

He can't cone back without your permission. So, stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best friend. You are responsible for your own happiness. Making choices you know very well will not be good for you is up to nobody else but you. 

 

Thank you.  This is truly what I needed to hear.  I've been so caught up in a weird illusion for so long with him, that will have never come true, even though the way he did talk to me made me think just maybe,

[Acacia98]

OP, please tell me that you've been dating other people during this three-year period.

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, please tell me that you've been dating other people during this three-year period.

Occasionally, but I've always felt like if this dude would get his crap together I'd chose him anyday.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

've always felt like if this dude would get his crap together I'd chose him anyday.

Oh boy. 

You need to get to the bottom of why you were so hung up on someone who barely wanted to see you. He has his crap together. He just isn't interested in haing a relationship with you. You need to learn to distinguish the difference and not sell yourself false hope. I don't mean to rub salt in the wound but you do realize he's probably been dating and/or sleeping with other women this entire time, right?

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

understand how maybe I crossed the line,

There's no maybe about it. You definitely did. He's no prize, but he's also not your boyfriend and you don't have the right to go tracking down women he might be involved with. I hope you see that now, and don't repeat this sort of behaviour in the future. Something similar once happened to me, with a guy I'd met and gone out with a few times. Suddently this strange woman was messaging me online, trying to suss out how I knew him. It was weird and felt very invasive to me. Turns out she was somone he'd dated months before, who'd had trouble letting go. I didn't respond to her. I just blocked her, and I can tell you that what I thought of her is not very flattering. You don't want to paint yourself like that again. 

[Anonymous]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh boy. 

You need to get to the bottom of why you were so hung up on someone who barely wanted to see you. He has his crap together. He just isn't interested in haing a relationship with you. You need to learn to distinguish the difference and not sell yourself false hope. I don't mean to rub salt in the wound but you do realize he's probably been dating and/or sleeping with other women this entire time, right?

There's no maybe about it. You definitely did. He's no prize, but he's also not your boyfriend and you don't have the right to go tracking down women he might be involved with. I hope you see that now, and don't repeat this sort of behaviour in the future. Something similar once happened to me, with a guy I'd met and gone out with a few times. Suddently this strange woman was messaging me online, trying to suss out how I knew him. It was weird and felt very invasive to me. Turns out she was somone he'd dated months before, who'd had trouble letting go. I didn't respond to her. I just blocked her, and I can tell you that what I thought of her is not very flattering. You don't want to paint yourself like that again. 

IDK, I felt like how I did it was in a friendly tone and not accusatory and i'd love to know what he said about me to her.  I suppose I'm playing this out in my head way more than I should and need to let it go because as you said, he's not really a prize.  I just wish he would've been honest with me, that's all I wanted.  And the fact he can't just be up front and tell me he's done, that's what hurts to just be left hanging after all this time.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

But he strung my sorry self along for nearly 3 years

Your own words.

Stop being a “sorry self” and become a self-respecting self. Remove this guy from your life permanently and never let anyone else treat you that way.

And you did cross a line by communicating with that woman. You can’t interfere in his life like that. The guy owns you absolutely nothing. He is simply not that interested in you. That was clear from the beginning, you are the one who let him hover around for three years because you were having absolutely unreasonable expectations and unrealistic hopes about him.