"No romantic connection" rejection message yet again

[SurfCity]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

I've had a very small number give me something specific and I was happy about it.

What was the feedback and did you change based on the advice you received?

[enterthevoid]

If there's no chemistry, there's nothing you can do about that.  You move on and talk to other women.

Be honest with her.

If you genuinely enjoy playing tennis with her and are 100% okay with being just friends, play with her.

But if you're just doing this for an ulterior motive (i.e. seeing if she has friends, or trying to change her mind), then that is dishonest and you shouldn't do that.

[enterthevoid]

Also, OP has mentioned that he's been rejected many times. 

And to be honest, I think his mindset toward things is part of the reason why. 

• Wanting to change peoples minds to get the outcome he wants rather than accepting a rejection.  
• Wanting to pretend to be someone's friend just in hopes she'll eventually date him

Sure, he may not be explicitly saying these on the dates themselves.  But he's still operating with this kind of mindset, and when you put on a mask, eventually you slip.  Eventually you do subtle things that indicate your real views even if you don't explicitly say them.

 

 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, enterthevoid said:

Also, OP has mentioned that he's been rejected many times. 

And to be honest, I think his mindset toward things is part of the reason why. 

• Wanting to change peoples minds to get the outcome he wants rather than accepting a rejection.  
• Wanting to pretend to be someone's friend just in hopes she'll eventually date him

Sure, he may not be explicitly saying these on the dates themselves.  But he's still operating with this kind of mindset, and when you put on a mask, eventually you slip.  Eventually you do subtle things that indicate your real views even if you don't explicitly say them.

 

 

That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to the OP.

OP, please understand that we can’t change other people. We can’t make them like us if they don’t. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves.

[Sanch62]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, please understand that we can’t change other people. We can’t make them like us if they don’t. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves.

Yes, and that work isn't about pleasing anyone else. It's about getting grounded and stable in an acceptance of yourself as unique, and not everybody's cup of tea.

No standard of perfection CAN please everyone. We are all outliers in that regard, and the more comfortable you can become with that natural fact, the more relaxed you will become with the idea that it takes a special lens for someone to appreciate you. That's a rarity. It's top shelf. It's what makes a connection special, and we can't force that fit.

Keep plowing through the pile of hay to stumble across your golden needle. Anyone who is not that person can pass early, and it just brings you one step closer to finding YOUR person.

[basil67]

@max3732 I'm pretty sure that you've previously said that you don't believe in chemistry.  This is why you're struggling when other people explain that there's no chemistry.

Perhaps you don't believe in chemistry because you've never felt it?   When you do feel it one day, you'll then understand why people aren't moving forward when there's no chemistry

[Philosopher]

On 7/16/2025 at 9:29 PM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, that is a legitimate response - “I’m not sure why exactly, but I’m just not feeling it.” 

While it may not feel like it, the ‘there is no romantic connection’ is one of the better forms of rejection as she is being considerate of your feelings. She is letting you know where you stand right away, but also avoiding mentioning stuff that she may not like about you which could be painful for you to hear. While all rejections are painful to some extent, these rejections are in my opinion, the easiest to bear. 

The last two rejections I have had, have both been ‘I need to check my schedule and will get back to you’ followed by complete silence variety, where you left hanging with some forlorn hope that they could still interested. I have also had one women not only say she did not a date, but very explicitly mention what was wrong with me (in this case she said I was rubbish at conversation).

[enterthevoid]

Quote

‘there is no romantic connection’ is one of the better forms of rejection as she is being considerate of your feelings

Tbh, in most cases, it is this reason, and that's not just a polite rejection.  The majority of dates people go on, there just isn't a spark.  And it doesn't mean either person did anything wrong; that's just how it is a lot of the time.

 

Quote

but also avoiding mentioning stuff that she may not like about you which could be painful for you to hear.

Not just that, but also you shouldn't necessarily change something about yourself just because 1 person doesn't like it.  That same trait one person may dislike, another person may love.

I wouldn't want to say something that would cause someone to be insecure about something that's not actually a problem, or to change something about themselves that doesn't actually need changing.

 

[Gebidozo]

Just asked my partner what messages she used to send to guys she didn’t want to have second dates with.

She said she just didn’t reply at all to their messages asking for second dates, hoping they’d get the hint.

I asked why she didn’t at least send polite, generic rejection messages. She said she didn’t know what to say, she was afraid anything she’d say would sound hurtful.

Edited July 20 by Gebidozo

[justwhoiam]

On 7/15/2025 at 8:58 PM, max3732 said:

Is there any harm in playing with her and see if maybe she knows someone or changes hr mind if she gets to know me?

Hi Max,

The bold part reminds me of this guy I used to know who was clearly into me. He’d always try to sit near me when we were out with friends and mostly talked to me one-on-one. If that wasn’t enough, he even confided his feelings to a mutual male friend.

I’m not the type to make the first move, and while I did find him attractive, he always seemed unsure, like he didn’t really know what he wanted. And boy, was I right. He never had the guts to ask me out. Then, a couple months later, he started showing up regularly to one of my friends' sports practice, clearly trying to get on her radar. If I’d had a 50/50 interest in him before that, it dropped to zero after. I saw him as a total weathercock. And most women don’t want to be with someone who shifts direction that easily.

The reason I’m saying this is: it kind of seems like you want to be with a woman—any woman—but it doesn’t really matter who. Whether it’s her or someone else, it feels interchangeable. And trust me, as a woman, I can pick up on that from a mile away. As long as that’s the vibe you're giving off, you’re going to struggle to connect with a woman who’s looking for more than just a hookup. And from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re not looking for hookups: you want a long-term relationship.

People in the thread mentioned “attraction”. Whether you call it attraction, chemistry, or sexual tension, it all points to the same thing. So how does that happen? It’s a mix of being easy on the eyes and ears, a captivating scent (and sometimes it’s not even cologne but natural pheromones), meaningful eye contact, actually listening and being genuinely interested in what the other person says, being confident, but not needy. The list goes on. Women can brush off a couple turnoffs if there's real chemistry. Like he's not as tall as I thought, but who cares after all? Women can get to love flaws, provided there's chemistry. What's not negotiable is hygiene and respect.

With just three dates, it could take forever to meet the right person. Try speed dating, a singles cruise during the holidays, join some local association, or volunteer somewhere like the Red Cross. You’d meet tons of women.

I don’t know which dating apps you’re using, but if you’re Christian, try DCFF. You never know.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

it kind of seems like you want to be with a woman—any woman—but it doesn’t really matter who. Whether it’s her or someone else, it feels interchangeable.

That is exactly my impression as well.

[max3732]

On 7/18/2025 at 6:53 PM, basil67 said:

@max3732 I'm pretty sure that you've previously said that you don't believe in chemistry.  This is why you're struggling when other people explain that there's no chemistry.

Perhaps you don't believe in chemistry because you've never felt it?   When you do feel it one day, you'll then understand why people aren't moving forward when there's no chemistry

Guess I just feel that chemistry can be created when you get to know someone vs. just the first impression. The reason being that the longest term girlfriend I ever had I didn't care for at all and in fact found annoying at first, but over time and especially time working 1 on 1 with her my feelings changed.

On 7/19/2025 at 8:23 AM, Philosopher said:

While it may not feel like it, the ‘there is no romantic connection’ is one of the better forms of rejection as she is being considerate of your feelings. She is letting you know where you stand right away, but also avoiding mentioning stuff that she may not like about you which could be painful for you to hear. While all rejections are painful to some extent, these rejections are in my opinion, the easiest to bear. 

The last two rejections I have had, have both been ‘I need to check my schedule and will get back to you’ followed by complete silence variety, where you left hanging with some forlorn hope that they could still interested. I have also had one women not only say she did not a date, but very explicitly mention what was wrong with me (in this case she said I was rubbish at conversation).

I would actually prefer if they would unmatch me or not reply than ever hear those dreadful words ever again. You're right the "I need to check my schedule and get back to you" is even worse because you don't know where you stand. This one woman told me she would definitely like to go out again and was looking forward to it, but was traveling for the next 2 weeks. After 2 weeks I contacted her to plan a date and didn't hear back for a week or so. Guess what she said ... "No romantic connection". That one hurt a lot

On 7/19/2025 at 10:40 PM, justwhoiam said:

Hi Max,

The bold part reminds me of this guy I used to know who was clearly into me. He’d always try to sit near me when we were out with friends and mostly talked to me one-on-one. If that wasn’t enough, he even confided his feelings to a mutual male friend.

I’m not the type to make the first move, and while I did find him attractive, he always seemed unsure, like he didn’t really know what he wanted. And boy, was I right. He never had the guts to ask me out. Then, a couple months later, he started showing up regularly to one of my friends' sports practice, clearly trying to get on her radar. If I’d had a 50/50 interest in him before that, it dropped to zero after. I saw him as a total weathercock. And most women don’t want to be with someone who shifts direction that easily.

The reason I’m saying this is: it kind of seems like you want to be with a woman—any woman—but it doesn’t really matter who. Whether it’s her or someone else, it feels interchangeable. And trust me, as a woman, I can pick up on that from a mile away. As long as that’s the vibe you're giving off, you’re going to struggle to connect with a woman who’s looking for more than just a hookup. And from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re not looking for hookups: you want a long-term relationship.

People in the thread mentioned “attraction”. Whether you call it attraction, chemistry, or sexual tension, it all points to the same thing. So how does that happen? It’s a mix of being easy on the eyes and ears, a captivating scent (and sometimes it’s not even cologne but natural pheromones), meaningful eye contact, actually listening and being genuinely interested in what the other person says, being confident, but not needy. The list goes on. Women can brush off a couple turnoffs if there's real chemistry. Like he's not as tall as I thought, but who cares after all? Women can get to love flaws, provided there's chemistry. What's not negotiable is hygiene and respect.

With just three dates, it could take forever to meet the right person. Try speed dating, a singles cruise during the holidays, join some local association, or volunteer somewhere like the Red Cross. You’d meet tons of women.

I don’t know which dating apps you’re using, but if you’re Christian, try DCFF. You never know.

Thank you for your well thought out reply. I can really tell you gave it some thought.

Just wanted to specify I'm not open to jumping from woman to woman and willing to settle for anyone. Before I send a message on a dating app I look at all the photos for tattoos, strange piercings, or anything else and also read her bio and think about if this is someone I'd be interested in dating/marrying before swiping or writing a personal message. "Looks like you were having fun on the ski slope. It's great we're both skiers. Where do you like to ski" or whatever.

I've done that nearly every day for 5+ years now and get very few replies. Of those almost none turn into actual dates that show up. So when I do get on a date it's after a lot of work and is a bigger deal than it should be to me. As I've mentioned before I'm over 40 and still a virgin and would like to change that with the right woman. I would like to be with the right woman for me, but have been criticized on here before for being too selective. 

I have 2 female friends near my age that live near me I see on a regular basis, 1 single and 1 married. So I hope I don't give off the vibe that women are interchangeable.

On all my dates over the years I always have hygiene and respect. What I did this time was somewhat unusual in that I talked too much and didn't ask enough questions. I can remember one other date when I did that. Usually I ask too many questions.

I'm on the league, Hinge, Bumble, and just signed up for Facebook dating. Before that I paid for Match and got 2 dates in 3 years. Never heard of DCFF 

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, max3732 said:

This one woman told me she would definitely like to go out again and was looking forward to it, but was traveling for the next 2 weeks. After 2 weeks I contacted her to plan a date and didn't hear back for a week or so. Guess what she said ... "No romantic connection". That one hurt a lot

 

Why?

Why did a simple rejection message from a woman you barely knew and had one date with hurt you a lot?

Your wife of 25 years leaving you for your best friend, taking the kids and the house with her - now that would be something that could hurt a lot.

You’re blowing things way out of proportion.

To succeed in romance, you have to fail hundreds of times first. That includes real heartbreaks, long-term relationships crashing and burning, possibly divorces, great disappointments, your hopes being cruelly crushed and your heart metaphorically smashed to pieces.

If you’re so fragile that simple rejections from strangers hurt you a lot, you aren’t ready to date and have romantic relationship, just as a soldier who is afraid of mere scratches isn’t ready for battle.

 

 

Edited July 25 by Gebidozo

[max3732]

On 7/16/2025 at 6:38 PM, SurfCity said:

What was the feedback and did you change based on the advice you received?

That I was blinking a lot. It was something I started struggling with in high school when I got nervous, so I tried to slow things down and haven't done it in years. So I'm very happy she told me that.

On 7/16/2025 at 11:46 AM, BaileyB said:

I’m just going to share my experience with you as a woman…

I tried online dating once for a brief period of time. There was a man who messaged with me and it became clear in our conversations that we were not a good match - I declined to meet him. I provided honest feedback when I declined - I told him that I didn’t think we had very much in common and for that reason, I had decided not to meet. I wished him well with his search and he send me a message in return that said something along the lines of “Thanks for nothing. You don’t want to meet because you think you are too good for me, you stuck-up &$!@?! And then, he proceeded to speak in an inappropriate, sexually explicit, and verbally abusive way - I blocked him.

I learned through that experience that it was not always safe to be honest when communicating with men online. After that experience, I gave a positive but generic and vague statement when I told a man that I didn’t not want to meet/continue dating. It was a form of self protection.  

I will also say - she was a prospective date, not a dating coach. She is not obligated to provide you feedback. Online dating is a numbers game. Let’s say that she has been dating online and met three men this week - it would be exhausting to provide feedback to each of those men, to explain to them why she didn’t want to proceed with dating. And sometimes - there is no specific reason except to say - “I’m just not feeling it.” 

You can ask for feedback if you like, but respect her decision to decline to provide more specific information if she is not comfortable doing so.

I can appreciate that it’s frustrating for you when you meet a woman and she declines to continue dating - been there, done that - but understand that this is the common experience when online dating. You are literally trying to find a connection with a virtual stranger. The odds that it will work out are low and you have to be prepared for people to flake out or tell you that they are not interested - 
 

Respectfully, some of your comments in this discussion have been angry and defensive. 

Sorry you had such a negative experience. One I told a woman I wasn't interested and she called and yelled at me and when I blocked her called me back from another number and yelled at me some more in a voicemail. You can't control what crazy people will do and protect yourself, but most people aren't like that.

Ironically reading the comments here is almost more frustrating than the rejection on the dates. People making all kinds of false assumptions about me and my experiences and basically attacking me when I'm most vulnerable. 

On 7/16/2025 at 12:14 PM, Gebidozo said:

There is no need to get bitter and sarcastic. I’ve never in my life used dating apps, gone to singles events, or approached a woman in a grocery store or anywhere in public. That never prevented me from having quite a few relationships, short term and long term. 

And yes, there is resentment and pent-up anger in what you’re saying here and generally in your attitude towards dating. Do I really need to tell you that this is an immense turn-off?

 

Stop being desperate, stop being irritated by lack of success, stop being so eager. You come on too strong, it’s written on your face that you want to find a partner so much. Show that you can be single and happy, be self-sufficient and don’t take yourself too seriously. Be sweet, caring, passionate, and fun to be around.

 

How do you meet women then? I never encounter women around my age in any setting other than on dating apps or places like the grocery store or classes. I've been the way you described for my entire life. How does being sweet, caring, passionate and fun to be around help when there are no women around? My family and work colleagues in other states think the world of me. That doesn't help.

On 7/16/2025 at 3:12 PM, Els said:

You can ask nicely if that's what you truly prefer, but the point is that nobody owes you this. Not a hiring manager and certainly not a woman you've been on one date with. 

Dude, this thread has been one red flag after another. Maybe you'll "get something"!? If all you want is to "get something", have you considered, y'know, just paying for it?

Get some dating practice, a chance to meet someone else more compatible, or for her to get to know me better. What did you think I meant?

On 7/16/2025 at 5:56 PM, basil67 said:

I missed this because you were pretending like you didn't know what went wrong.   But you do know what you did wrong so why the heck does she owe you some kind of explanation?    

And what's with your comment comparing her tennis skills to the guys?   This was a date, not a tryout for a new doubles partner.   This kind of attitude does not reflect well on you

 

That's what I think I did wrong. I don't know for sure.

The reason I mentioned her tennis skills is that I'm just saying if I were to play with her it would be because of wanting to spend time with her as a person vs. working on my game. Why do you attack me for every little comment I make? 

[max3732]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

 

Why?

Why did a simple rejection message from a woman you barely knew and had one date with hurt you a lot?

Your wife of 25 years leaving you for your best friend, taking the kids and the house with her - now that would be something that could hurt a lot.

You’re blowing things way out of proportion.

To succeed in romance, you have to fail hundreds of times first. That includes real heartbreaks, long-term relationships crashing and burning, possibly divorces, great disappointments, your hopes being cruelly crushed and your heart metaphorically smashed to pieces.

If you’re so fragile that simple rejections from strangers hurt you a lot, you aren’t ready to date and have romantic relationship, just as a soldier who is afraid of mere scratches isn’t ready for battle.

 

 

It was because of the combination of excitement that I had over that 2+ weeks of seeing her again and her messages talking about our next date combined with that nails on the chalkboard phrase after all that time. Why string me along for all that time just to give me the generic copy/paste rejection message?

I'm sorry you think I am fragile and deserve to be single and alone and am not ready to date because I get excited about a 2nd date and hurt when someone sends me messages talking about it and then sending that message after that time.

Of course there are things that would hurt a lot more

[Gebidozo]

15 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Just wanted to specify I'm not open to jumping from woman to woman and willing to settle for anyone. Before I send a message on a dating app I look at all the photos for tattoos, strange piercings, or anything else and also read her bio and think about if this is someone I'd be interested in dating/marrying before swiping or writing a personal message.

This is so weird that I don’t even know what to say.

Tattoos, piercings and alike are superficial things that tell you very little, if anything at all, about the person.

Treating dating and romance in such a superficial way is just the other side of the same coin. “Willing to settle for anyone” is simply complemented by  “unless she has tattoos or piercings”.

Instead of getting to know women on the basis of mutual attraction and chemistry, you attempt to select a future wife from a list of candidates. It sounds like you’re browsing for wares on eBay. It doesn’t work like that in the world of romance.

 

[max3732]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

This is so weird that I don’t even know what to say.

Tattoos, piercings and alike are superficial things that tell you very little, if anything at all, about the person.

Treating dating and romance in such a superficial way is just the other side of the same coin. “Willing to settle for anyone” is simply complemented by  “unless she has tattoos or piercings”.

Instead of getting to know women on the basis of mutual attraction and chemistry, you attempt to select a future wife from a list of candidates. It sounds like you’re browsing for wares on eBay. It doesn’t work like that in the world of romance.

 

It tells me a lot about a person and I know I don't want to date or marry a woman with those things and do not find them attractive. Please be respectful of my opinions and values as I am of yours. If you are only replying to attack me and my preferences I would kindly ask that you stop. If you have advice you feel would help I would be happy for you to share it.

You're right I go through dating apps or in person and find someone I find attractive and think would potentially be a good fit and then try to get to know them as people and learn about their lives to see if we're a good match. After 1 date before they can get to know much of anything about me and when I'm still curious about them I hear "no romantic connection. Good luck!". 

What should I change in how I approach it? I'm curious what your specific recommendation is  that I should change. How does it work in the world of romance? 

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, max3732 said:

How do you meet women then? I never encounter women around my age in any setting other than on dating apps or places like the grocery store or classes.

I meet women like everyone else does, through work, friends, sometimes striking an acquaintance in a bar, and so on.

All my long-term relationships originated in study and work environment.

 

12 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I've been the way you described for my entire life. How does being sweet, caring, passionate and fun to be around help when there are no women around?

I’m sorry, I’m going to be blunt because I think you need to hear this. So far, I’ve resent absolutely nothing in your texts that would indicate any of the above.

You said nothing sweet about any of the women you talked about. There was zero passion in your descriptions of your dates or other interactions with women. There was no humor or lightness in the way you described getting hurt by trifle rejections.

On the contrary, the impression I’ve got from your posts is that you’re somewhat self-centered, superficially critical, heavy and awkward in a potentially romantic setting, and at the same time lukewarm, not to say cold, in your approach to sexual chemistry and romance.

To be clear, I don’t doubt that you can be a great friend or a loving, caring family member. I’m talking purely about your romantic persona.

[Gebidozo]

16 minutes ago, max3732 said:

It was because of the combination of excitement that I had over that 2+ weeks of seeing her again and her messages talking about our next date combined with that nails on the chalkboard phrase after all that time. Why string me along for all that time just to give me the generic copy/paste rejection message?

I hope you’re joking.

Doing anything at all for 2+ weeks is not “stringing along”. Stringing along would be staying with you for 5 years out of convenience, without having any feelings for you.

I really advise you to take a break from dating and try to understand what makes you blow things out of proportion in such grotesque ways.

You must understand that this kind of thing repels and scares away women.

 

19 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I'm sorry you think I am fragile and deserve to be single and alone and am not ready to date because I get excited about a 2nd date and hurt when someone sends me messages talking about it and then sending that message after that time.

Your unwarranted bitterness, emotional fragility, and manipulative tendencies (I never said you “deserved to be single and alone”) is another thing you should definitely get rid off (perhaps by way of therapy) before you’re ready to date.

[max3732]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I meet women like everyone else does, through work, friends, sometimes striking an acquaintance in a bar, and so on.

All my long-term relationships originated in study and work environment.

 

I’m sorry, I’m going to be blunt because I think you need to hear this. So far, I’ve resent absolutely nothing in your texts that would indicate any of the above.

You said nothing sweet about any of the women you talked about. There was zero passion in your descriptions of your dates or other interactions with women. There was no humor or lightness in the way you described getting hurt by trifle rejections.

On the contrary, the impression I’ve got from your posts is that you’re somewhat self-centered, superficially critical, heavy and awkward in a potentially romantic setting, and at the same time lukewarm, not to say cold, in your approach to sexual chemistry and romance.

To be clear, I don’t doubt that you can be a great friend or a loving, caring family member. I’m talking purely about your romantic persona.

How does my description of getting the same "No romantic connection" text for more than half a decade have anything to do with how I act on a date or how I view the women I went on a date with?

You're saying right after I got rejected I should describe all the things I liked about the woman who rejected me and and show humor and lightness the rejection after all the effort to get the date?

Can you expand on your impression? I don't know what "heavy and awkward, lukewarm, ..." means":

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

I hope you’re joking.

Doing anything at all for 2+ weeks is not “stringing along”. Stringing along would be staying with you for 5 years out of convenience, without having any feelings for you.

I really advise you to take a break from dating and try to understand what makes you blow things out of proportion in such grotesque ways.

You must understand that this kind of thing repels and scares away women.

 

Your unwarranted bitterness, emotional fragility, and manipulative tendencies (I never said you “deserved to be single and alone”) is another thing you should definitely get rid off (perhaps by way of therapy) before you’re ready to date.

You can take anything and say it's not as bad as other people have it. 

"If you’re so fragile that simple rejections from strangers hurt you a lot, you aren’t ready to date and have romantic relationship, just as a soldier who is afraid of mere scratches isn’t ready for battle."

To me that says I deserve to be single and alone because I'm so fragile that I don't enjoy getting dumped. 

 

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's become apparent that we are unable give OP the advice he is looking for