Would you....

[Anonymous]

Backstory....

Roughly 7-8 years ago, I went to a ladies luncheon to meet new people in our neighborhood.  I really hit it off with this one lady, and we became friends.  Even best friends.  Always hanging out almost every weekend, going to our children's birthday parties, etc.  Our husbands even became good friends.  Fast forward roughly 3 years now, this lady and I do not really speak to one another anymore. Things seemed to have change when we told them we were moving to another neighborhood, and that until our house was built, we would live on the other side of the city.  From then on, we hardly saw them, hung out, or visited us.  We did tell them how we felt, but they kept saying they were just busy, etc.  There was one time we all were hanging out, and she asked me, "Who do you trust with your husband?" My answer, "No one." When I said that, I think it hurt her feelings.  After that little by little, we drifted apart.  When we would visit them, and the vibes were different.  I thought it was me, but other people from my family seen it as well. 

After we moved to our new home, they wouldn't stop by like they did when we lived in the neighborhood (we moved less than 10 minutes away).  She would say that we were too far (possibly joking around), but it felt that way since they really didn't come around.  We tried to speak like adults about it, but I think it just made us more distant.  She didn't like that I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or I was worried about hurting people's feelings (like my best friend since middle school or hers since she was in middle school).  The day we spoke, she mentioned to me that she had lunch with one of her friends (who became an acquaintance on socials through her) and that she felt like I was trying to take her friend away from her. (She has several of my friends on her socials as well) She said as if it was "obnoxious" to take her friend, and her friend even deleted me.  I didn't care that her friend deleted me, but it made me think if they were talking about me, what else has she said about me.  I never spoke badly about her or even told anyone why we became distant. We invited one another to birthday parties for our kids and neither of us would go to each other's events so we slowly just stopped talking in general.  The husbands did keep in touch every now and then.

Currently, her husband has been inviting my husband over to their house for men's game night.  I don't feel comfortable with my husband going to their house knowing we don't really speak anymore.  Part of me feels bad about this, but part of me doesn't.  They do every now and then go out to lunch, but it's in a mutual area.  Am I wrong for telling my husband that I don't feel comfortable with him going over to their house (which he hasn't gone but has mentioned he's been asked several times)?

 

[stillafool]

Yes.  Your husband should be allowed to go over to his friends house to visit and invite his friend over to his house.  Do you have a problem with his friend coming over too?

[ShySoul]

You are not wrong for telling him you are uncomfortable. That's actually what a good couple does, communicate and talk about their feelings and concerns. And you are not wrong to feel concerned and uncomfortable. Your feelings are your own and you have every right to feel them. If things have come up and you are uncomfortable with these people, then there is a reason and you should be free to communicate that with your husband.

However, it's his choice on who he wants to be friends with. If he has managed to be friends with the other guy, then they should be able to spend time together wherever they choose. 

What exactly are you worried wil happen if he goes?

Speak to your husband. Most likely he will give you reassurance that everything is okay and you have nothing to worry about. He may even offer to not go or ask if he can help you feel better about things. But in general, trust him and talk with him.

[MsJayne]

You can’t expect your husband and her husband to cease their friendship just because you and she are no longer chummy. I’m unclear on why she had a problem with you making friends with someone you met through her,  that’s childish, and plain nasty if she badmouthed you so that the other woman deleted you. Be the bigger person and allow your husband to join in the men’s nights without any pettiness. 

[LadyAG]

@stillafool No, I do not have an issue if he was to come over, but I really don't believe he will come over.  They usually meet at a food place to have lunch.

@ShySoul I guess I worry that he won't tell me if they ask him questions or make it seem like I am the one with the issue.  When they did meet up, that's what her husband would ask my husband each time. The last invite we received, we were unable to go and I told her we couldn't since we already had plans, and that was the last time she spoke to me.  They stopped inviting us to everything else since then (bbqs, dinners, holidays, birthdays, etc).  I guess I just feel since we pretty much go everywhere together and are always with each other 90% of the time, and they know that, why ask him knowing we would always go together to their house.  My husband will not go over there because he knows I feel uncomfortable and is being respectful.  

@MsJayne I did not tell him they could not be friends, I just don't think he should go over to their house anymore.  My husband isn't the first friend that doesn't go around him anymore.  From what she told me a while back, there were several friends she didn't care for, and they wouldn't come around anymore either.  I'm not sure if she bad-mouthed me, but what other reason would there be for her friend to delete me on all socials.  

[basil67]

On 7/16/2025 at 1:01 AM, Anonymous said:

here was one time we all were hanging out, and she asked me, "Who do you trust with your husband?" My answer, "No one."

This was a very unusual question from her and I'm sure it wouldn't have come out of nowhere.  What prompted her to say this?   Were the two of them wanting to hang out 1:1 and you weren't OK with it?

Then your response of saying that you trust no-one with your husband, means you don't trust her.   So why would she be your friend if she knows you wouldn't trust her with your husband?   And if you don't trust her with your husband, why would you want her as a friend?

 

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, LadyAG said:

My husband isn't the first friend that doesn't go around him anymore.  From what she told me a while back, there were several friends she didn't care for, and they wouldn't come around anymore either.  I'm not sure if she bad-mouthed me, but what other reason would there be for her friend to delete me on all socials.  

Sounds very toxic, her husband probably needs the men's nights as an escape . I can't think of any other reason a mutual friend would suddenly stop speaking to you, no doubt they'll find out the hard way how two-faced she is. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

This was a very unusual question from her and I'm sure it wouldn't have come out of nowhere.  What prompted her to say this?   Were the two of them wanting to hang out 1:1 and you weren't OK with it?

Then your response of saying that you trust no-one with your husband, means you don't trust her.   So why would she be your friend if she knows you wouldn't trust her with your husband?   And if you don't trust her with your husband, why would you want her as a friend?

 

Honestly, if a friend asked me this strange question, I would wonder if she had a crush on my husband. But I can't speak for OP or anyone else.

--

OP, I don't know why the friendship between you ended. But I do know this: Friendships end all the time. It's a fact of life. And when that happens, even if it was a really good friendship and the way it ended doesn't make sense to you, don't try hard to make it work if it's clear the other person is not reciprocating. Just be philosophical about it and let it go. Stop trying to call and to set up times to meet. Stop inviting her to your place.

I don't think your husband has to end his friendship with her husband. They can continue hanging out once in a while and having lunch. As long as you are not being dragged along and pressured into socializing with the other guy's wife and as long as they don't discuss you or otherwise disrespect whatever reasonable boundaries you have set (e.g. by gossiping about you to your husband), I think it's fine for your husband to remain friends with hers.