Hopelessfox78 Posted July 15 Posted July 15 So my fiancé and I actually met about 9yrs ago. Our kids used to play together. We were in other relationships at the time. I have been in bad relationships in the past and have serious trust issues. He also claimed the same thing. My ex husband of 13 yrs spent all his time on dating/sex sites and watching porn. I let it ruin my self esteem. So about 4 yrs ago I got tired of the man I was with cheating on me and decided to end it and haven’t spoken to him since. That same night I left him I went to my now fiancés and within a month him and his kid had moved into my house with me and my son. Things were great. I loved him so much I can’t even explain it. I never got embarrassed with him, always felt so safe. 5 months after he moved in I found dating sites on his phone. Over the next couple of years I continued to find sex/dating sites numerous ones but nothing ever really done. Just simple profile no pic and no messages. I also found Google projects in his email, another phone with records on Facebook and Google takeouts. Admin info, sites off his phone that led me to doxebin. Lots of strange stuff. He claims he has never talked to anyone on a dating site, and always says he’s horrible with computers and phones. He says someone hacked his phone and is doing it. Now he got rid of his phone after a year of us being together and shared one with me ever since. Now he says that it’s on my phone cause I added his email to it and that’s why it’s still happening. Things like on Facebook girls profiles that are looked at or shortcuts that are girls. Sites with half naked girls on them and suggesting groups about online dating or sex. He says he also didn’t do any of that. He gets angry when I bring it up but I feel like the exact same thing as before is happening to me. I know I am over assuming and over thinking a lot because of my past but I also know not to be stupid. He made me believe he loved me more than anything and I am having the hardest time accepting he has been doing this. It just doesn’t seem like something he would do. I want love so bad that I don’t know if I’m just letting him get away with stuff. Also we have had a lot of things happen while we have been together. Like he got sepsis and almost died, both our dads died within months of each other, our house was infested with black mold, we became homeless after hurricane Helene for a few months just a ton of stress. Now he acts unhappy all the time except when he’s around other people. He’s lost control twice and broke our TVs and dishes etc. when usually he’s laid back. I have told him lots of times that I know something is wrong and that I am not happy. He has never tried to figure out anything about his so called hacked accounts, he’s never done anything when I said I was unhappy or thought he was except saying that’s not true. I don’t know what to do anymore .
Gebidozo Posted July 15 Posted July 15 You either trust your fiancé or you don’t. If you don’t, break up with him. If you do, why do you keep accusing him and making him feel bad? Personally, if I said one time “I didn’t cheat on you” and my partner didn’t believe that, I’d have considered it the beginning of the end of our relationship. Shared phone would be an immediate dealbreaker as well. He is your partner, not your little kid. I’m surprised he agreed to that in the first place.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) So you traded your ex-husband for someone just like your ex-husband. It seems you dive-bomed far too quickly into this relationship and did not really use your better judgment and pace yourself beforre committing to another relatiosnhip. Moving him and his child into your house after a month of dating was a big mistake. Moot now, I realize, but hopefully you see your own unhealthy choices here and don't repeat them in the future. 3 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said: That same night I left him I went to my now fiancés I have to ask, did you two start as an affair? Even an emotional one? It seems a bit off that the night you left your husband you went straight to this man. 3 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said: Now he acts unhappy all the time except when he’s around other people. He’s lost control twice and broke our TVs and dishes etc. Get this man ou t of your house. You're right, he is not happy and neither are you. You can tell him that until you are blue in the face but he clearly isn't going to change. I would urge you to end this and stay single for a while. Learn to stand on your own two feet and work on rebuilding your self-worth. That is what will help you make better choices moving forward. Edited July 15 by ExpatInItaly
Carlston Posted July 15 Posted July 15 You know what you need to do. Getting him to leave may be an issue. He'll beg, plead, deny, make you think you're crazy. If you stay the course, he probably will refuse.
flitzanu Posted July 15 Posted July 15 you didn't really say anything positive or nice about this relationship with this man you were so in love with, the whole story is about all the time you've spent playing investigator and snooping through every private item he owns as if to catch some lie that didn't exist. you clearly aren't happy, so leave. 1
stillafool Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Unfortunately this is what happens when you move a man you hardly know into your home around your child. You never vetted this man. It sounds like he's ready for someone new. It sounds like you were cheating with this guy before you left your husband. When this guy leaves it might help you to stay single for a while.
ShySoul Posted July 16 Posted July 16 23 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said: hat same night I left him I went to my now fiancés and within a month him and his kid had moved into my house with me and my son. Things were great. I loved him so much I can’t even explain it. I never got embarrassed with him, always felt so safe. 5 months after he moved in I found dating sites on his phone. This is why it's not good to jump immediately into another relationship. You were still dealing with issues from the other relationship, so went to someone who reminded you of the good parts of it. But you also got the bad parts, just in a different person. You traded one problematic guy for another one. Perhaps you would be best to take time away from relationships, period? Give yourself some time to be on your own and happy in your own life first? On 7/14/2025 at 5:09 PM, Hopelessfox78 said: I have told him lots of times that I know something is wrong and that I am not happy. He has never tried to figure out anything about his so called hacked accounts, he’s never done anything when I said I was unhappy or thought he was except saying that’s not true I am probably more forgiving then most. I can take people making mistakes. I can even accept that there may have been some weird thing going on like a hacked account. I try not to hold onto the past. But the other person needs to demonstrate they understand and care about my feelings, that they want to work to make things right and better. The measure of a person isn't that they don't make a mistake or do everything perfectly. The real show of character is how you respond when you do mess up. The good ones own up to it, show compassion, and work to change. The bad ones do nothing. If he was the right one for you and truly cared, he would be trying to make things right and connect with you. He would reach out to you and alleviate your fears on this. He would demonstrate his love and commitment. He isn't. He isn't taking this seriously. You deserve better then that. 1
swirlingcloud Posted July 16 Posted July 16 Hey There, you poor thing! Weird with the phone and him stating it has been hacked, how he knows this? I don't know if there is a place you could ask? I once had some trouble with my computer and took it to a store where fortunately there were experts in figuring and fixing what ever problem there was. You clearly have not been satisfied with his answer. You two could have gone somewhere with that phone to see what's up with it. Now you have it too? Just weird. I would get someone on it. Of course you are triggered by everything that's been going on that remind you of your past with your ex, who wouldn't be? I used to be in a relationship with my ex who got very jealous for no reason that I could figure out (so much I would adapt myself to try to prevent this). What happened when he was in those spells and everything else made me develop anxiety for the first time in my life. The break up bad too because of well, lots of things. Moving on. Got myself free from the anxiety. Thinking I would not feel like that again. Years later finding myself in a situation with my husband who would go into these loops of jealousy when he was not doing too well mentally and what was going on, he thought, with us, and that too triggered me, reminded me of the past, the brain warning me - this is bad. You know this. You've been here before. I have this tendency to withdraw myself when something's up with my relationship or marriage or how I should put it. I do it to try to work myself out. To try to figure things out. Only when I do I act fine but of course I am thinking today my ex could have figured this out as what he was after was control (and controlling someone who is "hiding", who withdraws is more difficult than how I used to be before. It was me trying to defend my space too. Pretending everything was OK. I have had a pattern of periods in my life developing anxiety and depression, then I am free from it, and then it returns if things get to be too much over time (I'm sensitive, born like it). What this jealousy does is that it is horrible for the one who is jealous, been there, it's horrible, first I did not think I was jealous but I was sort of jealous in a different way than what I thought was jealousy, if that makes sense. Anxiety. It is horrible for the one who is exposed to the jealousy. For what it is worth you could if it is now worth saving, if he is now innocent and have not cheated like that, go and seek counseling and work through the jealousy issue and the rest. Could be that because of what symptoms he shows as he has been violent at times with the tele etc that he needs therapy on his own. My husband has gone on his own (as his jealousy was OCD, expressed in ways that were not identical with how the ex's was. His too was mixed with other things that made him worried about me, things that had happened in the past that made him worry, and so this was his need to control his own worry, anxiety despite that "threat" now having been removed, he still had not worked through it. From your description you have been hooked on checking and rechecking everything and I know from my experience that is anxiety, if you could look through OCD + Jealousy you will get a better picture of what I am talking about. It is not a permanent right solution for the two of you to have a shared phone. In time you need to give that up, that is only for your own way of trying to find control in something you feel you can't control (OCD, jealousy). My phone has too been more my husbands than mine because of his OCD jealousy. It is not a long term solution, not at all. It should not be a short term solution either but it can be when your anxiety is that much trouble before you could move on to the next step. You guys need help, and I say this with good intention, with a good heart, trust me I know, and I am the last to judge, so please contact a professional to get the help you need. My husband is doing great so I have not noticed a new loop of any kind and it does not feel as if it is going to return ever. (He never thought I had cheated on him, but he was always about preventing something or someone taking me away, combination of knowing we had problems, or him thinking I was troubled when I was not doing well with my depression, but again he was still like that when I was way better with the depression or when I was healed from it, he hadn't let go, never really, that type of control, but the real bad loops they came when he himself was not doing well in life, bad things happening that would effect anyone, human, his self esteem not doing well, not feeling as if he was enough for me ( he had autism, been masking, long story, had high demands on himself, others too). The thing is you will figure it all out with the help of therapy and it can very well be you both need something to calm yourself down (medication) at this stage (I think so) or just to know it is handy if you do need it (then in time). To me it sounds like your anxiety is "up there", if you are right or wrong about the things you are describing with the phone I could not say but no matter what your anxiety is doing it's thing with your brain and it's damaging. You two have been through hell as of lately and it is all getting caught up with you both, who wouldn't be effected? We are all humans. Our human brains are not functioned to deal with this kind of stress 24/7 for so long as you have so you having anxiety (and jealousy) is normal considering everything. You can be cured from it, I am sure, but you need to get some professional help. I wish you the best with everything 1
Author Hopelessfox78 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 On 7/14/2025 at 9:26 PM, Gebidozo said: You either trust your fiancé or you don’t. If you don’t, break up with him. If you do, why do you keep accusing him and making him feel bad? Personally, if I said one time “I didn’t cheat on you” and my partner didn’t believe that, I’d have considered it the beginning of the end of our relationship. Shared phone would be an immediate dealbreaker as well. He is your partner, not your little kid. I’m surprised he agreed to that in the first place.
Author Hopelessfox78 Posted July 20 Author Posted July 20 On 7/16/2025 at 12:45 PM, swirlingcloud said: Hey There, you poor thing! Weird with the phone and him stating it has been hacked, how he knows this? I don't know if there is a place you could ask? I once had some trouble with my computer and took it to a store where fortunately there were experts in figuring and fixing what ever problem there was. You clearly have not been satisfied with his answer. You two could have gone somewhere with that phone to see what's up with it. Now you have it too? Just weird. I would get someone on it. Of course you are triggered by everything that's been going on that remind you of your past with your ex, who wouldn't be? I used to be in a relationship with my ex who got very jealous for no reason that I could figure out (so much I would adapt myself to try to prevent this). What happened when he was in those spells and everything else made me develop anxiety for the first time in my life. The break up bad too because of well, lots of things. Moving on. Got myself free from the anxiety. Thinking I would not feel like that again. Years later finding myself in a situation with my husband who would go into these loops of jealousy when he was not doing too well mentally and what was going on, he thought, with us, and that too triggered me, reminded me of the past, the brain warning me - this is bad. You know this. You've been here before. I have this tendency to withdraw myself when something's up with my relationship or marriage or how I should put it. I do it to try to work myself out. To try to figure things out. Only when I do I act fine but of course I am thinking today my ex could have figured this out as what he was after was control (and controlling someone who is "hiding", who withdraws is more difficult than how I used to be before. It was me trying to defend my space too. Pretending everything was OK. I have had a pattern of periods in my life developing anxiety and depression, then I am free from it, and then it returns if things get to be too much over time (I'm sensitive, born like it). What this jealousy does is that it is horrible for the one who is jealous, been there, it's horrible, first I did not think I was jealous but I was sort of jealous in a different way than what I thought was jealousy, if that makes sense. Anxiety. It is horrible for the one who is exposed to the jealousy. For what it is worth you could if it is now worth saving, if he is now innocent and have not cheated like that, go and seek counseling and work through the jealousy issue and the rest. Could be that because of what symptoms he shows as he has been violent at times with the tele etc that he needs therapy on his own. My husband has gone on his own (as his jealousy was OCD, expressed in ways that were not identical with how the ex's was. His too was mixed with other things that made him worried about me, things that had happened in the past that made him worry, and so this was his need to control his own worry, anxiety despite that "threat" now having been removed, he still had not worked through it. From your description you have been hooked on checking and rechecking everything and I know from my experience that is anxiety, if you could look through OCD + Jealousy you will get a better picture of what I am talking about. It is not a permanent right solution for the two of you to have a shared phone. In time you need to give that up, that is only for your own way of trying to find control in something you feel you can't control (OCD, jealousy). My phone has too been more my husbands than mine because of his OCD jealousy. It is not a long term solution, not at all. It should not be a short term solution either but it can be when your anxiety is that much trouble before you could move on to the next step. You guys need help, and I say this with good intention, with a good heart, trust me I know, and I am the last to judge, so please contact a professional to get the help you need. My husband is doing great so I have not noticed a new loop of any kind and it does not feel as if it is going to return ever. (He never thought I had cheated on him, but he was always about preventing something or someone taking me away, combination of knowing we had problems, or him thinking I was troubled when I was not doing well with my depression, but again he was still like that when I was way better with the depression or when I was healed from it, he hadn't let go, never really, that type of control, but the real bad loops they came when he himself was not doing well in life, bad things happening that would effect anyone, human, his self esteem not doing well, not feeling as if he was enough for me ( he had autism, been masking, long story, had high demands on himself, others too). The thing is you will figure it all out with the help of therapy and it can very well be you both need something to calm yourself down (medication) at this stage (I think so) or just to know it is handy if you do need it (then in time). To me it sounds like your anxiety is "up there", if you are right or wrong about the things you are describing with the phone I could not say but no matter what your anxiety is doing it's thing with your brain and it's damaging. You two have been through hell as of lately and it is all getting caught up with you both, who wouldn't be effected? We are all humans. Our human brains are not functioned to deal with this kind of stress 24/7 for so long as you have so you having anxiety (and jealousy) is normal considering everything. You can be cured from it, I am sure, but you need to get some professional help. I wish you the best with everything Thanks. My anxiety is definitely crazy. And I didn’t make him or even ask him to share a phone. It sold his and said he wasn’t getting another one cause they just made us argue. So he went about six months not even really using one and then starting sharing with me. But Google/samsung records say there is another device hooked with his old one. And I wasn’t cheating. Me and him worked together at this store and our kids still went to school together. We have had some really wonderful times. My kid used to to tell us to stop laughing cause that was all we did. Then the more I over thought the more I withdrew. I think all I really wanted was just for him to see I needed him to at least try, try and make it better, try to prove he was innocent but instead he did nothing. Just said he didn’t do any of it and then acted like nothing had happened. So of course I kept bringing it up I needed and need answers. Last night our cars ball joint broke and we had it towed to his friends house. He has been there since 1am last night working on the car. Said they gave him the wrong part and that was at 7pm tonight. He said he had to try and find a way home but we know people who drive. I feel so over whelmed and so alone and lost. 1
swirlingcloud Posted July 20 Posted July 20 4 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said: Thanks. My anxiety is definitely crazy. And I didn’t make him or even ask him to share a phone. It sold his and said he wasn’t getting another one cause they just made us argue. So he went about six months not even really using one and then starting sharing with me. But Google/samsung records say there is another device hooked with his old one. And I wasn’t cheating. Me and him worked together at this store and our kids still went to school together. We have had some really wonderful times. My kid used to to tell us to stop laughing cause that was all we did. Then the more I over thought the more I withdrew. I think all I really wanted was just for him to see I needed him to at least try, try and make it better, try to prove he was innocent but instead he did nothing. Just said he didn’t do any of it and then acted like nothing had happened. So of course I kept bringing it up I needed and need answers. Last night our cars ball joint broke and we had it towed to his friends house. He has been there since 1am last night working on the car. Said they gave him the wrong part and that was at 7pm tonight. He said he had to try and find a way home but we know people who drive. I feel so over whelmed and so alone and lost. You're welcome. Ok. I understand you better now (with the phone). I did not think you were cheating, did not get a feeling you did. The way I am thinking is only that, like others point out on here, that you went from one relationship that was unhealthy for you, mentally, in a big way, without having the time, tools, to fully process that relationship, the damage it did, to get to know yourself fully and respect your own boundaries. If one don't it is likely one will continue choosing the same type of personality -guy and the same thing will happen to you over and over til you understand what is wrong. Til you change your pattern. Til you are not attracted to that type. Or if that type is still attracted to you that you are simply not so nothing will come of it. But I too know one can process everything whilst still being in the relationship (has happened to me), but it is then everyone else who assume you should be heartbroken when it's over, you should be this, you should be that, your ex think or hope so too, LOL, but you're honest to God fine, and if it so will ready to find a new love in time. So it is not always a black and white type of situation. It is difficult too, especially on a forum, where you do not get all the details to get the full picture (and when the one creating the thread certainly can't provide the readers with all the information as it can be a give away to the true identities) to know how to help you out the best of ways, but we're all trying our best with what we got. But like me, sometimes I do wrong, I'm sorry, as I assumed it was you who demanded the shared phone, but it was him. But could be he did this because he was sick of being accused and so he did this too so that he would not have anxiety about it? You do not want to know how close I have been to caving in to get rid of my own anxiety of what he (the ex or the husband) wants or think he wants or I think he wants to get some piece around here, like not finishing my education, not quitting my job, only having babies and staying isolated at home. But these are traps, these are way to try to avoid - but you think the solution - the problem. I had to be strong to fight, push this back - to the ex, to the husband but at the same time to myself as well. So you're fighting him, you're fighting you, at the same time. The problem in itself is not solved, it is only a temporarily fix. The problem is the jealousy, the control that comes with it, the OCD (anxiety, how to "fix" it, again, you don't). He is going in the wrong direction. You are going in the wrong direction. It gets to be about control and ways to feel you are in control. A healthy relationship do not have that. Two people in a balanced relationship do not have that. You are first of all a mom. You need to look out for yourself. I know it is natural that us humans we see a problem in a relationship and then our brain focus on that. But it takes two to solve the problem. And you can do more than your bit. But he ain't doing his. You keep on loosing more and more energy, it goes into this void, and you focus more and more on the problem/him, and the other ones who don't give you no problem, like your kids, like all the other relationship you have in your life that is working - all of them - they are not getting what they deserve from you, and you don't give yourself what you deserve with them, and within yourself. If he is not on the same page as you to get help then you, as a mom, need to get to shore yourself, need to get to that island where help is, and in the meanwhile he can chose to stay in the stormy sea or he can chose to swim after you so that he too can get to shore. if he says no to therapy, no to pills to help get rid of the anxiety - that is his choice. Believe me when I say I waited for the guy to get on the same page, IF to get on the same page, before I would get help. I wished I had not done that. That was waste of time. That only made it worse. I wished I had gone sooner. Him staying away like this is I guess about him not doing well too, mentally, in all this. Maybe he too is dog tired. Maybe his brain ain't working the way it should. Maybe he is the type of guy who simply do not want to ask nobody for help about anything, not on the why his phone been hacked, or maybe he is hiding that he has done something online that you or him too consider cheating. Maybe the two of you have different ideas about what is the boundaries for flirting, for cheating. Maybe you have different rules. It can be everything. And of course all of it is exhausting to deal with. My advice is that what ever it is, look out for yourself, get help yourself to deal with the anxiety. Take one step at a time. Discipline yourself.You are a mom. That is your first priority of what ever relationship there is. If you do not think you deserve more is why I keep on pointing out that you do know you are needed as a mom, right? They only got one mom. I say this because I see at times that women, could be men too of course, they keep on having damage done to them, staying in it, thinking they are only the one taking the punches, they get a bad self esteem or they endure too much. If you look at yourself from a third perspective, your situation, what would be the best interest of your children? Would that not be that you get help with the anxiety? Please do. Your first priority has to be that now. You can not save yourself and try to save or get rid of him, what ever it is, at the same time. Get help. I am truly cheering for you, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can do it 1
Sony12 Posted July 20 Posted July 20 Maybe the OP just isn't explaining the situation very well but the way they wrote their opening message it does kind of sound like they may have at the very least been having an emotional affair while they were still in their marriage. Opposite sex coworkers being friendly enough with each other to where they run over to each others houses is always a red flag when either one or both of them is already in a relationship. In anycase it sounds like you are attracted to a specific type of individual and so you end up getting involved with people who have pretty similar personalities to each other. That is a problem a lot of people have and it can only be solved if they decide to change the types of individuals they get involved with. Which can be difficult because those are the kinds of individuals they are drawn to. In anycase in this situation you got serious with someone new far too quickly. Never wise to get engaged again ju
LAspen Posted July 23 Posted July 23 Yes, I agree with Sony12 that apparently you and your fiance already had some romantic relationship (an emotional affair of varying degrees of intensity, although you won't admit it to yourself) before the breakup of your marriages, and perhaps these relationship pushed you both to divorce/break up your relationships. And again, coworkers, coworkers, as in many similar stories... At the same time, I believe you that your marriage with your ex-husband was very bad and he cheated on you constantly. I know that all our problems have roots in the past, especially problems in relationships, especially in second, third, etc. relationships/marriages. You only talked about yourself, but not about your fiance. How did he break up with his previous partner/wife? Who was to blame for the fact that he and the mother of his child were not together? It seems to me that the fact that he lives in your house plays a significant role in his intentions and behavior, and if you break up, he will find himself in a very difficult position. It is quite obvious that he is far from ideal, even in your eyes, although you describe him at the beginning of your post as a most wonderful partner and the love of your life. I have already expressed my doubts about his human qualities. And I doubt that there is "true love" between the two of you, as it is described in women's novels and in Hallmark films. Most likely, it's just affection, attachment, a desire for trust and the crave for ability to rely on a partner. You have been wishful thinking, perhaps compared to the bad previous experiences. And I don't blame you for that, because it's inherent in all of us. But here's what's obvious to an unbiased stranger. You are unhappy and your partner is unhappy too. Your relationship is very far from what you would like and expect from it. Your future together is uncertain and vaguely. All these strange issues with various dating apps and other specific resources are very suspicious. In fact, the most important thing is not whether he is cheating on you in any form, but that your relationship is becoming more and more toxic and I don't think it can be fixed the way you want it. So far, I can only give such advice: 1) Don't marry him under any circumstances.; 2) Never have a child with him.; 3) Continue to observe the dynamics of his behavior and where and how he spends time outside the house. If I were you, I would hire a PI to track him outside the house, and at home I would put hidden webcams and microphones (microphones are needed to listen to his voice contacts). It can be very useful to install a GPS tracker and VAR in his car. All devices are cheap and can be ordered online. Good luck! I know you'll need it...
LAspen Posted July 24 Posted July 24 Today I read a comment from one redditor, who cited a philosopher's statement, which explains one of the most common reasons why people do not leave their partner after being cheated on. ....................................................... "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone" -- Blaise Pascal ...................................................... So, some people are willing to put up with a cheater's company, if it means they don't have to endure company only with themselves, that is, loneliness.
Recommended Posts