Help

[Hopelessfox78]

So my fiancé and I actually met about 9yrs ago. Our kids used to play together. We were in other relationships at the time. I have been in bad relationships in the past and have serious trust issues. He also claimed the same thing. My ex husband of 13 yrs spent all his time on dating/sex sites and watching porn. I let it ruin my self esteem. So about 4 yrs ago I got tired of the man I was with cheating on me and decided to end it and haven’t spoken to him since. That same night I left him I went to my now fiancés and within a month him and his kid had moved into my house with me and my son. Things were great. I loved him so much I can’t even explain it. I never got embarrassed with him, always felt so safe. 5 months after he moved in I found dating sites on his phone. Over the next couple of years I continued to find sex/dating sites numerous ones but nothing ever really done. Just simple profile no pic and no messages. I also found Google projects in his email, another phone with records on Facebook and Google takeouts. Admin info, sites off his phone that led me to doxebin. Lots of strange stuff. He claims he has never talked to anyone on a dating site, and always says he’s horrible with computers and phones. He says someone hacked his phone and is doing it. Now he got rid of his phone after a year of us being together and shared one with me ever since. Now he says that it’s on my phone cause I added his email to it and that’s why it’s still happening. Things like on Facebook girls profiles that are looked at or shortcuts that are girls. Sites with half naked girls on them and suggesting groups about online dating or sex. He says he also didn’t do any of that. He gets angry when I bring it up but I feel like the exact same thing as before is happening to me. I know I am over assuming and over thinking a lot because of my past but I also know not to be stupid. He made me believe he loved me more than anything and I am having the hardest time accepting he has been doing this. It just doesn’t seem like something he would do. I want love so bad that I don’t know if I’m just letting him get away with stuff. Also we have had a lot of things happen while we have been together. Like he got sepsis and almost died, both our dads died within months of each other, our house was infested with black mold, we became homeless after hurricane Helene for a few months just a ton of stress. Now he acts unhappy all the time except when he’s around other people. He’s lost control twice and broke our TVs and dishes etc. when usually he’s laid back. I have told him lots of times that I know something is wrong and that I am not happy. He has never tried to figure out anything about his so called hacked accounts, he’s never done anything when I said I was unhappy or thought he was except saying that’s not true. I don’t know what to do anymore . 

[Gebidozo]

You either trust your fiancé or you don’t.

If you don’t, break up with him.

If you do, why do you keep accusing him and making him feel bad?

Personally, if I said one time “I didn’t cheat on you” and my partner didn’t believe that, I’d have considered it the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Shared phone would be an immediate dealbreaker as well. He is your partner, not your little kid. I’m surprised he agreed to that in the first place.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you traded your ex-husband for someone just like your ex-husband.

It seems you dive-bomed far too quickly into this relationship and did not really use your better judgment and pace yourself beforre committing to another relatiosnhip. Moving him and his child into your house after a month of dating was a big mistake. Moot now, I realize, but hopefully you see your own unhealthy choices here and don't repeat them in the future. 

3 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said:

That same night I left him I went to my now fiancés

I have to ask, did you two start as an affair? Even an emotional one? It seems a bit off that the night you left your husband you went straight to this man.

3 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said:

Now he acts unhappy all the time except when he’s around other people. He’s lost control twice and broke our TVs and dishes etc.

Get this man ou t of your house. You're right, he is not happy and neither are you. You can tell him that until you are blue in the face but he clearly isn't going to change. I would urge you to end this and stay single for a while. Learn to stand on your own two feet and work on rebuilding your self-worth. That is what will help you make better choices moving forward. 

 

Edited Tuesday at 03:58 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Carlston]

You know what you need to do.

Getting him to leave may be an issue.

He'll beg, plead, deny, make you think you're crazy. If you stay the course, he probably will refuse. 

 

[flitzanu]

you didn't really say anything positive or nice about this relationship with this man you were so in love with, the whole story is about all the time you've spent playing investigator and snooping through every private item he owns as if to catch some lie that didn't exist.

you clearly aren't happy, so leave.

[stillafool]

Unfortunately this is what happens when you move a man you hardly know into your home around your child.  You never vetted this man.  It sounds like he's ready for someone new.  It sounds like you were cheating with this guy before you left your husband.   When this guy leaves it might help you to stay single for a while.

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, Hopelessfox78 said:

hat same night I left him I went to my now fiancés and within a month him and his kid had moved into my house with me and my son. Things were great. I loved him so much I can’t even explain it. I never got embarrassed with him, always felt so safe. 5 months after he moved in I found dating sites on his phone.

This is why it's not good to jump immediately into another relationship. You were still dealing with issues from the other relationship, so went to someone who reminded you of the good parts of it. But you also got the bad parts, just in a different person. You traded one problematic guy for another one.

Perhaps you would be best to take time away from relationships, period? Give yourself some time to be on your own and happy in your own life first?

On 7/14/2025 at 5:09 PM, Hopelessfox78 said:

I have told him lots of times that I know something is wrong and that I am not happy. He has never tried to figure out anything about his so called hacked accounts, he’s never done anything when I said I was unhappy or thought he was except saying that’s not true

I am probably more forgiving then most. I can take people making mistakes. I can even accept that there may have been some weird thing going on like a hacked account. I try not to hold onto the past. But the other person needs to demonstrate they understand and care about my feelings, that they want to work to make things right and better. The measure of a person isn't that they don't make a mistake or do everything perfectly. The real show of character is how you respond when you do mess up. The good ones own up to it, show compassion, and work to change. The bad ones do nothing.

If he was the right one for you and truly cared, he would be trying to make things right and connect with you. He would reach out to you and alleviate your fears on this. He would demonstrate his love and commitment. He isn't. He isn't taking this seriously. You deserve better then that.

[swirlingcloud]

Hey There, you poor thing!
Weird with the phone and him stating it has been hacked, how he knows this? I don't know if there is a place you could ask? I once had some trouble with my computer and took it to a store where fortunately there were experts in figuring and fixing what ever problem there was. You clearly have not been satisfied with his answer. You two could have gone somewhere with that phone to see what's up with it. Now you have it too? Just weird. I would get someone on it. 

Of course you are triggered by everything that's been going on that remind you of your past with your ex, who wouldn't be? 

I used to be in a relationship with my ex who got very jealous for no reason that I could figure out (so much I would adapt myself to try to prevent this). What happened when he was in those spells and everything else made me develop anxiety for the first time in my life. The break up bad too because of well, lots of things. Moving on. Got myself free from the anxiety. Thinking  I would not feel like that again. 

Years later finding myself in a situation with my husband who would go into these loops of jealousy when he was not doing too well mentally and what was going on, he thought, with us, and that too triggered me, reminded me of the past, the brain warning me - this is bad. You know this. You've been here before. 

I have this tendency to withdraw myself when something's up with my relationship or marriage or how I should put it. I do it to try to work myself out. To try to figure things out. Only when I do I act fine but of course I am thinking today my ex could have figured this out as what he was after was control (and controlling someone who is "hiding", who withdraws is more difficult than how I used to be before. It was me trying to defend my space too. Pretending everything was OK. I have had a pattern of periods in my life developing anxiety and depression, then I am free from it, and then it returns if things get to be too much over time (I'm sensitive, born like it). 

What this jealousy does is that it is horrible for the one who is jealous, been there, it's horrible, first I did not think I was jealous but I was sort of jealous in a different way than what I thought was jealousy, if that makes sense. Anxiety. It is horrible for the one who is exposed to the jealousy. 

For what it is worth you could if it is now worth saving, if he is now innocent and have not cheated like that, go and seek counseling and work through the jealousy issue and the rest. Could be that because of what symptoms he shows as he has been violent at times with the tele etc that he needs therapy on his own. My husband has gone on his own (as his jealousy was OCD, expressed in ways that were not identical with how the ex's was. His too was mixed with other things that made him worried about me, things that had happened in the past that made him worry, and so this was his need to control his own worry, anxiety despite that "threat" now having been removed, he still had not worked through it. 

From your description you have been hooked on checking and rechecking everything and I know from my experience that is anxiety, if you could look through OCD + Jealousy you will get a better picture of what I am talking about. 

It is not a permanent right solution for the two of you to have a shared phone. In time you need to give that up, that is only for your own way of trying to find control in something you feel you can't control (OCD, jealousy). My phone has too been more my husbands than mine because of his OCD jealousy. It is not a long term solution, not at all. It should not be a short term solution either but it can be when your anxiety is that much trouble before you could move on to the next step. 

You guys need help, and I say this with good intention, with a good heart, trust me I know, and I am the last to judge, so please contact a professional to get the help you need. 

My husband is doing great so I have not noticed a new loop of any kind and it does not feel as if it is going to return ever. (He never thought I had cheated on him, but he was always about preventing something or someone taking me away, combination of knowing we had problems, or him thinking I was troubled when I was not doing well with my depression, but again he was still like that when I was way better with the depression or when I was healed from it, he hadn't let go, never really, that type of control, but the real bad loops they came when he himself was not doing well in life, bad things happening that would effect anyone, human, his self esteem not doing well, not feeling as if he was enough for me ( he had autism, been masking, long story, had high demands on himself, others too). The thing is you will figure it all out with the help of therapy and it can very well be you both need something to calm  yourself down (medication) at this stage (I think so) or just to know it is handy if you do need it (then in time). To me it sounds like your anxiety is "up there", if you are right or wrong about the things you are describing with the phone I could not say but no matter what your anxiety is doing it's thing with your brain and it's damaging. You two have been through hell as of lately and it is all getting caught up with you both, who wouldn't be effected? We are all humans. Our human brains are not functioned to deal with this kind of stress 24/7 for so long as you have so you having anxiety (and jealousy) is normal considering everything. You can be cured from it, I am sure, but you need to get some professional help.

I wish  you the best with everything