Reconnected with an ex after 13 years… now I’m questioning everything

[Sunrise1234]

I’m just here to vent and maybe see if anyone can relate. Life feels heavy right now, and I’m struggling to make sense of everything.

About 13 years ago, I dated someone who, to this day, felt like the most natural and meaningful connection I’ve ever had. We were only together for six months, but the chemistry was real. Spontaneous road trips, weekends away, deep conversations, laughter, and a strong physical connection. It just felt effortless.

At the time, I was still reeling from a tough breakup with a long-term ex. And just when something genuine started to build with this new person, my ex reappeared. I was confused, emotionally torn, and ended up going back to the past. I moved in with my ex, and it quickly turned out to be a huge mistake. Meanwhile, I lost someone who might’ve been the right person for me all along.

She moved on, met someone else, got married, and had kids. I never really did. I’ve dated a few people since, but nothing has come close to what I felt with her.

 

Then, two years ago, completely out of the blue, she messaged me on social media. We started chatting occasionally, and more recently, we’ve met up a few times. Just the two of us, and without her husband knowing. Nothing physical has happened, but emotionally, it’s stirred up a lot.

She’s told me she still thinks about me. That I’m always on her mind. She even said that back then, I felt like a soulmate to her. From what she’s shared, things at home aren’t great. Her relationship seems to be hanging on for the sake of the kids. She’s mentioned that her husband can be quite confrontational and direct with her. I don’t know the full picture, but I’ve noticed she seems to escape home life whenever she can. She goes to the gym or meets up with friends, possibly just to get some breathing space.

 

Lately though, I’ve noticed a shift. Her responses and texts don’t feel as intense or frequent as they once were. Yes, she still says she misses me and that I’m on her mind a lot, but it doesn’t always come through in how she texts. I don’t hear from her as much throughout the day like I used to—months ago, we’d message constantly. Maybe I’m overthinking, but a part of me wonders if there’s someone else she might be talking to. She did mention she’s been spending more time with friends lately. That said, I also know she’s been struggling with depression recently and is now on medication, so maybe that’s affecting her mood and communication. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but it’s been playing on my mind.

 

I’m still single at 45. I’ve never married or had children, not by choice, just the way things unfolded. I’ve tried dating apps, but they’ve only chipped away at my confidence. I’ve been off them for a while now. Most of my friends have families, while I feel stuck, invisible, and wondering what I missed.

I’m not looking to break up anyone’s family. That’s not who I am. But I also can’t ignore these unresolved feelings, or the fact that she still feels like the one that got away. I don’t know if I’m holding onto a fantasy or if there’s really something still there.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Reconnecting with someone from your past and feeling emotionally overwhelmed? Does it ever get better when you’re caught between what could’ve been and where you are now?

[ShySoul]

I didn't reconnect with someone from my past, more like she has never left my life. As much as I would never want to interfere in the life she has and value our friendship now, there are always thoughts of what if. I still love her and would, if I ever truly had the chance, rekindle things in a heartbeat. I'm also 42 and single, wondering if I will ever have that chance to have something that lasts forever. 

Your feelings are your feelings. You aren't wrong to have them. I think most of us do have that someone that still takes our breath away years later, that person who we wish things had turned out differently. And that's fine. The important thing is to not let that stifle us from finding happiness in our own life. This happiness doesn't have to be a relationship. The desire to have romantic love is strong and it can feel like we are missing out, that everyone but us has it. But there is more to life. Find something that makes you happy, something that really gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning. It can be anything, as long as it matters to you.

With this woman, I think she probably feels the same as you. There is regret and feelings of what if. And she wants you in her life. But she has other factors to consider. Children, husband, depression... all of it must mean mixed feelings that she has to balance. Talking to you helped her get through a rough spot. But it might have awakened other feelings inside her. Perhaps she is being cautious and not wanting to get too close. Or maybe she doesn't want to send the wrong message to you and get your hopes up. Or maybe she just needs time for herself.

All you can do is be there for her if she needs you. Be a friend. Be supportive. Be there to listen and help. She needs to take care of herself and figure out what she wants in life. She needs to see if her relationship will work or not. And you need to focus on you and being happy in your own life.

The future will attend to itself. If you are supposed to be, it will work out in the end. It could be you are soulmates, but in the sense of being there for one another in times of need, not necessarily the romantic kind of soulmates. The future is never set in stone. So focus on creating the kind of present you want for yourself, on building your own life. Don't drive yourself mad with thoughts of the past or what could be with her.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, Sunrise1234 said:

Has anyone else been through something like this? Reconnecting with someone from your past and feeling emotionally overwhelmed?

Yes.

Although in my case the time apart was only 2 years rather than 13, I did reconnect with someone whom I’d been with for a short time and whom I thought I’d lost. As in your case, she was with someone else just as we reconnected. She is still my partner now.

I think the very first thing you need to do is get rid of the ambiguity of your situation. There are only two possible outcomes for what’s been happening:

1) It turns out that she has feelings for you rather than for her husband. She expresses that clearly. She divorces her husband, so that the two of you may attempt to have a romantic relationship.

2) It turns out that she is having trouble in her marriage and is trying to get validation and make herself feel better by reconnecting with people who she knows might still have romantic feelings for her. She has no intention to leave her husband. Once that becomes clear, you break off all contact with her and try to get over her.

The worst possible decision in that second scenario would be to become her “friend”, continuing to emotionally deceive her husband and to perpetuate an unhealthy, harmful connection till it inevitably blows up painfully, all the while preventing you from pursuing a normal, healthy romantic relationship with someone who reciprocates your feelings.

Therefore, it is imperative that you learn as soon as you can which of the scenarios is taking place here. In other words, you need to ask her clearly what exactly is it that she wants from you.

Sincere, direct communication and complete transparency are key here. When I reconnected with my partner, I told her within a few days that the ambiguity cannot persist and that she either breaks it off with her then-partner or breaks it off with me. She said she understood that and asked for some time to think. A few weeks later, she sent me a message saying that she broke up with her then-partner. Our romantic relationship began shortly afterwards.

 

Edited July 14 by Gebidozo

[ShySoul]

Sunrise, there are other scenarios. There are all kinds of scenarios. Here's a couple:

She does have latent feelings feelings for you. She divorces her husband but realizes that even with her feelings for you, she needs time to herself to clear her head and handle her depression. So you can't be together even with her feelings for you.

She is having trouble in her marriage and is reaching out because she needs support. She needs to feel like someone cares and wants what is best for her. She wants to leave her husband, but feels stuck and lacks confidence in herself to take that step. Or she feels trapped because of the children. In that case, pushing her away could end up making her feel more alone and doesn't help anyone. Your support may be the very thing that helps her deal with whatever issue she is having.

Not every person who reaches out is playing a game and trying to use you for their benefit. Most people who reach out are sincere and just want to be in touch with someone that has meant something to them in the past. 

I know this from experience. It was only a few months and not years, but a woman once reached out to me and expressed frustration with the marriage she had entered into, one she called a "disaster." Neither of us expected to rekindle anything, even though I, at least, still held some feelings for her. It was more about making peace between us and showing each other the same kind of support we had previously shown each other. 

You are the one who knows her best. You are best suited to understand what she is thinking and why she would reach out. It's not bad to stay friends with an ex or keep in touch and show each other support. Most people do stay friends with an ex. As long as you can emotionally handle it, you should. And I believe more people are able to handle it then we are often made out to believe. I've stayed best friends with someone I was involved with, even with them being married. I've been there for her through tough times, as she has been there for me. And neither of us have been devestated to the point where we can't or shouldn't be around each other. Our friendship means too much to us to do that.

To me it comes down to how much you feel you can handle, and the kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be someone who assumes negative things about her intentions and retreats from a person who you have cared about for years? Or do you want to be someone who stands beside a friend in need? As long as you can separate romantic feelings from friendship and give her the space and encouragement she needs to work through her own issues... then staying friends isn't a bad thing.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

In that case, pushing her away could end up making her feel more alone and doesn't help anyone. Your support may be the very thing that helps her deal with whatever issue she is having.

How would continuing the unhealthy connection help anyone? How is this helpful to the OP, who is already being understandably tortured by all the “what if “ scenarios, and whose suffering is going to be prolonged and deepened if he keeps being entangled in this emotional mess? How is this helpful to the woman in question, who unwisely chose an ex instead of a friend for support? How is this fair to her husband, who doesn’t know that they’ve been seeing each other?

No matter which scenario is actually taking place, either she divorces her husband (you’re right, it doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be together with the OP, but it’s a start), or the OP should stay far away from her.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

How is this fair to her husband,

It's not. I am rather gobsmacked that anyone would condone it, frankly. 

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

In that case, pushing her away could end up making her feel more alone and doesn't help anyone. Your support may be the very thing that helps her deal with whatever issue she is having.

Yeah, right. 

OP, please don't sell yourself the White Knight narrative on this one. What this poster suggested is exactly what keeps people in unhealthy situations and playing with fire. It's unwise. 

[flitzanu]

people have presented logical sides to this, but i can also tell you part of my story.

i got back together with the one true love of my life after being apart for over 20 years.  very similar, we split up, she married the next guy she dated and had kids.  we spoke briefly over the years but no intensity, just basic small talk.

now, mind you, the course of 20 years i'd publicly blogged, written about, etc., so it was very open to the world that i lost this girl and how i felt.  she reached out after 10 years and turns out she was in the late stages of dissolving the marriage.  we talked, reunited, and will be together forever.

now, over the course of 20 years, her reaching out never made me wonder if she felt the way i did, but, she did.  however, HOWEVER, she was married, and was respecting her marriage.  

if this girl feels the same, she will end her marriage because it is the right thing to do, and not because of "you"

 

second thing i'd suggest, is to watch the movie 500 Days of Summer.  sometimes we romanticize thiings in our head that aren't really there.