[34M] Feeling like a backup option with [26F] who's "slow burning" with another guy AND I'm always initiating. Early days, but is this a red flag or a reason to adapt?

[Anonymous]

TLDR: 36M dating 26F for 2 weeks. She's also casually seeing another guy (slept with him, not progressing) who she calls a "slow burner," while I feel like I'm a backup. She's warm in person, says she's never fancied anyone as much as me and that I make her feel special/adored so early on, but never initiates contact and has flaked on follow-up calls/texts a couple of times. She volunteered information about a past casual dating history (implies a higher body count, in her words, some guys find high). Her past includes a 6-year "mothering" relationship, no proper dating experience, and current therapy for childhood abandonment issues. Do I adapt or walk away from someone I'm very attracted to?

Hey all

I'm navigating a situation that feels pretty complex, and I'm really looking for some outside perspectives on whether I should continue with this person. I'm trying not to be hasty, especially as it's only been two weeks.

I (34M) have been dating a 26F for about two weeks now. Things have moved pretty quickly in terms of conversation and getting to know each other, but there are some significant points of context that are making me second-guess things, particularly around communication and perceived effort.

Here's the breakdown:

 The "Other Guy" Situation:

   * She told me she met someone else a couple of months ago and he's taking things really slowly. They've been casual and have slept together.

*She says she'll continue to meet him, currently once every 2 weeks, she says all they do is have banter and meet at the pub. 

   * She says he doesn't show her as much attention as I do, and he won't progress things from just casual meets.

*He's not her type and looks the exact opposite of me. She also said there's no feelings there, they get on like friends. 

   * She specifically stated that while she's getting to know me, she doesn't plan to sleep with him. She also said she would let me know if things develop sexually or emotionally with him.

   * I asked her why she didn't end things prior to 'looking' again, if he's not moving things forward. Her reply was that she wants to give him a chance because "he's a slow burner."

   * Naturally, I then asked why she opened herself up to dating others if she's waiting on him. Her response was that she wanted to give someone else a chance because she wants to find someone and just doesn't want to wait around for him indefinitely.

  My Feelings & Communication Discrepancy:

   * I've explicitly told her that this dynamic makes me feel like I might be a backup option.

   * My initial message to her (which I recently sent) was quite detailed and open about my communication style and how I wanted to ensure we both get what we need out of this. I expressed that I traditionally aren't great at texting but have adapted because I wanted to make it clear I like her. I also stated I'm open to adapting to her style, and want to avoid her feeling obligated to text. I even suggested discussing it further in person.

   * Her response to this message was: "I don't know, again I've been in a relationship for 6 years, I've never texted him as I lived with him - so like I said, this is all new to me! Annnnd im not used to a guy putting this amount of effort into texts so it's all very new! I'm just finding my feet and getting used to all of this so apologies if I'm behind x"

   * Crucially, since sending that message, I am still the only one initiating conversations.

   * Also, there have been a couple of times where she said she would call me after work or let me know if she was free to meet later, but then didn't follow through on those occasions. (To be clear, this hasn't particularly "bothered" me as it's very early days, but I'm adding it for full context on her communication patterns).

   * My internal feeling is that her lower texting communication (I'm consistently the one initiating, plus the missed follow-throughs) further emphasizes my fear of being a backup. When we're in person, she's incredibly affectionate and complimentary, saying I'm "the nicest guy she's ever met" and that I make her "feel valued." She has even told me that she has never fancied anyone as much as me, ever, using words to the effect of 'adoring me,' and that I make her feel special and no one has made her feel this way so early on. But when we're not in person, I feel "out of sight, out of mind."

 Her Dating History & Personal Context:

   * She mentioned she has never "properly dated" before. Her past relationships have only been serious ones, including a 6-year one where she "mothered" him, doing everything from looking after his kids, cooking, and cleaning, while he "didn't lift a finger."

   * This last six months is apparently the first time she's truly been dating, and she has stated she "doesn't want to rush into anything."

   * She also volunteered information, unprompted, about her past sexual partners, suggesting a number that she indicated some guys might find high. This doesn't bother me personally, but I'm adding it as she chose to share this context.

   * She is currently working on herself and having therapy for how her dad abandoned her once her mum and dad split. He doesn't talk to her, and she has found herself seeking extra reassurance in relationships as a result.

My Dilemma:

It's only been two weeks, and I fully appreciate that this is very early days. I'm not trying to force this person to message me first or act in any specific way. My question is more about whether I should adapt to how she communicates and operates, or whether I should walk away from someone I find absolutely gorgeous and who seems to have a good soul when I see her in person.

I'm trying not to overreact or be too hasty, but I'm already feeling like a potential "plan B" while she waits for another guy to step up. The significant difference between her in-person warmth and her out-of-person communication/initiation (or lack thereof) contrasts sharply with the strong compliments she gives me, the difference is striking and contributes to my hesitation. I'm also trying to factor in her past relationship dynamics (being a "mother"), her lack of dating experience, her past casual history, and her ongoing therapy for childhood abandonment – how much should I be understanding of these factors in her current communication patterns and "slow burner" situation?

My core questions are: Given all this context, should I continue being the sole initiator of communication, or should I pull back to see if she initiates? More broadly, what does this situation suggest about pursuing things with her? Am I seeing red flags that will lead to burnout, or is this simply a complex situation where patience and understanding on my part could lead to a genuine connection?

Any advice or similar experiences would be hugely appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

[Sanch62]

I can only speak for myself, and I'm a pretty simple person. I don't want to hear details about anyone else my date is dating. To me, that's cringeworthy TMI and a manipulative setup for a competition. So I'd tell this date, "I really like you, so I'm willing to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. You can figure out your stuff with your slow burn, and if you ever find yourself free and clear of any competition for me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up."

This at least appears to leave your door open a crack, and it gives you time to consider why you'd still be attracted to someone who is so indiscreet.

My offer of future contact would be a polite dismissal and would end this for me. I don't care how much I'd otherwise like this person or find them sexy; their poor form and indiscretion would lose my respect. Dealbreaker.

[Gebidozo]

OP, what kind of a relationship do you want to have with this woman?

If you’re looking for a casual romantic adventure with no strings attached, none of the things you mentioned should bother you.

If you’re developing feelings for her and are looking for a serious relationship with her, then obviously you should walk away. Yes, she’s keeping you as a backup, and she’s being quite open about that. You can’t expect to have a real relationship with someone for whom you aren’t the first and the only option.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Ideally I want a relationship. In person that's how she acts and what she tells me she wants. 

I can't help but think walking away before allowing her some time to work out what she wants would be hasty. I like her but her actions haven't encouraged me to develop serious feelings yet as its only been a very short period of time. 

Isn't a couple of weeks still classed as early days?

I want to call the behaviour out as I see it which is that I feel that she is making me feel like a back up which contradicts what she says in person (yes I know actions speak louder than words). However, I dont want to rush her, nor do I want to be hasty in making a decision

[Anonymous]

Also, how can I expect her to make me her only option when we've just met. Im usually a date one at a time kind of guy. But in modern dating people regular date more than one person until they're exclusive? Should I not allow some space for that? I'm trying to find the balance between being open minded, mature and understanding vs being a mug and like you mentioned, being a backup option

[Sanch62]

You're overlooking the fact that she's involving you in her decision-making by being insultingly indiscreet.

I can't think of any self-respecting person who wouldn't walk away from this, wishing her luck with her other guy.

These kinds of discussions are just not how reasonable dating is done. It's grossly self-aggrandizing on her part, and it's kind of sad that you'd consider sticking around to put up with it.

[ExpatInItaly]

All of this for someone you've known a grand total of 14 days? 

My guy, you are already over-investeed. You've barely started dating this woman, and it can hardly even be called dating yet. All this over-analyzing and talks about communication and wondering if you need to adapt to her - no, no, no. This is the sign you're too wrapped up in someone who is just not that into you. 

I wouldn't bother with this, because you are almost surely going to get burned. FInd a better option who is more mature and not hung up on another guy. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

In person that's how she acts and what she tells me she wants. 

If that were the case, she wouldn’t be sleeping with that other guy.

What she tells you is quite insignificant compared to how she acts.

 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I can't help but think walking away before allowing her some time to work out what she wants would be hasty.

But it’s clear that she wants the other guy, otherwise she wouldn’t be sleeping with him and waiting for him to have a proper relationship with her. You are just a convenient backup option for her. If you respect yourself, you should walk away from this.

 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

But in modern dating people regular date more than one person until they're exclusive?

First of all, not necessarily, there are plenty of people who go on dates and have sexual relations with one person at a time.

Second, yes, if both people are happy with multidating, if both are just trying out things and aren’t committing to anything, then there is nothing wrong with that. But in your case, you only want her and you’re bothered by the fact that she is sleeping with someone else. Which means that, unless you want to continue to be humiliated and hurt, you should walk away.