Boyfriend jerks off in bathroom when I’m right there

[Malmom]

Ok so, to start this off - I have a high sex drive and want it as much as I can get. My boyfriend claims he has a high sex drive but yet we have sex maybe twice a week, but he jerks off in the bathroom with me in the bed next to it every day. I don’t have a problem with him jerking off and watching porn but everyday doing that and then not being able to have sex with me where he a. Stays hard or b. Finishes, seems like a big problem to me. I used to do a lot of surprises in lingerie, toys, handcuffs, watching porn together etc. but now it feels pointless since most times he either can’t finish or goes soft like I’m not enough compared to his hand and porn. I have brought this up to him and he slowed down on it for a bit and was actually finishing and staying hard but now he’s back at it. I just don’t get it and it makes me feel like trash. The sex also often feels like it’s only about him so I’m taking it all as very selfish and not caring about me. I don’t get the desire for pixels over pussy. Am I just being ridiculous?

[Sanch62]

No, you don't sound ridiculous at all. BF has trained himself to prefer his own hand, and he's all about getting himself off rather than pleasing a partner.

Consider your overall relationship and decide whether these limits are enough for you. Do you envision this as your future love life?

[Malmom]

Agreed. No I definitely don't, plus it seems that at this point the communication isn't even worth doing as my feelings aren't even important. Just sucks when he does try and make the effort it's great. 

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Malmom said:

Agreed. No I definitely don't, plus it seems that at this point the communication isn't even worth doing as my feelings aren't even important. Just sucks when he does try and make the effort it's great. 

I hear. But if he's just doing that to buy favor, he'll just keep reverting back to the hand.

Edited July 10 by Sanch62

[stillafool]

His hand is tighter than your vagina.  Do Kegel exercises.

[ShySoul]

Porn isn't about a lack of attraction to the other person. Someone can be very attracted and into their partner, but have a variety of issues going on within them - both physical and mental - that prevents them from being able to perform. The porn makes it easier for a person to finish because there is no expectations, no stress, and nothing to think about. It can be exactly your ideal fantasy, whatever you are into at into point in time. There is no emotional connection, nothing else to consider. It becomes easier to lose yourself in it with no distractions or worries. 

Porn is also addictive. It messes with your brain and hormones. I don't know what he is watching, but it becomes easier to be desensitised to more common things and to need higher levels of stimulation that he might feel he can only get from porn.

As for it feeling like it's about him, most porn is male centric. Is he possibly taking his cue from what is being watched?

You have every right to feel hurt and upset by this. He should be paying more attention to the ready and willing woman in front of him then images on a screen. I'm sorry he isn't giving you what you need and showing you how much he desires you.

However, if you want to be with him, then you need to have a serious talk with him. Have you asked him why he watches the porn? Have you delved into his fantasies and what it is he actually gets from it? Has he always had issues staying hard or finishing? Even not related to being with you or involving porn? Rather then see this as him choosing porn over you, really get into the heart of what he gets from the porn and why he uses it. There may be fears and insecurities there that aren't obvious at first glance. 

If he still refuses to work with you, then it might just not be a good fit. But he has shown some effort, so I would think talking and communicating would be worth a try.

[Els]

I wouldn't make an issue about masturbation. Sometimes people just want a quick orgasm that's all about them, and that's totally fine.

The real issues here are that you feel dissatisfied with your sex life, he's being selfish even when you DO have sex, and he potentially has a porn addiction. And all of those do need to be addressed - but starting off with "why do you masturbate when I'm right here?!?!" isn't going to fix them.

How long have you been together? How's the relationship otherwise? If you're a long term couple and the relationship is otherwise great, I'd suggest couples' counseling. Bear in mind though that the road uphill can be long and a huge slog, and things might not improve.

If you're not feeling too great about this relationship otherwise, IMO it's better to save yourself the hassle and just leave.

[Sony12]

Sounds like he is mainly just interested in his own fantasies. Which wouldn't be a huge issue if his fantasies involved you and were things you really enjoyed also.

However sounds like he is a lot more sexually interested in the girls he sees on his tv screen than he is you. Unfortunately this probably isn't going to change. As others have said porn is an addiction.

Edited July 11 by Sony12

[ShySoul]

How long have you been together? How long has this been going on? How is everything else in the relationship?

Sex/porn use is a very personal topic. It is different for every person and every couple. Open, honest communication is the only way to deal with it. So talk and figure out exactly why he is doing it and what he is thinking and feeling. It might be very different then what you are assuming. Likewise, be clear with him about how you feel. Don't approach this as a battle between hurt people or people who want their way. Try to find a way to have an adult conversation and recognize you do love each other. Come together and figure out what is and is not acceptable for both parties.

[ThorLyonsSalem]

That reminds me of the SITC episode where Charlotte is married to her first husband (Kyle McLaughlin) and he is unable to do IT with her but she catches him in the bathroom with a dirty magazine where he can. 

Why?  Sounds like this guy you mentioned (as well as Charlotte's first husband) has deep seeded issues related to this.  Can he get past them?  I hope he can, but otherwise you are not going to solve it.  

Reminds me of the love of my life.  He had a lot of issues that he didn't want to get past, and there was nothing I could (or anyone else could) do or say to make him get past them.  And he chose the safer route to not do anything about it. 

[enterthevoid]

You're not being ridiculous.  He's prioritizing porn over you and he's not trying to improve.

It's perfectly okay to want sexual chemistry has a hard requirement and a non-negotiable in a relationship.  This does not make you superficial.  This does not make you a pervert or a degenerate.  This is a perfectly valid need to have.

How long has this been going on?  Did he only recently develop a porn addiction?  Or was this always a problem, but you were just hoping it would get better.

 

Edited July 17 by enterthevoid

[FredEire]

Sounds like a classic porn addiction. He's not being present with you. Something a lot of people don't seem to realise is that sex isn't or shouldn't just be about busting a nut, it's about a shared highly intimate experience with another human being, and for that to be truly satisfying you have to be present.

If your brain is switched to dopamine mode always looking for the next hottest pair of tits it's going to take away from that presence.

[Rockmysocks]

Hi @Malmom, no you are not being ridiculous. I'm male & have this issue with my female partner. I usually cannot finish & find it difficult to keep a hard-on. I'm sure there are deep-seated issues that I'm not aware of, issues I'm ignoring, or both. My partner's sexual level is much lower than mine. I've tried talking about it, but it makes her feel inadequate and uncomfortable. I like roleplaying, dirty talking, and being fun & naughty. It's the opposite with my partner, where I feel that I always have to initiate things and she's basically a starfish. And yet in other facets of our lives, things are going well.

I do jerk off to porn sometimes, but it's ultimately unsatisfying. I wouldn't say I was addicted to porn as I can go for months without watching any. It's too easy to label someone as addicted to porn. There's a reason why someone finds that more stimulating than what's happening in real life.

Maybe you could try a bit of role playing that might make your partner less self-conscious? It's not so much about toys & lingerie & other things. It's all in his head. Get him involved, talk to him about why he likes certain types of porn. What is it that turns him on in those scenes? 

There's no point telling him to stop a particular type of behaviour, because it won't work, even if he knows it's not good for your relationship. Maybe you can get him to start a different type of behaviour despite himself. Maybe in the morning when you wake up next to him, surprise him by jerking him off and/or giving him a blow job, just saying "I just love sucking your cock", making eye contact throughout. But don't finish him. After a short while or when he gets close, stop immediately and give him a peck on the cheek, saying "That's enough for now, you'll be late for work. Maybe we'll continue tonight if you're a good boy."

You get the idea. Get him addicted to the slutty you rather than his hand. And if after all your efforts it's still no good, then at least you've tried and you can move on.

[Malmom]

@Rockmysocks thanks I appreciate the response! I think the hard part is I am into all of the dirty talk, role playing and just experimenting with new things and I’ve done all the things he’s asked that turn him on (which when I’m doing that and making it really fun it’s mostly no issue but it’s always me doing it, not him doing the things I like). So, I have done all of that, role played his fantasies, wake him up with a blowjob (with prior approval lol), probably give him a blowjob at least once a day cause I enjoy it but then I’m always the one just giving during sex and he’s the one getting off.

 

Granted, we did have another conversation about it and he has dropped the porn down to maybe once or twice a week (as far as I know) and the sex has increased a ton as well as his effort on getting me off as well. 
 

Overall, idk how it’s gunna go as we move forward but the effort has been there from him so I’m going with it. Sex is just a really important thing for me and that I’m also a priority in it, I love getting the other person off but I’d like for them to feel the same lol. 
 

Always open to more advice and tips from anyone

[Els]

27 minutes ago, Malmom said:

@Rockmysocks thanks I appreciate the response! I think the hard part is I am into all of the dirty talk, role playing and just experimenting with new things and I’ve done all the things he’s asked that turn him on (which when I’m doing that and making it really fun it’s mostly no issue but it’s always me doing it, not him doing the things I like). So, I have done all of that, role played his fantasies, wake him up with a blowjob (with prior approval lol), probably give him a blowjob at least once a day cause I enjoy it but then I’m always the one just giving during sex and he’s the one getting off.

I completely understand. Effort needs to come from both parties IMO, otherwise it's pointless. I think you're already heading towards a lot of resentment here, so if you try to do even MORE during sex and are met with the same indifference, you'll just end up imploding.

And even if you somehow don't end up imploding, it's not sustainable long term. It's fine to put in effort to make sex better for your partner, but it needs to be reciprocated.

Keep talking, keep the lines of communication open. But frankly speaking, if it's THIS hard (pun not intended) to get him interested in sex when you're not married and don't have kids, it's not going to improve later.

A few people have asked and you haven't answered: How long have you two been together?

 

Edited July 31 by Els

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Malmom said:

... Sex is just a really important thing for me and that I’m also a priority in it, I love getting the other person off but I’d like for them to feel the same lol. 

I'm glad you talked, and I'm glad he's stepping up. Did you tell him this^?

I think this mostly has to do with performance. It's less to do with not enjoying you, and more to do with enjoying himself without a need to perform for someone else. So sure, that feels sucky, because nobody can inspire anyone to desire what they don't want at any given moment. Hopefully, he will relearn how to enjoy mutual pleasure with a real-life human being. It does sound like he cares enough about you to want this, too.

[Rockmysocks]

4 hours ago, Malmom said:

@Rockmysocks thanks I appreciate the response! I think the hard part is I am into all of the dirty talk, role playing and just experimenting with new things and I’ve done all the things he’s asked that turn him on (which when I’m doing that and making it really fun it’s mostly no issue but it’s always me doing it, not him doing the things I like). So, I have done all of that, role played his fantasies, wake him up with a blowjob (with prior approval lol), probably give him a blowjob at least once a day cause I enjoy it but then I’m always the one just giving during sex and he’s the one getting off.

 

Granted, we did have another conversation about it and he has dropped the porn down to maybe once or twice a week (as far as I know) and the sex has increased a ton as well as his effort on getting me off as well. 
 

Overall, idk how it’s gunna go as we move forward but the effort has been there from him so I’m going with it. Sex is just a really important thing for me and that I’m also a priority in it, I love getting the other person off but I’d like for them to feel the same lol. 
 

Always open to more advice and tips from anyone

You sound exactly a female version of me. I love using my imagination, being playful and pleasing my partner. Unfortunately, she does not have the same level of sexual interest.

You can only try, which you're clearly doing, so kudos to you for trying to keep the flames burning. 

Can I ask how he goes about getting you off? For instance, if you love receiving oral, does he clearly enjoy doing the deed or does it seem more like a chore? If for whatever reason getting you off is not enjoyable to him, it will be challenging in the long run for both of you.

[Malmom]

@Els we have been together for a little over a year - it’s like it comes in waves. It used to be touch and go on the sex then dry spell and then we have a conversation and it changes and then back to the same.
 

Ever since I posted this and we had our conversation we have been having a lot more good sex for the both of us. Idk if it’s just a short term thing but he’s initiating a ton more and multiple times a day (I’m not one to complain about that so it’s been good). He’s been working a lot more on getting me off as well which has been a really good change. just hoping it’s not going to fade back to the same issues - it for sure can happen less than it currently is and I won’t feel the same way I was as long as the effort is there still. 

[Malmom]

@Sanch62 I have told him that before and he always responds with “I’d eat you out everyday if you’d let me” and I always respond with well I’ve never said no? He says the things but the action of it isn’t always there. (Granted I’m not expecting him to do it every single day lol). 
 

he has started to actually make some changes with it lately, just hopefully it’s actually change and not just for now to placate me. We will see I guess!

[Malmom]

@Rockmysocks he does enjoy going down on me (so he says) and lately has been doing it a lot more. He’s also made a good effort for if he’s close or he and I have been trying for a while to get me off during sex to add a toy or whatever else he knows works. 
 

just never really thought my sex drive would overrun my boyfriends and it ends up giving you a bad feeling about yourself and the relationship (to be fair I’m sure I have unresolved trauma around sex that makes me a bit touchy or lacking in confidence and that never helps). 

[Els]

2 hours ago, Malmom said:

@Els we have been together for a little over a year - it’s like it comes in waves. It used to be touch and go on the sex then dry spell and then we have a conversation and it changes and then back to the same.
 

Wow. That's really early to be having issues like this with sex, honestly. The first couple of years are usually the "honeymoon years", so to speak.

I hope I'm wrong and that his improvements are permanent, but just be aware that he might be doing this just to placate you. And that's never sustainable.

[Rockmysocks]

4 hours ago, Malmom said:

@Rockmysocks he does enjoy going down on me (so he says) and lately has been doing it a lot more. He’s also made a good effort for if he’s close or he and I have been trying for a while to get me off during sex to add a toy or whatever else he knows works. 
 

just never really thought my sex drive would overrun my boyfriends and it ends up giving you a bad feeling about yourself and the relationship (to be fair I’m sure I have unresolved trauma around sex that makes me a bit touchy or lacking in confidence and that never helps). 

I know exactly what you mean on feeling bad about yourself, I feel like that too when sexual wavelengths are not the same. Try not to blame yourself, because you should only be yourself with your partner. Easy to say, I know. 

But it does sound like things are improving for you because you're both making an effort & have good comms. It's better than many other couples, that's for sure. 

Keep at it & hope things work out in the long run.