Mixed signals, poly talk and messaging other girls - Did he ever really like me?

[loudgumchewer]

I (25F) started dating this guy (32M) a month ago. Things were great until recently: long daily convos, 4 hour phone calls, deep chats, seeing eachother several times a week. He has two kids from a previous 9 year relationship. I started to like him and he told me he liked me too. Infact, he told me he hid himself from dating apps.

Things started to feel off. We made plans and he'd flake, but still message me constantly. I found out he was back on a dating app and spoke to him about it. He said we hadn't defined what we are, and he had no idea that I had feelings for him. He said he liked me too but it had been a month. I ended up dumping him. He spent the week messaging me, begging to make it right, saying he missed me, etc. We made up and agreed to continue seeing each other and other people. In the end, I wanted to do this because the space made me realise that this was probably healthy to do so early on, and I did like the other attention I got from other guys after a few days of not being so drawn to him.

We recently went to a festival in Amsterdam and it just felt weird. We were both messaging other people (and sneaking glances at each other's phones). He kept talking about going into brothels in the red-light district together and wanting to look at the women there, I didn't mind at first but it was a bit overkill. We sat down for a drink and he brought up polyamory and how his last relationship, the physical stuff fizzled out, how everyone he knows who is in long-term relationship isn't happy. He said he's monogamous like me, but "understands why people feel the other way."

We got drunk later that night and I wanted to get drugs for the festival. He said don't buy it from the street. I agreed, but I asked someone else who was sat at the bar who had been in Amsterdam for 10 years. The guy I'm dating then blew up at me for asking someone else, saying I was being disrespectful. He threatened to walk off alone and leave me. We argued about him threatening to leave in a foreign city and he said I was being rude and hypocritical for wanting him to protect me but not listening to his advice.

The next day, we made our way to the festival and there was no mention of it or any affection. He could tell I was upset and stared at me, I could tell he felt awkward but he didn't say much. Eventually, I got over it and we had fun at the festival. Things were good. He was telling people its early days but we are a couple, he really likes me, it feels easy etc. He couldn't stop kissing me, looking at me, touching me. It felt nice.

But on the last day, on the way back home, he was cold again. Storming ahead and acting blunt/distant. I tried to stroke him, hug him etc and he didn't return it. If we were sat together and my leg touched his, he'd slowly turn his away. I felt paranoid and awkward the whole day. I then got in a mood and that was the only time he nudged me playfully and asked if I was ok. I blamed it on being tired/waiting for the plane.

When we got back last night, I left straight away. We haven't messaged eachother since. I really liked him but I'm confused. I felt there was something real at first. I can't get my head around how it went from very warm and connected to suddenly cold and emotionally absent. He begged for another chance and paid for most of the trip - why do that if you're not that into me?

Was this just casual the whole time and I misread it? Was it real or just convenient affection and sex? I'm struggling as part of me wants to believe he did like me. But I felt so discarded yesterday. Would love your thoughts - honest ones.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t quite understand, are you into polyamory yourself or not? If yes, then I have no idea what to tell you. Polyamorous relationships have their own rules that I’m not familiar with. You should outline and establish those rules clearly with him to avoid such unpleasant surprises.

If you aren’t into polyamory, I don’t know why you’re even still thinking about the guy. The moment he mentioned polyamory and began that whole tirade about monogamous relationships invariably dying out, you should have walked away.

On a side note… 4 hour phone calls? Goodness… I wouldn’t be able to stand it even with my most beloved and closest person in the world. Why would you have such long talks with someone who is basically still a stranger?

 

[loudgumchewer]

No I'm not into polyamory. I get that when dating early on, you can have options and sleep with other people, go on dates. That's fine. But ultimately, when things get serious and you get closer, I want a monogamous relationship. I did say this to the guy, and he said he felt the same. Told me he deleted apps and wasn't seeing anyone else. Originally, I wasn't getting to know anyone else, but I found out he then was,  so decided to as well. And I thought after a month of dating, maybe its 'normal' to go on other dates with guys and I shouldn't take things so seriously with him so soon. 

He has always said he wants something serious and a relationship, but when we went to Amsterdam just last weekend, he then gave that speech on polyamory. He had never mentioned that before. I said to him "I respect if that's how you feel and understand the benefits of it - but it isn't for me" and he backtracked and said, "No it isn't for me either, but I understand why others feel that way." I kept telling him it's fine if he felt that way, and he kept denying it. So I just got confused.

Reflecting on it, I think he just wants some fun and polyamory, etc, which is completely fine and I would have never shunned him for that, but wish he had just been honest. He beat around the bush a lot about it. It's odd as he got visibly upset when seeing I was speaking to other people, but it was he who wanted that. When I dumped him for talking to other people, he begged for a chance to make it right with me. I don't get why you would do all that if you just wanted some fun.

We haven't spoken since and I don't know if I should just leave it or send a message to ask if he's ok and end things. And yes 4 hour phone calls are long haha. I don't do that with everyone but somehow yes did it with him. Dating is different per person, it is what it is.

Edited July 8 by loudgumchewer

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, loudgumchewer said:

he backtracked and said, "No it isn't for me either, but I understand why others feel that way."

That stands for “It’s totally for me, but I’m going to say it’s not because you don’t like it”.

 

1 hour ago, loudgumchewer said:

When I dumped him for talking to other people, he begged for a chance to make it right with me. I don't get why you would do all that if you just wanted some fun.

Based on what you posted here, my guess is that he is developing feelings for you, but is also quite obsessed with the idea of polyamory and doesn’t believe that a monogamous relationship is possible.

[ShyViolet]

Why are you even wasting energy thinking about this guy?  You only dated him a month, and there were already blowout fights.  In such a short time, you got to see a glimpse into his true character.  I guarantee you it would only get worse.   You should recognize the red flags and stay away from this guy.

[MsJayne]

He sounds extremely insecure, he has to push a partner’s buttons to get a reaction to reassure himself. Any person who says and does hurtful things to provoke insecurity in a partner is poisonous. Passive-aggressive behaviour, such as testing your boundaries by overdoing the interest in Amsterdam’s brothels, is an early indicator of someone who will become increasingly abusive if you tolerate their crap. Likewise when he overreacted to you asking another guy for advice, he’s super insecure and if you keep seeing him he’ll turn into a nightmare. I say run. 

[Els]

9 hours ago, loudgumchewer said:

He said he's monogamous like me

Yeah.... um. If you believe this, I've got a truck full of sand to sell you...

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, loudgumchewer said:

I don't know if I should just leave it or send a message

I wouldn't bother. This guy is all over the place and has extreme swings. He nearly left you in a foreign city--geezus. 

If he contacts you, I'd kindly tell him that you enjoyed most of your time with him, but you are not a compatible match. If he doesn't contact you, consider how lucky you are to be safely home and away from him. You dodged a bullet.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't let this clown darken my doorway again. 

You got too carried away in the initial sparks, but now you are seeing what he's really like. I would want nothing further to do with him. Raise the bar, sis. 

[loudgumchewer]

He did end up messaging me, just pretending nothing happened and texting about his day. I ignored him for most of the day, as I was busy (actually, I was on a date, lol!) and received a lot of double texts. 

Messaged briefly this morning. I'm not sure whether to send a message ending things or go completely ghost/ignore him as I don't want any drama/arguments. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would tell him plainly it's not going to work and to please not get in touch anymore. 

No loose ends. 

[smackie9]

This dude is a drip...just move on.

[Sanch62]

17 hours ago, loudgumchewer said:

He did end up messaging me, just pretending nothing happened and texting about his day. I ignored him for most of the day, as I was busy (actually, I was on a date, lol!) and received a lot of double texts. 

Messaged briefly this morning. I'm not sure whether to send a message ending things or go completely ghost/ignore him as I don't want any drama/arguments. 

Well, it makes no sense to just keep receiving messages from him that prompt you to send brief replies to not feel lousy. I'd just tell him that your trip taught you that the two of you aren't compatible enough to get along very well, and you wish him the best.

Boom, done.

[stillafool]

Why do you want to still see him when you're already dating others.  You've moved on.  Stay there.