Uncertain financial situation and potential impacts?

[WorldTraveler]

They say that marriage is one of the most important financial decisions that you can make. That being said, when it comes to dating and evaluating for a partner and overall long term success, I'd be lying if I said I don't take earning potential of my partner into consideration. I work in medicine making a comfortable six figure salary but unfortunately with that comes student loans that will hang over my head for years to come. As a 32M I understand the financial costs of raising a family and while I'm still at least 3-5 years away from wanting kids potentially, again I envision what family life would look like based on overall household income. While I'm known to get far ahead of myself and realize no one can predict the future, I at least strive to have some kind of idea to what financial security may look like. With the current woman I've been dating she's great in all the ways you'd want - puts in effort, seems emotionally stable/mature, I find her attractive, we get a long great and even share many similar hobbies. Unfortunately where I sometimes find myself sometimes struggling is that she's currently in a career limbo at 30. She's definitely a dreamer and while there's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's great that she's exploring all viable options now after stepping away from teaching, she's seems to struggle with what she wants to do. She's debated going back to school to get her masters and phD due to her love for teaching but then has concerns with the lackluster pay within academia. Then she considers other ideas that are totally opposite ends of the spectrum and talks about going into writing or marketing with what seems like a new career idea every other week. I completely understand "stepping stones" and trying to navigate career changes, but the one thing I struggle with - when there's a lot of of great things that I enjoy about her - is the fact that I'm hoping to find someone that is established in their career. now that I am. And even better, someone that's in a position that allows for financial growth. To me at least that way there is some degree of certainty when considering overall earning potential and family planning, should we consider to become more serious later down the road. I've thought about this even more so lately considering student loan plans are currently up in the air and if my monthly payments should balloon, it'd be nice to be married to someone in the future who's income allows for some cushion if needed rather feeling financial strain. I realize I'm likely getting ahead of myself as I usually do but just a lot of things I've started thinking about now that I've been seeing this woman for the past two months and things have hinted at the possibility of progression.

[flitzanu]

12 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

 it'd be nice to be married to someone in the future who's income allows for some cushion if needed rather feeling financial strain

while i understand that this is hypothetical and you are just roadmapping for the future, this type of condition is not what "love" is and shouldn't really be part of your agenda.

just don't overextend your finances and don't live outside of your means, just like assumedly you do now.

[Els]

I don't know what medical specialty you're in (and it makes all the difference), but many of the doctors I know seem to have the opposite preference - their careers are so hectic that they prefer a partner who works less and can handle the "home" side of life. Especially the males, although some of the female surgeons have this preference as well. None of those couples struggle with finances after completion of residency/training despite some of them only having one income, although admittedly there was some struggle beforehand.

And since you want kids, this is something that you'll REALLY need to consider - someone will need to be with them 24/7, and even if they go to daycare or school the number only goes down to 16/7.

Regardless, as long as you're comfortable with being responsible for 50% of everything that needs to be done in a home and in a family, it's your prerogative to want a partner with a high earning potential. If you choose to prioritize this, you should consider what decisions you should make in your own career in order to allow you to take on that load (i.e. you might not be able to pursue the 60-hour-week options).

And you should only date people whom you haven't already excluded, as it's not fair to someone to date them while knowing that it has no potential for you.

Edited July 8 by Els

[basil67]

If you want a woman who has high earning job and also have kids, you'll have to choose a specialty which allows you to work moderate hours and with flexibility.   Think about whether you will do the daycare drop off or the day care pickup.   And when the children are home sick, you must be able to cover 50% of the time they stay at home.    And as a doctor, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that little kids are still developing immune systems and so they get sick a lot!    Speaking of sick, you'll also need to take 50% time off to get them to their immunisations.  And kindergarten induction.  And watch the Easter bonnet parade

I guess that if you're both high income you could hire a nanny, but I guess you'll have to think about whether income is more important than being there for your kids

Edited July 8 by basil67

[Sanch62]

We're each perfectly entitled to choose our own private desirables and dealbreakers. There's no need to feel squirmy about this. I do think the good folks above have raised some reasonable and responsible elements to consider. A 'good' career doesn't always support 'good' parenthood, and if you factor childcare challenges and expenses into your equations, your definition of a 'power' career woman might possibly become one who can power a multi-child stroller.

It's your call, and there are no judges or juries on this.

[WorldTraveler]

10 hours ago, flitzanu said:

while i understand that this is hypothetical and you are just roadmapping for the future, this type of condition is not what "love" is and shouldn't really be part of your agenda.

just don't overextend your finances and don't live outside of your means, just like assumedly you do now.

Appreciate the insight but what do you mean exactly in saying it shouldn’t be part of your agenda? While I know there’s more to life and partnership than money, I’ve seen the strain it can have on families when it’s lacking. I’m not looking for a CEO, surgeon or some another high paying partner but I guess I’ve just thought about in the sense of if I can potentially find someone that I love who also makes a decent living so as to avoid financial stress why wouldn’t I? Or are you saying that if I find someone that I love, how much they make shouldn’t really matter?

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, WorldTraveler said:

Or are you saying that if I find someone that I love, how much they make shouldn’t really matter?

I know a couple that has been married for nearly 30 years. One person makes a fairly decent living. The other person has spent much of that time unemployed and when employed wasn't making huge bucks. Yes, they had concerns with finances, especially considering the area we all live in and ever rising costs. But they find a way to make it work and they don't love each other any less. The important thing for both of them is that they are each happy in their lives.

My parents were married for 25 years. My mother stopped working after I was born. My father didn't have  high status or wealth. While we never were in danger of starving or going homeless, we also weren't ever going to be rich. And my parents were fine with it. There were a lot of other issues, but money was never one of them.

I have seen over and over again couples who don't have a lot of money but have love and a connection. That is what makes a relationship special and lasts. It is what gets you through the bad times - financially or emotionally. On the other hand, I've seen couples where someone is so focused on money that it causes a wedge and creates problems.

You aren't wrong to want financial security. That is important. But it shouldn't be such an important factor. It shouldn't be how you evaulate someone. When you really love someone, you love them for them, as they are. For richer or poorer as the vows say... you take them as the person they naturally are. 

[MsJayne]

You need to think about whether you want a partner who you genuinely love or a business merger.  If you find yourself with a woman who's educated and has profession credentials, as well as being attractive and someone you love being around, count your lucky stars instead of counting her earning potential. 

[Els]

4 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

Appreciate the insight but what do you mean exactly in saying it shouldn’t be part of your agenda? While I know there’s more to life and partnership than money, I’ve seen the strain it can have on families when it’s lacking. I’m not looking for a CEO, surgeon or some another high paying partner but I guess I’ve just thought about in the sense of if I can potentially find someone that I love who also makes a decent living so as to avoid financial stress why wouldn’t I? Or are you saying that if I find someone that I love, how much they make shouldn’t really matter?

Any doctor who has completed their specialty training/residency in a developed country will earn more than enough to support a family comfortably on their income alone. This is, of course, assuming that you spend reasonably. You should probably double check salaries where you live, but a consultant here in the lowest-paying specialty earns $200k a year. That's more than double the median household income.

It's just a matter of living reasonably. Nobody NEEDS more than $200k a year, even if it's nice to have. 

Now, again, obviously you shouldn't date or marry anyone that you don't want to. So if it feels like you'd be "settling" to be with a woman who earns less than you, then just don't do it. It's not fair to her to string her along.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

... a CEO, surgeon or some another high paying partner...

Okay this is one extreme...

Quote

... are you saying that if I find someone that I love, how much they make shouldn’t really matter?

And this is another extreme. Allowing someone to freeload because they have captivated your emotions isn't exactly a bright idea.

So with all of your intelligence, why would you reduce this down to one binary set of extreme possibilities? There are plenty of points between these extremes to find your ideal balance.

Consider that two of the biggest factors of loving compatibility include respect and trust.

Would you be able to trust a person who makes poor life decisions, and who may possibly be invested in you for your income potential?

Would you be able to respect someone who is too passive about their own interests and career path, or who relies on others to support them?

These are private, individual decisions that don't require a response to us, and that also don't require anyone else's approval. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

[flitzanu]

the followups have expanded on the suggestion i was making, that if you're choosing someone based on money, that may not be love...it may be "a business arrangement".

just don't lose sight of finding someone you enjoy and want to be in love with, that in itself can be a hard enough task.

otherwise you may be fooling yourself into pretending to love someone just because they have the financial portfolio you want.

there's definitely a happy medium.

[introverted1]

OP, is the issue your gf's earning potential or is it that, when it comes to career, she is a bit flakey and you would prefer someone who has it more together at age 30?  While I agree that the former is potentially not a big issue, I think your concerns are warranted about the fact that she is still "finding herself" at 30.

[ShySoul]

On 7/7/2025 at 10:39 PM, WorldTraveler said:

With the current woman I've been dating she's great in all the ways you'd want - puts in effort, seems emotionally stable/mature, I find her attractive, we get a long great and even share many similar hobbies.

is the fact that I'm hoping to find someone that is established in their career. now that I am. And even better, someone that's in a position that allows for financial growth

This is an individual preference. There is no right or wrong choice here, there is the choice that is right for you.

What is it you value most at this point in time? What are your priorities? Do you want the mature person you have things in common with? Or do you want the person with the stable career? If you want the latter, she may not be at the same stage in life as you are. Doesn't make either of you wrong, just not wanting the same things at this time, not on the same page.

It's your choice, but I'd personally take the person I connect with any day. I've found that to be very rare in my life. On the other hand, I've seen people be in the same spot your girlfriend is in, switching careers and unsure of herself. I've seen people change professions multiple times and take the hit financially, but be in a better position overall because they move towards something more personally rewarding that makes them happier in life. "Finding ourself" is a lifelong journey and for some people it involves changing course in their 30s or later. But they still manage to have some degree of financial stability.

I hope you find what you are looking for, rather with her or someone else. You both should have a relationship that is right for you and will make you happy in the end.

[basil67]

@WorldTraveler do you realise that this current thread relates to something you have identified as being a problem which hinders you from successfully dating?   

May I remind you of the opening paragraph of your last thread?   "After being in the online dating pool for so long I’m afraid I’ve gotten stuck in that toxic mindset of always looking for the next best partner. “Maybe the next one will be prettier, make more money, share more hobbies, etc.” I’m willing to admit I’m guilty but want to change my mindset as my friends and family keep telling me I’m too picky. Additionally, think I have a fear of commitment that I’m currently trying to work through that which adds another layer of complexity"

Edited July 11 by basil67

[Gaeta]

Stable mature women don't give up on a teaching career without having a clear plan in front of them and a clear path on how to get to their next career. I would be worried that she will be a life time dreamer. I know someone who's a life-time dreamer, always jumping from a career, to a course, to being in limbo for a couple of years. Now she's 60 in a new job she'll probably get tired of next year.

I have never looked for someone making a higher earning, l much prefer being with someone that has an average earning and is reliable and financially responsible.

[ShySoul]

At some point we will all leave this earth. When we pass away, I doubt most of us will look back and be focused on how much we earned or the bottom line of our checking account. Money is what we use to take care of the basics so we can have a life. It shouldn't be the focus of our life. 

In the end we should do what makes us happy and fulfilled. Some of the most important and rewarding jobs aren't the ones that earn the big paycheck. Teachers, journalists, and paramedics are essential and important, yet neglected in terms of salary. I would rather be with someone taking one of those jobs and making a difference in the world, then be with someone on a corporate career path that would be financially secure, but not be making the world a better place.

Dreamers are important. Dreamers see the world differently. It may take them a long time to figure out what they want. They might change course many times. But when you love someone, you want them to be happy. You want them to explore and figure out what does make them happy. And being a dreamer doesn't make them less responsible with finances, not necessarily. I'm a dreamer as well. Yet I have always had stable jobs and done by best to take care of myself and others.

I would encourage everyone to look within themself and do what makes them happy As long as you can cover the basics - food, clothing, shelter - your owe it to yourself to pursue whatever your passions are.

[ShySoul]

On 7/11/2025 at 2:32 PM, basil67 said:

 "After being in the online dating pool for so long I’m afraid I’ve gotten stuck in that toxic mindset of always looking for the next best partner. “Maybe the next one will be prettier, make more money, share more hobbies, etc.” I’m willing to admit I’m guilty but want to change my mindset as my friends and family keep telling me I’m too picky. Additionally, think I have a fear of commitment that I’m currently trying to work through that which adds another layer of complexity"

@WorldTraveler, is this true? If so, you aren't alone. I think a lot of people these days suffer from this. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? There is always someone who could be better out there. Dating sites encourage that mindset, wanting to keep you hooked on the service and always looking. When you find someone, you have no need for them any more and they lose your business. When you are always looking for the next one, you fail to take notice of just how good the present is.

I agree, it seems this issue with finances might be another example of you looking ahead. I would slow down and really ask yourself if this is something so important to you that you are willing to lose what is otherwise a good relationship. No relationship will ever be perfect. There will always be somethig that another person could be better at. Look hard enough and you will always find flaws and red flags. But are you looking for the green flags? Are you happy with what you have and how you relate? Is her being a dreamer and changing her job causing you problems and issues, getting in the way of being able to live your life? Or are you manufacturing potential problems that have yet to occur? 

You should both have the kind of relationships you want. I just hope you tak your time and consider all sides, not rushing to a decision or letting negative thinking get in the way of something that is going good and could be everything you want, right in front of you.

[ThorLyonsSalem]

There are no guarantees in life except for death and taxes.  That being said, it's fine to be a planner as well as a dreamer.  I am 50 years old with a horrible job history and scraping by as best I can with multiple jobs that I am always juggling so that I am always making money.  Why?  The rug has been ripped out from under me I don't know how many times now.  In one situation, I got a job as a receptionist and the loser who hired me called me after one week and said he made a mistake.  He overreacted when there would be an opening, was not ready to get used to a new person, and decided to give the woman who quit and went to another job her job back because he wanted her back.  Nevermind the fact that she quit, went to another job, and did not agree to return to him when he decided this.  But I digress ...

There are no sure things in life, so you must take a certain risk behind many things.  If you want to stay in your cave and take the safe way out, you can do so.  If you want to get out and attempt things, then you take a risk.  I choose a risk when I want a risk, I stay in the cave when I want to stay in the cave.  No one can tell you what is best, you have to try it out.  

[enterthevoid]

It doesn't seem like she's irresponsible and going into lots of debt over frivolous purchases.  She just has different priorities in life, and that's okay.  It's okay for your partner to be their own person, and they don't have to be a replica of you.

Wanting someone who also makes six figures doesn't make you superficial.  But it will significantly reduce your dating pool if you want to exclude 80-90% of the dating population on just one factor alone (let alone all of the other factors).  

You're not obligated to date someone who is middle-class.  But the top 10-20% also aren't obligated to date you.