Should he have told me that his ex went to his place?

[smackie9]

Why not just cut to the chase and ask him about it. And please just reassure him that it's not about causing trouble or avoiding it, but just some common courtesy to fill you in when these events happen. Just keep it simple. 

[Gina2005]

37 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why not just cut to the chase and ask him about it. And please just reassure him that it's not about causing trouble or avoiding it, but just some common courtesy to fill you in when these events happen. Just keep it simple. 

Yeah, I'm not sure, if I do that, he is gonna know how I knew, I don't wanna cause any trouble between him and his friends.

I'm still hopeful he is gonna tell me the next time we see each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

if I do that, he is gonna know how I knew,

So? 

Did this friend tell you not to tell himm that she shared this with you? 

[Gina2005]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So? 

Did this friend tell you not to tell himm that she shared this with you? 

Not, not at all.

But, it feels like it was girl's talk.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

But, it feels like it was girl's talk.

I think this is where you're missing something. 

This woman had no business sending this to you in the first place. Please don't assume she's your new gal pal. Be wary of people like her to seem to want to stir the pot. That's not girl talk. It's drama-shopping. 

[Gina2005]

Hello everyone.

He told me today that he found out that his friend told me about his ex's surprise visit to him, she told him, for what is worth.

As soon as he knew about it, he rushed to call me, as if it was an emergency, I was at work and answered the phone worried that something might have happened to him

He said that he hadn't told me because he didn't want me to worry about his ex.

I asked him if that was something his ex had done before, go visit him after they had broken up, 

He told me that yes, sometimes she would appear there or wait for him outside to get home from work, "to talk" but after a few words it was clear that the real reason why she had gone to his place was to have sex with him and then leave.

I really wanted to know how many times his ex had visited him when he was single, or if she was in a relationship during this encounters, or if she went there accompanied with another girl, but I didn't want him to feel like I was judging him for what he did before he even met me, so I left it at that.

I've asked him to trust me, to trust that I trust him and us, that I'd like to know if his ex tries something again, so he agreed to do it, I don't think there is a reason to feel like he can't tell me that his ex is lurking his place or his relationship.

I feel relieved, honestly.

[swirlingcloud]

On a positive note I hope he is caring about his relationship with you, his present and his future with you in the sense that he now puts up great big fat walls to put his ex out for good. >I'm thinking for his own sake (and well, yours too) he needs to work through it in his head so that he gets to a place where he can be indifferent to her (instead of telling his friends the way he did, revealing). Me meaning not him working through if he has romantic feelings for her or not, that part seem dead and gone with, but more the mental effect, damage, that has taken place from the turmoil of it. 

On a not so positive note I'm thinking it can't be good that she actually visits him after she has appeared on a social event with her girlfriend, and his with his. I mean, come on? Maybe not such a good idea that you or him, for that matter, expose yourself to having a social life where she is included in future ahead. You should not have to put up with any of it as it is obvious there is drama behind the curtains of the theater, if you get me. If I were you that would actually be my demand after finding this out. 

Me coming into my husband's life stirred things up as well without me knowing about it at first or intending it to, it got to be that way when they got the message from him that he was serious about me (although it was early to be serious about someone, but that was his call). He cut himself loose (to the extreme) so that he thought I would not figure it out, but of course, in time, I did, and my instinct, my gut that had always whispered something, turned out to be right. He not telling me was out of fear that I would get the wrong idea about him, he said, afterwards (like years after). But him not telling me when I knew there was something created a trust issue in time for me along with other things. He comes from a family with trust issues as well so this is what he has been taught (not to excuse it). I forgave him as I could tell he had not been unfaithful, not even close, and this was even at a time when I can't remember if we were yet a couple or not. What ever you do do not loose your instinct, your gut, pay attention to it, plus listen to your own signals how you are doing too. 

The reasons I found out why these individuals were getting dramatic was I understand way after (when I was in it I could think why don't they like me?), because I was the symbol of a threat, I was taking him away, and these were people that were "down there" and so they were trying to pull him "down there" with them, and in that process drag me down too, our relationship. Or symbolizing to me he was not my kind, he was theirs, and that I didn't belong, I should be with my own kind. They try to act confident, bold, step over boundaries, but in reality they are scared because they don't want to feel like they are loosing this, once and for all. A  lot of things make sense to me now, that did not make sense to me then and actually because of how I was treated it caught up with me in time.

I would say it is important you do not let go of your own social life, your friendship, your family, co-workers, if you so will, anything to make you strong in you being strong in your own identity, when his gets weak (if lets say he has these wrong people in his life). I know that lots of things I've written here will be like water under the bridge, the relationship is so early on, and in the beginning I would not listen to or just think I got this. 

I'm thinking the chances of there being more drama is in one way more likely, but in another if you two steer this ship right, you will continue into another type of lifestyle that will remove this drama from being part of your lives, you will hopefully get a good one, very good things to look forward to. These things are not to be taken granted so I am hoping he does a better job at protecting it than my husband unfortunately did (having weaker boundaries from effects from his childhood, first family life, and his autism diagnose proventing him from noticing some alarming things I've noticed about some people he's invited in, before getting it on his own). 

Last but not least, do not bend for nobody, if you get me. Do not try to submit to sucking up to his female friend or his ex, you stay indifferent, cool, strong in your silence, attitude, would be my advice. I know I was unaware (certainly when not listening to my gut, my female instinct telling me the truth) and thanks to my husband I was unaware (creating insecurity and me too not knowing what he was about, truly, this other side of him, as he was not telling me stuff, important for me to know as I was trying to navigate in his world). Me being unaware made me act like I thought I should act, being polite, being nice, being social, but it made me vulnerable to what was going on, really going on. It was when I chose to alone trust my gut, when I was like, OK I am still not totally sure of what is going on here, but I know enough, that my attitude flipped, changed, and I got to be this indifferent attitude. It got to be frustrading to them as now they had lost their power. They would too try to have a go at him, and tell others and him that I was the decision maker of us, but I wasn't. I was simply going my own way. I had no interest to be in any type of relationship with them and I did not like them, back, and there was no reason for me.  This was me taking steps back, and this was the time when he chose to run after me. If the outcome would have been that he would have stayed with these people I would go further, away from him (as I knew they were that toxic, I was not bargaining with these people, I did not want them in my life) and we would in time, I bet, split. I was on my way, only at the time I did not fully understand I was, I only knew I was not feeling OK around these people and he was the one connecting me to them. As much as I loved him it was not a price worth paying. 

I know of someone who dumped her man when she had had enough of his ex trying to maintain, and him too, that they were just friends now, and being the one most active. The people I had an issue with in my husband's life they were always the ones more active (as they too were getting more desperate). So be aware of that, who is the most active one in these relationships? Anyways, she dumped him, as she knew his ex still wanted him back (this was a turmoil type of relationship as well in the past), but he insisted it was only a friendship (and yes, he was that stupid). The thing was, when his ex (or "friend") got desperate enough is when her true colors came out and it got obvious to him too that she did want to sabotage his relationship and she wanted him back. This was her agenda, al along. He begged to get his gf back and promised to not have any type of contact with his ex, his "friend", and as she was coming back, his ex, "friend", then got to the desperate stage she did when she revealed herself, finally, to him too. I think she did the right thing to leave him under those conditions because this "friendship" was eating it's way into their relationship, it was frustrading, provoking for her to know he got the text messages and so on from his ex, "friend". No matter how many times she told him that woman's true agenda he would not believe her. Being stupid is not attractive, it is as simply as that. She had a right to leave and I think it was great of her to do that. She had had enough of this pathetic drama. This guy I am referring to is really this very kind person and in other ways he is intelligent, but he was naive, and that is not attractive, that is not a strength. What ever it is that makes them vulnerable is not good and that in turn will effect the partner in return. So listen to your gut, don't loose your way, gather up, strengthen up with your own family, friends, co-workers, interests, what ever you can. If he is clever enough he will in time, hopefully soon, run after you, and pick more wisely who he wants in his life or not, it is not just about his own life anymore, it's the two of yours life now. 

All I can see when I look back at these people my husband had in his life before is that I am the opposite of them and why he would go from them to me was a mystery to me. I think we mirrored two different sides to him. I don't think it was only being naive, or his autism getting in the way of him seeing some things, or him putting up with too much stuff, but he has worked through now what it was (answers way back from childhood, family life, what he's been through why he chose and accepted people like that in his life). Ultimately it was his choice, but I had a choice too. I only wish I had been way more loyal to myself, trusted my gut more, and not put up with so much before I finally came to that conclusion. I think it is important to know you first have to save yourself before trying to save someone else, I had to get to safe ground and then it was his choice to swim my direction or be back in the storms, the chaos with them, only dragging him down.