Should he have told me that his ex went to his place?

[Gina2005]

Hello all.

On June 21 we went to this wedding, the evening was nice and we had a good time, some of his friends that I had already met were there so we had some catching up to do, I really like his friends, specially the girls, they are so easy to talk to, warm and friendly.

On the other hand, his ex was there with her girlfriend, she (the ex) is a friend of the bride, but it was as if they weren't even there, other than a brief moment when they  acknowledged each other presence, both my boyfriend and her ex avoided even looking at each other, so the evening was mostly uneventful regarding his ex, I had a better view of her table and her date than my boyfriend had, and he didn't try to switch seats, turn his head or anything, his focus was me, his friends, and our conversation.

On top of that, we didn't run into his ex and her girlfriend on the dance floor, we didn't dance that much but still.

The only time I had a good look at them was when me and the girls went to the lady's room, they went there as well, and then my bf's ex proceeded  to say hello to my new friends (I mean my bf's friends), introduced her girlfriend to them, ignored me until the girls introduced me to her like " this is Gina, Raphael's girlfriend", then she pretended she hadn't noticed my BF was there, then asked how he was and all that.

I'm telling you the whole event, so you can have an idea of how it all went and how she behaved, I really felt like she was harmless, so harmless that I didn't loose sleep thinking about our encounter, and I concentrated on my bf and how nice his friends are to me, to us.

As of today, one of my bf's friends sent me a message, a screenshot of a group chat and it shows my boyfriend telling them that his ex went to his place, alone, tried to get inside and he denied entry and quickly sent her away calling her crazy, everyone cheers and laughs and add more adjectives to her, this intended as a reassurance to me that my BF is no longer interested in her and how that is a good thing, and how everyone thinks I'm a lot nicer than that "witch" (her words, not mine), and how she is so glad to see him happier that he has been in years, apparently, most people around my bf (friends and relatives) weren't so sure he was going get over his ex, ever, and also, most of them, didn't have a good opinion about her.

Thing is, he didn't tell me about his ex going to his place, and I don't know how to feel about it, I'm not sure if I should bring out that his friend told me, feels like I would betray her trust and also, loose my insider.

I can't help but think, he doesn't trust how would I react, and thinks that I would probably act like a nuisance, so he chose to keep this to himself and his closest friends.

[Gebidozo]

Personally, if I were in your situation, I’d prefer to know about that kind of thing.

However, overall, I don’t think it’s such a big deal. Your boyfriend probably just didn’t want to cause you distress and chose to not tell you about that incident.

What I like much less is that he called his ex crazy, that he told his buddies about that, that they laughed at her together, called her offensive names, and cheered for you.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

one of my bf's friends sent me a message, a screenshot of a group chat

I find it odd that this friend would do so. What was the purpose of this? 

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

I'm not sure if I should bring out that his friend told me, feels like I would betray her trust and also, loose my insider.

This is also odd. Why do you even need "an insider"? This is not how adults typivally approach relationships. 

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

he didn't tell me about his ex going to his place

How recently did this happen? 

[Gina2005]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

What I like much less is that he called his ex crazy, that he told his buddies about that, that they laughed at her together, called her offensive names, and cheered for you.

 

She did things like, try to isolate him from his friends, delete a contact from his phone if it was a girl she didn't know, didn't let him hang out with his friends if she wasn't there, or call him and cause a scene if he did go out with his friends.

Also, break up with him for no reason, begged to be back together, break again, begged to be back, pressure him to get married, break again, and ultimately cheat on him, ask for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

[Gina2005]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I find it odd that this friend would do so. What was the purpose of this? 

This is also odd. Why do you even need "an insider"? This is not how adults typivally approach relationships. 

How recently did this happen? 

I have no idea of why did she do it, all she told me is that they are all really glad they are seeing that their friend is doing so well and so happy and so over his ex.

It happened today, his ex went to his place, he rejected her and told his friends about it.

[swirlingcloud]

For what reason would he go on some group chat to tell others about this incident where his ex came to his home and he rejected her?  I'm thinking he must have felt inferior to her somehow before. Or why make something out of it, now that he believes himself to be superior? There are things unsettled between his ex and him, no matter how well they both performed during the evening that all was the way it should be for both her new partner and you, his new partner. 

In my opinion if he chose to keep this a private incident between him and her than he should not go around telling other people about it and not you. You are likely to suspect something or find out anyways if he does this. And so you have. Already. 

I'm thinking: Is there something you feel you want to know about their relationship - ask. If you have no interest - don't. If you do ask maybe he'll tell you.

When I did ask my husband of his it was helpful as it made me put the picture together of knowing him better (and his autism). Early on into the relationship it can be a sensitive matter, but more into it, it shouldn't be. He was extremely watchful, reserved about his romantic past and what went on before we came to the point where we decided we were boyfriend and girlfriend. The reasons for it he said was that he did not want me to get the wrong idea about him (the right one?) plus he did not come from a family home where you were that open about stuff like that. He would say he was the jealous kind of me and he was sensitive in the wrong way when something about my past came up so he said he did not want to know. Today he knows. I know. It is not a big deal. It does not effect us in a negative way. It simply does not effect us. I am sure there could be things he wants to keep to himself and the significant others he was in a relationships with and that I do respect as it is between them. If  I would ever become his ex I would appreciate it if he kept some things to himself and not tell his new one. I think your bf and his ex triggers each other, still, evident of that is her coming to his place and him telling others about it in some dramatic way. 

You are being dragged along all these strange scenarios; with this ex of his, and his female friend (?) of his (the other thread). Sorry about that. Hope it all works out for you

 

 

 

Edited Tuesday at 04:45 AM by swirlingcloud

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

I have no idea of why did she do it, all she told me is that they are all really glad they are seeing that their friend is doing so well and so happy and so over his ex.

Pro tip: be careful about people like this friend. It was really unecessary for her to screenshot and send you this, whatever she claims her motivations are. She may be the type who enjoys stirring up drama, which she now has. You are now questioning why your boyfriend didn't mention this to you, and I get that. But I side-eye someone like this friend who takes it upon herself to run to you with this first rather than giving you boyfriend the opprotunity to speak to you first. 

Anothe pro tip: people who are "so over" their ex generally don't need to crow about it to others. It sounds to me like there is some unfinished emotional business there, from both the ex and your boyfriend. 

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

She did things like, try to isolate him from his friends, delete a contact from his phone if it was a girl she didn't know, didn't let him hang out with his friends if she wasn't there, or call him and cause a scene if he did go out with his friends.

Also, break up with him for no reason, begged to be back together, break again, begged to be back, pressure him to get married, break again, and ultimately cheat on him, ask for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

Not the point. It’s just that the whole group discussion of an ex and the reassurances that he is “so over her” are a bit of a… high school drama kind of thing.

[Gina2005]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Not the point. It’s just that the whole group discussion of an ex and the reassurances that he is “so over her” are a bit of a… high school drama kind of thing.

Maybe it's because they are his high school friends? I don't know.

 

[Gina2005]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Pro tip: be careful about people like this friend. It was really unecessary for her to screenshot and send you this, whatever she claims her motivations are. She may be the type who enjoys stirring up drama, which she now has. You are now questioning why your boyfriend didn't mention this to you, and I get that. But I side-eye someone like this friend who takes it upon herself to run to you with this first rather than giving you boyfriend the opprotunity to speak to you first. 

Anothe pro tip: people who are "so over" their ex generally don't need to crow about it to others. It sounds to me like there is some unfinished emotional business there, from both the ex and your boyfriend. 

 

Yes, you are right, it's kinda of "I got your back and I really like you" but, not the best way to show me that as I would be happier if I didn't know her ex went to his place, and the last thing I knew about her is that she was happy with her girlfriend.

 

[swirlingcloud]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Pro tip: be careful about people like this friend.

 

So true. (Been in a similar situation).

I think it is called triangle communication form and is common in families that have narcissism attached to them one way or the other. These people always creates (more) drama and if they get to do it long enough people start to show all types of signs of stress.

If something would ever return to them, their own responsibility in all this, they are always, of course, completely innocent. They like it, the drama, and they like to have a role in it and they like the manipulation of it. Playing with people like that. Nobody needs that. It's not helpful. Ever. 

The only people they are ever loyal to is themselves. 

The only solutions I could think of at the time was me taking distance, keep things on the surface alone or cutting off contact. 

To the thread-maker: Honestly, you now got several people connected to your bf that act in one way or another the wrong way. I had been in past relationship before meeting my husband and had no trouble with who ever the ex had in their lives, including family, friends (female friend too, no such vibes coming in or me being treated poorly by her). The only one I've had such trouble with has been with my husband.

Sooner or later you have to ask yourself why he would chose such company, if he is like that himself and that's why. Or he somehow for some reason accepts it. And why such people are drawn to him (except the family as he can't chose).

After having been dealing with this for too long (I was very patient at first, too patient, watching more than objecting) and in a vulnerable point in  my life it began getting to me in a big way. To the almost break down of our marriage (me wanting to leave because of everything, afraid of my sanity). I used to be strong and patient and deal with so much that today when I look back I don't know how I could do it for as long as I did before my body and mind said: Enough. I am getting back to normal and our relationship too, but it should never had to get that far. I stood between forgiving and staying (or still leaving) or refusing to forgive and leave. It would not work out that I forgave and stayed had he not changed some things about him (through therapy, the right form). For a long time I thought all these people could be kept on the outside, and we were stronger, or I was strong, but you have to be strong as a team, and we were not because of his vulnerability. I hope nobody gets to walk the road I've walked and I sure hope you never do. 

As for your bf version of his past relationship or others of it, please, keep in mind every relationship has two sides to it. I get that way more now that I am not as young as before. I am sure he is telling the truth as do the others think they are, but your bf may have something himself that made her get like that, not to make that right, but as a warning sign that well into the relationship you may react too on some of his characteristics faults. You may then too feel like behaving like her or it may come out in some other way because of all the stress related to his characteristics fault/s. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

She did things like, try to isolate him from his friends, delete a contact from his phone if it was a girl she didn't know, didn't let him hang out with his friends if she wasn't there, or call him and cause a scene if he did go out with his friends.

Also, break up with him for no reason, begged to be back together, break again, begged to be back, pressure him to get married, break again, and ultimately cheat on him, ask for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

And yet...he stayed with her. 

That says an awful lot about him, too. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

Yes, you are right, it's kinda of "I got your back and I really like you"

It reads more "ooh, maybe some drama!Let's stir up Gina."

Given how new your relationship is, you still don't know these friend very well. She may like you, but she could spell trouble, too. Be cautious about assuming she has your best interests at heart. 

[Gina2005]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It reads more "ooh, maybe some drama!Let's stir up Gina."

Given how new your relationship is, you still don't know these friend very well. She may like you, but she could spell trouble, too. Be cautious about assuming she has your best interests at heart. 

They have been friends for more than 10 years, I don't think she would want nothing but the best for him, and I may be just that.

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet...he stayed with her. 

That says an awful lot about him, too. 

And yet, he kept his friends no matter what she tried to do.

Maybe the sex was great (Just kidding).

I really don't care about what he did in the past, he is with me now.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

They have been friends for more than 10 years, I don't think she would want nothing but the best for him, and I may be just that.

I wasn't referring to him.  I was referring to you. I don't mean to be unkind but several of your posts come across as rather naive. I would urge you to use a little more discretion when you see people behaving the way this particular persom just did with you. 

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

And yet, he kept his friends no matter what she tried to do.

Well, that wasn't my point. My point was no matter how crazy he says she was, he still wanted to be with her. That says something - a lot - about his own attracton to dysfunction and chaos. He evidently allowed this to carry on a long time.  This isn't all on her. 

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

Maybe the sex was great (Just kidding).

It probably was, at least on some level. I can't tell you how many men I know who will keep going back to a "crazy" woman because they really like the sex. 

 

Edited Tuesday at 08:54 PM by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

The two of you are still learning how each other likes to be treated, and technically he did nothing wrong because this is about preference, not dating rules

So this about communication and you telling him that you would like to be included.   "Regarding your ex coming to your place, I feel uncomfortable not knowing about it.  And I felt even worse that all your friends knew and were gossiping about it and I knew nothing.  If stuff like this happens in future, I would like if you kept me in the loop"

And I agree that they are all acting like a bunch of 13yos.  

 

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

Maybe it's because they are his high school friends? I don't know.

 

You mean they have been friends since high school? I thought your boyfriend was in his late 20’s.

At any rate, this whole business of group discussions of private love affairs, one-sided badmouthing of exes, screenshots sent by “insiders”, etc., feels like something you’d do at the age of 15 or 16.

[Sanch62]

I can only speak for myself, and I would leave this alone. If it happened yesterday, I'd pull back on any assumptions about whether BF will discuss this with you in his own time and his own way. I wouldn't regard it in terms of whether he trusts me, or might not want to upset me, I would respect the fact that his ex is his old business, he never asked for this to happen, and he's entitled to process it and make his own choices about whether he wants to mention to you.

As for broadcasting it to his friends, these are his people, and they've likely been through the wringer with this ex along with BF for the whole ride. If he felt inclined to update them, that's his business. Is it particularly mature? Not exactly, but I have friends from my childhood and teenage years whom I regard as my chosen extended family, and I'm not proud to tell you that, too often, my maturity level plummets and I regress into my own teenage mentality with them. And I'm old enough to be your grandmother.

I agree with the cautions above about this pot-stirrer of a friend. She betrayed your BF's confidence even while she supposedly cares about him. To me, that would be a giant caution sign, and I'd be clear that I cannot trust this person with anything I might believe that I'm telling her in confidence.

Skip that. She has disqualified herself as a confidante.

This doesn't mean you must alienate her or burn bridges, but you've been put on notice that discretion is NOT important to this person, and she will easily rationalize exposing anything about anyone to suit her own real-or-contrived agenda at any given time. Be kind when your paths cross, but never, ever divulge private information to her OR anyone she's close to. They will smile and encourage you, but you will regret it.

[Gina2005]

31 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I have friends from my childhood and teenage years whom I regard as my chosen extended family, and I'm not proud to tell you that, too often, my maturity level plummets and I regress into my own teenage mentality with them. And I'm old enough to be your grandmother.

This is what I have perceived everytime I am with them, they are back at high school, I don't think it is bad or immature, because that's the only time I see him act like that, and he is so happy, laughing and remembering something that happened back in those days.

As for the girl that told me what happened, only time will tell, maybe she thinks of me as part of the group now, or maybe I'm too naive, I'll see what happens.

 

[Sanch62]

3 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

As for the girl that told me what happened, only time will tell, maybe she thinks of me as part of the group now, or maybe I'm too naive, I'll see what happens.

She betrayed someone in that group. It was not her call to make. If that's her definition of respecting your BF, I'd consider that very important to know.

Be careful, or she will do the same to you one day. Whether she regards it as malicious or not doesn't matter. She can betray ANY trust in the blink of an eye. Not seeing that IS naive.

Edited Wednesday at 03:37 AM by Sanch62

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

They have been friends for more than 10 years, I don't think she would want nothing but the best for him, and I may be just that.

If she has half a brain she will not think this until the two of you have a long and proven track record of at least a year or two.  

 

6 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

maybe she thinks of me as part of the group now, or maybe I'm too naive, I'll see what happens.

Yes, you are naive. These girls are his group and his friends.  Yes, they may be nice and inclusive while you're together, but if/when you breakup (as many young relationships do) they will no longer be your friends.  

[MsJayne]

The friend who sent you the snapshot of the group chat is a troublemaker, so watch out for that. The ex who turned up at his house and got the door shut in her face...roll out the Red Carpet Of Embarrassment .  Reminded me of a pushy, (drunk), female friend, decades ago, who was so desperate to force herself on a guy who wasn't interested that she climbed in through his kitchen window, squashing the tomatoes that he had ripening on the sill, then got bailed up against the pantry door by his unimpressed dog.

[BaileyB]

On 7/7/2025 at 11:22 PM, Gina2005 said:

I have no idea of why did she do it, all she told me is that they are all really glad they are seeing that their friend is doing so well and so happy and so over his ex.

The validation of his friends seems to be really important to you. Does is alleviate your insecurity and provide reassurance to feel the friends like you and approve of the relationship? 

I would be very leery of a woman who sends this kind of information - she doesn’t really know you, her loyalty does not lay with you. Even if she is well intended, your relationship should be none of her business. 

I agree with those above that she is trying to stir the pot. There are a lot of women circling here, you seem to be insecure about that - his friends are not your friends, not to be trusted… not when they are doing stuff like this and particularly at this early stage in the relationship. 

Edited Wednesday at 02:07 PM by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

i'm not trying to reiterate opinions above, but i do have different words for them.

keep in mind his issues with his ex are HIS issues, and they are with him and with her.

if he began involving you, that would become a triangle, involving him, her, and YOU.  

you don't want to be part of a triangle. 

understandably it feels weird if you aren't aware of their interactions, but as long as nothing deceitful has happened, he hasn't done anything wrong.  out of courtesy, yes i'd think it would be wise of him to mention it, because that way it doesn't randomly surface down the road and then it would seem like making excuses for not telling you.

[basil67]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, you are naive. These girls are his group and his friends.  Yes, they may be nice and inclusive while you're together, but if/when you breakup (as many young relationships do) they will no longer be your friends.  

Just adding this is not about you or your worthiness as a friend.   It's just a fact that when a breakup happens, each person walks away with their own friends and the other partner is no longer in the friendship group.   Even in divorce, it's very common to lose contact with people who were originally your exes friends.  

Of course, if there is a breakup, your friends will continue to be your friends and they won't see him anymore.  It works both ways