He has another OW.. I found out, im lost/broken

[Anonymous]

Long story short my MM ghosted me out the blue back in March. I made my assumptions that it was his wife, family obligations, etc. I didnt think much of it. Yes the communication went down, he started accusing me of things such as starting random arugments, not trusting him etc. I drove by his place on a Monday in late March and saw a white car parked in his driveway. I thought it was MW so I didnt do anything. I waited in my car far away, and when the woman left It turned out it wasnt his wife. I kept it to myself. nobody knows that I've been seeing MM for 3 years. I feel dead inside. I kept in the back of mind trying to figure out who it was. He has coworkers from our same field. Upon doing my own searching, I found out who the OW was, she divorced the day after she at his place that day. I am lost for words. My intuition, gut feeling was right, something was wrong yet he didn't want ot say anything and he made me look crazy, but came back on his own multiple times. 

Why was the OW there the day before she filed for divorce? the day of her filing, I drove by his place and I crashed out on him crying, confessing to him to tell me who the woman was, if it was wife (he said no), a co worker (he didnt want to answer) I told him ur sleeping with her, ur replacing me aren't you and he replied "Dont say that. Not replacing". Idk what to do chat. World. I need advice. I feel like im dying inside. Be nice to me. I know MM, what to expect from a lier, a manipulator, but why does he keep coming back to me. I didnt even give up my viriginity to him yet, and he found this other woman. I told him that my loyalty was deep to him and he does this. 

 

We havent' spoken in 4 days from other reasons, I wanted him to come see me when I was out of town for work, as I'm alone and away from support system. All he told me was to stop and relax. "U cant be texting and calling me like this" I never expected MM to make me feel so lonely rn. Hurt. Do I reach out and tell MM that I know he has another OW? Do I anonymously send him a msg telling him to "screw off my OW" pretending it's the other betrayed man. (Their divorce is final, so IDK if that would even do anyhting). His W doesnt know about me, about OW. And I'm the youngest of all these parties and never had a man before. He was my first. 

 

Please be kind to me. Advice is greatly appreciated. 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I told him ur sleeping with her, ur replacing me aren't you and he replied "Don’t say that. Not replacing".

No, he would prefer to keep you both. And, his wife - apparently. 

 

51 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

He was my first. 

Kindly, he is not your first relationship. This isn’t a relationship is the way that a woman shares her heart and her life with a man. It’s also not a sexual relationship. Be glad for that. 

So, take this new information for what it is - confirmation that you need to let this go and move on with your life. Trust me, when you find the man you are truly supposed to share your life with… you will wonder why you wasted your time with this MM.

Don’t seek drama - I would not message MM, his wife, or the OW. Protect your peace and walk away… block him and never look back. 

Edited July 7 by BaileyB

[Anonymous]

@BaileyB You have no idea how bad I want to give some form of revenge. Just to hurt him. I've thought about it. Burner social media accounts to tell MM to back off posing as his the ex-husband, or even posing as the OW and telling his wife. But it wont do anything to me. I'm still in the shadows. Its not like he will admit anything to me, If I were to tell him "Your lying to me!".  I can't believe this has happened to me (of course I thought about it) but another WOMAN. she looks exactly like his wife. Then why did he end up pursing and finding me, I feel so damaged from MM alone. 

And for him to ever reach out to me again? For what?? Idek how I would act knowing personally he has been lying

[Sanch62]

I'm sorry you're going through this. When you think about this man's capacity to deceive his wife, whom he's presumably loved enough to have proposed, and with whom he has stood up in public and taken vows to love, honor, and cherish, what is it, exactly, that you envision for yourself with him?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I didnt even give up my viriginity to him yet

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

And I'm the youngest of all these parties and never had a man before. He was my first. 

 

I’m confused, first you say you’re still a virgin, then you say he was your first man. Which is it?

Regarding the rest of your post, I highly suggest you read some other threads here on the forum and heed the advices that people here give to women who have affairs with married men.

To make it short: please block that man everywhere and stop having any contact with him. Then, perhaps find a good therapist who will help you to regain your self respect. The very first thing you need to understand is how humiliating and degrading it is to have a prolonged affair with someone who is in a relationship with another person. You should never do this to yourself again.

[Gebidozo]

20 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

You have no idea how bad I want to give some form of revenge. Just to hurt him.

First of all, revenge in general is self-destructive and spiritually harmful.

Second, in your case, there is nothing to avenge. That man was never yours to begin with, he is not bound to you by anything. Believing his ridiculous lies and letting him manipulate you so easily for three years is something that you should hold yourself responsible for.

You want to hurt him? By doing that, you’ll only be hurting yourself deeper. And he is hurt enough by his own immoral conduct, rest assured. No cheater is safe from painful pangs of conscience, and they will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

@Gebidozo First man I've ever opened up to emotionally, sexually. We did things, but no sexual PIV penetration. I refuse to believe it was all these 3 years. This current year was when I first discovered this switch in contact, behavior, etc. Last year I sorta became distant as his father passed away, but he came back on his own. I Never expected another co-worker. A woman of his own age, especially one with 3 kids. He and his W have no children. I have no children.

I really don't want to hurt him, but I'm hurting. I love him and I've told him that before, and then now discovering (connecting all the dots) it all made sense to me his behavior, the sudden switches. He is in no contact with me currently because last week he told me he was done "arguing with me" after I noticed he switched to being distant. He last saw me 3 weeks ago and we hung out. I hadn't had known of anything then. 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

When you think about this man's capacity to deceive his wife, whom he's presumably loved enough to have proposed, and with whom he has stood up in public and taken vows to love, honor, and cherish, what is it, exactly, that you envision for yourself with him?

And why exactly are you shocked that he has lied and deceived you? 

I mean, you know first hand that the man is deceptive and unfaithful. And yet, you expected honesty, loyalty, and fidelity from him?? 

I hope that you learn from this experience. 

[enchantedjewel0]

I'm sorry you're going through this. If in your head, you're expecting this man to show up at ur porch and confess how he has lied and played with your emotions you found the wrong guy. And if he were to reach out again? U would know why, just LUST. It does not matter if he's with OW or ended it with OW, she got tired of him etc. I'm sure the OW will catch up on to him as well, because he's never going to leave his wife. This man does not care for you. I'm sorry for you to hear that, but he's not talking to you now knowing your hurting, it doesn't affect him.

 

There a blessing in this, you didn't lose your virginity to him. He might still think you're easy, (most definitely naive)  but Not here to Judge,  you know what you did with him exclusively. 

 

I think the only true way for 'revenge" would be to never speak to him again. Cry it out and It will be for months OP, considering this was your first man. Don't suppress your feelings. Then Glow up. Don't go back to him. There is a highly likely chance he will return when he becomes curious why you aren't blowing up his phone with texts, messages, the clinginess you gave him. He knows he is IN CONTROL. So just let him think that way. U might think MM is the only man for you, but he has manipulated you to think that way and he knows you're loyal to him. 

Edited July 7 by enchantedjewel0

[Gebidozo]

25 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

First man I've ever opened up to emotionally, sexually.

Again, I strongly recommend therapy. You had your first sexual and emotional connection with a man who was in a relationship with another woman. You need to understand what compelled you to commit such a self-destructive, gravely disrespectful and immoral act.

 

25 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I Never expected another co-worker. A woman of his own age, especially one with 3 kids. He and his W have no children. I have no children.

What does it matter what you expected? You were in no position to expect anything at all. That man was never yours to begin with, he had zero obligations towards you. You simply let him manipulate and use you for his own pleasure. 
 

 

25 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I love him

No, no, no. This is not love. If you really loved him, the very first thing you’d ask him to do would be to divorce his wife, so that the two of you could be together. And if he refused, then you’d wish him all the best and cut off all contact with him. 

Edited July 7 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, enchantedjewel0 said:

There a blessing in this, you didn't lose your virginity to him.

Of course she did. What does it matter what kind of sex exactly they had, it was sex and she isn’t a virgin anymore.

The blessing is that the guy found himself a new toy to play with. Perhaps that will finally open the OP’s eyes and make her love herself a little bit more and get rid of him for good.

[basil67]

You might be mad and disappointed, but you knew he was married so you're not the victim here.  His wife is the victim, and you were complicit in his deceit of her.  

Rather than focusing on revenge, perhaps a bit of self reflection on your own part in this would be wiser?  

Edited July 7 by basil67

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

@BaileyB You have no idea how bad I want to give some form of revenge. Just to hurt him. I've thought about it. Burner social media accounts to tell MM to back off posing as his the ex-husband, or even posing as the OW and telling his wife. But it wont do anything to me. I'm still in the shadows. Its not like he will admit anything to me, If I were to tell him "Your lying to me!".  I can't believe this has happened to me (of course I thought about it) but another WOMAN. she looks exactly like his wife. Then why did he end up pursing and finding me, I feel so damaged from MM alone. 

And for him to ever reach out to me again? For what?? Idek how I would act knowing personally he has been lying

Don't make a bad situation worse by making a huge fool of yourself. You can't get revenge on someone who doesn't care what you think. Use this as a learning experience, in future keep away from married men, because any married person who goes sleazing around behind their spouses back is a person who's messed up and you're asking for trouble by being drawn into their seedy world. The best revenge is to get on with your life and let karma take care of scumbags. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Don't make a bad situation worse by making a huge fool of yourself. You can't get revenge on someone who doesn't care what you think.

Exactly. 

 

Quote

 I can't believe this has happened to me. I feel so damaged from MM alone.

You are damaged because you made the be very poor decision to get involved with a married man. If you are hurt, you need to spend a little more time thinking about what you have done to contribute to this situation and a little less time thinking about him…

Edited July 7 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

MM's wife could probably care less what he's doing.  She probably knows exactly who she is married to.  What did you expect?  If he cheated on his wife what made you think he wouldn't cheat on you.  It sounds like he doesn't give 2 cents what you say he's already moved on to this OW.  Why was she at his house the day before her divorce?  It's obvious, to be with her man.  He's probably told her they'll be together after she divorced.   Doesn't sound like you and MM had much of a relationship if you were his mistress for 3 years with no sex.  I can guarantee he's having sex with his new OW.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I Never expected another co-worker. A woman of his own age, especially one with 3 kids.

Why would you think that?  He has more in common with a woman closer to his age and that she looks like his wife means he has a type.  Co-workers are usually who people cheat with because they spend so much time together.

[BaileyB]

If you did tell his wife, I could hear the denial now… “I didn’t have sex with that woman. I don’t know what she is talking about - she is delusional. This was nothing -“

You gambled and you lost. Best to walk away and soothe your wounded pride privately. 
 

Edited July 7 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/7/2025 at 4:14 AM, Anonymous said:

I really don't want to hurt him

He doesn't care enough about you to be hurt by you, to be very honest. It's pretty clear he is not emotionally invested in you. 

On 7/7/2025 at 4:14 AM, Anonymous said:

I Never expected another co-worker.

Why not? 

[Will am I]

I hate to be insensitive, but the summary of this sad story is that a cheater is a cheater. 

I remember so well how Dr. Phil used to say it: "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you".

 

A more supportive way to put it is this:

Infidelity is a trait of a person. It may me triggered by circumstances and opportunities, but ultimately it has very little to do with the people around the person.

 

You shouldn't blame yourself for "your" MM abandoning you for the next affair partner. Just like MM's wife shouln't be blaming herself for her husband cheating on het when he got involved with you. This guy has some unresolved issues that are leading him to this behaviour and it's only when he's willing to do the hard work and change  who he is, that he'll be able to be a reliable partner.