I need time alone but boyfriend isn't having it

[confusedandazed]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years, lived together for 1.5. I do love him very much, but there are some issues surrounding his expectations of me. 

So I have always been a gal who loves the beach. I lived on the east coast most of my life before moving to Washington with him. He is not that crazy about the beach, but I love it. Prior to us moving in together, I frequented the beach alot, often alone. I don't have many friends.  I like to walk along the coast, read a book, get a little tan, etc. Recently, I took 2 days off work to drive to the closest beach (which happens to be in Oregon.) It is roughly a 4 hour drive one-way, so I booked a cheap motel to stay overnight in. When I initially told him about it, he seemed upset but didn't say too much. While I was there, he barely responded to my texts and was very short with me. I started to really miss him and told him that I wished he was there. He then proceeded to say I didn't even discuss my beach trip with him and "just went." I ended up coming home early because I sensed he was pretty upset about my little solo "vacation." I was right.....when I got home, he was very aloof acting and brought up issues from the past and claimed that "I like to be alone" and that if I liked being alone so much I should just be single, etc. etc. He also complained about my Fridays off from work (I work 12 hour days Mon-Thurs and have Fridays off) and told me I need to change it. All of a sudden it seemed like he was ready to break off the relationship because it just seems like I'm not able to "be in a relationship." He also said "...and you just go off on Friday and do your own thing.."  like it was suddenly a big issue. On Fridays I typically go for short day hikes in the area or shopping at local outlet stores. My therapist has continually encouraged me to solo-hike to help w/ my anxiety issues....and it has. I asked him to go day hiking with me several months ago but he said that I choose "cheap, touristy trails" and that the REAL trails are 12+ miles long and take at least 2 days to complete. He basically said he wasn't interested in those types of "cheap thrill" trails and when I expressed my disappointment he said "sometimes I feel like you are dumbing me down." This really hurt my feelings at the time, but I brushed it aside. I am really frustrated. Now, I feel like he doesn't want me to do much on my own or take a day off and do something by myself.  He wants me to talk to my boss and change my schedule so that I work Fridays, claiming that "its a more balanced schedule". I told him I would, in September but he wants me to do it before then. ::sigh:: What is really going on here...what should I do? 

Also, this man sold his car before we moved here and has no interest in buying another one. He has a good job and can afford it but doesn't think its necessary living in a big city. BUT everytime we want to do something outside of the city (hiking, etc) we use my car. He has mentioned he would be willing to rent a car from time to time for activities but seems to be comfortable using mine. He also thinks I should sell my corolla (which runs fine) and get a newer vehicle and that my vehicle is "old" and its just better to keep leasing new vehicles so that you always are driving a new car. I don't know why but I am getting a little bit of "moochy" vibes. Am I being selfish? He says I have a self-centered personality....so maybe. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! 

[basil67]

I feel like there are some compatibility issues going on here, and lack of consideration of the other from both sides.   And he has too many opinions which he expresses rudely

1 hour ago, confusedandazed said:

Recently, I took 2 days off work to drive to the closest beach (which happens to be in Oregon.) It is roughly a 4 hour drive one-way, so I booked a cheap motel to stay overnight in. When I initially told him about it, he seemed upset but didn't say too much. While I was there, he barely responded to my texts and was very short with me. I started to really miss him and told him that I wished he was there. He then proceeded to say I didn't even discuss my beach trip with him and "just went." I ended up coming home early because I sensed he was pretty upset about my little solo "vacation." I was right.....when I got home, he was very aloof acting and brought up issues from the past and claimed that "I like to be alone" and that if I liked being alone so much I should just be single, etc. etc. 

I fully agree with your boyfriend.  I'd be thinking exactly the same thing if my partner booked a weekend away without even asking me if I want to come.   Though while part of me wonders if you're better suited to being single, the other part of me wonders if you would have invited a really great boyfriend to come with you.   Do you actually want to be alone, or do you want space from your boyfriend?

1 hour ago, confusedandazed said:

On Fridays I typically go for short day hikes in the area or shopping at local outlet stores. My therapist has continually encouraged me to solo-hike to help w/ my anxiety issues....and it has. I asked him to go day hiking with me several months ago but he said that I choose "cheap, touristy trails" and that the REAL trails are 12+ miles long and take at least 2 days to complete. He basically said he wasn't interested in those types of "cheap thrill" trails and when I expressed my disappointment he said "sometimes I feel like you are dumbing me down."

He was very rude about the trails you choose.   He could have simply said "thanks, but I'd prefer a longer trail. You go and have fun".  

1 hour ago, confusedandazed said:

Also, this man sold his car before we moved here and has no interest in buying another one. He has a good job and can afford it but doesn't think its necessary living in a big city. BUT everytime we want to do something outside of the city (hiking, etc) we use my car. He has mentioned he would be willing to rent a car from time to time for activities but seems to be comfortable using mine. He also thinks I should sell my corolla (which runs fine) and get a newer vehicle and that my vehicle is "old" and its just better to keep leasing new vehicles so that you always are driving a new car. I don't know why but I am getting a little bit of "moochy" vibes. Am I being selfish? He says I have a self-centered personality....so maybe. 

You spoke about the car issue previously and I responded.  But to reiterate, due to having good location and public transport options, my partner and I shared one car for about 30 years without issue.   If you share costs of petrol, servicing and insurance, I can't see that this is 'mooching'.   Of course, if he doesn't like your car, you need to shut down his complaints.  "I am happy with my car. If you don't like it, go buy your own damn car".   

Edited July 3 by basil67

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, confusedandazed said:

He also thinks I should sell my corolla (which runs fine) and get a newer vehicle and that my vehicle is "old" and its just better to keep leasing new vehicles so that you always are driving a new car.

He is welcome to lease the car of his choice - he does not get to have an opinion about the car you purchase, pay for, and drive. 

[Gebidozo]

Your boyfriend is being selfish, rude, immature, and controlling.

You two are living together and you have a full time job. It’s completely normal that sometimes you want some rest, a little vacation, some time alone. The way he tells you what to do and what not to do is outrageous, he acts as though he owns you.

He isn’t your lord and your master and he should learn to stop acting like one. Clearly, his controlling tendencies are pushing you away from him.

[MsJayne]

On 7/4/2025 at 6:39 AM, confusedandazed said:

Am I being selfish? 

No, you're  not being selfish. You've invited him to join you in activities and he responded by insulting you.

 

On 7/4/2025 at 6:39 AM, confusedandazed said:

I don't know why but I am getting a little bit of "moochy" vibes.

I know why. It's because he is a bit of a moocher. I hope he at least chips in for fuel, and your insurance and other vehicle maintenance costs, but I suspect he doesn't. 

 

On 7/4/2025 at 6:39 AM, confusedandazed said:

he said "sometimes I feel like you are dumbing me down."

No you're not. No one needs to dumb him down, he's already dumbed down. 

You guys are incompatible, you're smarter than him, and you have different interests. He's controlling, that's why he got so huffy about you taking a mini-break without him, (and why would you try to include him when he doesn't like hanging out at the beach?). I'd put $50 on you actually being out of his league and deep down he knows it so he's slowly trying to bring you down to his  level.

 

[Sanch62]

The only thing I'd agree with your BF about is having a live-in partner schedule a solo trip without having let me know those intentions. I'd also view it as contrived to say "I miss you" while on such a trip.

But this guy sounds like an overly-critical parent rather than your equal partner. You've earned your Fridays off and your car. Frankly, the way this BF speaks to you would have landed him in my rearview mirror a long time ago.

[ShyViolet]

There are a lot of red flags here that say CONTROLLING.  I wouldn't let a man think he can control me like this and throw a little moody tantrum when I don't do what he wants.  I would never tolerate that..... I'd be breaking up with him.  And you should really think long and hard about whether this relationship is healthy.

[Acacia98]

OP, you're not particularly compatible, and your guy sounds like the type of person who'll never really get you. As long as you're together, you'll feel inclined to apologize for every single thing you do and to make yourself small to make him more comfortable. And you'll just get more and more miserable as time goes by.

I understand your need to sometimes be alone and do your own thing. And I can see how that could make some guys feel insecure and unwanted. So you need to make sure you date a guy who understands that and is okay with it.

[Els]

On 7/4/2025 at 6:39 AM, confusedandazed said:

He wants me to talk to my boss and change my schedule so that I work Fridays, claiming that "its a more balanced schedule". I told him I would, in September but he wants me to do it before then.

I was going to respond to the rest of your post, but honestly it doesn't matter. This... this is INSANE. Seriously who even does this?!

It's one thing if there was a situation like him being off on Thursdays and asking you nicely if you would consider changing your schedule so you could do stuff together on Thursday or such. Another thing entirely for him to have the gall to think that he can dictate when you work just because HE thinks "it's more balanced".

And you actually agreed?!?! Is this the first time you've caved to a crazy "command" like this? Because it sounds like this dude is very much used to getting his way, like a spoiled 5 year old.

He always has something negative to say about everything, doesn't he? He judges your personality, your hikes, your work days, your car. Jesus, what an incredible douche. Why are you even still with him?

And FWIW, I personally always invite my husband on trips, and I'd only go solo if he couldn't or didn't want to come. But if I was stuck in a relationship with THIS guy, for whatever reason? Yeah, I'd do things alone as often as I could, too.

Edited Sunday at 05:11 PM by Els

[Sanch62]

12 minutes ago, Els said:

He always has something negative to say about everything, doesn't he? He judges your personality, your hikes, your work days, your car. Jesus, what an incredible douche. Why are you even still with him?

My thoughts exactly. Are you young enough to have not considered the ramifications of spending your best bio-clock years on someone who tries to control you this way? If you don't plan on having children, that's a choice limited to your own future, but is his brand of arbitrary entitlement to badmouth your personal preferences the way you'll want your children to be raised?

Some people are best loved from far away.

[swirlingcloud]

What I see here happening is partly lack of communication, you two getting into the roles of the parent (him) and the "child rebel" (you). So partly the lack of the right communication skill. The other is the rejection of your interests and you finding a way to ease up, tool against your anxiety (I know anxiety, sigh). Had it been a healthy relationship right now it would mean he would support, not see your interests as a threat or rejecting it to the point he does. It is important you guard your ways to deal with your anxiety, but important as well that he understands, support you in ways of doing so. 

I am hopeful it can work out if he too look into his own thoughts, ways to communicate and keeping healthy boundaries. You need to work with it together. 

I do find it that you both at this time run things apart instead of working as a team. I think deep down he is afraid. He tries to get rid of this fear by having more control over your life and in the process he steps over boundaries. He may not recognize it as fear himself  and instead it is expressed the way it is.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/3/2025 at 10:39 PM, confusedandazed said:

He then proceeded to say I didn't even discuss my beach trip with him and "just went."

Is he right?