Looking for Objective Point of View, Domestic Situation

[Anonymous]

I went through a situation and my reaction was said to be wrong by my partner. I won't say what my reaction was, but I want to ask others what their reaction would be to see if they would do what I had done. Later on I can say what I did if people are interested. 

Here's what happened

• Had a miscommunication. She called me and I assumed she was changing plans again so I gave her an attitude.
• She started yelling at me, then called me back and screamed at me to the point where the speaker was distorted.
• I told her I didn't like being yelled at, hung up, we didn't talk for about 1 1/2 days.
• On first talk days later, I said something to her I thought was innocent, she didn't think it was apparently, she left the house
• We have 3 year old twins and I had to work, she wasn't working at the time
• I called work and took the morning off, took the twins to the park, I didn't know when she was coming back
• 1 hour later I get texts asking where the kids were, I didn't answer right away cause I wasn't interested in a fight
• About 30 minutes later I'm getting pictures of our police department from her and she's saying she's going to reach out to my boss to find out where I am
• About 30 minutes later, I text her where I am, saying I'll be home soon.
• Since I don't know if she'll be home, I call my Mom to come watch the kids so I can work in the afternoon
• My Mother, her and I converge on our home when I arrive
• She wants to take the kids and put them in her car, I asked her to come inside first. I didn't want her driving in her state with the kids
• She begins to fight with me outside, I kept hold of the kids and tried to get them inside
• Once inside I went to work, but came out when I heard something
• I found her taking all of our family photos off the walls, punching them, breaking them and putting them in the garbage
• I started recording her because I was afraid of what she'd do next
• An argument ensued, don't remember how it stopped, or what we argued about exactly, obviously from my point about her behavior
• Fast forward an hour or so, she had picked up her 15 year old biological daughter from school so the twins, her daughter, my Mom and she is there
• She's bashing me to anyone who will hear, I'm trying to still work and leave her be as best I can
• I pleaded with her to stop, her daughter was a mess, the twins were crying, my Mother seemed afraid
• At some point she comes into my office to destroy the mandolin she got me for my birthday
• She pushed me into a bookshelf, the only pictures left fell off the shelf on top of me, I was unhurt though
• She left the room, her daughter came out hearing everything and got her in a bear hug to hold her back
• Fast forward after things subsided somewhat
• She's talking with her daughter about me, facing her, I came out of my office to ask her to stop
• She bends over, moons me, pulls out her tampon and throws it at me (or so I believe, I closed my door)
• Fast forward to later she's playing YouTube shorts on a loop about how to be a man loudly in front of everyone
• I started recording her again because I sensed she was going to do something
• She started to undress and accused me of recording her naked
• She called the police station asking about whether or not it was illegal for me to film her naked

Ok, so in this situation, what would you do?

[Acacia98]

Sounds like a mental health issue to me. I would probably seek the help of mental health professionals if that was an option in my context.

[Anonymous]

Would your opinion change if she said I yelled at her at times throughout or said choice words to her? (that's her claim as to why she took the actions she took) or are her actions the determining factor for you by themselves?

(btw, not that I disagree with Acacia98's response, but I would love to hear other's opinions, if they concur or have alternative viewpoints)

[Gebidozo]

She clearly has severe mental issues and needs therapy. Her behavior is abusive.

 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Had a miscommunication. She called me and I assumed she was changing plans again so I gave her an attitude.

It's clearly obvious that she has anger or mental health issues.  I would leave a partner who did this. 

But I find it telling that you didn't write what the 'miscommunication' was, why you 'assumed' and what 'giving her an attitude' consisted of.   Would I be right in suspecting you weren't a prince?    And I"m also wondering why you're not sharing what you did in response

Edited Thursday at 11:59 PM by basil67

[Alpacalia]

This relationship is beyond repair. You both contributed to the dysfunction (your initial attitude, her extreme reactions), but her actions (violence, humiliation tactics, endangering the kids) cross into abuse.

[Anonymous]

I didn't explain to be simple  @basil67 

She was at an event so I agreed to pick up our daughter from work.

She called me about 3-4 different times to change plans - I'll pick her up, you pick her up, I'll pick her up...this happens a lot which eventually ends with me saying look, I'll handle it, let's not talk about this again.

When she called again, as I was rushing out the door, I immediately snapped at her saying something like "don't you dare tell me you're changing the plans again. I'm busting my ass here trying to make this happen". I certainly had an attitude and a tone in my voice I'm sure. 

It turns out she was calling to talk to me about a completely different topic so I was way off and wrong to assume. I didn't get the chance to say I was sorry cause she just hammered me immediately.

Surely I'm not perfect. In the process of her doing what I cited, I certainly had my mouth going at times - "what's wrong with you?" or "you're F'in crazy' or 'you're being stupid this is nuts' or the like. I might have even replied with things like "sure" or "yeah that's true" or "aren't you talking about you?" as she was saying she insanely insulting, personal and horrific things. 

I could have acted better in response to her at times, but I think I was tame compared. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Anonymous said:

When she called again, as I was rushing out the door, I immediately snapped at her saying something like "don't you dare tell me you're changing the plans again. I'm busting my ass here trying to make this happen". I certainly had an attitude and a tone in my voice I'm sure. 

Unfortunately, even the best of us can lose our temper when faced with someone who's frustrating.  Or even unhinged.    But if the person we are with drives us nuts, the best option we have is to end the relationship  

[Anonymous]

I spoke with her today and convinced her to go to a psychiatrist together as a couple. She didn't do it because she believes she has an issue. She did it because she believes I do. IMO, completely not realistic and proper projection on her part. 

Either way, I will tough it out to see if they will diagnose her with something. If she does have some sort of mental disorder, which I personally believe, and she can get help, maybe there's a way to move forward. 

After all, we have been together 10 years and we have children together.

Probably I'm being an idiot and should run for the hills. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I spoke with her today and convinced her to go to a psychiatrist together as a couple. She didn't do it because she believes she has an issue. She did it because she believes I do. IMO, completely not realistic and proper projection on her part. 

Either way, I will tough it out to see if they will diagnose her with something. If she does have some sort of mental disorder, which I personally believe, and she can get help, maybe there's a way to move forward. 

After all, we have been together 10 years and we have children together.

Probably I'm being an idiot and should run for the hills. 

This idea is beyond foolish.

If someone wants a diagnosis, they choose go to a psychiatrist and ask for help in explaining their own behaviour.   What you're proposing is to go with her and tell the psychiatrist all the things which you see and want them to diagnose her based on that.  You're basically railroading her.  This whole proposal is highly unethical, and will be an expensive waste of time because the psychiatrist will not engage in this nonsense.  

Find a marriage counsellor to help you sort this out.  If, after marriage counselling is done she decides to see a shrink on her own, this is when it will be the right time

Edited Friday at 10:44 PM by basil67

[MsJayne]

Does she behave like this towards other people or just you? Most people don't become hysterical and behave irrationally for no reason unless they have a long history of severe mental disturbance. If she had severe mental disturbance she wouldn't be able to parent any of her children, hold down a job, have a social life, etc, and she would most likely have already been the subject of psychiatric assessment. Is she a drug user or an alcoholic, or is there any other cognitive reason why she might suddenly lose touch with reality?  You seem to be painting yourself as the long-suffering, hard-done-by party, but if that's the case why have you been her partner for ten years? Don't use children as the reason. I think there's more going on here than you're letting on. Start with a relationship counsellor, if they think your partner needs psychiatric assessment let the counsellor handle the referral. 

Edited Saturday at 03:28 AM by MsJayne

[Sanch62]

I would contact an attorney to learn my wisest and fastest options to get myself and my children safely away from this woman. I'd gather detailed steps for each option, and I'd consider decisions based on real information rather than operating on emotions alone.

[Anonymous]

On 7/4/2025 at 6:43 PM, basil67 said:

This idea is beyond foolish.

Yeah you're probably right, but I wasn't planning on railroading her or making any suggestions to anyone about what I think. When I go to doctor's of any kind I do it without leading them so they can make a diagnosis themselves. I was just thinking an MD will likely be able to spot issues and then prescribe meds as needed. It seems efficient.

She does go to a therapist now, finally, but I am very weary about some therapists. Too many of them do not challenge patients so they return to therapy next week and I have found social worker varieties to be very poor.

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Does she behave like this towards other people or just you?

Sometimes with the older kids she snaps, but I'm not around her with others a lot. I find she's very aware of the way she looks to people so she's very friendly. It's different than being in a relationship, ya know?

Example: Today our 17 year old daughter said "I'm going to be late" suggest we wouldn't get home in time from where we are. She flipped, started yelling at her left our parked car. I tried to talk to her, but she walked away saying she needed time to herself. I think this was an over-reaction.

Later in her defense I told her she was harsh and she gave a simple apology.

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Is she a drug user or an alcoholic

No, not that I know of. 

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

for no reason unless they have a long history of severe mental disturbance

Not sure it has to be severe. She could have undiagnosed postpartum. Many people go under the radar and function well with issues, but then when any stress is applied it triggers. She doesn't seem to handle stress well at all.

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You seem to be painting yourself as the long-suffering, hard-done-by party, but if that's the case why have you been her partner for ten years?

It got worse 4 years ago, but there were signs before , less severe, and I didn't notice. 

Keep in mind I'm a very loyal person who doesn't give up easy. 

I'm not sure why the kids wouldn't be a valid reason. Immediately I will see them 50% less if I'm lucky and I expect it will be painful. 

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I think there's more going on here than you're letting on. Start with a relationship counsellor

That's always true. I can't say everything in a forum post. I'm not perfect. I have lots of flaws, but I'm generally reasonable and a caring person. 

We saw counsellors. 
1. Older man who eventually had health issues so we had to stop using him. 
2. A middle aged woman who didn't blink an eye about her behavior - this baffled me. I'm not gifted with great emotional expression and the therapist didn't really know how to draw things out of me. Also, it seemed she was always 'asking her superior' about our situation. I eventually called it quits.
3. Our pastor. He was great, but progress was slow and after a couple of situations happened I told her I wanted to end the relationship so we stopped. Then I changed my mind based on certain conditions. Maybe this was a mistake.

As I said she's agreed to talk with a psychiatrist, and also our pastor again.

I go to therapy, and have been for 2 years with the counsellor I'm with. I went for many years before, but my therapist went out of network and it was took expensive. She has been going to someone for about 1 year.

17 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I would contact an attorney to learn my wisest and fastest options to get myself and my children safely away

This may be sound advice and I'm dragging this on. I unfortunately want to believe we can fix this. A couple of my friends keep telling me it's time to move on.

(Thank you all very much for your responses. I appreciate them all)

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

eah you're probably right, but I wasn't planning on railroading her or making any suggestions to anyone about what I think. When I go to doctor's of any kind I do it without leading them so they can make a diagnosis themselves. I was just thinking an MD will likely be able to spot issues and then prescribe meds as needed. It seems efficient.

I'm glad you're not planning on telling the psychiatrist what she says/does.  But in this case, why are you there at all?    If she wants to address this, she needs to take personal responsibility

[Anonymous]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If she wants to address this, she needs to take personal responsibility

I'm not saying I wouldn't say what she does. I'm saying I wouldn't go in there guns blazing dumping all of that for the purposes of a diagnosis.

I would be patient and allow the psychiatrist to ask questions so it unravels naturally. 

Otherwise it would make her feel attacked and it wouldn't be productive.

You are right though. Personal responsibility is huge. I believe accountability and forgiveness are the main parts of a relationship. This is an area that she fails at and I shouldn't expect her to take responsibility all of a sudden. I was hoping to talk to someone who challenges us both, and doesn't allow for sidestepping.

 

[MsJayne]

Yes, you're right about it being hard to find competent mental health support. Many counsellors and psychologists do a lot of talking and not enough listening, misdiagnosis is common and hence misapplied therapies, and a lot depends on finding the professional who has the knowledge to deal with a client's specific problem area, eg: one psychologist may be an expert in eating disorders but know nothing about autism, whereas another might know all about autism but not be trained to recognise other issues. The woman you mentioned who kept consulting her superior would have been under supervision because it's mandatory for a mental health professional to do this when dealing with unfamiliar issues, especially if they're in their practical training period. Maybe ask your GP for a direct referral to a psychiatrist, explaining that there's been no significant change in your wife's behaviour under cognitive therapy, and perhaps they should be referring her for brain scans because sometimes explosive rage and other aggressive and inappropriate behaviours can have a biological cause such as a tumor or aneurysm. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I'm not saying I wouldn't say what she does. I'm saying I wouldn't go in there guns blazing dumping all of that for the purposes of a diagnosis.    I would be patient and allow the psychiatrist to ask questions so it unravels naturally. 

If she's not ready to walk in and describe how her behaviour gets out of control, then it means she's not ready.  If the only alternative is you reporting her behaviour and having her receive treatment, then you're talking about a having her committed to a psychiatric facility.  

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

 I was hoping to talk to someone who challenges us both, and doesn't allow for sidestepping.

There is no one person who can do this all.   The psychiatrist will diagnose and medicate.   They may also recommend individual therapy for her, and also marriage counselling.  You have no place in her psychiatrist appointment

 

Edited yesterday at 11:53 AM by basil67

[Sanch62]

16 hours ago, Anonymous said:

This may be sound advice and I'm dragging this on. I unfortunately want to believe we can fix this. A couple of my friends keep telling me it's time to move on.

Getting legal advice doesn't preclude you from continuing work toward resolving not only your relationship, but your partner's relationship with the children. It can teach you ways a legal separation can give you a neutral platform for this, even while pursuing a case for you (and possibly with the help of your mother) to retain full custody while your partner has supervised visitation during recommended treatment for her psychotic-like behavior.

The goal isn't just to liberate yourself from wife's instability, it's to protect your children.

A woman who melts down, exposes herself, and throws a tampon is not exactly trustworthy 'mom' material. Whether that's postpartum or schizophrenia or anything else isn't for lay people to determine--but it's your responsibility as an invested parent to consider as a dealbreaker in terms of leaving your children alone with her.

Compartmentalize the difference between your investment in your partnership versus the protection of all children involved. These can be worked on concurrently, but that needs to happen from the safety of removing these kids from any further uncontrolled exposure to this woman while she remains untreated for dangerous behavior.

[Anonymous]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe ask your GP for a direct referral to a psychiatrist, explaining that there's been no significant change in your wife's behaviour under cognitive therapy

Thanks. Sound advise. It would of course be easier if she was more receptive to the idea. I mean if she does have a physical issue, it of course isn't her fault. She treats it as admitting fault so she wouldn't want to do any of that.

A week or two ago she told he after the pregnancy she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Then 2 days later she said it wasn't true. She wanted to see what my reaction was. What a horrible lie.

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The woman you mentioned who kept consulting her superior would have been under supervision because it's mandatory

Yeah that's the situation my personal therapist has, but he seems to know what he's doing and doesn't tell me he has to run things buy his supervisor - even if he does.

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

If she's not ready to walk in and describe how her behaviour gets out of control, then it means she's not ready.

You're right. This is the issue. She acts like everything I do is my fault and anything she does is my fault. She says her behavior listed in my initial post was due to me 'torturing her' for 2 days - I was simply not speaking with her. I could be waiting forever for her to come around. 

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

There is no one person who can do this all.   The psychiatrist will diagnose and medicate.   They may also recommend individual therapy for her, and also marriage counselling.  You have no place in her psychiatrist appointment

Ok thanks for that. I see some psychiatrists do couples and family counselling so I was thinking that might be good as they can do it all. 

11 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Getting legal advice doesn't preclude you from continuing work toward resolving not only your relationship,

Solid advice. Thanks.

11 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

but it's your responsibility as an invested parent to consider as a dealbreaker in terms of leaving your children alone with her.

I am worried that I won't be able to 'prove' there is an issue. While there is some change towards support for Fathers, the courts are still very Mother friendly.