My husband and I said we hated one another, and wanted a divorce tonight

[Kitty74]

My husband and I met in 2006 and married in 2018, and I always believed we could get through anything together. Well now I'm not so sure, because  I am at a loss for words and feeling like complete s*** (for my part in this) because of some stupid  words that were exchanged between us.  I'm honestly wondering where we stand in this marriage.  As of right now, Im hurt for the things we said, confused and heartbroken because tonight, he told me he hated me, and wants a divorce, which in turn caused me to say the same to him. A lot of this stems from resentment towards him because unfortunately, I have gotten used to being alone, and being ok with it--NOT COOL!! I am reluctantly enabling, and accepting the fact that he has become emotionally neglectful (towards only me it seems) and frankly, I'm efin' sick of it!!  (I guess I'm "Just too clingy")  All I want is for him to make me feel loved like he used to when we first met (Totally cliche and unreal, I know). It was SO awesome in the beginning (isn't it always?...lol) We couldn't go anywhere or do anything separately without missing each other horribly--He calls that an "unhealthy" stage of our relationship REALLY?  I would say that the way things are NOW between us is unhealthy ! I'm beginning to believe that he actually DOES hate me, which would tear my heart to shreds, but then again,  I have a tendency to overthink things and these end up putting these stupid thoughts in my head like "I deserve it, because I don't contribute towards the bills, or I don't cook and clean as often as I can".  In hindsight, I can't help but think that a lot of those thoughts are unfortunately true.    A lot of these arguments stem from us drinking together, and l I just want to state that I am NOT justifying getting wasted together by all means!  We normally have great times together,  however, there are those few times when one of us drinks too much, and says something that triggers anger and resentment in one of us, which then turns a simple, argument into a full blown, pissing contest, and emotionally abusive fight! (It's never physical, Thank God) Anyway, as fuc$#d up as it sounds I truly love this man with all my heart and soul!!  My heart is telling me to work our marriage out, and stay. But my head is saying.."REALLY?!" GTFO!!!    I am so confused and really don't know what to do at this point. I want our happy relationship back

Edited Tuesday at 06:22 AM by Kitty74

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  At this point, if you want to keep your marriage, you'll have to go to him and say that you don't want to walk away, and want to talk about ways to treat each other better.   For starters, alcohol needs to be addressed.  And of this fight last night, who was drinking and who said what?   His words were horrendous, but what triggered them?

Have the two of you done marriage counselling?   Do you have children?

[MsJayne]

43 minutes ago, Kitty74 said:

I have gotten used to being alone, and being ok with it--NOT COOL!! I am reluctantly enabling, and accepting the fact that he has become emotionally neglectful (towards only me it seems) and frankly, I'm efin' sick of it!!  (I guess I'm "Just too clingy") 

Why are you alone? Why do you say he's emotionally neglectful, but only to you? Resenting being neglected doesn't mean you're clingy, it means he's self-centered. You're going to have to put your big girl pants on and confront him about his statements, ask him if he really wants a divorce and make sure you're both sober when you ask. If he says yes, the very next day you need to get yourself to a family law expert for advice, and if he says no, some relationship counselling may help both of you learn to communicate without being spiteful. 

[Kitty74]

No Thank God we don't have kids.  Ok, here is the thing, in the 20 years I have known him, he was always very immature, and I thought it was cute when we met, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he is 6 years younger than me.   Anyway, I found out later in our relationship that I was basically his first "real" girlfriend. He dated 2 other girls and both of  those relationships lasted 2 weeks or less.   Ok, so now on to my point...LOL.

Because of his immaturity with relationships, he was never told by either of his parents how to treat, or how to have a meaningful conversation with a women, so.....yeah 

Believe me I have tried to have conversations with him, and no matter what approach I take with him, he IMMEDIATELY gets defensive; especially if the conversation is about things that are bothering me.   There is NO talking with him, because he is a fuc#ing child!!  He has joined me to a couple of my personal sessions with my therapist, and even then, he will NOT take any responsibility for his actions.     The whole thing started when I wanted to run up to my work to by some stuff I had on hold from the night before.   I helped him out a couple of nights ago and he agreed to pay me $100 for my help.  Anyway, I ended up spending all of it.  Now mind you, I bought my dad a pair of jeans for Father's Day that he wanted, and bought my husband a few things I thought he would like.  I bought ONE thing for me which was a $17.00 keychain.   When I got home he was next door getting drunk and smoking with my neighbor, and came home and started getting all pissy with me about spending ALL of the money he gave me.. REALLY!?.   I went to give him the stuff I bought him and he said "I don't need or want that bullshit"!  " I told you not to go crazy, you need to start helping me with the bills not buying a bunch of bullshit"!!!   He then left and went back next door. When he came back, I was being b****y towards him because I was so hurt!  He's like "Whatever, your fuc#ing psycho"! Then walks away and goes downstairs, where he continued to yell stuff to me which I didn't hear(Thank God). Then he comes upstairs and proceeds to talk s*** about my dad, and I went efin' ballistic!! I left and was going to go and crash at my friends but I was shaking and freaking out so bad I could barely drive( I'm sure the wine buzz I had didn't help either). I was on the freeway when all this was happening!! Anyway, I get home, and sat  in my car where I typed out this post. I seriously was going to sleep in the car but it was way too hot. So I come in and his stupid ass was passed out on the couch....I kicked him off the couch and made him go in the bedroom.  I can't even stand to look at him right now.  I apologize for such a a long "Book" but I wanted you to know the reasoning behind Everything.   It's funny how you said" to "Talk to him about the drinking". HELL NO!! Wine is what's makes this bullshit a little easier, at least until the morning.  God please get me through this

 

[Els]

22 hours ago, Kitty74 said:

 I helped him out a couple of nights ago and he agreed to pay me $100 for my help. 

Huh? I'm just trying to wrap my head around this... do you feel like it's healthy/normal for your husband to be "paying you for help", or for you to be in a situation where you feel like you need to ask him to "pay you $100"?

22 hours ago, Kitty74 said:

  Now mind you, I bought my dad a pair of jeans for Father's Day that he wanted, and bought my husband a few things I thought he would like.  I bought ONE thing for me which was a $17.00 keychain.   When I got home he was next door getting drunk and smoking with my neighbor, and came home and started getting all pissy with me about spending ALL of the money he gave me.. REALLY!?.   I went to give him the stuff I bought him and he said "I don't need or want that bullshit"!  " I told you not to go crazy, you need to start helping me with the bills not buying a bunch of bullshit"

Is it true that you are both struggling with bills, and yet you immediately spent $100 on a bunch of luxuries? How exactly do you both handle your finances? If you're working and not "helping" with any bills, how does that work?

22 hours ago, Kitty74 said:

  He's like "Whatever, your fuc#ing psycho"! Then walks away and goes downstairs, where he continued to yell stuff to me which I didn't hear(Thank God). Then he comes upstairs and proceeds to talk s*** about my dad, and I went efin' ballistic!! I left and was going to go and crash at my friends but I was shaking and freaking out so bad I could barely drive( I'm sure the wine buzz I had didn't help either). I was on the freeway when all this was happening!!

He yelled names at you? You drove drunk?!?!?

Both of you are in serious need of some growing up here.

Quote

A lot of these arguments stem from us drinking together, and l I just want to state that I am NOT justifying getting wasted together by all means!  We normally have great times together,  however, there are those few times when one of us drinks too much, and says something that triggers anger and resentment in one of us, which then turns a simple, argument into a full blown, pissing contest, and emotionally abusive fight!

You also both sound like you need an intervention for alcoholism, and individual therapy to learn to manage your emotions.

Honestly it sounds like separating isn't a bad idea at all. You're both behaving in incredibly toxic ways, and you both just egg each other on into more and more unhealthy behaviour.

Good luck.

[MsJayne]

It sounds like separation might be a very good idea, for him. I can see why he gets angry at you for spending money on gifts, etc, when there are bills to be paid. Bills come first. I reiterate Els question, why is he paying you to help him with something if he's the breadwinner and is covering you for lifestyle expenses? Helping your partner with something is not a paying job, it's something you do because you love them. 

On 7/1/2025 at 4:09 PM, Kitty74 said:

I don't contribute towards the bills, or I don't cook and clean as often as I can

If this is true I think maybe I see the cause of his anger right there. You need to start contributing, especially being as you don't have children, you literally have nothing stopping you from working full-time and sharing financial responsibilities, (unless you're disabled in some way). It's interesting that you present your gift-buying as if you're performing some sort of charitable act when in fact it's just irresponsible. You say he's immature, but you don't sound very grown up yourself. Is it really that surprising that he gets angry when you try to tell him something he's done or said is bothering you? You sound  more like a liability than a wife, and he sounds like he's had a gutful of carrying you. It's not the 1950's any more, women don't have to stay at home baking cookies and plumping the cushions, and expecting a partner to pay your way in life is so far out of line I'm surprised he's put up with 20 years of it. 

[Kitty74]

26 minutes ago, Els said:

Huh? I'm just trying to wrap my head around this... do you feel like it's healthy/normal for your husband to be "paying you for help", or for you to be in a situation where you feel like you need to ask him to "pay you $100"?

Is it true that you are both struggling with bills, and yet you immediately spent $100 on a bunch of luxuries? How exactly do you both handle your finances? If you're working and not "helping" with any bills, how does that work?

He yelled names at you? You drove drunk?!?!?

Both of you are in serious need of some growing up here.

You also both sound like you need an intervention for alcoholism, and individual therapy to learn to manage your emotions.

Honestly it sounds like separating isn't a bad idea at all. You're both behaving in incredibly toxic ways, and you both just egg each other on into more and more unhealthy behaviour.

Good luck.

Els,   I appreciate your input, so thank you for that. 

First of all, when I stated that my husband paid me fory help, it isn't unhealthy for me, because he has a work at home business, and I work part-time in retail.  Well I needed some money, and he told me if I help out that he would give me some extra money for myself. So, no I don't think that's unhealthy.  

Second of all,  I didn't spend the money on  "luxeries" I bout him a couple things he could use, and a new pair of jeans for my dad that I meant to give him on Father's Day, but forgot to buy.  Yes, the keychain, was unneeded.  I really don't pay as much towards the bills as I should, but Ionly make $13 an hour, and a only work 12 hours a week, so it's kind of hard. However, for the past couple of months I HAVE been applying for another job and even had an interview in which I'm still waiting to hear back from.  

Last of all, I NEVER drive drunk/buzzed.  Yesterday was a huge mistake, and is part of why I turned around and went home.  And Yes, I agree that we are in DIRE need of some non- biased intervention with our marriage and with our drinking.  I know it is probably for the best, to separate because we treat each other horribly when we fight, and we both need to grow up, and it may sound crazy, but I don't want to.  I guess I'm a glutton for punishment 

 

[Els]

22 minutes ago, Kitty74 said:

First of all, when I stated that my husband paid me fory help, it isn't unhealthy for me, because he has a work at home business, and I work part-time in retail.  Well I needed some money, and he told me if I help out that he would give me some extra money for myself. So, no I don't think that's unhealthy.  

Why don't you think it's unhealthy?

Generally speaking, couples decide on a budget together, and couples also help one another out without "payment". So if financeswere tight, for instance, you'd both agree together that you each only get to spend $100 a month on non-essential stuff. And you'd also help him out if he needed it without asking for $100! This dynamic feels very parent-child, like he's your father giving you $100 for helping with the house chores. That's unhealthy.

24 minutes ago, Kitty74 said:

Second of all,  I didn't spend the money on  "luxeries" I bout him a couple things he could use, and a new pair of jeans for my dad that I meant to give him on Father's Day, but forgot to buy.  Yes, the keychain, was unneeded.  I really don't pay as much towards the bills as I should, but Ionly make $13 an hour, and a only work 12 hours a week, so it's kind of hard. However, for the past couple of months I HAVE been applying for another job and even had an interview in which I'm still waiting to hear back from.  

Sorry, but I think all of these are luxuries, if there are bills that you are struggling to pay. Him being able to "use" the stuff you bought him doesn't make them "not luxuries". Material gifts for Father's Day are also a luxury, you could just visit your dad and help him out in the house or something, if money is tight. 

So essentially, I can see where your husband is coming from. But that doesn't mean that I support the way that he's expressing it - yelling, name-calling, etc should never be okay.

Do you both have access to free or subsidized counseling (for financial management, and for alcoholism, and for mental health) where you live? 

[Kitty74]

9 hours ago, Els said:

Why don't you think it's unhealthy?

Generally speaking, couples decide on a budget together, and couples also help one another out without "payment". So if financeswere tight, for instance, you'd both agree together that you each only get to spend $100 a month on non-essential stuff. And you'd also help him out if he needed it without asking for $100! This dynamic feels very parent-child, like he's your father giving you $100 for helping with the house chores. That's unhealthy.

Sorry, but I think all of these are luxuries, if there are bills that you are struggling to pay. Him being able to "use" the stuff you bought him doesn't make them "not luxuries". Material gifts for Father's Day are also a luxury, you could just visit your dad and help him out in the house or something, if money is tight. 

So essentially, I can see where your husband is coming from. But that doesn't mean that I support the way that he's expressing it - yelling, name-calling, etc should never be okay.

Do you both have access to free or subsidized counseling (for financial management, and for alcoholism, and for mental health) where you live? 

I  don't know how or why, but I forgot to mention that I have Rheumatoid arthritis, and it makes me severely fatigued, and I have pain in my wrist on my dominant hand, knee, and CONSTANT pain in my left shoulder, which I need replacement surgery on.   So that I why I can't work full time, and why I don't cook and clean like I should, and believe me I wish I could.

[Kitty74]

Just now, Kitty74 said:

I  don't know how or why, but I forgot to mention that I have Rheumatoid arthritis, and it makes me severely fatigued.  I have pain in my wrist on my dominant hand, knee, and CONSTANT pain in my left shoulder, which I need replacement surgery on.   So that I why I can't work full time, and why I don't cook and clean like I should, and believe me I wish I could. 

In addition, yes I like to drink, but it's not like I'm drinking everyday or anything.  I'm trying to get a second part time job to contribute towards the bills so I have to behave myself. Unfortunately, I DO have a shopping addiction, so if I'm going to seek help for anything, that would definitely be it.