Girlfriend Isn't Willing To Talk About Our Issues.

[AnonymousK]

Girlfriend (just turned 29) and I (32) have been together just under 6 months. We get along well in person, have similar interests, goals, and values, and get along with each other's family and friends. Our biggest difference is she's really social and busy with a lot of friends, and I'm more introverted and laid back with my own hobbies, but don't mind going out every now and then. A couple weeks ago we had different stuff going on. I went on a poker run with a group of friends and she had a friend's wedding to go to. That weekend she had a guy she was friends with in college staying at her place, since he lives 3 hours away, which kinda bothered me, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. She knows I have trust issues. The night of the wedding she was texting me how it was going and starting talking about some other guy getting her some job, but wouldn't say what it was, which I wasn't sure how to take. I wasn't sure if she was trying to get me bothered or what, so I told her if she wants to see other guys, just tell me. Later that night she said it got her crying and had to have her dad come get her to take her home. I asked if she wanted to talk it out and she said not tonight, so I told her to let me know when you're ready. The following Tuesday was her birthday which her dad, her and I were going to meet up and have dinner together, but she changed her mind and didn't want me to come. Ever since that night, everything has seemed a bit off. She doesn't seem to wanna talk much anymore, but does stay in touch. I'm wanting to know if she still wants to stay together and settle everything, or if we should just split up, but she's not willing to talk it out. How should I go about this? 

[ShyViolet]

When you've only been dating someone 6 months and it is already falling apart like this, it's time to cut your losses and walk away.  She is acting very immature and doesn't sound like she has the communication skills for an adult relationship. A relationship shouldn't already have this many problems at only 6 months.  This is your sign to call it and not get any further into this.... if it's this bad now it will only get worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, AnonymousK said:

starting talking about some other guy getting her some job, but wouldn't say what it was, which I wasn't sure how to take. I wasn't sure if she was trying to get me bothered or what, so I told her if she wants to see other guys, just tell me.

Wait, what? Why did you assume this was her attempt to rile you up? I don't quite get the leap there. Does she have a history of trying to make you jealous, or do you have a history of over-reacting?

1 hour ago, AnonymousK said:

I'm wanting to know if she still wants to stay together and settle everything,

The only person who can answer that is her. You two definitely have some things to talk about, but if she isn't willing to, then this is probaly over anyway. 

[AnonymousK]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, what? Why did you assume this was her attempt to rile you up? I don't quite get the leap there. Does she have a history of trying to make you jealous, or do you have a history of over-reacting?

The only person who can answer that is her. You two definitely have some things to talk about, but if she isn't willing to, then this is probaly over anyway. 

Every girl I've ever been with seemed to be into playing some stupid bs game, which is what gives me the automatic assumption she may be doing something similar. I may be overreacting, but since I've told her about my trust issues, I kinda think she's trying to rile me up. 

Sounds good. I'm tempted to walk away, and go with my next option, but something tells me she'll try to keep me hanging. 

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

Every girl I've ever been with seemed to be into playing some stupid bs game, which is what gives me the automatic assumption she may be doing something similar. I may be overreacting, but since I've told her about my trust issues, I kinda think she's trying to rile me up. 

It's not fair to project these problems onto your girlfriend if she has otherwise proved herself trsutworthy. You essentially called her character into question, and I am not sure you see how insulting that probably was to her. 

23 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

I'm tempted to walk away, and go with my next option

Your mentality is very strange here. Go with your next option? Dude, come on. Put those dukes down. 

If you can't work through your own issues without painting your girlfriend with the same brush as your exes, then no, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean she is the problem.  

You have as much a part in this mess as she does. 

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

Every girl I've ever been with seemed to be into playing some stupid bs game, which is what gives me the automatic assumption she may be doing something similar. I may be overreacting, but since I've told her about my trust issues, I kinda think she's trying to rile me up. 

Sounds good. I'm tempted to walk away, and go with my next option, but something tells me she'll try to keep me hanging. 

You complain about girls playing stupid games, but then get all passive aggressive and tell your gf to date other guys just because she mentioned some male friends.   Then you talk about leaving her for some girl you've already got lined up.

Before dating someone else, I suggest you work on finding and being your best self.  

[AnonymousK]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not fair to project these problems onto your girlfriend if she has otherwise proved herself trsutworthy. You essentially called her character into question, and I am not sure you see how insulting that probably was to her. 

Your mentality is very strange here. Go with your next option? Dude, come on. Put those dukes down. 

If you can't work through your own issues without painting your girlfriend with the same brush as your exes, then no, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean she is the problem.  

You have as much a part in this mess as she does. 

I understand that. That is why I'm heavily relying on building trust, but some of her actions make me question her.

I'm used to betrayal from my parents, friends and exes which is why I've gotten used to being able to walk away from people close to me.

There's a lot of things I like about her and would like to resolve the problems, but I can't seem to get her to have the conversation. It'd hurt to walk away, but I can do it. 

[AnonymousK]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You complain about girls playing stupid games, but then get all passive aggressive and tell your gf to date other guys just because she mentioned some male friends.   Then you talk about leaving her for some girl you've already got lined up.

Before dating someone else, I suggest you work on finding and being your best self.  

I didn't tell her to. I told her if she wanted to, to let me know. That way I'd know if she really wanted to stay together, or split and save ourselves time.

What's being the best of oneself consist of? I'm happy with the rest of my life, and whatever I'm not is irrelevant to dating.

[AnonymousK]

Part of the reason I want to talk to her is to get feedback so I can be better.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

I didn't tell her to. I told her if she wanted to, to let me know. That way I'd know if she really wanted to stay together, or split and save ourselves time.

You aggressively communicated that you really don't care if she stays or goes.    If you want her to leave, this is a fine way to achieve it.

19 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

What's being the best of oneself consist of? I'm happy with the rest of my life, and whatever I'm not is irrelevant to dating.

Be the best of oneself in terms of positive communication.  With respect to your girlfriend and the sleepover,  you could have said:   "I'm really uncomfortable with you having a guy I don't know stay at your place.  Is he able to stay somewhere else?"   

Though I'm not sure what you could have said about a male friend helping her with work because your reaction was completely uncalled for.  There is nothing wrong with a networking! 

You being so reactive and confrontational is likely the reason she won't talk with you.   Honestly, if you can't learn to communicate in a positive manner, you will drive your girlfriend away from you.....if you haven't already lost her

Edited July 1 by basil67

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

Part of the reason I want to talk to her is to get feedback so I can be better.

You are currently too scary/prickly to open up to.   

When you asked her what job he was getting her, did you cop an attitude?  Or did you say "That's great.  What have you got in mind?"

Edited July 1 by basil67

[AnonymousK]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You are currently too scary/prickly to open up to.   

When you asked her what job he was getting her, did you cop an attitude?  Or did you say "That's great.  What have you got in mind?"

I didn't ask with an attitude, I just asked out of curiosity, but she never did answer. I asked something similar to "what job is that?"

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

I didn't ask with an attitude, I just asked out of curiosity, but she never did answer. I asked something similar to "what job is that?"

Was she not at a wedding when you were exchanging these messages with her? 

It stands to reason she might have been busy or otherwise enjoying the wedding and not on her phone. You say she "never" answered, so how long did you wait before coming at her with your weird assumption about wanting to see other guys? 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

I didn't ask with an attitude, I just asked out of curiosity, but she never did answer. I asked something similar to "what job is that?"

Expat just saw a nuance in your words that I missed...and I'm also interested in the answer.  Did she refuse to answer your question, or was she busy at the wedding and hadn't yet responded?  Or had she has a couple of drinks and went off topic?    And did you tell her it was great that he was helping her before you asked what the job is?

Honestly, from what you are describing with your past with people leaving you, it sounds like you've been hurt a number of times and have become so wary that you're now pushing people away before they can hurt you.   And kindly, I don't think you understand just how bad it sounds when you say "If you want to see other guys, just tell me".  Your phrasing can only be interpreted as you expressing that you don't care about what she does, and as such, it's something between a dismissal or a breakup. 

 

[MsJayne]

Were you invited to the wedding as her plus one? If you weren't then I would assume you're not important to her, but if you were and you chose to play poker instead you really have no right to get uppity because she failed to answer a question while she was in the middle of having a great time without you, and nor do you have the right to be weird about her having another wedding guest stay at her place. You made a big deal out of nothing, no wonder she cracked the darks with you. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Were you invited to the wedding as her plus one? If you weren't then I would assume you're not important to her,

Jumping in to say that times seem to have changed in many circles.  Back in the day, you and I would get a plus one and take our boyfriend.  But these days, it seems a plus one is frequently only given to established relationships of a year or more, and when the bride and groom know the partner well.   

I thought perhaps it was an American thing, but my daughter is newly engaged and this is their guest rule too    I guess if they are paying, they make the rules...

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

But these days, it seems a plus one is frequently only given to established relationships of a year or more, and when the bride and groom know the partner well.   

Yes, this becoming more and more common. OP's girlfriend might not have been allowed to bring a guest. 

[BaileyB]

She is obviously not mature enough or just not comfortable having this conversation with you if she continues to avoid it.

I find her behavior to be a little questionable, she could probably be a little more considerate and respectful to her partner. That said, her behavior is obviously triggering for you. There are better ways to communicate than asking your girlfriend if she wants to date other men - that is clearly a test and I would bristle at that for sure. That seems to be what she has done - she has withdrawn, likely reassessing the relationship and whether it’s worth the effort to have the conversation and try to right this with you. Unfortunately for you, this experience has likely reinforced your opinion that women are not to be trusted and relationships hurt. None of this bodes well for the future of this relationship… I’m sorry. 

Edited Tuesday at 12:18 PM by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, AnonymousK said:

Every girl I've ever been with seemed to be into playing some stupid bs game, which is what gives me the automatic assumption she may be doing something similar.

First of all, you can’t suspect someone of playing stupid games just because someone else played such games with you before. That’s one of the basic relationship rules: never project your past experiences onto your current partner.

Second, if you keep choosing women who play stupid games with you, you should ask yourself what compels you to do that. I’ve dated many different woman and not one of them ever player such a stupid game with me.

 

9 hours ago, AnonymousK said:

I'm tempted to walk away, and go with my next option, but something tells me she'll try to keep me hanging. 

If you want to walk away, please walk away. Your girlfriend deserves someone who won’t be tempted to leave her. And someone who doesn’t have “next options”.

[AnonymousK]

Sounds like I'm the one that's messed up according to most of you. So, shouldn't she at least tell me to eat a bullet if she's done? How am I supposed to know if I should wait for the conversation or just walk away?

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

How am I supposed to know if I should wait for the conversation or just walk away?

Is there a reason why you can’t simply say, I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who withdraws from conflict and refuses to communicate with me? 

I think you are at that point now - unless she comes to you to work it out, and then you have a decision to make about whether you chose to try and do the same.

Personally, I would chalk this up to - she was not the right person for you. The right woman will treat you with respect and consideration. If she is not doing that, she is not the right person. The other learning from this is that it’s time for you to heal the hurt from your past so that you are not so bitter and jaded that you will sabotage other relationships in the future - as you kind of did here…

Edited Tuesday at 02:41 PM by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

52 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

Sounds like I'm the one that's messed up according to most of you.

Not really, I think she could have communicated better. But there is lingering suspicion, mistrust, hints of jealousy, and anger on your side, which is never a good recipe when you’re attempting to communicate. Chances are that she is feeling too uncomfortable or maybe even scared to open up.

 

54 minutes ago, AnonymousK said:

So, shouldn't she at least tell me to eat a bullet if she's done?

Yes. So, as long as she hasn’t told you that, she isn’t done. 

Anyway, aren’t you the one who is tempted to walk away and start something with one of your “options”? You even said that she might try and make you stay. So, are you afraid that she’ll leave you or are you ready to leave her and afraid that she’ll try to make you stay? Which is it?

 

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, AnonymousK said:

...starting talking about some other guy getting her some job, but wouldn't say what it was, which I wasn't sure how to take.

I've been to plenty of functions where I've met people interested in hiring me. Yet, these being celebrations of our hosts, we'd always table the details in favor of a more appropriate time to discuss it further.

It makes no sense to jump to unflattering assumptions about such a thing, especially during a quick check-in from a chaotic atmosphere. Your insinuation was insulting, and the woman likely needs time to process how that landed with her.

You get to decide how much this woman means to you. If her avoidance flips your easily-triggered switch, then you can react to that by pulling the plug. If that buys you peace, so be it. However, if you can ride out the discomfort of ambiguity with enough patience to see where she lands, then maybe you can resolve this. But if your strategy is defense rather than an understanding of how deeply your insult cut her, then just skip that. It will compound the problem and confirm your view of the world through a lens of victimization.

The common denominator in all of the many women who have jerked you around has been you. You've demonstrated here how easily your perceptions can be skewed, so I'd consider that carefully and do some deep work on addressing that. That's not a finger-wag, it's a sincere hope that you find a way to alleviate the pressure you put on yourself to prove others unworthy.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

You get to decide how much this woman means to you. If her avoidance flips your easily-triggered switch, then you can react to that by pulling the plug. If that buys you peace, so be it. However, if you can ride out the discomfort of ambiguity with enough patience to see where she lands, then maybe you can resolve this. But if your strategy is defense rather than an understanding of how deeply your insult cut her, then just skip that. It will compound the problem and confirm your view of the world through a lens of victimization.

This is very good advice. 

I would just add, if you are not able to ride out the discomfort and uncertainty and decide to walk away - that’s ok. It’s not easy for one to humble and make themselves vulnerable - to admit that their words or have caused another pain… 

That said, to ride out the discomfort and potentially try to work through this conflict is an opportunity for growth. Very likely, your first inclination is to go on the defence - that’s what you did when you made the comment (it was an accusatory comment, but it was said as a defensive mechanism for you). We all have that nature, but maturing in relationships means that you are likely better to open yourself to try and understand her position. To have a successful relationship, one needs to do this often…

Ultimately, it’s your decision whether to stay and work this out or end the relationship. Of course, you can only do that if she commits to the same and right now, her behavior is telling you that she is not ready, not feeling safe, or not interested in doing that. Of course, if she has decided to end the relationship she should communicate that to you. But ultimately, you decide whether to stay around, whether to invest in the relationship (assuming she comes back to talk), and what is/is not acceptable behavior from your partner in a relationship.

Relationships teach us so more about ourselves than anything else. It’s about you as much, if not more, than the other person. 

Edited Tuesday at 03:24 PM by BaileyB

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, AnonymousK said:

Sounds like I'm the one that's messed up according to most of you. So, shouldn't she at least tell me to eat a bullet if she's done? How am I supposed to know if I should wait for the conversation or just walk away?

You are showing clear signs of trust issues and probably a bit of jealousy as well. Which is never an attractive quality when things are just starting out 

It's something that you need to figure out for yourself because even if you and this gal end things you will probably develop the same issues with the next gal.