Mongo68 Posted June 30 Posted June 30 Married 2nd time at 55 to a wonderful woman with 3 adult children- (I have 3 adult children as well who have all left the nest)- I am struggling a bit since my wife is very close to her 2 adult female kids (aged 23-26)- I am all good with them having a relationship- but recently her two children moved in with their grandfather (wife's father) about a mile down the road to save on rent. Almost daily (especially on weekends)- he kids will text her asking where she is and when she will be at the dads house (We have our own home as a married couple)- She then feels guilty and will either go there or invite them over- Like i said- I am not against them having a relationship - but it seems her adult children don't know the boundaries sometimes. i would get it more if they were 10 or 12 but they are in their 20's- I always feel like i am competing with them- like i said- i am not looking to take the relationship away- but i think a 25 year old asking where her newly married mom is almost daily is a little much- We have been married almost 2 years- i would think it's time for mom to start setting some boundaries- any feedback? the reason this is becoming a concern is that it's happening more often and increasing...
Sanch62 Posted June 30 Posted June 30 7 hours ago, Mongo68 said: i would think it's time for mom to start setting some boundaries What has been her response when you've raised this with her?
Author Mongo68 Posted July 1 Author Posted July 1 (edited) raised it in most sensitive way- I told her she needs to explain to her daughter that spending time with her is ok but also has a husband and a home and needs to spend time there as well- She (wife) says she feels guilty. Edited July 1 by Mongo68
SurfCity Posted July 1 Posted July 1 How long does she stay over there when she goes? What are you doing and why don't you want to go with her? What would she be doing with you at home if she wasn't at her dad's house?
ShySoul Posted July 1 Posted July 1 Is she still managing to spend time with you? When you are together, do you make the most of it and enjoy it? If so, focus more on that and less on her interactions with her family. That has to be her choice and some families prefer to spend more time together, especilly if they are so close by. She has to be the one who decides for herself how much time she will spend on each. Seeing this as a competition won't help anyone. You're all family. Maybe rather then fight it and have her choose where to spend time, go with her and make it a family activity? Plan an activity for everyone to do together. Set a specific time of the week for everyone to get together and have fun. Also plan a specific date night for just the two of you. And set some time for just them. Budget the time so that you can all be fit in and have what you want.
Sanch62 Posted July 1 Posted July 1 12 hours ago, Mongo68 said: raised it in most sensitive way- I told her she needs to explain to her daughter that spending time with her is ok but also has a husband and a home and needs to spend time there as well- She (wife) says she feels guilty. It might be helpful for wife to designate a certain day and time of each week as 'daughter time'. This will give her kids a secure anchor point, and wife can refer to it as she trains them away from imposing at inconvenient times, "Now isn't good, but I look forward to catching up on our Thursday..." This doesn't mean she can't augment with certain events or planned reasons to see more of them, but there's a security to carving out 'our time' that makes it special. When everyone knows it's always on the calendar, wife can avoid guilt and train her SELF to impose reasonable boundaries outside of that time.
Author Mongo68 Posted July 1 Author Posted July 1 no fighting- like i said no issue with them spending time- i have been asked and done that but then it gets awkward as it's more of a girls thing- so i get that- I think i get invited out of courtesy (but usually it's like- sure you can join us- but i know you have things to do)- I am more concerned that her 25 year old daughter does not respect us as a new couple as much- Almost every time we visit the house- her daughter will say- "come stay with us" hang out etc..... this is multiple times a week so that is why i am stressing balance- at some point both mother and daughter have to establish some boundaries is all- hoping that makes more sense
MsJayne Posted July 3 Posted July 3 Ugh, overly enmeshed adult children who invade your life. On 7/1/2025 at 11:24 AM, Mongo68 said: She (wife) says she feels guilty. Really? What's that garbage about? Feels guilty if she's not kissing their a**? Point out to her that one of the reasons you got married is because you wanted companionship, and also point out that just because these two people are her daughters doesn't make it any less rude that they're in your face way too often. Would she tolerate this too-frequent intrusion if they were friends instead of family? How would she like it if your kids were so demanding of your time that you left her to her own devices too often? It's rude and self-centered behaviour, call her out and put a stop to it before you end up resenting her kids to the point that it causes the end of your relationship. And don't let her make you the villain when she tells them to stop with the clingy s**t.
ShySoul Posted July 5 Posted July 5 On 7/1/2025 at 9:02 AM, Mongo68 said: I am more concerned that her 25 year old daughter does not respect us as a new couple as much- Almost every time we visit the house- her daughter will say- "come stay with us" hang out etc..... this is multiple times a week so that is why i am stressing balance- at some point both mother and daughter have to establish some boundaries is all- hoping that makes more sense I think most parents would be happy their child wants to still spend time with them. As adults most children are wanting to separate as far as possible from their parents. If they have a good relationship and want to be together, that should be celebrated. The thing about balance is that there is no set rule on what that means. Is the mother okay with this? Is it her choice on how much time she spends? She needs to decide what she wants and stick to it. It's not up to the child or you what is balanced for her. She has to be the one to figure out how she wants to divide her time. In the meantime, focus less on her relationship with her daughter, and more on making the most of the time you do have. More she comes to fully embrace and love that, less guilty she will probably feel about not being with the daughter. And setting aside a regular date night just for the two of you can be great for the relationship, even putting aside other family members.
ShyViolet Posted July 6 Posted July 6 I think you are overreacting and being kinda weird about this. There is nothing wrong with a mother being close with her 20 something daughters and talking to them every day, seeing them multiple times a week, if that's what they want to do. I don't believe your wife actually feels "guilty" being close with her own children; it sounds like you're the one creating an issue about this and that was just what she told you to try and smooth things over. Why would a woman feel "guilty" spending time with her own children as if she's doing something wrong. What exactly is the problem you have with it? Is your wife not spending much time with you? Do you not see her enough? Instead of asking her to see her daughters less, ask your wife if you can have regular date nights. Not mentioning the daughters, just setting aside time for the two of you.
basil67 Posted July 6 Posted July 6 (edited) On 7/2/2025 at 2:02 AM, Mongo68 said: I am more concerned that her 25 year old daughter does not respect us as a new couple as much- Almost every time we visit the house- her daughter will say- "come stay with us" hang out etc..... this is multiple times a week so that is why i am stressing balance- at some point both mother and daughter have to establish some boundaries is all- hoping that makes more sense This isn't about the daughters needing boundaries. Rather, it's about your wife being not able to say "sorry, I can't today, but how about (another time)". That said, your wife may actually be very happy spending that time with her daughters and doesn't want to change things. Yes, I know she said she feels guilty, but this may also be lipservice in response to you telling her how it needs to be. If this is the case, the two of you would be wise to find compromise. Edited July 6 by basil67
Sanch62 Posted July 6 Posted July 6 (edited) On 7/5/2025 at 2:36 AM, ShySoul said: And setting aside a regular date night just for the two of you can be great for the relationship, even putting aside other family members. This, plus asking wife to carve out specific visiting time each week with her daughters builds respectful boundaries around each. This doesn't imply that wife must limit time with daughters or you to strictly this schedule, but rather, it demonstrates TO the daughters that Mom cares enough to reserve specific time just for them. This can resolve some of the urgency that daughters might feel to continually 'claim' random time with their mother. It's a safety net around insecurities that might be prompting the intrusive behaviors along with wife's 'need' to cater to that. I learned this tactic from a psychologist when addressing an intrusive friend. By carving out a specific time to spend with them, you can easily defer all other expectations toward that time until they are 'trained' to relax with the knowledge that you are not abandoning them whenever their requests don't work for you. Edited July 6 by Sanch62
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