Anonymous Posted June 30 Posted June 30 I’ve talked to a good amount of friends already, but, it’s always good to get an unbiased opinion. Here’s the story, let me know what you think. I was in my first same-sex relationship, and it was her first too. We met organically and I wasn’t wanting a relationship, just friendship, but she pursued me, and we ended up dating for 6 months—4 of those in an official relationship. From the start, it was emotional and up-and-down pretty much the entire time, but there was real connection. She told me I was wonderful and she was really happy. and that she loved me—she even said this twice in the few days before the breakup. From the beginning she told me that she had severe anxiety and possibly depression, too. For the former, she was on medication. We spent last weekend together. She was affectionate, came to church with me, and we talked about holiday plans. She told her family about me, and I told mine, too. Over the last few months, we talked about marriage, a family, etc., all things that she actually brought up. This Friday, we were on a date, having fun, at Pride. While at Pride, I asked how she was feeling about us, and she suddenly said she wasn’t sure what she wanted. She said she isn’t feeling good about herself and isn’t sure if it’s her anxiety or medication, but that she feels this way a lot in relationships and she didn’t want to break up now, but didn’t know what she wanted to do and to talk. She said I was the best person she’d dated, that she’d never felt this way before, but brought up concerns about not feeling as into me at times as me into her, something that she said she liked. Then at the end, expressed hesitation about being with a woman long-term, and said she gets nervous still when I come over. I started crying (first time crying in front of her, but she’s cried in front of be before). Later that night, she left saying she couldn’t come back from this and that it wasn’t right for her and again about being with a woman long-term. The next morning I reached out to her and she said very devoid of any emotion that this isn’t right for her, I deserve the best, and her feelings were real but that they’ve changed. I asked to have a conversation for closure, but she wouldn’t grant me that. I sent her one last text for my closure, where I said all I needed, including it’s clear you’re going through much more than you want to say, I wish you well, and even maybe we can be friends one day, and she responded with you’re you’re deserving of love and lovable and I’d like that, I have no ill feelings towards you, which I didn’t love. But she didn’t dismiss that mentally she is struggling. I then told her I hope she’s able to work through things that she needs to and I’m here and that was it. A few months ago, she tried to break up with me and we talked it over and she said she was so sorry and it was her anxiety/medication. My friends have said there was nothing I could do, that she’s struggling mentally and with her comment of I don’t think I can be with a woman long-term, that that showed that she hasn’t accepted that that’s part of who she is. It’s frustrating because the last few weeks we kept making plans and talking about the future and she told me I got her places that men never could. So that’s all I have and now I am just trying to work through it.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30 Posted June 30 I'm sorry this has happened. It doesn't sound like this relationship was really ever on solid ground, given what you describe here: 4 hours ago, Anonymous said: From the start, it was emotional and up-and-down pretty much the entire time And here: 4 hours ago, Anonymous said: A few months ago, she tried to break up with me Whatever the reasons, it seems she knows she cannot offer you the relationship you would like. A relationship that is so shot-lived should not be up and down all the time, and certainly should not include 2 break-ups. This was the sign that while you may have been fond of each other, it wasn't a match. Whether that was related to her mental health or uncerainty about her sexual orientation doesn't matter much, at the end of the day. The end result is the same, in that she couldn't keep the relationship going. 4 hours ago, Anonymous said: the last few weeks we kept making plans and talking about the future This can be intoxicating, in a way. It feels good to envision these things with someone we love, but it needs to be taken much more cautiously when the relationship isn't very stable to begin with. I would say you need to be on pretty solid ground for at least a year before I'd start taking future planning seriously. I would be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. It sounds like there are a lot of emotions to unpack, and it will take a while to work them. 2
Anonymous Posted June 30 Posted June 30 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'm sorry this has happened. It doesn't sound like this relationship was really ever on solid ground, given what you describe here: And here: Whatever the reasons, it seems she knows she cannot offer you the relationship you would like. A relationship that is so shot-lived should not be up and down all the time, and certainly should not include 2 break-ups. This was the sign that while you may have been fond of each other, it wasn't a match. Whether that was related to her mental health or uncerainty about her sexual orientation doesn't matter much, at the end of the day. The end result is the same, in that she couldn't keep the relationship going. This can be intoxicating, in a way. It feels good to envision these things with someone we love, but it needs to be taken much more cautiously when the relationship isn't very stable to begin with. I would say you need to be on pretty solid ground for at least a year before I'd start taking future planning seriously. I would be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. It sounds like there are a lot of emotions to unpack, and it will take a while to work them. Thank you for your response. Interestingly it was her bringing up the future plans, especially this next weekend. It’s comforting to know it was never me, she just has things going on that she has to work through and whether she will or not, who is to say.
Sanch62 Posted June 30 Posted June 30 I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you can understand this as your ex's instability rather than as any reflection on you. The rough side to that is, even if she were to come back around on this and want to resume your relationship, accepting would position you for a perpetual eggshell walk toward the next breakup, and the next. She's right that you deserve better than a love that depends on which way the wind blows on any given day. But your grief is natural and to be expected. I hope you'll feel free to write more if it helps.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1 Posted July 1 6 hours ago, Anonymous said: Interestingly it was her bringing up the future plans, especially this next weekend. That's exactly my pont, really. We just can't take it very seriously when the relationship is not on solid ground. 6 hours ago, Anonymous said: It’s comforting to know it was never me It's hard to say if you didn't contribute in some way to this unhealthy dynamic between you two. What were all these ups and downs about?
ShySoul Posted July 1 Posted July 1 15 hours ago, Anonymous said: She said I was the best person she’d dated, that she’d never felt this way before, If you were the best person she ever dated, then this isn't about you. You couldn't have done anything differently or better. You had a good relationship and was what you each needed at the time. However, it takes two people to commit. And her mental state is not ready for that commitment. As your friends said, she hasn't fully accepted that part of her yet. She's not in a position to give you what she feels you deserve. And she was honest with you about it. She handled tings as best as she could. You seem like you did as well. I once loved someone who said I was the perfect boyfriend. She knew she could trust me with anything and had never experienced anything like what we had. She saw and appreciated that I was different then everyone else she had been with. But she still had a lot of issues to work out herself. She claimed I deserved more, but I know she was the one who wasn't ready for what we could have had. It tore me up inside. We had a rough patch. But we did come to a place of peace and wishing each other well, just as you seem to have. What I came to see is that it wasn't either of us, it was just the timing wasn't right. We were meant to be a part of each other's life for a time, just not in that forever kind of way. Likewise, neither of you are to blame. You touched each other and made each other's lives better for being a part of it, but the timing wasn't right for something long term. You've let the door stay open for the future. You never know what will happen. For now, take some time for yourself and focus on you. If there is more to the story, you will eventually reconnect and see what happens. If not, try to look at this as a fond memory, one that enriched both of your lifes, at least for a time.
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