Girlfriend finally told ex about me

[MarkV]

Hi everyone

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and our connection is amazing. We love each other dearly but the past year hasn't been plain sailing.

She broke up with her ex BF two years ago as she wasn't happy with him. He never gave her any love or effort towards her. They owned a house and dog together. We have known each in a friend capacity for nearly five years but reconnected a year and a half ago. She told me then that her and the ex still owned a house that needed to be sorted. This has always been a thorn in our relationship as i can never go to hers and she's never told him about me and her as she's wanted to keep it quite until the house sale goes through. She is due to get £100,000 from the house. His parents can be awkward as they have a bit of money in the house too and she's always told me that just wants to keep the peace. This has had an effect on me as I've always felt hidden away but I have always tried to understand her reasons why. She's always stated that when she gets he new place (completes in two weeks) that it will be so much easier for us as she won't have her ex etc hanging on her shoulders.I have had to be so patient. I was once in that situation too with my ex about 10 years ago and for some weird reason I was scared to hurt her feelings back then even though she left me and I'd moved on. Learnt valuable lessons from that.

Last week her ex found out about me and was angry at her and his sister even go involved and was giving (and still is) my GF some abuse through text saying she's being stringing her brother along for the past year etc. Even though they have been broken up for over two years now. In a way they have a right to be angry as I told my GF to be open with him from the start as everyone is entitled to be happy and move on. She said the biggest thing he's upset with is the fact that I have met their dog (who my girlfriend has 99% of the time) but that's what happens when people move on with children, pets etc.

The house stuff is still all ok which she's relieved with and I am glad it's all coming to a close. It's been tough and I have been patient as I do love the girl. I've met her family, friends etc and they are all glad that she's found someone she's happy with. She has admitted that she should have handled things differently and not tried to keep everyone happy all the time. What makes it worse is that we haven't seen each for nearly a month as she's been laid up with a bad virus and been off work etc.

I am cautious to see how this goes from here now that the house sale etc is nearly done. She's been communicating with me throughout it all but I have always felt like she's been people pleasing the whole time. She hates conflict and recently got diagnosed with ADHD as she couldn't focus on certain tasks etc. Hence why it took a while for her to get the house process moving. Overall, she is a great girl and shows me love etc. She just needs to let go of the past and look to the future without any fear etc.

Any thoughts are most welcome :)

[smackie9]

Just trust what she tells you because by the sounds of it, her ex is abusive and controlling...for a woman that is vert difficult to navigate, also when the end of the relationship is finalized, it can be a dangerous time for her. She's not worried about "hurting" his feelings, she's trying to protect herself from his wrath. She's keeping her distance from you in order to keep her ex from causing anymore trouble....the situation is almost complete, so be patient. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are in deep denial about tihs woman.

She hates conflict? If that were true, she woulnd't have kept up an active deception over the last 1.5 years with her ex. The real reason she wanted to keep you a secret wasn't to "pople-please." It was this: 

5 hours ago, MarkV said:

She is due to get £100,000 from the house.

You are so deep in this that you can't see the forest for the trees very well. What she has done here is pretty selfish and dishonest. It has hurt you in the process and you're trying very hard to justify her behaviour and choices, but she's known all along that this isn't right.

5 hours ago, MarkV said:

i can never go to hers

Have they been living together this whole time? 

 

[flitzanu]

what @ExpatInItaly said, is your "girlfriend" still living with her "ex" for the entire time you've been dating while keeping you a secret?

[MarkV]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are in deep denial about tihs woman.

She hates conflict? If that were true, she woulnd't have kept up an active deception over the last 1.5 years with her ex. The real reason she wanted to keep you a secret wasn't to "pople-please." It was this: 

You are so deep in this that you can't see the forest for the trees very well. What she has done here is pretty selfish and dishonest. It has hurt you in the process and you're trying very hard to justify her behaviour and choices, but she's known all along that this isn't right.

Have they been living together this whole time? 

 

No, he moved out as soon as they broke up. The house sale completes in two weeks 

[MarkV]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

what @ExpatInItaly said, is your "girlfriend" still living with her "ex" for the entire time you've been dating while keeping you a secret?

No, he moved out back to his parents as soon as they broke up. The sale of the house completes in two weeks. She’s always been cautious as his mum and dad have money in the house and her whole life savings went into it when she bought it. She wants it done and dusted now 

[MarkV]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Just trust what she tells you because by the sounds of it, her ex is abusive and controlling...for a woman that is vert difficult to navigate, also when the end of the relationship is finalized, it can be a dangerous time for her. She's not worried about "hurting" his feelings, she's trying to protect herself from his wrath. She's keeping her distance from you in order to keep her ex from causing anymore trouble....the situation is almost complete, so be patient. 

Thank you. I have been patient with the whole situation and I won’t lie that’s it’s been a ride. She’s always wanted an easy ride as you say. It should all complete in about two weeks..fingers crossed!!

[Sanch62]

14 hours ago, MarkV said:

... she's wanted to keep it quite until the house sale goes through. ... This has had an effect on me as I've always felt hidden away

Has she been unwilling to openly date you in pubic during this time?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, MarkV said:

She’s always been cautious as his mum and dad have money in the house and her whole life savings went into it when she bought it

Why would this matter if they knew she and their son had broken up?  DId they expect  them to just never sell the place? 

6 hours ago, MarkV said:

he moved out back to his parents as soon as they broke up.

So it makes even less sense that you were never allowed to go to her house. This guy didn't even live there anymore. 

I'm sorry OP, but I think she is still concealing a lot from you.  There is quite a bit here that isn't adding up. I hope in time you will see that. 

[ShySoul]

20 hours ago, MarkV said:

Last week her ex found out about me and was angry at her and his sister even go involved and was giving (and still is) my GF some abuse through text saying she's being stringing her brother along for the past year etc

Probably a pretty big reason why she has been so cautious. If it's been two years and he is still getting that angry and getting his sister involved, she probably doesn't feel to safe revealing all that much. Once she is able to be rid of the house and cut ties with him, she should hopefully be able to open up more to you. 

You are doing well and almost there. Focus on your relationship and the feelings that are there. Talk to her and work through whatever comes up. From the sound of it, you really care for her and you are both doing the best you can to make it work. Keep it up. Hope things get better once all the distractions clear up.

[flitzanu]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why would this matter if they knew she and their son had broken up?  DId they expect  them to just never sell the place? 

So it makes even less sense that you were never allowed to go to her house. This guy didn't even live there anymore. 

I'm sorry OP, but I think she is still concealing a lot from you.  There is quite a bit here that isn't adding up. I hope in time you will see that. 

^^ this.

something seems weird about this whole thing.

are you sure she isn't actually married and this isn't just an ex boyfriend?  i mean listen, i can understand "safety" when it comes to exes, but the story sounds like theyve been broken up and i can't imagine that they are just going to gift her 100k out of the goodness of their hearts, and suddenly if she makes the wrong move that they will no longer give this 100k from the sale.  that doesn't really make any sense.  

it would make sense if she is a co-owner of the mortgage and legally entitled to half of it.

i'd just tread cautiously, as Expat said it just seems like there's more background to this story that you aren't being told.

[ShySoul]

Mark, my best friend is a woman with people pleasing tendencies. She kept her relationship with the person she ended up marrying  a secret for a long time. She avoided telling her family until they were basically engaged. It wasn't because she was wanting to hide anything or was up to something. She just knew her mother was the type to find fault with everything and everyone and was likely to say or do something upsetting. She wanted to avoid the drama as long as possible and keep the peace. 

There could be a lot of reasons for this sitution and they could very well be innocent. It might simple be to avoid causing waves and not have to deal with any uncomfortable tension. You are the one who knows her best, so trust your judgement and the kind of person she has shown herself to be this entire time.

Hopefully you are nearing the end of this and things can begin to settle down. Wishing you well and let us know if you need anything else.

[MsJayne]

On 6/30/2025 at 6:13 PM, MarkV said:

She said the biggest thing he's upset with is the fact that I have met their dog

Is he afraid that you'll become a bigger part of the dogs life than he is? That when the dog gets married it will want you to walk it down the aisle instead of him? Honestly, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, clearly her ex is unhinged and difficult to deal with, so maybe that's why she's kept you a secret, she's just avoiding dealing with the lunacy.