ThorLyonsSalem Posted June 29 Posted June 29 I was talking with my shrink the other day about how and why it is that people are so isolated now and why we are remaining so. She said the loneliness is at an all time high, the suicide rate is at its highest. Why? People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them. Instead of living as a community or large group, we are fragmented and seem to like being fragmented. I have tried with others in the past, I have reached out to people asking if they want to get together or join groups to be part of them. All effort have been either flat out rejected or they might say "I'll let you know if and when I'm available" and they never call you. Do others experience this as well? I have just said "I am done with this" and just go off by myself to do things that make me happy. If and when I do go to events and things that can and will bring people together, I find it's pretty much the same as being alone at times.
Gebidozo Posted June 29 Posted June 29 19 minutes ago, ThorLyonsSalem said: People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them. That hasn’t been my experience at all. I’ve always been surrounded with good people who has no ulterior motives whatsoever when they befriended me. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 29 Posted June 29 5 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said: People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them. I don't know your age, but I'm sympathetic to a life stage where once-gregarious, socially invested peers tend to become singularly focused on their own career or family goals. I'd be careful about assigning a broad-brush diagnosis to the masses, not because it harms anyone else, but because it creates a straw man argument to attack with only fleeting and negligible benefits to doing so. Divergences in friendships are natural over time. Your best friend in the first grade may not have been your best friend in the sixth grade, for any number of reasons that don't equate to narcissism. As we mature, it's rare for anyone to become our 'everything' in the same way one bestie could while we were kids. We homogenized easily then, but we've since solidified into our own personalities, and these will not be everyone's cup of tea. It's rare for any two people to keep an intertwined path throughout a lifetime. Natural divergences result from each person's need to reprioritize their focus on their new private goals and circumstances. These changes credit fully grown adults with having outgrown a need for homogenization as they continually build larger networks of varied kinds and degrees of acquaintances and friends to meet expanding interests and needs. So yes, one who hasn't invested beyond current friendships can find themselves feeling left behind, even while those of us who've lived through many a generation can comfort such a person with the fact that plenty of retro friendships do tend to rekindle over time. I'm not disputing any changes in societal norms, but I am encouraging you to avoid viewing yourself as a victim of those in favor of adopting resilience and adaptation, instead. You will thank yourself when old friends cycle back to revisit. Reunions are fabulous, and so are new friends. 1
Author ThorLyonsSalem Posted June 29 Author Posted June 29 I suppose so, about being too broad. That is certainly not always the case. I think I am shocked and saddened about how few really solid people there are out in the world. But I have known that for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to rant about it. That's part of what this forum is for.
ShySoul Posted June 29 Posted June 29 Part of the problem is that is so easy now to section yourself off into little clicks and only associate with people who provide a confirmation bias to everything you say. You don't have to leave the house and can get sucked down the rabbit hole of whatever you want. So the incentive to be open and engage with others isn't there. Why take the risk of trying something new when you can do the safe and easy thing that you've always known? Yet, that isn't nearly fulfilling enough. We are also in a time where there is constant access to news and most of it seems to be bad. The neverending parade of disasters and horror storries is depressing and can make you feel hopeless. We've had to create words for this like "doom scrolling." People also feel the need to take out their hurt and frustrations on others, spreading hate and making more people feel worse. They leap to conclusions, assuming that because someone hurt them, that everyone is out to hurt people. And they have to convince others of the same. There are good people. But there seems to be plenty of people who look out for themselves. I was just bullied online by those kinds of people. It's sad and it hurts. There are people who genuinely believe the best way to love is to hate people. I feel sorry for these people. I think the problem is that the bad ones tend to be the more vocal and get the attention. It exaggerates their importance. But there are more good ones out there, a more silent majority. Focus on them. The rest don't matter. 1
Gebidozo Posted June 29 Posted June 29 3 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said: I think I am shocked and saddened about how few really solid people there are out in the world. Hmm. I’ve been actually repeatedly shocked and rejoiced about how many really solid people there are out in the world. It’s curious, though. The more I learn about history and global events and such, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally evil. But the more I get to know the actual people I meet in my life, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally good.
ShySoul Posted June 30 Posted June 30 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Hmm. I’ve been actually repeatedly shocked and rejoiced about how many really solid people there are out in the world. It’s curious, though. The more I learn about history and global events and such, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally evil. But the more I get to know the actual people I meet in my life, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally good. History is a very slow march towards progress. Things that were once considered acceptable are now considered alarming. It's one step backwards and two step forwards, requiring constant vigilance and people willing to fight for a better way. It's hard, but I try not to judge people on the worse examples. Instead, I see the swell of resistance that always seems to pop up when evil starts to rear its ugly head. "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Mahatma Gandhi
basil67 Posted June 30 Posted June 30 13 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said: Why? People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them <snip> I have tried with others in the past, I have reached out to people asking if they want to get together or join groups to be part of them. All effort have been either flat out rejected or they might say "I'll let you know if and when I'm available" and they never call you. Kindly, this is a self fulfilling prophecy. The more negative one is, the more they struggle to make connection. Negativity can drive others away I'm not judging, because this was my ex-husband's attitude to life and I picked it up, and with hindsight we would not have been good company and this is partially why we were both isolated. I ended up divorcing him and met my second husband who is super positive, and my attitude to the world changed along with it. I stopped being depressed, I got more involved, I developed friendships. The truth is that the world contains many different kinds of people, from the downright evil to those who continually do good for society, and everything in between. We can choose to see the positive or we can choose to see the negative, and that choice will impact our mental health and connection with others for ether the better or worse. Have you talked with your shrink about how to start seeing more good in the world?
ShySoul Posted July 1 Posted July 1 "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If you see people as selfish and narcissistic, it becomes easy to assume that about everyone. You look for ways to make the statement true. And because people are never perfect, everyone will mess up at some point and prove you true. Do you do any volunteer work? I've found that easiest way to see good in people and meet good people is to spend time doing good yourself. You get the sense of helping others and making the world a better place. You feel good about yourself. And you surround yourself with people who are also trying to do good. It creates a much more positive mindset and outlook.
Author ThorLyonsSalem Posted July 3 Author Posted July 3 On 7/1/2025 at 12:56 AM, ShySoul said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If you see people as selfish and narcissistic, it becomes easy to assume that about everyone. You look for ways to make the statement true. And because people are never perfect, everyone will mess up at some point and prove you true. Do you do any volunteer work? I've found that easiest way to see good in people and meet good people is to spend time doing good yourself. You get the sense of helping others and making the world a better place. You feel good about yourself. And you surround yourself with people who are also trying to do good. It creates a much more positive mindset and outlook. I do a lot of volunteer work with organizations (arts and community organizations for kids). And yes, I do meet people through them, but they are just passing acquaintances through it we do not become actual friends. But I accept this fact as well, it's just acquaintanceship and that's fine.
MsJayne Posted July 4 Posted July 4 Friendship parameters change as you age, as people get older they tend to become more attached to partners and family than they are to friends. For example, in your late teens and through to mid-twenties your friends are all-important, they're the people you confide in and they're your wing-people when you socialise. Late twenties through to early thirties tends to be when people meet a long-term partner and usually back off of frequent socialising with larger groups. If you don't meet a partner during this phase you may end up feeling left behind and not quite fitting in. It gets harder to form meaningful friendships the older you get, even if you get out and meet people doing things such as volunteering or joining social groups of like-minded people. As far as people appearing to be narcissistic, we definitely are living in the age of narcissism thanks to social media, but in fact only about 15% of a Western population can be classed as 'narcissistic', and only around 1% would qualify as it being a disordered personality. Self-absorption alone doesn't mean people are narcissistic, just means they lack interest in others and have little interest in pursuing meaningful friendships. Social isolation is increasing all the time in Western culture as the result of the breakdown of family values and the increase in multi-cultured societies where there is a vast array of differing values. And, of course, attitude can have a huge impact on how others perceive you. If you're fun to be around, don't take yourself or life too seriously, other people are more likely to feel comfortable around you and over time will start to warm to you. 1
Els Posted July 4 Posted July 4 (edited) Are your expectations unrealistic by any chance? I think there's a reasonable middle ground here. It's not realistic to expect everyone you meet to want to hang out with you regularly, as people have a finite amount of energy and time, and sometimes they just don't feel that they click with you, even if you think they do. Some friendships won't work out and that's fine On the other hand, if you have literally never had ANY close friends, then I'm sorry but you are the common denominator here. Edited July 4 by Els
Author ThorLyonsSalem Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 On 7/4/2025 at 5:52 PM, Els said: Are your expectations unrealistic by any chance? I think there's a reasonable middle ground here. It's not realistic to expect everyone you meet to want to hang out with you regularly, as people have a finite amount of energy and time, and sometimes they just don't feel that they click with you, even if you think they do. Some friendships won't work out and that's fine On the other hand, if you have literally never had ANY close friends, then I'm sorry but you are the common denominator here. At one point, yes my expectations were unrealistic. But I like to think that over the years I have matured, I have accepted certain things as true despite what I do or do not want in life as well as what others do and do not as well. And yes, it is not realistic to expect that others will or will not want to hang with me regularly. There are some people in life you are not going to get on with and they you, the two of you are just not right for each other. It does not take away from the sense of isolation / loneliness that you may feel, that is something else completely. Yes, I have had many close friends over the years. As of late, however, I am alone. But that's okay, I am happy by myself. I do things by myself, when I want to, however as long or short that I want to, and never have to share things. If anything, it's all about just being happy with me and liking myself. And that's a good thing to be able to do when others do/say terrible things because they hate themselves and want to make others suffer and feel as bad as they do.
Els Posted July 8 Posted July 8 (edited) 21 minutes ago, ThorLyonsSalem said: At one point, yes my expectations were unrealistic. But I like to think that over the years I have matured, I have accepted certain things as true despite what I do or do not want in life as well as what others do and do not as well. And yes, it is not realistic to expect that others will or will not want to hang with me regularly. There are some people in life you are not going to get on with and they you, the two of you are just not right for each other. It does not take away from the sense of isolation / loneliness that you may feel, that is something else completely. Yes, I have had many close friends over the years. As of late, however, I am alone. But that's okay, I am happy by myself. I do things by myself, when I want to, however as long or short that I want to, and never have to share things. If anything, it's all about just being happy with me and liking myself. And that's a good thing to be able to do when others do/say terrible things because they hate themselves and want to make others suffer and feel as bad as they do. Yeah, I feel you. That can happen sometimes, personally I've drifted away from the majority of the friends that I had in my childhood and 20s. Mostly because people move quite a lot in our demographic (young-ish city-dwelling professionals), and even though you try to keep in touch afterwards, the geographical distance usually wins eventually. And when you get new friends, by the time you start to get close (it takes several years IMO), one or both of you will be moving again, and thus the cycle continues. But also there were situations where people changed, or had children and prioritized them, so on and so forth. It's an unfortunate but mostly unavoidable part of life in our 30s and beyond, I think. It's definitely a good idea to be emotionally independent. I guess it doesn't affect me much because I'm naturally introverted and I'm also married, but there are times when I do mourn the loss of close friendships. Edited July 8 by Els
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