Playing kick the can

[ThorLyonsSalem]

I was talking with my shrink the other day about how and why it is that people are so isolated now and why we are remaining so.  She said the loneliness is at an all time high, the suicide rate is at its highest.  Why?  People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them.  Instead of living as a community or large group, we are fragmented and seem to like being fragmented.  I have tried with others in the past, I have reached out to people asking if they want to get together or join groups to be part of them.  All effort have been either flat out rejected or they might say "I'll let you know if and when I'm available" and they never call you.  

Do others experience this as well?  I have just said "I am done with this" and just go off by myself to do things that make me happy.  If and when I do go to events and things that can and will bring people together, I find it's pretty much the same as being alone at times. 

 

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, ThorLyonsSalem said:

People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them. 

That hasn’t been my experience at all.

I’ve always been surrounded with good people who has no ulterior motives whatsoever when they befriended me.

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said:

People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them.

I don't know your age, but I'm sympathetic to a life stage where once-gregarious, socially invested peers tend to become singularly focused on their own career or family goals.

I'd be careful about assigning a broad-brush diagnosis to the masses, not because it harms anyone else, but because it creates a straw man argument to attack with only fleeting and negligible benefits to doing so.

Divergences in friendships are natural over time. Your best friend in the first grade may not have been your best friend in the sixth grade, for any number of reasons that don't equate to narcissism. As we mature, it's rare for anyone to become our 'everything' in the same way one bestie could while we were kids. We homogenized easily then, but we've since solidified into our own personalities, and these will not be everyone's cup of tea.

It's rare for any two people to keep an intertwined path throughout a lifetime. Natural divergences result from each person's need to reprioritize their focus on their new private goals and circumstances. These changes credit fully grown adults with having outgrown a need for homogenization as they continually build larger networks of varied kinds and degrees of acquaintances and friends to meet expanding interests and needs.

So yes, one who hasn't invested beyond current friendships can find themselves feeling left behind, even while those of us who've lived through many a generation can comfort such a person with the fact that plenty of retro friendships do tend to rekindle over time.

I'm not disputing any changes in societal norms, but I am encouraging you to avoid viewing yourself as a victim of those in favor of adopting resilience and adaptation, instead. You will thank yourself when old friends cycle back to revisit. Reunions are fabulous, and so are new friends.

[ThorLyonsSalem]

I suppose so, about being too broad.  That is certainly not always the case.  I think I am shocked and saddened about how few really solid people there are out in the world.  But I have known that for a long time now.  Sometimes I just want to rant about it. That's part of what this forum is for. 

 

[ShySoul]

Part of the problem is that is so easy now to section yourself off into little clicks and only associate with people who provide a confirmation bias to everything you say. You don't have to leave the house and can get sucked down the rabbit hole of whatever you want. So the incentive to be open and engage with others isn't there. Why take the risk of trying something new when you can do the safe and easy thing that you've always known? Yet, that isn't nearly fulfilling enough.

We are also in a time where there is constant access to news and most of it seems to be bad. The neverending parade of disasters and horror storries is depressing and can make you feel hopeless. We've had to create words for this like "doom scrolling." People also feel the need to take out their hurt and frustrations on others, spreading hate and making more people feel worse. They leap to conclusions, assuming that because someone hurt them, that everyone is out to hurt people. And they have to convince others of the same.

There are good people. But there seems to be plenty of people who look out for themselves. I was just bullied online by those kinds of people. It's sad and it hurts. There are people who genuinely believe the best way to love is to hate people. I feel sorry for these people.

I think the problem is that the bad ones tend to be the more vocal and get the attention. It exaggerates their importance. But there are more good ones out there, a more silent majority. Focus on them. The rest don't matter.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said:

I think I am shocked and saddened about how few really solid people there are out in the world. 

Hmm. I’ve been actually repeatedly shocked and rejoiced about how many really solid people there are out in the world.

It’s curious, though. The more I learn about history and global events and such, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally evil. But the more I get to know the actual people I meet in my life, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally good.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Hmm. I’ve been actually repeatedly shocked and rejoiced about how many really solid people there are out in the world.

It’s curious, though. The more I learn about history and global events and such, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally evil. But the more I get to know the actual people I meet in my life, the more I’m convinced that human beings are fundamentally good.

History is a very slow march towards progress. Things that were once considered acceptable are now considered alarming. It's one step backwards and two step forwards, requiring constant vigilance and people willing to fight for a better way. It's hard, but I try not to judge people on the worse examples. Instead, I see the swell of resistance that always seems to pop up when evil starts to rear its ugly head. 

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

Mahatma Gandhi

[basil67]

13 hours ago, ThorLyonsSalem said:

Why?  People are narcissistic now (that's for sure), they are not friends with you unless there is something in it for them   <snip>    I have tried with others in the past, I have reached out to people asking if they want to get together or join groups to be part of them.  All effort have been either flat out rejected or they might say "I'll let you know if and when I'm available" and they never call you.  

Kindly, this is a self fulfilling prophecy.   The more negative one is, the more they struggle to make connection.  Negativity can drive others away

I'm not judging, because this was my ex-husband's attitude to life and I picked it up, and with hindsight we would not have been good company and this is partially why we were both isolated.   I ended up divorcing him and met my second husband who is super positive, and my attitude to the world changed along with it.   I stopped being depressed, I got more involved, I developed friendships.  

The truth is that the world contains many different kinds of people, from the downright evil to those who continually do good for society, and everything in between.  We can choose to see the positive or we can choose to see the negative, and that choice will impact our mental health and connection with others for ether the better or worse.

Have you talked with your shrink about how to start seeing more good in the world? 

[ShySoul]

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

If you see people as selfish and narcissistic, it becomes easy to assume that about everyone. You look for ways to make the statement true. And because people are never perfect, everyone will mess up at some point and prove you true.

Do you do any volunteer work? I've found that easiest way to see good in people and meet good people is to spend time doing good yourself. You get the sense of helping others and making the world a better place. You feel good about yourself. And you surround yourself with people who are also trying to do good. It creates a much more positive mindset and outlook.