knockout33 Posted June 29 Posted June 29 Hi. Hope everyone's well. I haven't been on here for a good while, been keeping busy. I do volunteer work helping the homeless, and been going to church. I wanted to come on here to inquire about this because it's what I heard on youtube and even at my Bible study. That in order to grow. People need to go through some type of pain and or challenge. But how??? I'll give some examples, ok so I was at my mom's earlier. I haven't seen her in a while. But even now, she's still making arguments with me at the age of 40. I enjoy reading, going for walks and meditation. If I were to try doing any of that when i got home after the incident with my mom, I highly doubt I'd be able to focus on what I'm doing. Simply because of what took place prior at my mom's, so if I can't focus on spiritual hobbies or a practice I might do, where does the growth come in? I get it that, one might need to indure some form of challenge to kick off the growth process. But an ongoing challenge, or ongoing pain, be it mentally or emotionally? Then how? Just asking cause I hear stuff like, you don't grow. But I can't see the process if I can"t focus on what I enjoy doing because of some pain or challenge that I might have went through prior. Here's another example. One of my neighbor's plays his TV loud. It's like right next to my door. I can't meditate or even read because of it? Again where's the growth process?
ShySoul Posted June 29 Posted June 29 8 minutes ago, knockout33 said: so if I can't focus on spiritual hobbies or a practice I might do, where does the growth come in? The growth is in our ability to process and learn from the trauma. It's not something you actively seek out or search for. It kind of just happens as we go through it. I like to just view it as life. I had to watch several people going through hardships growing up. My brother got addicted to drugs. My father was an alcoholic. My mother had been abused in a prior relationship and had emotional issues. I grew up with a sense of being alone and disconnected from the world around me. I believe my brother started going to church after being in a rehab center, but otherwise we didn't really do anything to make ourselves grow. It was more about looking within ourself and coming to terms with things that had happened and choices that were made. It was understanding ourself better and what lead to where we were. And it was making the choices ourself to do better in the future. Speaking for myself, I saw all the pain these things caused people. So I decided not to get involved in them. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs and never will. For me the growth came from telling myself that any benefit of those things isn't worth the cost. 16 minutes ago, knockout33 said: But an ongoing challenge, or ongoing pain, be it mentally or emotionally? Then how? Just asking cause I hear stuff like, you don't grow. But I can't see the process if I can"t focus on what I enjoy doing because of some pain or challenge that I might have went through prior. Here's another example. One of my neighbor's plays his TV loud. It's like right next to my door. I can't meditate or even read because of it? Again where's the growth process? The growth could be to learn patience and tolerance. Some people would get angry and curse their neighbor, yelling to turn the TV down. But that would just cause you anger and raise your blood pressure. Growth and maturity would be to let it be and find something you can concentrate on. Or if it is really bad, do talk to the neighbor and politely ask to be careful of the noise levels. I also don't think you have to go through pain to grow. I hope most people don't experience really bad pain or things happening to them. You can learn by observing or using common sense. The idea is more that when something happens, you try to reframe it to be more positive. You don't get stuck in dwelling about the bad, but can try to see the good that can come from it and learn something in the process. It's not an easy thing, but it is a helpful way to live.
Author knockout33 Posted June 29 Author Posted June 29 16 hours ago, ShySoul said: The growth is in our ability to process and learn from the trauma. It's not something you actively seek out or search for. It kind of just happens as we go through it. I like to just view it as life. I had to watch several people going through hardships growing up. My brother got addicted to drugs. My father was an alcoholic. My mother had been abused in a prior relationship and had emotional issues. I grew up with a sense of being alone and disconnected from the world around me. I believe my brother started going to church after being in a rehab center, but otherwise we didn't really do anything to make ourselves grow. It was more about looking within ourself and coming to terms with things that had happened and choices that were made. It was understanding ourself better and what lead to where we were. And it was making the choices ourself to do better in the future. Speaking for myself, I saw all the pain these things caused people. So I decided not to get involved in them. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs and never will. For me the growth came from telling myself that any benefit of those things isn't worth the cost. The growth could be to learn patience and tolerance. Some people would get angry and curse their neighbor, yelling to turn the TV down. But that would just cause you anger and raise your blood pressure. Growth and maturity would be to let it be and find something you can concentrate on. Or if it is really bad, do talk to the neighbor and politely ask to be careful of the noise levels. I also don't think you have to go through pain to grow. I hope most people don't experience really bad pain or things happening to them. You can learn by observing or using common sense. The idea is more that when something happens, you try to reframe it to be more positive. You don't get stuck in dwelling about the bad, but can try to see the good that can come from it and learn something in the process. It's not an easy thing, but it is a helpful way to live. Ok. Your relating to yourself tho. Which I understand, but I don't really see how what you said can relate to my situation, I think in my case, my mom just doesn't like me,
ShySoul Posted June 29 Posted June 29 2 hours ago, knockout33 said: Ok. Your relating to yourself tho. Which I understand, but I don't really see how what you said can relate to my situation, I think in my case, my mom just doesn't like me, What is the issue with your mom? Maybe if I knew more I could figure out where the growth could be. Without more details, I wonder your mom's personality or what she might be dealing with in her own journey of growth. Understanding why she does what she does can better help you handle it. It probably isn't anything to do with you and is more about her issues and insecurities with herself. When you see that, it can help calm you down and keep you from being to hurt or upset to be able to enjoy your own activities. My best friends mother is the same way, always picking at things she says or does. The mom has always been like that which has caused my friend years of struggles and pain. She told me that the best thing a therapist told her was that this wasn't about her, it was her mother's issues and that she would rather be my friend then her mom. Likewise, whatever your mother is dealing with or thinking, don't let it affect you. Live your own life and be you. I know it's difficult at times and it's easy to get caught up in other people's drama, especially family. But learnig to walk away and separate yourself can be a major form of growth. And it can leave you much happier.
Sanch62 Posted June 30 Posted June 30 On 6/29/2025 at 12:09 AM, knockout33 said: ...But an ongoing challenge, or ongoing pain, be it mentally or emotionally? Then how? Just asking cause I hear stuff like, you don't grow. But I can't see the process if I can"t focus on what I enjoy doing because of some pain or challenge that I might have went through prior. Here's another example. One of my neighbor's plays his TV loud. It's like right next to my door. I can't meditate or even read because of it? Again where's the growth process? I think the growth comes from learning one of two things; either how to resolve a problem or how to cope when it's beyond our control. In my case, I've communicated with my Mom that if the cost of seeing more of her is that I'll end up being criticized and feeling lousy, then my solution will be to see less of her, and she gets to decide that outcome. Our relationship is much better since then. But if I learned that there was no negotiating and no way to resolve the problem, I would need to learn how to accept seeing less of her or otherwise manage the emotional realities of dealing with an argumentative loved-one without allowing it to damage me. Maybe I would seek the help of a counselor or clergy to help me manage this. As for neighbor noises, I just wear good ear buds and either play white noise, my music or TV or books or podcasts. So maybe I've grown (or matured) from the days when I would have felt entitled to attempt to control my environment. I would have learned the hard way that attempting to do so would only harm my own stomach lining.
basil67 Posted July 1 Posted July 1 With respect to your situation with your mother, personal growth may involve accepting that it takes a day to calm down and allow yourself to process your feelings. Personal growth may involve putting some boundaries in place with her. Personal growth may involve not seeing her as often, or not going at all. Personal growth may be realising that teachings about respecting our parents aren't applicable if they don't behave in a respectful way. Personal growth with your loud neighbour may be found by going and talking about issue with him in a respectful manner. "I'm finding it difficult to concentrate because I can hear your TV. Would you be able to run it with a lower volume?" It may not work, but it's worth a shot
Recommended Posts