How to make a connection at 52

[Becky B]

Hello Anyone and Everyone, 

This is very weird to do, but I am going to try. Starting over and not sure how or what to do. Is there other people out there that have any suggestions? I want to hear from both woman and men. I have so many questions. 

 Becky

[Sanch62]

Welcome, Becky. Maybe you can ask some of your questions to help us understand what you'd like us to address?

[Becky B]

Hello, 

I'm not even sure where to start. Starting over again, had to move back home, get my daughter off to college, save to move out, feel like I waited for the right person checked the boxes to find out a lot of lies and money issues. Scared financially due the lies and betrayals, trusting people again. I don't know how to start even a friendship and put myself out there because I'm nervous of being too much.  

[ShySoul]

Hi Becky.

First, forget about the age. Everyone struggles with these feelings, at any age. It's never easy meeting new people. There is always concerns with finding the right people who get you, worries people will judge you or that you won't get along. Anyone who has been lied to and used will find it hard to fully open up and trust others again. Know you aren't alone in your feelings. 

I'm not one for "putting yourself out there." I find that the more people try to make friendships and relationships happen, the more nervous they make themselves. They build up anxiety over what to do and how things will go. That anxiety feeds on itself and makes things harder. 

Instead, don't think or worry about it. Just focus on you. Do something that you enjoy and find relaxing. Have fun with an activity that just excites you and allows you to be comfortable as the real and authentic you. Then get invovled with someting involving that. Meeting people that way gives a built in starting point for conversations. Depending on the activity, it's likely to attract people with a similar personality that you stand a better chance of meshing well with. Don't worry about making friends through it, just focus on being in the moment and having fun. Most likely your natural personality will show through and draw people to you without you really having to try. And worse case scenario, you'll just be having fun doing whatever activity you selected.

It's tough to face these kinds of fears. But you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Just do it. Do things to make yourself happy. The rest tends to take care of itself once you meet the right person or people you can connect with.

Good luck.

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, Becky B said:

...Scared financially due the lies and betrayals, trusting people again.

Understandable. It's typical for trusting people to learn about using mature discretion by getting burned. However, it's important not to swing your pendulum to the opposite extreme.

I've found it helpful to think of trust on a scale of 1 to 10. So I set my private trust meter to a neutral 5 when meeting new people. Then I observe over time and let them EARN my trust, even as I apply the same standard to myself.

I allow the behaviors of others to continually prompt me to either invest 'some' trust or withdraw it. I notice when a threshold is reached to move away from a person and view them as an occasional acquaintance rather than as a potential friend.

None of this requires drama, it's subtle. I can have less and less contact with a person but still be friendly when our paths cross. Not every person 'must' become a close friend.

This also means no outpouring of my experiences with victimization, as though this will somehow bond me closer to a person while warning them that I've been harmed before, so they can't possibly do me wrong. Bonding doesn't work that way. If someone is trust-worthy, they might be sympathetic but overwhelmed by my lack of discretion, which seems to imply that they 'owe' me close friend status. If someone is not trustworthy, they may view my indiscreet oversharing as an indicator of their next good 'mark'.

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I don't know how to start even a friendship and put myself out there because I'm nervous of being too much.  

Being 'too much' can mean that you're seeking a therapeutic outlet rather than equality in a friendship. Friends are formed, eventually, over time spent with acquaintances, and good acquaintances respect the limits of others.

If you feel that you have 'too much' emotional overload to bring to others, consider contacting your local hospital's human or social services department to seek a referral to a counselor, therapist, social worker, clergy, talk group or any other resources to help you manage the emotional aspects of your transitions at this time.

This doesn't mean you need to be in perfect emotional shape to meet people in your community. It just means that you're providing yourself a healthy emotional outlet that allows you to pursue social interactions with healthier expectations.

Explore interests that inspire you regardless of whether you meet friends. This positions you to enjoy the company of strangers lightly, and as these form into acquaintances over time, you will have gently cultivated their potential toward possible friendship rather than approaching them with 'too much'.

Write more if it helps, and again, welcome.

Edited June 29 by Sanch62