My(20M) Gf(19F) wants me to come with her to her ex’s house for thanksgiving and I don’t know how to feel about it

[zentorno131]

Long story short, my girlfriend’s ex was brought into her family when she was 15 and he was 17 through marriage (his father and her aunt married), and shortly after they began dating for around a 5 month relationship. He is her aunts stepson. She now is inviting me to go to thanksgiving with her at her their home. I don’t want to be in her ex boyfriends presence and frankly it makes me uncomfortable that she has to as well.

How do I go about telling her I’m wildly uncomfortable with this and don’t want to go? We’ve been dating for a little over 5 months so I haven’t had to deal with this part of her life yet until it just came up now.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, zentorno131 said:

How do I go about telling her I’m wildly uncomfortable with this and don’t want to go?

You tell her, “I’m wildly uncomfortable with this and don’t want to go”.

Her relationships with her family, friends, exes, and other people in her life are her own business and have nothing to do with you. If you don’t want to see any of them for any reason, just say so.

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Her relationships with her family, friends, exes, and other people in her life are her own business and have nothing to do with you. If you don’t want to see any of them for any reason, just say so.

I agree with this, yet, here we are in June, and you have plenty of time before Thanksgiving to reconsider whether this must become a big deal for you.

I can only speak from the experience of being your GF's age while navigating the new semblance of a large blended family. Over the years, our initial impressions of one another have settled into an acceptance that benefits the greater good. We all get along, we don't have drama, and whenever any of us have opted to bring a new person into the fold, everyone has regarded that person with respect duly paid to that relationship.

If you want to opt out, then opt out, but understand that this may raise more attention and focus on your absence than you might wish and later need to overcome.

It's one thing for GF to have said that this step-relative abused or mistreated her in some way, rather than having merely explored a relatively short attempt at dating, only to conclude that they were not a good match.

You get to decide whether the realities of GF's family life must become a problem for you. I'd consider carefully whether you wish to create an issue which you, yourself, will be solely responsible for managing. Nobody else can do anything about it.

It's your call.

Edited yesterday at 02:28 AM by Sanch62

[Gaeta]

I say it's time to experience adulthood.  Every body has to deal with an ex at some point.  If you always avoid her family gatherings because of him then you will come across as immature.  They briefly dated *4 years ago*! When she was a teen girl! Why does it even use space in your head.

Edited 18 hours ago by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

Ok, if this ex was not part of the family I would say - just tell her that you are wildly uncomfortable with this and don’t go…

But - he is a part of her family. If you are going to date this woman, as crazy as the situation is, you will need to accept the fact that you will see this man at family gatherings. You can’t expect her to avoid family gatherings because she once dated this guy for a few months as a teenager and that makes you uncomfortable. If you can’t deal with this, I think you need to breakup. 

Edited 18 hours ago by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

This person is part of her family and it sounds like she will always see him from time to time.  If you have such a strong reaction to this, how can you continue to have a long term relationship with her?  If you end up being with her for years, are you always going to refuse to go to her family gatherings?  How would that work?  If you are this uncomfortable with this situation, maybe she isn't the person for you.

[basil67]

You can refuse to go.   But do you think you can get away with avoiding family gatherings for the duration of the relationship?

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You can refuse to go.   But do you think you can get away with avoiding family gatherings for the duration of the relationship?

This is exactly the thing. Either this woman is worth dealing with your discomfort, or not. If not, then you'll present to her family as territorial and egotistical.

Consider your capacity to deal with a loved one's reality. If you can't pull that off, exit early.

[Gebidozo]

35 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

If not, then you'll present to her family as territorial and egotistical.

If the OP tries to prevent his girlfriend from attending those gatherings, then sure, he’d be just that. But if, for any reason whatsoever, he doesn’t want to attend those meetings himself, why does he have to? The girlfriend can just spend the holidays with her family, without involving the OP.

Edited 5 hours ago by Gebidozo

[Sanch62]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If the OP tries to prevent his girlfriend from attending those gatherings, then sure, he’d be just that. But if, for any reason whatsoever, he doesn’t want to attend those meetings himself, why does he have to? The girlfriend can just spend the holidays with her family, without involving the OP.

Of course, that's the perfect answer if GF's family doesn't have her best interests at heart and would never observe the absence of this new BF and voice opinions to that effect.

OP gets to roll those dice, or he can step up to meet the people involved in his potential future with her.

These are the realities, and if GF isn't worth exploring them, then I agree, that's one of OP's valid choices of outcome.

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If the OP tries to prevent his girlfriend from attending those gatherings, then sure, he’d be just that. But if, for any reason whatsoever, he doesn’t want to attend those meetings himself, why does he have to? The girlfriend can just spend the holidays with her family, without involving the OP.

And if she doesn't want to do that, she can just end the relationship

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

But if, for any reason whatsoever, he doesn’t want to attend those meetings himself, why does he have to? The girlfriend can just spend the holidays with her family, without involving the OP.

That's absolutely fine, for now.  But if this relationship has long-term potential, how could he refuse to meet her family in the future, if they become a serious long term couple?  That would be just weird and problematic.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

That's absolutely fine, for now.  But if this relationship has long-term potential, how could he refuse to meet her family in the future, if they become a serious long term couple?  That would be just weird and problematic.  

Totally. If they were to marry or have children - not attending family gatherings for either of them is not a long term solution. He needs to find a way to make peace with her past or let this go…